by Ivy Smoak
"You're kidding right?"
"No. This doesn't mean anything." He handed the note back to me.
"What other evidence could you possibly need?"
"Solid evidence."
I tried to stay calm. Rob was working on getting that. Hopefully he'd find something. I had pulled Officer Daugherty into the hallway that I had been talking to Rob in so that no one would overhear us. But this wasn't going the way I would have hoped. Maybe he'd listen to what I had to say next. "Rob and I have both felt like someone's been watching us."
"We have a team outside the hospital. Melissa isn't allowed within 50 feet of the building."
Still not working. "What I mean is that someone in the waiting room is feeding Isabella information. Or there's a camera or something."
"Mrs. Hunter, I don't know how many times I have to tell you that Isabella isn't..."
"Okay. Fine. Then not Isabella. But someone is telling whoever has been sending me these notes what's been going on here." And it's Isabella!
He nodded. "Could be. I'll ask everyone a few questions. See what I can turn up."
"Thank you."
Officer Daugherty glanced at his phone. "Looks like there was no record of that shipment with UPS. It must have just been someone that was dressed like a UPS guy."
"Aren't there cameras in this hospital? You could probably get an angle of his face. Run it against your system?"
"You've been watching too many crime shows. How about you leave the detective work to us? And I recommend you get some sleep."
Condescending asshole. "Thanks, Officer Daugherty."
***
"I heard what you said to Mason. You're not weak," James' father said as he sat down next to me.
I kept my eyes on Officer Daugherty. He was having a conversation with Jen. It definitely wasn't Jen. Or anyone else here. What had I been thinking? None of these people would betray me. I sighed. "You don't know me very well." It was a cold response. But I was trying to focus. I was trying to see if anyone was texting or slipping away too often for the restroom.
"James came to our house once a month for the past two years trying to convince us to meet you. I know more than you think."
I turned toward him. "Really?"
"He didn't tell you?"
I was starting to think that James still didn't tell me a lot of things. "Not exactly. He told me he was trying, though."
"He was pretty relentless, in fact."
I smiled. "That sounds like James."
Jon shifted in his seat. "I owe you an apology."
"You don't. It's between you and James." I wasn't going to interfere anymore. I just wanted James to wake up. I just wanted him to be happy.
"No." He shook his head. "Well, yes, but I'm not talking about that right now." He awkwardly cleared his throat. "When Susan and I were in the room with James, something came up. I know it wasn't the time or place to confront her, but at the moment it seemed necessary."
"You were arguing in his room?" I had left James alone to hear his parents screaming at each other. To hear the chaos that he grew up with and so badly wanted to escape.
"Yes, but..."
"Why would you do that? The doctor specifically said to talk to him quietly. Not yell."
"I'm sorry."
"Why? Why couldn't you put your son first for five seconds?"
"It's not what you think. I was trying..."
"No, that's exactly the point, Jon. You weren't trying."
He lowered both his eyebrows. I hated how much it reminded me of James. I hated how that small action made me want to forgive him, to comfort him. But Jon wasn't James. Rob wasn't James. James was back in surgery. With a DNR and no more chances. My husband was dying. And his own father's yelling caused it. His parents screaming at each other. I refused to sit here and listen to Jon's lame apology. Because I didn't have it in my heart to forgive anyone.
"I don't think he stopped breathing because we were arguing. What I was trying to apologize for was that we moved our argument out of the room."
"He was alone when it happened?"
"I'm so sorry."
He was alone? Tears pricked at my eyes. Mason was wrong. I couldn't lean on any of these people. Because none of them seemed to have James' best interests in mind. Any one of them could have been conspiring alongside Isabella. Any one of them could be the enemy.
"Penny, if you would just let me explain," Jon said.
But I was already walking away. I needed to be alone in my grief. I needed to be alone in my weakness.
Chapter 29
Wednesday
"Penny?" my mom said and knocked on the stall door. "Can you please open the door?"
There was no escaping in this hospital. And I couldn't leave. I needed to be here. I needed to be close to him. I clenched my eyes shut. I couldn't do this right now.
"You know," my mom said, "when you were little and you got upset, you used to lock yourself in your room. No matter what we said to try and console you, you refused to come out. Until you got hungry."
I shook my head. I wasn't a kid anymore. And I wasn't refusing to come out because I was upset. I was refusing to come out because it felt like my life had stopped. It felt like my legs wouldn't work. It felt like my world was black. I was drowning in my grief. I was drowning in my weakness.
"Sweetie, I know you're in pain. Please come out and talk to me."
"I can't talk about my fears because it makes the possibility that much more real."
"Sweetie." My mom touched the stall door.
For some reason the door between us made it easier. It reminded me of going to confession when I was little. I was always so terrified of talking to the priest. Not because I was upset about anything I had done. I was just terrified of him judging me.
I looked down at the notebook on my lap. I had been reading my vows to him again. And trying to make sense of the scribbled, tear stained notes of how he made me feel. The day before our wedding I thought I needed to capture those moments on paper because he had broken up with me. I had actually written quite a bit. But the notes didn't do him justice. And this was so much worse than just us being broken up. Maybe I could have kept going knowing he was out there, alive and happy. But not like this. I couldn't keep going if he died. I couldn't do it. I stifled my sob. "What if he dies, Mom?" It came out as a whisper. It really did feel like I was in confession.
There was no response. My mom just sighed.
"What if I lose him?"
"Then you have to choose to keep living."
Everyone had been telling me that he wouldn't die. That everything would be okay. No one was able to confront the possibility of James dying. "I can't keep living without him."
"You can. And you will."
No. "You don't understand."
"Of course I understand. I love you with all my heart. And I love your father the same. The possibility of losing one of you is terrifying."
"He's my whole world. He's everything."
"Penny, you have family and friends that love you dearly. I understand how it feels like he's everything. But that's the whole reason you keep living. You keep going in order to keep the memory of him alive. And your family and friends help to make that happen."
I touched my stomach. To keep the memory of him alive. If James didn't come out of this, I had to keep living. So the memory of him wouldn't die. I couldn't let the memory of him die. So why did I feel like curling up in a ball and dying beside him? Why was I so weak when I was begging him to be strong and fight his way back to me? I took another deep breath. I needed to shake this feeling. I needed to be stronger than this. I wasn't sure I could keep going without him beside me. But I needed to try. I needed to stop giving up. I needed to stop being so pathetic. "I think I'm hungry now."
My mom laughed. "Then come out and let's go down and get some dinner."
I stuffed my notebook back into my purse. Maybe I wasn't strong enough to keep living without him. But maybe I could wri
te more down. More memories, more feelings, more words to eternalize how wonderful he is. So that no one could ever forget. So that the memory of him would stay alive, even if I couldn't. I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom stall.
My mom had tears in her eyes. And somehow I felt closer to her than I had in years. We had grown apart when I went to college and when I moved away to the city. But I was still her child. I was still allowed to need my mom. And I really needed her right now.
"Mom, I'm pregnant."
"What?" She put her hand over her chest. "Does James know?"
I shook my head. "I found out here. I had been feeling nauseous and emotional and...well, I guess that was why."
She embraced me in a huge hug. "Sweetie, this is the kind of news that allows you to keep fighting."
But it had made me feel weak. Be strong.
"Now we definitely need to get you something to eat."
***
I sat in the waiting room with my eyes closed. All I could hear was the clock.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
"Penny." Bee nudged my arm.
I opened my eyes and saw the doctor walking toward us. She looked exhausted. Her face was completely unreadable. Time seemed to slow down as I stood up.
"As you know, James' lung collapsed," she said. "We thought that we had fixed the puncture before, but it wasn't strong enough. We've repaired it again and removed the air from his chest cavity. There was no tension in his chest, which was a good sign. But his heart stopped during surgery."
It felt like my heart stopped while I was listening. I felt Bee grab my hand. I felt someone else touch my shoulder. Without their support I would have been falling. But it didn't stop the despair inside of me. No. This can't be happening.
"You are all aware that James has a DNR. In all cases we have to respect the patient's desires."
No. God, please no.
"But, it's also a judgment call on our part. The DNR was written a few years ago. And..." she glanced at me, "there were other factors to consider. With that said, we did not follow James' desires. We restarted his heart. And he woke up." The doctor smiled.
I put my hand on my chest. It felt like I could breathe again. He's awake. Even before she said it, I could feel him. Despite everyone around me, I fell. I fell to my knees and cried away my fears. I cried away the feeling of despair.
Everyone around me started cheering and laughing. And I just continued to cry. "Can I see him?" I croaked. "I need to see him."
The doctor crouched down beside me. "He's asleep right now. He needs his rest. But you can go be with him."
"Thank you." I tried to wipe my tears away, but I couldn't seem to stop crying. All my worries from the past few days seemed to seep out of me. And I was filled with this underlying hope.
She nodded. "It's in his best interest to meet his baby."
"Thank you," I said again. I threw my arms around her. "Thank you so much."
"You can thank me by not letting him sue the hospital."
"He wouldn't. I know this is what he wanted."
"I'll need you to get him to sign a few papers when he wakes up saying that's true. But how about right now you go see him?"
I nodded and slowly stood up. I didn't feel weak anymore. I felt strong again. Like I could face anything. And the realization hit me hard. I was strong because of him. James gave me strength. He really was my everything.
I followed the doctor to the door.
"Don't wake him up, Penny. It's very important that he gets rest."
"I won't." I went into the room.
There was no longer a tube down his throat and the color was back in face. He looked like James again. He looked like my husband.
I didn't say a word. Right now he needed rest and silence. Thank you. Thank you for coming back to me. I let my tears fall again. I thought marrying him was the happiest moment of my life. But it wasn't. This was.
PART 3
Chapter 30
Thursday
"Penny," James whispered.
I was dreaming again. James and I were sleeping in our bed. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want the memory to fade. The sun was streaming through the windows. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead. I was surrounded by warmth. The sun on my face and his body intertwined with mine. But nothing came close to the warmth in my heart. The simplest of moments were my favorites. The lazy mornings. Making pancakes for him on the weekends while he pretended to help. I closed my eyes even tighter. I didn't want the memories to fade. I couldn't let the memories fade.
"My beautiful wife," James said and touched the side of my face.
And the realization hit me hard. It wasn't a dream. He had never gotten to wake up in the morning and say those words to me. Until now. My eyes flew open. He was staring at me. James was awake. "James." I didn't try to hide the worry in my voice or the tears in my eyes. And especially not the joy in my heart.
"You haven't been eating," he said slowly. His voice was hoarse. He barely sounded like himself.
"Neither have you."
He laughed and then immediately groaned. "Stubborn as always, I see."
"You're awake." I had almost forgotten the curves of his lips. And the dimples in his cheeks. And that intoxicating way that he looked at me.
"What, you thought I'd leave you?" He smiled again, but it didn't hide the grimace. He was in pain.
"Let me go get the nurse, okay?"
"No." He grabbed my hand.
It felt like a lifetime since he had grabbed my hand. I relished the warmth of his skin and the strength behind his fingers.
"Don't cry. It hurts me to see you cry."
I quickly wiped my tears away. Be strong. "I thought I lost you." I thought you had left me.
He shook his head. "Come here." He patted the bed beside me.
I didn't hesitate. I was tired of dreaming of his arms around me. I thought I'd never get another one of these moments.
He cringed as I climbed onto the bed.
"James, let me get the nurse."
"No. I just need you." He moved his arm so that I could rest my head on his shoulder.
I slowly lay down, trying not to hit any of the wires that were attached to him.
He groaned softly. I wasn't sure why he wouldn't let me get the nurse. But I wanted this moment too. I just hoped I wasn't hurting him too badly.
"Does it hurt?" I asked.
"I'm okay."
It didn't really answer my question, but I knew what he meant. Everything was going to be okay now. We were both alive. That's all that mattered.
"Am I thirty yet?"
Is he? I tried to count the days in my head. I had lost track of time. I had lost track of everything.
"Did you forget my birthday?" He ran his fingers through my hair.
"No. No, it's on Sunday. Today's only Thursday." I closed my eyes and listened to his heart beating. I had a million questions for him. I wanted to know why he still had a DNR. I wanted to know if he had known Isabella was planning on hurting him. But right now, I just wanted to hear his heart beating.
"I guess I woke up just in time to get those meggings?" He laughed and then coughed. "Ow."
"James, I'm going to go get the nurse. They'll give you something for the pain."
"I don't want anything for the pain." His words hung in the air.
"I don't want you to hurt. James, I don't want..."
"I made you a promise in my vows. That you could always rely on me. I won't ever jeopardize that. You're all I need right now. I mean that."
I lifted my head up and ran my palm against the scruff on his chin. "I don't like seeing you in pain."
"Now you know why I hate to see you cry." He gave me a small smile.
I nodded. No more tears. If he was being strong, I could be strong too.
"That wasn't how I pictured our wedding night ending," he said.
"No. I
pictured it very differently."
He smiled. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I ruined..."
"You didn't ruin anything. I'm just so glad you're awake." I'm so glad you came back to me.
We stared at each other in silence for a moment. I hadn't felt this content since our wedding. And I knew that James couldn't just walk out of the hospital right now. He'd have to recover. He needed to heal. A part of me wanted to tell him about the baby. But I wasn't sure how he'd react. Right now he needed to stay calm. So I let the perfect silence settle around us. I stared into his dark brown eyes and let everything slowly shift back to us. Back to that night when he was almost taken from me. Back to what I should have been feeling at that moment. I had this sense of peace. And I knew he had woken up because of me. And he knew I would have died without him. We didn't have to say anything at all. This moment was all that we needed.
"You should eat something," James finally said, breaking the silence.
I smiled. "I don't know how you're worried about me when you're the one with three bullet holes."
"I can barely feel it." He pressed his lips together. "But I could use some water."
"I'll go get you some."
"No, don't...please don't leave."
We locked eyes for another moment. I had no idea what it was like to be in a coma. Had he felt alone? Had he known I was by his side the whole time?
"I think there's a button somewhere." He nodded with his head toward the nightstand.
I reached over and pressed it. "I was with you the whole time, James. Except when they forced me to go shower and eat." I gave him a small smile.
"I know. I must be in major need of a shower."
"No, actually. They let me sponge bathe you."
"That's slightly demeaning." He raised his left eyebrow at me.
"The nurse offered to do it. But you're my husband. I don't want anyone else to see you naked."
"Your husband." He smiled. "Well, you did marry an older man. You better get used to it."
