by Ivy Smoak
Devotion
The Hunted Series Book 4
By Ivy Smoak
Copyright 2016 Ivy Smoak
All Rights Reserved
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CONTENTS
Title
PART 1
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
PART 2
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
PART 3
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
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ARC Team
Also by Ivy Smoak
Copyright
PART 1
Chapter 1
Friday
It almost felt like I was dreaming as I walked out into the pouring rain. Steam rising off the hot pavement gave Main Street an eerie look. Everything looked dull and lifeless. Or maybe it was just me. Without James, I felt dull and lifeless. I willingly lost myself in him. And what was left of me now? An empty shell? I wiped under my eyes. I wasn't sure if it was rain or tears on my cheeks.
This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. I ran my thumb across the spot where my engagement ring once sat. How is this happening? I tried to feel the rain on my shoulders. I tried to focus on anything but the ache in my chest. This definitely wasn't a dream. If anything, my reality was a nightmare.
I knew better than to put my self-worth into someone else's hands. Hadn't I learned anything from my relationship with Austin? I was so naive back then. I stopped outside the restaurant of our last date. That awful double date that Melissa had forced me to go on. It was the same night that James and I had shared our first kiss. I had called James, wanting to tempt him, knowing he'd come to make sure I was okay. He was trying to stay away from me, but I wouldn't let him. I wasn't just naive, I was immature and awful. He could still be here teaching if not for me. He could be happy.
Maybe James was right when he called me greedy. I wasn't in the sense of financial gain. I didn't care about his money. But I was greedy when it came to him. I liked monopolizing his time. I liked when his eyes were on me and me alone. Maybe he had me pegged exactly right. I was greedy. Had that bothered him? Me wanting him and needing him? I thought we were happy. But maybe I had been suffocating him the whole time.
I looked down the street at the coffee shop. I thought seeing it would be comforting, but it had the opposite effect. It made me think of how our whole relationship had started on lies. Lies about my age and lies about his past. He didn't trust me then, and he didn't trust me now. His words cut through my thoughts like a knife. You're not my problem anymore. That's what I was, a problem. Something to take care of. An annoyance.
His words made it seem like he put up with me for the benefit of getting my body in return. To do whatever he wanted with. That's all it ever had been. There was no other reason why he pursued in me in school. I wasn't a good speaker. He couldn't have been attracted to me because of what I said in class. So was that it? Just physical attraction? I touched the center of my chest. It was more than that to me. How could I have been so blind? I pressed harder on the center of my chest. There was an ache there that didn't seem to want to fade.
I sat down on the curb outside of the restaurant. There was a huge puddle, but it didn't matter, I was already soaked. This really was just like that night we had shared our first kiss. I was depressed and it was pouring. But there was one main difference. That night, James was there when I needed him. Why wasn't he here now? I still needed him.
Stop torturing yourself. I pulled out my phone. There were still no calls or texts from him. He wanted me to leave. He told me he never wanted to see me again. But all I wanted to do was run back to him. I wanted to stay and fight for him. I couldn't go back to New York if he didn't want to be with me, though. I couldn't bear to run into him if he was going to look at me with hate instead of love. So why did I come here? To walk around feeling his presence? His ghosts were everywhere. Being here was like torturing myself. I knew the answer, and it was a pathetic one. Because I knew my life was nothing without him. I needed something to hold onto. A little piece of him. This was the best I could do.
This time I knew that I was wiping away tears. I thought I had grown. I thought the two of us had grown together. But I was so wrong. I was still naive. I was still pathetic. I was still immature. I so badly tried to act like I had my shit together. I wanted James to take me seriously. But the truth was, he never had. He never cared enough to. He never really saw me. I was an object. And now he had cast me aside. It felt like the past few years had meant nothing to him and everything to me.
Fuck this. I searched my phone for flights that were leaving soon. I didn't have my passport. And I barely had any money. I couldn't afford to blow it all on a flight. But I needed to get out of here. I needed to leave before I lost myself to grief. I was stronger than this. Wandering around chasing memories wasn't going to help me. And the only person that could help me was myself.
I clicked on the cheapest flight that was leaving this afternoon. A one way ticket to Chicago cost $103. I didn't know a thing about Chicago and I didn't know anyone who lived there. It made me think about our decision to leave Newark. Would things have been different if we had moved to a place that we were both unfamiliar with? Away from Isabella and Rachel and every toxic thing in the city? I thought agreeing to go New York would make him happy.
I looked down the street at the coffee shop. There was no choice here. If I stayed, I'd drown. I clicked on the flight and pulled my debit card out of my purse. Before I could change my mind, I typed in all the necessary info and purchased the ticket. I had a couple thousand dollars in my account. That was enough. I had a good GPA from a great school. My stomach twisted in knots. Possible employers would ask why I transferred schools. They'd ask why I didn't finish my internship at Hunter Tech. I didn't have a single letter of recommendation.
I abruptly stood up. I'd figure it out. Despite what James had said, I was a competent adult. I took a deep breath. In my heart I knew I had grown. I had come a long way since I used to live here. Just because I had thought what I wanted was James, it didn't mean my life was over. I'd find new goals and new dreams in Chicago.
James had been my other half. He was gone, but that didn't mean I was half a person. I was more than that relationship. Before I could stop myself, I clicked on his name in my phone. I waited for the voicemail to click on. Hearing his voice brought tears to my eyes. Stop it.
"Hi, James, it's me." I tried to say it sternly, but my voice cracked, giving me away. I took a deep breath. I can do this. "I just wanted to let you know that I gave Ian my keys and credit card. And I'm out of New York, like you wanted. Could you maybe mail some of my things to my parents' house? I'll have them send them to me when I settle down.
" What things were even mine, really? I bit my lip. Nothing. My clothes, my computer, my phone, he had bought all of it. "Actually, never mind. You can just donate all that stuff or whatever you want to do. I don't want it. And you can cancel my cell phone too. I'll have that figured out before you get your next bill, I promise." Why was I promising him things when all his promises meant nothing? I thought about my wedding dress hanging in my closet. His closet. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I wished I had called the apartment line. Then maybe he'd hear me and pick up. Instead, he'd probably delete this message before he even listened to it. So it didn't even matter what I said. I wrapped my free arm tightly around myself to help make the feeling of loneliness fade. It didn't work. "You promised you wouldn't push me away again, James. You promised."
I moved the phone away from my mouth as I tried to hold back a sob. I quickly ended the call and sunk back down onto the ground. I wanted to scream and throw my phone. Instead I put my face in my hands and started to cry uncontrollably. I wasn't sure how long I sat there crying. My phone buzzing finally made me lift my head.
My heart let me hope for one second that it was James. I quickly grabbed my phone. Please be James. Tyler's name flashed across my screen. Of course it was Tyler. He'd want to know if I needed help decorating for the rehearsal dinner. Or writing my vows. Or something else sweet because that's the kind of guy he was. I laughed. It sounded strange in my throat. No, he wasn't calling to be sweet. He probably wanted to know why he suddenly had 20 million dollars in his bank account. No one else I knew had reached out to me because no one else knew what had happened. My parents were sitting in some hotel in New York, still thinking I was getting married tomorrow. I wanted to ignore Tyler's call. I wanted to be alone to wallow. But I owed him an explanation.
I slid my finger across the screen. "Hey, Tyler."
"Hey, Penny."
The awkward silence made my chest hurt even more. He knew. God, he knows. I pulled my knees to my chest.
Tyler cleared his throat. "I think we need to talk. Can you come over?"
"I'm not in New York."
"Where are you?"
"Sitting in the rain on Main Street."
"Main Street? Are you in Newark?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, well first of all, get out of the rain, weirdo."
I laughed. This time it didn't sound as strange. "I like the rain." It reminds me of him.
"You don't want to be sick for your wedding."
I closed my eyes. It was so obvious that Tyler knew. Why was he torturing me like this? "I'm not getting married." My words were greeted by silence. I stood up and stepped under the overhang of the roof to block some of the rain. I didn't care about being sick, but if my phone broke I'd be even worse off. I wiped off some of the rain and put it back to my ear. "Tyler, are you still there?"
"I need to see you."
"I'm not going to be here by the time you get here."
"Penny, please."
"I already booked a flight. "
"Where?"
"Chicago. Could you maybe not tell anyone? I just...I need to do this on my own."
"You don't need to do it on your own. Let me come with you."
"What?"
"I want to come with you. I fucking hate New York."
"You don't hate New York. You love it there. You have an amazing job and a great apartment. Melissa just moved in. You're happy."
"Happy?" He sighed. "Penny, I don't want to be here if you're not here with me."
"Tyler, stop."
"You know how I feel about you, you know that I'd..."
"You're dating my best friend!"
"I love you, Penny. I've never stopped loving you."
"What are you talking about? That's all in the past. We're friends. We've been friends for years."
"Because you put me there. I still want you. And James is a fucking asshole for hurting you. I don't want to be having this conversation on the phone. Please, let me meet you in Chicago. We need to talk about this in person. Please, Penny."
I sighed and leaned against the brick wall. No wonder James had jumped to the conclusion that he had. He knew. How did I not know? I thought Tyler and I were good. I thought we were on the same page. "Okay. Yeah, we need to talk about this."
"Yeah? What airport are you flying into? I'll book the flight right now."
"Just come here."
"You'll wait for me?" His words made the ache in my chest even worse. He had been waiting for me this whole time.
"I'll get a later flight."
"Get out of the rain, but don't leave Newark. I'll be there by...9 o'clock, okay?"
"Okay."
"See you soon, Penny." The line went dead.
I stuffed my phone back into my purse and walked back into the rain. I just wanted to be alone.
Chapter 2
Friday
It was weird being back here. I looked down at the worn steps of Tyler's frat house. It was also hard to think about how different my life would be if I had never slept with my professor. Maybe I'd be with Tyler. Maybe I'd be happy. But I couldn't go back in time. I couldn't change what had happened, and honestly, I wouldn't want to. I meant nothing to James, but he meant something to me. Hell, he meant everything to me. I had a sickening feeling that the past few years would be the best years of my life. Anything going forward would be tainted by that. It wasn't all a lie to me, it was real. I loved him. And this hurt so much because I still loved him.
I looked down at the text I had gotten from Rob an hour ago. "You forgot your ring."
I had written back telling him to give it back to James. It wasn't really mine. If I kept it, it would just remind me of everything I had lost. I didn't need that reminder. My solitude would be reminder enough. The ache in my chest would be reminder enough. Falling asleep and waking up alone...it was all enough.
I stared at the text from Rob that I hadn't responded to yet. "Don't leave like this. It'll kill him. You know it'll kill him. I'm begging you, Penny. Please come back. I'll drive you back home. You two will work it out, I know you will. He needs you."
There wasn't anything to say back. Rob was wrong. This was James' decision. I was just doing what he wanted. If James reached out to me, I'd talk to him. But that wasn't the case. I hadn't heard from him since he kicked me out. He was done with me and there wasn't anything I could do about it. James would be fine. His friends and family would support him. He had a strong foundation. He was going to be okay. James had never really needed me. I was the one that needed him.
The word "home" made me feel even worse. My parents' house was no longer my home. Newark was no longer my home. And now New York was no longer my home. Home to me was wherever James was. It had been ever since we met. Now I had nowhere to go. I had to start over. Sure, I could go to my parents' house and find the key under the potted plant and let myself in. I could wallow away in my childhood bedroom, remembering. But I refused to hurt my parents. I refused to hurt my friends, what I had left of them. And I refused to just give up on life just because one person told me I was worthless. I wasn't worthless. I just lost myself. Which meant I could find myself again.
I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. The problem was that I didn't want to find myself. Not without him. I wanted to believe in what we had, even if it was all a charade to him. Because it wasn't to me. It was real. All of it. I grabbed my purse, pulled out the notebook that I had been carrying around for weeks, and stared at the vows I had been working on. The words blurred in front of me as I started to cry harder. I didn't ever want to forget him. I wanted to remember every little thing. The way my skin tingled when he brushed his fingertips against me. The way I immediately smiled when his eyes met mine across a room. If I could somehow put those feelings into words, maybe I'd have something to hold on to. Something that would make it feel like I wasn't drowning.
I shoved the notebook back into my purse. I couldn't capture him on paper. I couldn't verbalize the way he made me fee
l. I put my hand on the center of my chest. No one had ever told me that when your heart breaks it actually hurts. It felt like my chest was caving in. I took a deep, shaky breath.
"God, Penny, I'm so sorry."
I looked up at Tyler rushing toward me. My eyes immediately landed on the bruise along the left side of his jawbone. The scruff on his chin didn't hide it nearly as well as he probably hoped. I quickly wiped away the rest of my tears. "What the hell happened to your face?"
"It's nothing." He immediately put his arms around me. "Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not okay. Let me see your face."
But he kept his arms wrapped firmly around me. He ran his hand up and down my back. "I'm fine. God, you're soaked. Let me..."
"You're not fine." I pushed on the middle of his chest until he let me back up a fraction of an inch. He didn't need to say anything. I knew. It was written all over his face. I lightly touched the side of his jaw with my fingertips. "James did that, didn't he?"
"There may have been an altercation late last night."
I closed my eyes. "Tyler, I'm so, so sorry." Mason was with James. Apparently none of his friends were good at keeping him out of trouble. It also meant Ian had probably driven him there when I specifically told him not to take James anywhere. But Ian didn't have to listen to me. I was never his boss.
"There's nothing to apologize about." Tyler put his hand on the back of my head and pressed my face to his chest.
There was something so comforting about being in Tyler's arms. Despite his move to New York and all his success, he still smelled the same. Like freshly cut grass and mint. I wasn't even sure how that was possible. There was barely any grass in New York and he wasn't a landscaper. I wrapped my arms around his back. It was selfish, but I needed this right now. I needed my friend. I could tell Tyler wanted to talk, but I wrapped my arms tighter around him. I just needed a few more seconds.
Tyler kissed the top of my head and ran his fingers through my hair. "It's going to be okay, Penny."
No. It's not. I shook my head against his chest and let my arms drop from his back.
