by Ivy Smoak
He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back so he could look at my face. There was so much hope in his blue eyes. And it killed me.
"How much do you know about what happened?" I asked.
"Everything I need to know."
"Which is?"
"That you and James broke up. And that he thinks I convinced you to run away with me." He searched my face.
So Rob really hadn't talked to James. Neither had his parents. He didn't know. Or maybe he didn't believe them either.
"So now I'm here to actually convince you to run away with me." He lightly touched the bottom of my chin so that I'd look into his eyes.
A part of me wanted to say yes. I wanted to feel the comfort of his arms around me. And see that smile that always made me smile too. The only problem was that I didn't love Tyler. It wouldn't be fair to him or...fuck, Melissa.
"I'm still in love with him," I said.
Tyler shook his head. "You broke up. You left him and New York. You're standing in the rain crying because of him. And I'm here for you. We can go wherever you want. We can start a new life together."
"I'm still in love with him," I said again, a little quieter.
He let go of my shoulders. "Okay, but that feeling will fade. You have to move forward."
I shook my head.
"What, so you're going to go through your whole life missing him?"
"What else am I supposed to do, Tyler? He was it for me. There is nothing after him. I was ready to give my whole life to him. That feeling doesn't just disappear after a fight."
"Be with me. I'm right here. I've always been here for you. I'd never do anything to hurt you. Let me fill that void."
"I can't."
"Why? I know you love me. We're great together. I know you felt it back in school. I know you can feel it again."
"I could never hurt Melissa like that."
"We already broke up."
"What?"
"I broke up with her before I came here."
"Why did you do that? You only just started dating." God, she's going to hate me.
"I thought you were getting married. I was at peace with that. Or in denial or something. These past few years haven't been a lie, I was your friend. I enjoyed being your friend." He scratched the back of his neck with his hand. "But when I found out you two broke up, all I wanted to do was see you. I think I had buried my feelings. I don't know. But I just knew I needed to see you. I never stopped loving you, Penny. And I'll never stop loving you."
I shook my head back and forth.
"I didn't want this to happen. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. I thought that James was that for you, so I just accepted where I was. But when I found out it was over...it feels like my second chance. Our second chance."
"I'm sorry. But it's like you just said. Except, I never stopped loving him. And I'll never stop loving him."
"I can wait. I'm used to waiting. I'll wait my whole life for you, Penny. Don't you see that?" He put his hand on the side of my face.
"Tyler, I don't want you to wait."
"Don't say that. I know you need time to heal from this. I'll wait until you're ready."
"I'll never be ready."
He shook his head. "I love you. Tell me to stay. Choose me. Penny, please give us a chance. I need you. Meet me halfway here."
"You don't need me. You need some sweet girl who will put you first. Who thinks the sun rises and sets with you. You deserve that. I can't give you that."
"I'll take whatever you can give me."
"All I can offer you is friendship. Honestly, Tyler, you're my best friend. You've always been there for me..."
"I can't be your friend anymore." He let his hand fall from my cheek. "I thought I could be. But now? No. I need more than that. I can't live my whole life in denial."
"I'm sorry."
He shoved his hands into his pockets. "So...Chicago?"
I nodded. "My new flight leaves tonight. I think maybe I need to do a little soul searching."
"And you know for sure that what you're looking for isn't me?" He gave me a sheepish smile that ripped my heart in half. "How are you so sure?"
I pressed my lips together. There was something else that I hadn't told him. But I didn't want to. It wasn't fair. It was just in my head.
"Tell me."
I shook my head.
He grabbed my hand. "Tell me. If it's something I can fix..."
"No." I swallowed hard. "Seeing you reminds me that it's my fault that James broke up with me. Because I insisted on being your friend. I made this happen."
"It hurts you to see me?"
I closed my eyes and nodded.
He dropped my hand. "I'd do anything for you. You know that right?"
I wiped away the tears that had started to fall down my cheeks again.
"Penny, look at me."
I slowly opened my eyes. The hurt on his face was palpable.
"Everything in my gut is telling me to stay and fight for you. But if you want me to leave, I'll leave. Is that what you want?"
"I'm sorry."
His Adam's apple rose and fell. "I can't be your friend anymore."
"I know."
He nodded his head. "I guess this is goodbye then?"
"Where are you going to go?" I thought about his apartment in New York. Melissa was probably waiting there, seething. Hating both of us.
"I think maybe I need a fresh start too," he said. "Somewhere...sunnier."
I nodded. "I hope you find what you're looking for."
"I already found what I was looking for," Tyler said with sigh. "Now...now I'm running away because it hurts too fucking much."
"Tyler..."
"Go back to New York, Penny. Don't spend your whole life missing him. It's exhausting to deny yourself what you want, to spend your whole life dreaming about what you're missing."
The fact that he was talking about me made my chest hurt even more.
"I really hope that you two work it out," he said.
"Thanks, Tyler." I took a step toward him to hug him goodbye, but he immediately took a step back.
"Bye, Penny." He turned around and walked away from me. I watched him climb back into his car. I lifted my hand to wave goodbye, but he didn't look back as he pulled away from the curb and out of my life.
Chapter 3
Friday
My Uber was going to arrive any minute to take me to the airport. The car was going to come to the coffee shop. Up until this point I had avoided it. I had walked all around campus, remembering, savoring the happy and sad memories, the joy and the pain. I was filled up with fleeting images of James. It was time to go. I couldn't stay here living like this.
It felt like déjà vu walking toward the coffee shop. I had walked this path so many times. Good and bad memories flooded back to me in a rush. I wanted to focus on the good, but my mind wouldn't let me. It was like I was transported back in time to when James had broken up with me back at school. Only this was worse. He didn't need time now. What he did need was someone that wasn't me. Someone better.
I was numb before, walking through the rain and mist, but now the ache in my chest was all I could feel. I wanted to think about meeting him for the first time. I stopped outside the coffee shop. It was open now and locals were inside, enjoying their Friday mornings. But all I could see was James bursting through the door on that day that changed my life. His hands had steadied me. He had always grounded me. He was always there to catch me when it felt like I was falling. I was falling now. Where was he?
I closed my eyes and I pictured the rose petals on the floor. I could imagine the candles on the tables perfectly. I could see James down on one knee. His words were all around me. Promises of a future. Confessions of his feelings. He talked about how hard he had fallen for me. Had he lied? I turned around and looked out at the falling rain. I didn't feel defeated anymore. I was angry. How could he throw away what we had? How could he do this to me? I had given him everyth
ing I could. I had given him every single piece of me.
I pulled my phone out of my purse. He said he didn't want to see me, but I'd make him hear my voice. Didn't we owe it to ourselves to talk this out? I dialed the number for our apartment. His apartment. This time, he'd listen to me. I'd make him listen to me. After several rings, the voicemail came on. It was a cheery message with both of us talking. It ended with me saying, "and the future Mrs. Hunter." Stupid, naive, pathetic girl. The voicemail beeped, signaling that it was time to leave a message.
"Answer the phone, James. Talk to me! Don't cut me out like I meant nothing. Please!" My voice cracked. "James, please. You're supposed to believe me. You're supposed to trust me! Answer the fucking phone! Listen to what I have to say. Stop pretending like I mean nothing to you. Stop pushing me away! Pick up!" I was choking on my words. "Damn it, James, pick up the phone. Please."
"He's not here, Penny."
My heart starting beating fast. I hadn't realized that someone had answered the phone. "Mason? Is that you?"
"Hey." He sounded pissed. "You can stop yelling now."
"Put him on, Mason. Please, I have to talk to him."
"No, I mean, he's seriously not here. I'd force him to talk to you if he was."
"Where is he?"
"I don't know. I woke up this morning and he was gone."
Shit. "Have you looked for him?"
"What the fuck do you think I've been doing?" He sounded on edge.
"I'm sorry, I..."
"You shouldn't have walked out on him, Penny. He's a fucking mess because of you. Why would you leave him like that?"
"I didn't leave him. He kicked me out."
Mason sighed. "God, where the hell did he go? Where would he have gone?"
"I don't know." I looked behind me at the coffee shop. "Maybe somewhere that we used to go together? Maybe the Tavern on the Green? Or our old apartment? He didn't sell it yet. He could have gone there." But those were all suggestions if he was missing me. I wasn't sure if that was the case. The thought was chilling. I wrapped my free arm around myself.
"I already looked in both those places. Think, Penny."
My heart sunk. Then he definitely wasn't going somewhere to think about me. "Have you tried to call Isabella?" It pained me to say the words, but it was a possibility. A terrible, awful possibility.
"He wouldn't go there."
"How do you know?"
"Because he loves you."
"I'd try Isabella," I said. I thought back to our fight here on campus. He had broken up with me and he ran right back to her. It was always her. It had never been me. He had loved her and he had lied to me about it. Maybe he still did love her.
"Can you just come help me look?" Mason asked.
"I have a flight to catch."
"Where the hell are you going? Aren't you going to try to fix this? I spent all night trying to defend you, and now you're fucking leaving? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Mason, I..."
"He's missing, Penny. I woke up at 6 a.m. and he was gone. He's not answering my calls. I can't find him anywhere. Something's wrong. I don't know what else to do here. Don't you care at all?"
"Of course I care."
"Then what the hell are you waiting for? Get your ass back here and help me find him, he needs you."
I swallowed hard. "He doesn't need me, Mason. He needs you, his friends, his family. Not me. He made that pretty clear last night. You weren't there. You didn't hear what he said. He never needed me. He just needed to realize what he already had. You and Matt, Rob and Jen, his parents if he'd give them another chance. He doesn't even love himself, I don't know why I ever thought he was capable of loving me." My Uber car pulled up in front of me.
"Just because someone doesn't think they're capable of love, it doesn't mean they haven't loved. He's just...broken."
"And I can't fix him."
"That's bullshit and you know it."
"I have to go."
"Penny, don't give up on him. And what about me? And Bee? Rob and Jen and Matt? Do we mean nothing to you either? You said we were your family. You don't just walk out on family."
That's not fair. "When you find him, tell him I'll always love him. And that I'm sorry...about everything."
"Penny, don't..."
I hung up the phone. I had lost James. I had lost my new family. Tyler was gone. Melissa would probably never speak to me again. I had no one. Didn't Mason see that? Didn't he realize how much it killed me to walk away? But that's what James wanted. He asked me to leave. He never wanted to see me again. I had to go. I had to disappear. I grabbed the door handle and climbed into the car.
"Where are you heading?" the driver asked.
Despite what Mason thought, I did care. That's why I was leaving. I looked down at the phone in my hand. What if James was hurt, though? What if something really was wrong? Mason sounded concerned. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him because of me. Because of what I had done.
I thought about what Tyler had said about going through your whole life wanting someone. Why was I running away? That wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to fight for James. He didn't know why I had done what I had. He didn't understand that I was trying to protect him. He didn't understand that I did it out of love. And he was hurting. He was missing. This was my fault. I needed to fix it. I needed to make him understand. I needed to find him before it was too late.
Fuck. "I'm sorry," I said to the driver. "Just charge me whatever it would have cost."
"That's not how it works..."
But I was already climbing out of the car. I needed to talk to Rob. He'd know what to do. He'd know where to find James. He'd help me. He had to help me. I slammed the car door and turned back toward Rob's apartment.
And I ran straight into someone. No, not someone. All I could smell was him. All I could feel was his grip on my arms. James. It didn't feel real. I didn't want to look up and realize it was just a memory. I'd always be haunted by him. I'd never stop wanting him.
"You came here too." His voice was gruff, like he hadn't used it since he had woken up. Or maybe he had never slept. But it was definitely him. He had come back to me. He had been drawn to the coffee shop just like I had.
I looked up at his face. He was as soaked as me. Droplets of water clung to the scruff on his face. His eyes were red and there were dark circles underneath. But even when he looked a mess, he was still the most handsome man I had ever seen.
"James, I thought something had happened to you." I put my hands on both sides of his face. "Thank God you're okay."
He wiped his thumb under my eye, where I wasn't even aware a tear had fallen. "Why did you come here?"
I had the vague sense that maybe he had been walking around remembering too. Like he thought this was some kind of dream or nightmare too. "Where else would I have gone, James?"
"I thought you'd be with Tyler." The pain on his face made me want to cry. But before I had a chance to say anything, he said, "Penny, I don't care why you did it. I just need to know if you want me instead of him. I need to know that you'll always choose me. Please choose me. Please tell me I'm not too late."
He really didn't know the truth. No one had told him. But he was still here. He still wanted me despite what he thought had happened, and that meant everything. "I'll always choose you."
His lips crashed against mine before I even knew what was happening. Part of me wanted to push him off and slap him. He had hurt me too. He hadn't apologized to me. His hand moved to my hair and he gripped it hard. But I wanted this too. The kiss was salty, and I wasn't sure if it was from my tears or his. I had never meant to hurt him. His fingers slipped underneath the back of my wet tank top. No, this isn't right. He needed to know what had really happened. He had diminished our relationship to nothing. He had hurt me. We needed to talk about everything. I turned my head away from him and tried to catch my breath.
His fingers intertwined in my hair again and he pressed his f
orehead against mine. "I thought I'd never see you again. I thought I lost you. I thought..." his throat made a desperate gasp, holding back a sob that made me start to cry again.
I closed my eyes. "Then why did you push me away? Why didn't you believe me?"
"Because a part of me has always thought that you'd be better off with Tyler. That he can make you happier than I ever could. I feel like I've always just been standing in your way, holding you back from what you deserve." His forehead was still pressed against mine. Droplets of water were falling down my face, a mixture of tears and rain.
"I love you and only you."
He didn't say anything. And I knew it was because he didn't believe me. He thought I didn't love him. He thought I didn't care. He thought I stole money from him so that I could run away with another man.
"James, I've only ever loved you. I only ever will love you."
He lifted his head away from mine. "But maybe you're too young to realize what you really want."
I was trying to stay calm for his sake. I was sad and upset, but I was also angry. I was angry at him for telling me to leave. I was angry at him for not listening to me, for not trusting me. I pulled back and pushed his hands off me. "Don't throw my age in my face. Why do you always do that? Yes, I'm younger than you. But I'm an adult. I can make my own choices. And every choice I have ever made since meeting you has revolved around you. Not because I'm immature, but because you're what I want. You make me happy. Why can't you see that? I didn't take the money so that Tyler could have it. Isabella..."
"Stop." His voice was icy. He ran his hand through his hair. "Jesus, I don't care about what happened. All I care about is the fact that you're here right now with me and not with him. I forgive you. I just want to move forward. Please don't talk about him."
He forgives me? He was here right now, so why did my chest still hurt? Why did it still feel like I was drowning? "We need to talk about what happened, James. We can't move forward unless we talk about it."
"You said we were being blackmailed. I'll take your word for it. It's over now. We're going to be okay. We have to be okay."
It wasn't over now. Isabella was still out there, probably planning her next diabolical move. And despite what James said, it didn't sound like he believed me at all. "Then why didn't you call me back? Why did you just disappear?"
