Forbidden or For Bedding?

by Julia James

  ‘Comment?’ His expression froze.

  Alexa’s sense of awkwardness increased. ‘I’m afraid I can’t resume your commission…’ she began, then trailed off, not actually wanting to put it into words. Just because I’ve slept with you…

  He seemed to appreciate her unspoken point. Or at any rate ignore it. He gave a frown, as though something was not understood on her part. ‘N’importe pas. The matter of the portrait, cherie, we can discuss later. However, the matter of moment now is that for some reason I have yet to comprehend you seem to think we “shan’t be seeing each other again.”’ He echoed the intonation of her earlier words. ‘Dis moi,’ he said, and his intonation changed again suddenly, as did the expression in his eyes, which all at once seemed to make Alexa’s breathing stop. ‘Did you find last night not to your liking?’

  His voice—and his eyes—told her he knew the question was as impossible to answer in the negative as if he had asked whether a rare vintage champagne might not be to her liking. Alexa made herself breathe.

  ‘That isn’t really the point,’ she began, then stopped. She seemed to be beginning a lot of sentences and then stopping, not knowing how to proceed.

  But her hesitation did not trouble Guy de Rochemont. He had resumed buttoning his shirt, and Alexa found her eyes going to the strong column of his throat, the lean twist of his wrists. Found her pulse somehow more noticeable. She really had to go—she really did. But Guy de Rochemont was saying something that brought her up short. ‘Bon. Then we are agreed. Last night was exceptional, and we shall arrange matters accordingly. As I said, I am désolé that I am required to be on a pernicious flight to a tedious destination within the hour, but I shall return at the earliest moment—tonight, I hope. If not, then tomorrow at the latest. If you phone the London office my PA will give you my contact details for your convenience.’

  He moved on to do up his cuffs, with swift, assured movements, then took out a tie and proceeded to knot it, continuing to talk to her as he did so. ‘I shall endeavour to keep you apprised of my movements, but I must ask you to understand—as I am sure you do will—that I have commitments it is impossible for me to ignore, however much I may wish to do so. Accordingly, it is inevitable that there will be times—hélas—when I cannot honour my undertakings to you. I must therefore request your forbearance.’

  He continued without a beat as he lifted his suit jacket from its padded hanger and shrugged himself into it, with an ease of movement she was burningly familiar with from all his sittings for her in her studio. ‘Nevertheless, I trust we shall be able to spend sufficient time together, and that your work will permit you the flexibility required to ensure that. Have no anxieties for the moment. All can be arranged. For now, however…’ He finished his knot, crossed to the bedside to retrieve the slim gold watch, wrapping it around his wrist as casually as if it had not been an item of masterly workmanship, with a price tag of several tens of thousands of pounds. ‘I must fly to Geneva, and that is that. Already le temps presse, so I must ask your indulgence of my unseemly haste.’

  He crossed towards her, buttoning his jacket as he did so, and Alexa found her hand being taken.

  ‘Don’t look so bemused, ma belle.’ There was amusement in his voice, and a timbre that yet again seemed to make her breath catch. ‘Tout sera bien. Tu vas voire.’

  He dropped the swiftest, most fleeting kiss on her mouth. As he started to move away, letting go of her hand to head for the door of the suite, she blurted out, her incomprehension evident in her voice, ‘I don’t understand!’

  He paused by the door, in the act of opening it, and glanced back at her. Amusement was still in his eyes. That and something more—something that suddenly made Alexa’s legs unable to support her.

  ‘But it is very simple, ma belle—now we are lovers, non?’

  And with that he was gone.

  Behind him, staring blindly at the closed door, Alexa felt her mind go completely blank.

  CHAPTER TWO

  HER mind stayed blank all the way back to her apartment in the taxi she had climbed into at the hotel. She had walked with head held rigid across the marbled foyer, convinced that every eye in the hotel must be on her, seeing what she had done—for why else would a woman be leaving a hotel in the morning, still wearing the dress of the night before? She was sure, too, that the taxi driver had glanced knowingly at her in his mirror, and for that reason she’d stared blankly out of the window, before handing him a ten-pound note for her fare and walking into her apartment block as quickly as she could. She half ran up the stairs before any other occupant could spot her and jump to exactly the same conclusion. She had never done anything like this before—never!

  ‘Well, of course you haven’t!’ she admonished herself as she gained the sanctuary of her bedroom and started to rid herself of the betraying dress. ‘You’ve never been seduced by the likes of Guy de Rochemont before!’

  But I have now…and I will remember it all my life.

  Out of nowhere, she felt weak. She sank down on the bed, the reality of what had happened hitting her. Emotion came from all over—some that sense of wondrous bemusement, the almost physical memory of the hours entwined with him, and some sheer amazement about what had happened.

  Playing over and over in her mind were the words he had left her with…

  ‘Now we are lovers, non?’

  Her expression changed. Confusion and incomprehension were in her eyes. What did he mean? What could he mean?

  She found out within the hour. She had scarcely finished showering and changing her out-of-place evening gown for sensible daywear before her entryphone sounded. Heading downstairs to the entrance lobby, she discovered a delivery of flowers so huge that she could hardly carry them up to her flat. Inside, she fumbled for the note.

  ‘À bientôt.’

  It was all it said. All it needed to say. The phone call that came from Guy de Rochemont’s PA five minutes later said the rest. The woman’s dismissive style had not changed, but this time, instead of informing Alexa as she usually did that Mr de Rochemont either would or would not attend the next scheduled sitting, Alexa was given a mobile phone number ‘as Mr de Rochemont instructed’. She was to use it instead of the London number, but only in reply to a call from its owner, and on no account must the number be made available to any other individual.

  The woman finished with an admonitory flourish.

  ‘Please ensure you do not call me, Ms Harcourt, in relation to Mr de Rochemont’s itinerary. It will not be in my power to give you any information Mr de Rochemont has not instructed me to forward to you. Such information will be disclosed to you only on an “as necessary” basis, as Mr de Rochemont instructs.’

  After the call, which Alexa had heard out in a silence that was partly due to her continuing inability to believe what she was hearing and partly because she had long since decided to ignore the woman’s pointedly unpleasant manner, Alexa resumed her task of distributing the flowers into a variety of containers—for she possessed no single vase that was capable of holding the vast bouquet.

  The scent of the flowers seemed overpowering. But her mind seemed strangely blank—as if too much had happened, too fast, and she could make no sense of it at all.

  I don’t know what to do, she thought. I don’t know what to do.

  Then don’t do anything.

  The words formed in her mind and brought a kind of relief. After all, nothing was required of her for the moment other than to place the vases around the flat. Then, knowing she was in no state of mind to go to her studio—where, anyway, no current commission awaited her other than Guy de Rochemont’s, which, whatever the extraordinarily unbelievable events of the night before, she had resigned—she settled down at the desk in her living room and worked her way through a considerable amount of domestic paperwork, from utility bills to ongoing business expenses.

  Then she vacuumed the flat, cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry and finally, after a light lunch, set off to th
e shops, having first despatched by courier the dress and accessories from last evening, with a note apologising because they had not been first cleaned, to Rochemont-Lorenz.

  Her fridge restocked, she decided it would be a good opportunity to go to the gym, and spent several hours there. The exercise helped occupy her mind. Stop it falling back into vivid memory or that sense of blank incomprehension that seemed to be paralysing her brain. Back home again, she stayed in all evening, reading or watching back-to-back documentaries on television, before retiring to bed.

  As she slipped between cool sheets she had a sudden searing memory of the previous night. For a moment she froze as heat flushed through her body. Then, with a decisive flick of the duvet, she reached for a book on early Italian art—her current bedtime reading. Pictures of martyred medieval saints would be an effective antidote to that betraying sensual flush—and to thoughts about the man who had caused it.

  But about Guy de Rochemont she still didn’t know what to do.

  I don’t understand…was her last conscious thought as sleep took her.

  It was also her first conscious thought four days later, after days spent resuming her life as much as she was able, given her state of mental bemusement. She had come to the conclusion that the complete lack of any further communication by anyone remotely to do with Guy de Rochemont, let alone himself, could betoken only one thing: his parting words to her, the vast bouquet he had sent and the call from his PA with his private phone number, had not in fact meant anything. It was all beyond her comprehension, and continued to be so right up to the moment when, one Sunday, as she was passing a leisurely morning, the entryphone sounded.

  It was Guy de Rochemont.

  Numbly, she let him in. Numbly, she opened her front door to him. Numbly, she heard her own voice on her lips—‘I don’t understand…’

  He glanced down at her, wry amusement in his beautiful green long-lashed eyes that made her breath slow and her pulse instantly quicken. ‘I told you, ma si belle Alexa, it is very simple. As simple…’ he lowered his mouth to hers and took her into his arms ‘…as this.’

  And so, over the next weeks, and then months, it seemed to be.

  Without any conscious decision on her part, Alexa simply accepted the situation. Slowly, the sense of bemusement that it was happening at all seeped away, and having Guy de Rochemont in her life became just—well, her life. She did not look for words to describe it, she didn’t want to—she didn’t want to think about it either. It was simpler that way.

  Simpler to accept this inexplicable affair. Simpler not to question him, or herself, or wonder why it was happening. For reasons known only to himself Guy de Rochemont wanted this. Why, she could not fathom. Carla Crespi seemed to be no longer on his radar. Alexa knew this from seeing a photo in a celebrity magazine of the sultry Italian star hooked onto the arm of a paunchy middle-aged man—a film director, according to the caption, which described him as Carla’s fiancé. Had she defected? Had Guy tired of the actress? Alexa did not know. Did not want to ask.

  Asking Guy about his life was something she refrained from doing. Again, why she was not entirely sure. One element, she knew, was because his existence away from her seemed so completely different from her life that she preferred not to think about it. Another reason was because she knew, with finely honed instinct, that Guy did not want to talk about his life.

  Sometimes it overlapped into their time together, with a phone call to his mobile which he would take, talking in one of several European languages, and sometimes in English too. She caught snatches of conversation, but always busied herself, even if it were only to pick up a book or a newspaper while he was occupied.

  Sometimes the tone of his voice, whatever language he was speaking, sounded impatient and irritated, his manner abrupt and peremptory. Then, phone call terminated, so too would be that attitude, and he was his usual self with Alexa again—relaxed and attentive, and, in bed, passionate and demonstrative.

  Yet there was a reserve about him that she recognised—recognised because it resonated with her own innate reserve. A reserve that made her glad, too, that Guy showed no inclination to socialise with her, take her out and about. She was relieved, appreciative of his discretion—she had no wish to be seen as Guy de Rochemont’s latest paramour, with curious, speculative eyes upon her, and besides, her time with him was too thinly spaced for her to want to spend it anywhere but in his private, exclusive company—wherever that was. Sometimes it was in her apartment, or he’d whisk her to where he was, where his punishing timetable permitted him her company. For time with Guy was precious—and scarce.

  And it would not last for ever.

  Could not.

  The knowledge sent chill fingers creeping over her, and with it another sort of knowledge that seeped into her like icy drops.

  How it had happened, she did not know. Why it had happened, she could not tell. That it had happened at all filled her with a terrible sense of both inevitable heartache and yet present rapture too.

  For somewhere along the way—unintended, unimagined—she had done what she had never dreamt she would do. She had fallen in love with Guy de Rochemont.

  Doomed, hopeless love. For there could be no future with him, no ending other than the one she knew must come—one day the affair that had started so inexplicably would end, and Guy de Rochemont would no longer be part of her life. He would tire of her, move on, and she would be left behind.

  Left behind loving him. Helplessly loving him. Hopelessly loving him.

  The knowledge dismayed her—but it did not lessen by one fraction of a fragment the power of the truth about what she felt for Guy. A truth that she knew, with every instinct in her body, she must mask from him, and even, as best she could, from herself. That mask was all the protection she would have—a mask of cool composure that had once been the reality of her emotion but was now no more than a frail, flimsy disguise.

  She needed it right up to the final moment when, out of the blue, the blow that she had known must fall one day fell.

  Guy was leaving her. Ending their affair.

  It was over.

  CHAPTER THREE

  SHE could not go on cleaning the bathroom for ever. After some indefinite time she made herself stop. Made herself go into the kitchen and put on the kettle. Carefully not looking at the breakfast table. Not thinking about what had happened that morning. Not thinking at all.

  Just feeling.

  An ocean of emotion possessed her.

  After a while—a few minutes, an hour? She didn’t know, couldn’t tell and didn’t care—she started to make herself think. Started to try and seize the torn and tattered rags of her mind and sew them back together again—at least enough to make words come, make words take shape in her head. She had to force herself to say them, if only to herself.

  You knew this day would come. You knew it. You knew it had to come—could only come. You understood nothing of why he started this affair with you—what made you his choice. He, who had all the world to choose from. You understood nothing of that. Nothing of why he kept the affair going. The reasons must have been there, but they were inexplicable to you. You always knew that he would at some point, a point of his own choosing, decide to terminate the affair. End it. Finish it.

  You knew it would happen.

  And now it has.

  You have done all that you could do, all that it was essential for you to do. You accepted its ending with dignity, with composure, with your mask intact. So that never could he possibly know the truth—the truth that he can have no interest in. Because why should he? Whatever he was to me, he was not a man it was…sensible…to fall in love with.

  No… The word tolled in her brain. It had not been sensible to fall in love with Guy de Rochemont.

  It had been folly of the worst sort. A folly she now had to pay the price for. And she would pay that price.

  She had accepted his severing of whatever it was that had been between them with composure an
d dignity. That was essential. Quite essential. She stood stock still in the kitchen, instilling into herself just how essential it was.

  The phone started ringing.

  For a moment she could only stare at it. A name, unspoken, was vivid in her head. Then, knowing that it was not Guy—for why should he phone now that he had ended the affair as abruptly as he had started it?—she jerked her hand to pick it up.

  ‘Alexa! I’ve just found something out that I must warn you about! You’ve got to listen to me on this!’

  Imogen’s voice sounded agitated. For a moment Alexa could not face taking the call. But she knew she would not be able to avoid Imogen.

  ‘What is it?’ she answered. Her voice was as composed as Imogen’s was not.

  ‘I don’t want to tell you this—I really, really don’t! But I can’t not—it’s about Guy.’

  Of course it was about Guy. How could it not be?

  It was so ironic, Alexa thought dispassionately. From being someone who couldn’t have waxed any more lyrical about the attractions of Guy de Rochemont, lavish in her appreciation of all his masculine allure, Imogen had become the very opposite.

  When she had first discovered the fact that Alexa had succumbed to him, Imogen’s initial disbelief had been overwhelmed by a vicarious but wholehearted gratification. ‘Oh-my-God! Are you serious? You and Guy de Rochemont! Oh, that is just brilliant! Wow! It’s amazing! Awesome! Totally brilliant!’ Imogen had enveloped her in a bear hug. ‘Oh, you are just so, so lucky! You jammy, jammy thing!’

  But her views had changed completely as she came to know the circumstances of their affair.

  ‘It’s like he’s hiding you!’ she’d accused. ‘Never being seen out with you!’

  Alexa had been unperturbed by her friend’s hostility. ‘The last thing I want is anyone staring at us,’ she’d said. ‘Besides, we don’t get much time together—why waste it going out? I’d rather be with him alone while I can.’ She’d looked straight at her friend. ‘Immie, this isn’t going to last. I know that. I’d be a fool not to. But while it does—’