by KD Bryan
Rob heard Jillian moan quietly beside him, and he tightened his hold once again. Every bit of new information was more formidable than the last, and Rob looked at the doctor.
“Bone marrow biopsy?”
Dr. Alston’s gaze never wavered as she answered quietly, “Yes, in order to rule out any metastasis, or spreading, to the bones. Dr. Nixon will explain things in more detail at the time, but I wanted to mention it so Jillian would be familiar with the term and procedure.”
Leaning forward, Dr. Alston studied the pale, trembling young woman in front of her. Jillian Barnes had been a patient of hers for several years, and this news had been upsetting for her as well. However, the doctor knew it was her responsibility to deliver the facts, regardless of how painful they were.
“Jillian, I want you to know how incredibly sorry I am about this situation. This wasn’t the outcome I was hoping for, however, my instincts were leaning in this direction after your initial visit. Jillian, you need to go to this visit with Dr. Nixon with an open mind, and know that great strides have been made in these treatments through the years. This is not an automatic fatal diagnosis…although it will be a long and sometimes painful fight,” said Dr. Alston, her words now more encouraging than clinical.
Rising from her desk chair, Dr. Alston looked at Rob saying, “I’m going to give you two some privacy while I go speak with my nurse about getting the tests ordered. Just come out when you’re ready.”
Dr. Alston rounded the corner of her desk and placed a comforting hand on Jillian’s shoulder before exiting the room. The ensuing silence after the door closed behind her was heavy with a mixture of disbelief as well as fear. Rob sat numbly still holding Jillian at his side until he heard a low keening noise before she burst into tears. Wrenching sobs shook her body, and Rob quickly slid from his own chair down into a crouched position in front of her.
“Jillian, baby, please…” Panic seized him as Rob realized he didn’t know what to do…or say… to someone in this much pain.
Brushing at his own tears, Rob slipped one arm beneath Jillian’s knees and the other around her shoulders and rose from his position on the floor with Jillian cradled in his arms. He settled them both into the seat she’d just occupied and began rocking her gently while whispering random words of comfort into her hair. Jillian continued to cry as she clung to Rob tightly, and he knew that he’d never felt so incredibly helpless in his life. Suddenly, the stark realization hit that quite possibly there’d be many more days ahead when he’d feel the same, and the thought almost paralyzed him with fear.
Rob took a deep breath trying to gain some control over his own emotions before attempting to help Jillian. He realized she’d finally stopped crying, and now there was just an occasional sniff coming from her. Rob gently tipped her face up to his and the fear and pain etched across her beautiful features were almost his undoing. Eyes red and swollen from her storm of weeping, the pleading look Jillian gave him made Rob’s gut clench.
“Jillian, honey, can you stand on your own? I want to get you home, okay?” asked Rob gently.
Dazed and numb, Jillian barely nodded as Rob pressed a kiss to her forehead before rising from the chair. He carefully placed Jillian on her feet, but held on until he was sure she was steady enough to stand on her own. With her hand clasped tightly in his, Rob led her to the door and out into the hallway where he glanced around looking for the doctor. He finally spotted Dr. Alston and her office nurse conferring quietly, and Rob headed in their direction with Jillian in tow.
Dr. Alston glanced up, and a pang of regret shifted through her as she took in the two stricken people walking toward her. She hated situations like this one because unfortunately she also understood the significance of Jillian’s diagnosis all too well. Dr. Alston hadn’t misled her patient when she’d said NHL wasn’t necessarily a losing diagnosis any longer, but the doctor knew this beautiful young woman was in for the fight of her life, too. Chemotherapy, radiation therapy, medication…the list was long, and she knew the struggle would be real.
Rob somehow managed to listen to Dr. Alston explain about Jillian’s oncology appointment, as well as the additional tests she’d ordered through the buzzing in his head. It felt like he was on autopilot, and Rob noticed his own hand trembling as he accepted the small white card the nurse handed him. Shoving it into his pants pocket, Rob dully thanked the two women and turned to put his arm around Jillian’s waist as they made to leave. She was still pale and basically unresponsive, and Rob was beginning to worry about her emotional state at the moment. Should he call his sister? His mother? No, he’d get Jillian home and then decide what to do.
Raking his free hand through his hair, Rob blinked against the moisture in his eyes as they stood waiting for the elevator. Jillian now had her head resting against his shoulder, and Rob absently dropped a kiss on her hair as they stepped onto the waiting car. The ride down was filled with an eerie silence, and somewhere in his jumbled thoughts Rob knew that he needed to get them home as quickly as possible. Jillian was holding on by a thread, and he had no idea when it was going to snap. Rob knew she’d probably exhausted herself earlier with her bout of crying in Dr. Alston’s office, but now she was totally withdrawn and showing no emotion. How much could one person take mentally and emotionally before they simply caved under the suffocating weight? He wasn’t sure, and Rob knew he definitely didn’t want to find out here in the parking lot of the hospital.
The drive home was made in silence, and Rob finally just settled for holding Jillian’s cold hand in his as he maneuvered the car across the city. He’d tried asking Jillian several times if she was okay, but her only response was a slight nod so he finally gave up. Squeezing her fingers with his own, Rob fought the overwhelming urge to break down himself as the doctor’s words came back to haunt him. Cancer…Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…oncologist…scans…bone marrow biopsy…
It was simply too much to comprehend, and Rob finally gave up trying. Right now his main focus was to get Jillian home and then decide his next move. It was inevitable that he’d have to contact his family, and Carli in particular. Rob grimaced at the thought of what this was going to do to her…hearing the news that her best friend in the world…someone she’d been with since they were children…was now about to face a battle of epic proportion. A fight to literally save her life…and no one could do this for Jillian.
Realistically, Rob knew that his whole family would be there with them every step of the way, but unfortunately there was no one who could take away the pain of what Jillian was about to go through. The thought had Rob brushing at his own eyes as tears clouded his vision while he drove them home to face an uncertain future.
Maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises.
Maybe it’s about collecting the scars to prove
we showed up for it.
-Anonymous
Chapter Eleven
One week… one week defined by so many things…yet nothing came close to describing the myriad of emotions the human body was capable of feeling. Or not feeling…whichever worked at the moment was the one Jillian chose to go with. Cancer…she had cancer. And not a type the doctors could assure her with any real certainty that she was going to beat…that she would come out on the other side of this celebrating life again without any worries.
Jillian rolled over in bed and grimaced as the morning light shone brightly through the open drapes of the bedroom. Our room. Rob had referred to it that way more than once these past few days, and Jillian had eventually found herself thinking of it that way too. She was here…and Rob refused to even discuss that she be anywhere else. At one point when she’d actually felt like talking, Jillian had made the mistake of mentioning that she could move into her mother’s house to make things easier for Rob and work. The usually laid back and easy going Rob Santos had exploded into the closest thing to a rage that Jillian had ever witnessed in him.
She knew they were both functioning on raw emotion, and seeing him so distraug
ht had been her undoing. Crying helplessly, Jillian had crossed the kitchen again a few seconds later to push her way into his arms. They’d stood there clutching one another for endless minutes until Rob had finally pulled back and tipped her face up to his. Dropping a kiss onto her mouth, he’d first apologized and then told her in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t going anywhere.
Sighing into the quiet of the room, Jillian recalled how he’d then cradled her face with his hands and kissed her again…a kiss that had taken on a desperate life of its own, and fueling the desire and need they had for one another. Rob had led her to the bedroom where he’d silently undressed her before stripping out of his own clothes and letting them fall to the floor. They’d crawled into bed and then lost themselves in one another as only they could do.
In every touch, every kiss, and murmured word against her skin…Jillian had felt his urgent need for her as he entered her and she met him thrust for thrust. Their bodies straining together, they’d simply shut everything else out…the pain and fear…the uncertainty and sadness…everything but their driving need to erase it all for just a short time and find solace in one another. Afterwards, Rob had pulled her across his chest and they lay quietly as he ran his fingers through her hair. The soothing motion reminded her of so many times when he’d done the same thing, and Jillian refused to think about the coming days when he’d no longer have that luxury.
Their night had ended with Rob dropping a gentle kiss on her head as he said, “Baby, I want you here…with me. I need to know you’re okay, and I’ll be with you every step of the way. Just please…no more talk about you going anywhere, okay? I can’t deal with that…I just can’t.”
Pulling the sheet up further, Jillian knew there was nowhere else she wanted to be anyway. But in the long run, how fair was it to Rob? How fair was it to ask him to sit by and watch her deteriorate in front of him…to stand by helplessly while she grew sicker as she fought for her life? Undoubtedly she knew he’d do anything within his power to help her…and take care of her, but what about his life? Could she really ask him to put everything on hold while she fought this battle…a battle that she had no guarantee of winning?
Exhausted with her own thoughts, Jillian finally pulled herself from the bed and headed in to shower. Another full day awaited her in the form of scans and x-rays after her consultation with Dr. North yesterday. Rob and Carli had both accompanied her to the appointment, and Jillian could still feel the bone crushing grip as her best friend had held her hand through it all. The two women had already experienced their moment of complete fallout the day after Jillian had received the news, and as she stepped under the warm spray she knew it was a day she’d never forget.
She’d basically pleaded with Rob to not call anyone after they’d arrived home from Dr. Alston’s office that day. It was against his better judgement, but he’d finally given in and agreed to wait until morning. They’d spent the evening together alone alternating between bouts of her crying and Rob consoling her until she’d fallen into an exhausted sleep. The next morning Rob had called his sister while she’d sat in the living room staring at nothing.
Less than an hour later, Carli had arrived followed by Ric and Sylvia. Jillian had fallen into her best friend’s arms as they both cried together, and Sylvia stood patting and rubbing both of their backs. When they’d finally pulled it together, Rob had then quietly explained what’d transpired the previous afternoon. Of course Carli had asked a million questions, but Sylvia had jumped in to try and provide a voice of reason. Ric had sat in his usual quiet manner taking everything in, but Jillian had felt his concern in the hug he’d given her, as well as the kiss he’d pressed to her forehead.
Rob made his way into the bathroom after hearing the shower running, and glanced toward the now steam clouded glass door. Jillian was rinsing her hair, and Rob took an unguarded moment to study the beautifully naked woman standing there. She’d lost weight this past week despite his abuela’s best efforts to feed them, but Jillian simply had no appetite and Rob wasn’t in the frame of mind to push her over anything right now. The past few days had been a virtual rollercoaster of emotions, and they were both mentally as well as physically exhausted. Too little sleep, along with the ever present sense of fear and dread had left Rob and Jillian both feeling like they were merely existing.
Today marked day two of what was sure to become their routine…one appointment followed by another…the unknown still looming and threatening to suffocate them at every turn. An MRI was on the agenda today, followed by a PET scan tomorrow. Rob had been a little surprised at first by Jillian’s new oncologist’s need to power forward with things. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved they were tackling this head on, or apprehensive about the haste in which Dr. North was moving. He understood perfectly how crucial it was to get a jumpstart so to speak in Jillian’s treatment, but things were moving at warp speed leaving Rob with the feeling that they were barely hanging on.
Jillian was already scheduled to have another procedure on Monday, and Rob still needed to clear his schedule at work to be there. Dr. North had referred her back to the surgeon who was now going to place a port in her chest, and just the thought made Rob shudder. So many things were being hurled at her from every direction…things she didn’t fully understand, and Rob could see her struggling more each day trying to maintain some control. Her world was spinning out of control at the moment, and he felt helpless to do anything about it. They were basically at the mercy of the doctors at this point, and only the calm guidance of his own mom was getting them through.
Sylvia had stepped up and appointed herself Jillian’s own personal “patient advocate”, and Rob had never loved his mom more. She’d taken over the tedious task of explaining every procedure, test, and scan to Jillian in detail to help lessen her feelings of anxiety. In moments of clarity, Jillian seemed to hang on Sylvia’s every word, but other times she seemed like a mere shell of her former self. It was during those moments when Rob stepped up and listened for the both of them while his mom explained everything that was happening, as well as what to expect in the near future.
Words like chemotherapy, nausea medication, hair loss…those were unfortunately crystal clear in meaning. On the flip side, terms such as ‘diffuse large B-cell lymphoma’ required a little more explanation in order to wrap their heads around it. Sylvia had also patiently explained that the doctor would most likely discuss the treatment regimen at Jillian’s next visit, and after reviewing the scans. So much depended on what the scans showed, and Rob knew his mom was anxious for the results as well. One day at a time…Rob kept repeating the words over and over in his head in an attempt to maintain some balance so he could help Jillian.
Rob was pulled from his thoughts as Jillian opened the shower door and stepped out reaching for a towel as she did. Wrapping the plush material around her body, she looked at Rob and knew his thoughts had been somewhere dark again. At odd moments she’d notice the forlorn expression on his face, or the pained look that was usually accompanied by a frown. Jillian hated that her illness was causing him so much stress, but really it was out of her control. Everything was out of her control, and the realization had her stomach rolling in protest.
“Jillian, babe, what’s the matter?” asked Rob worriedly. He’d noticed the grimace that crossed her features, as well as the hand she now had pressed against her midsection.
Brushing off his concerns, Jillian attempted a smile and shook her head. “It’s nothing…just a slight stomachache…nerves…” her voice trailed off as she noted the skeptical look on Rob’s face.
Rob walked the short distance to where Jillian now stood toweling her hair dry, and reached out to stroke his hand down her arm. He knew what she was doing…and he already recognized the signs when she was trying to smooth things over to spare him from the truth.
“Jillian, don’t lie to me, please. It’s not helping anything, and how can I help if you try and shut me out?” asked Rob quietly.
The
last thing he wanted was to upset her, but Rob was determined to keep the lines of communication open between them. It was the only hope they had of surviving this thing emotionally as well as mentally, and Rob refused to let Jillian retreat inside herself while shutting everyone else out in the process.
Sighing quietly, Jillian reached for her comb and began working through the long strands. It was easier to avoid Rob’s steady gaze if she was busy with something else, but he was like a dog with a bone leaving her no choice but to answer.
“Rob, I wasn’t lying…I’m nervous about the scans today…you know that,” said Jillian.
“And…what else? I saw the look on your face, babe. The look that was about far more than just simply nerves. Am I right?” Rob persisted.
Dropping the comb onto the vanity, Jillian turned to look at Rob saying, “Hold me?”
Without hesitation, Rob opened his arms saying, “Always. You don’t ever have to ask, you know that.”
Jillian felt his chin resting against her wet hair, and she blinked against the sting of tears. He was so good to her…never wavering…always there to hold her up when he knew she was unable to manage it on her own. She owed him the truth…
“Rob, I’m so worried about what this is doing to you. The toll it’s taking on you…your work…you’re not sleeping well…all of it,” explained Jillian softly.
Dropping a kiss to her hair, Rob lifted Jillian’s face to his with a finger under her chin. The thoughtful look on his face touched something inside of her…and Jillian realized in that moment just how much she loved him. He was the only man who’d ever meant anything to her, and their shared history spoke for itself regarding their inability to ever really let go of one another.
“Jilli, don’t do this, please. I can’t stand the thought of you worrying about me…for any reason, sweetheart. We’re both on overload, and rightfully so,” said Rob, his tone clearly conveying how serious he was.
