In the Midst of Innocence

by Deborah Hining

  She came to Pap-pa’s house for dinner again, which makes me very happy. Daddy always acts like such a gentleman around her when he is sober, so I do not have to worry about him scundering us all. Uncle Woodrow is always a gentleman, and so is Pap-pa. I think Miss Weston enjoys being around us all. Of course, Mama and Miss Janey Jo are very sweet to her, and Uncle Woodrow can keep her laughing about the whole time. She tries to behave ladylike when he gets to teasing her, then her face turns red, and she starts to giggle, then she just busts out laughing. It is good to see her having such a good time with us.

  I gave Miss Weston her handkerchief, which made her cry, and then she laughed and said, “Pearl, your handkerchief is coming in handy right now!” as she dabbed at her eyes with it. She is the sweetest lady and the best teacher I ever had.

  Daddy did not have a drop to drink all day. Hallelujah!

  December 21, 1931. I am glad Darlene and I are free to go back and forth between our houses any time we want to except on Saturday and Sunday when Daddy and Billy Ray are home. Mrs. Carlton and Darlene stay over at our place almost all the time during the week. Mama and Mrs. Carlton cook up a storm, and you never smelled such good smells as what comes out of our kitchen on those days! Uncle Woodrow and the boys say that Billy Ray and Daddy are missing the best parts of the week. It gets dark so early now, we eat supper by lantern light, then sit around in front of the fireplace, play games, and feel as if we are on top of the world.

  Sapphire is two months old today. She is doing very well, and Mama seems as fit as ever. I think Mrs. Carlton is good for both of them. Darlene and I are learning French up a storm. Darlene has a head start on me, being Cajun and speaking it since she was a baby, but I am catching up fast. Mama says I have a knack for it. Je suis heureux à ce sujet. That is French for “I am happy about that.”

  December 22, 1931. Nous préparons pour Christmas! Jasper, Sardius, and Uncle Woodrow cut down a pretty little cedar and dragged it into the front room, where it takes up a whole corner. It makes the house smell sweet. Mama had a few chestnuts to put in the coals, which she said were likely the last we would get because the blight has pretty much taken out all the chestnut trees around here. We had a good time roasting them and cutting out paper snowflakes for the tree. It was a cozy, happy time. Of course, Mrs. Carlton and Darlene were here to help trim the tree. They brought over a pecan pie that was the best thing I have ever tasted.

  I have Christmas presents for everyone, thanks to my business income. Jake Hatton has bought a whole quart of whiskey, for which he paid me cash without arguing about it! Pap-pa buys a half-pint about every month. I do not think Walt Bittertree will be buying very much. I always thought he was a teetotaler, so I was surprised that he wanted any at all. I do not count Jake Hatton’s friend as a customer yet because you should never count your chickens before they hatch. I do not worry that I have spent all my money, though, because I know there is always someone out there who is thirsty.

  I have all my Christmas presents ready. For Mama, I have wool mittens that I knitted myself. I made Daddy a bow tie to wear to church. For Jasper, I have a new shirt I made, with Miss Janey Jo’s help. It is blue. Sardius will have a certificate that says “Bravest Brother Award.” He will know that is for taking up for me when Sam Hutchinson called me a name. I also have finished his wool hat, finally! It turned out exactly as I hoped it would. I have paper dolls for Beryl and peppermint candy for Ruby. For Sapphire, I have the beautiful, beautiful pink dress!

  I got some peppermint candy for Darlene, but I don’t have anything for Mrs. Carlton except for a card that I have made. I drew a picture of the river view from the top of her roof and colored it with colored pencils. I think it looks very pretty.

  For Pap-pa, I have pipe tobacco, and I also will give him a pint of Daddy’s whiskey, but I will slip and do it when nobody is looking. Miss Janey Jo will get three white goose feathers I found and dyed pink with beet juice. They are very pretty, and they will make a fancy touch for her hat.

  Uncle Woodrow: I made him a patchwork pillowcase out of bright red, yellow, blue, and white scraps from Miss Janey Jo’s scrap bag. It will look good on his bed.

  I already gave Miss Weston a handkerchief.

  I am ready for Christmas!

  December 23, 1931. Today is the day of the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year. From now on the days get longer and brighter. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! I can hardly wait!

  We have not had snow yet, but it is cold enough to snow. I am hopeful because it is easier for Santa Claus to take off in his sleigh if there is a good snow on the ground, and that makes it more likely that he will make it all the way back to this holler. This year I am hoping he will bring me some rubber boots to wear over my shoes so that my feet do not get wet on sloppy days, but I reckon I would be happy if he would just find a way to keep my daddy from getting drunk, for Billy Ray to stop beating Darlene and her mother, and for my mama and Sapphire to be strong. I know all that is a lot to ask, but we are allowed to dream at Christmastime.

  Cold days, icy nights.

  The Earth stands immobile and frozen,

  But I surge beyond my banks,

  Reaching for the Orb who beckons with her silvery cry.

  We will dance for days in the splendor.

  Joy seeps from the warm houses,

  The Spirit smiles to see love flourishing in the stillness.

  December 24, 1931. It is Christmas Eve! It is also the full moon, the one the Cherokee call the Full Cold Moon. This will be the third full moon in a row that Daddy has not gone foxhunting. It is like a miracle.

  I went over to Darlene’s house to give her and her mother my presents, but they were not home, so I left them on the porch. I hope Billy Ray does not steal them.

  December 25, 1931. Joyeux Noël! This has been a wonderful, wonderful day. Daddy came home late last night after we were all already asleep. He brought very many packages with him that Santa had given him to give to us. Daddy says Santa sometimes has a hard time making it all the way back into our holler, and so he brought our presents to Maryville early and gave them to Daddy to give to us.

  They were all just wonderful. I did not get my boots, but I got a packet of writing paper and a whole set of colored pencils, new stockings, and some warm gloves. And peppermint candy! And an orange! Everyone loved the presents I gave them, too. Mama wore her mittens all day. She almost did not take them off for dinner. Miss Janey Jo got her best hat and stuck all three goose feathers in it, and then she wore it the rest of the day.

  For dinner, we had a huge feast of ham with gravy, biscuits, corn, green beans that Miss Janey Jo had canned over the summer, sweet potatoes, white potatoes, and turnips. For dessert, we had fruitcake with raisins. I think this was the best Christmas we ever had.

  Daddy did not drink one drop of whiskey today. Daddy and Uncle Woodrow played for us while we all danced, including Mama. We all took turns dancing with Sapphire, who was wearing the dress I got her. It was too big, but Mama tied a ribbon around it and cinched it in so it looked fine. It will fit her perfectly for Easter.

  December 26, 1931. Daddy was sober all day again today, which makes me think that maybe Santa Claus got my message, but I have my doubts because I know things are worse for Darlene and her mother. Darlene came over by herself with goat milk for Sapphire, and some delicious bread that we ate for dinner, but Mrs. Carlton did not come. Darlene does not ever lie to me, but tonight she told a big one. She said that her mother did not come because she would rather stay with her husband when he has been gone all week. We all know that Billy Ray does not give Mrs. Carlton the choice. He will not let her step foot out of the house when he is home.

  Darlene did not ask, but she had her nightgown with her, which meant that she was hoping we would invite her to spend the night, which Mama did, even though Daddy gave her the evil eye. Then, when Mama offered to let Darlene take a bath, she turned her down, saying she had already had a bath. That was a lie, also. She is a little
stinky. I am afraid she might have some bruises and cuts she does not want us to see. I can tell Mama is thinking the same thing.

  We all got quiet, wondering what that mean old Billy Ray is doing to them. It is best to keep quiet in the face of other people’s troubles so they do not think you are pitying them, but I would give anything to make Darlene feel safe and happy.

  December 28, 1931. Daddy left early this morning as usual, and Billy Ray did, too, so Mrs. Carlton and Darlene came over for about all day. We played games again, and Mrs. Carlton and Darlene stayed through supper. By then it was time to go milk, so Uncle Woodrow was very nice to walk Mrs. Carlton across the creek. Darlene stayed here to help us do our own chores, and then we waited for Uncle Woodrow to come back so we could keep on with our games, but I reckon he went on to bed up in the loft because he never came back. I wish he would not just disappear like that. At least he does not disappear for long, as he used to. These days he disappears only for a few hours at a time. I suppose we should count our blessings. Darlene is going to stay the night again tonight. That is a blessing!

  Cold days, bitter nights

  Lovers lie together snug among feathers,

  While children play nearby in warmth.

  All is safe when the cruel one is away,

  But Darkness lies waiting amid the naked greenleaves.

  The Earth sleeps, but even in her sleep,

  She turns her face toward the bright brother.

  I run silent, holding my silver children close.

  December 29, 1931. Today was very fun. Beryl, Darlene, and I slept late because we had been up most of the night swapping stories. When we woke up, it seemed very bright outside, and we could hear Jasper, Sardius, and Uncle Woodrow out there laughing and hollering. When we looked out the window, there was snow all over the ground! Of course, we rushed right out to play in it, even before we ate any breakfast. Darlene, who had never seen snow before, could not believe her eyes. She kept picking up globs of it and licking it off her fingers.

  We built snow forts and had a big snowball fight. Darlene does not have any mittens, so Jasper was sweet to take his off and give them to her to wear. Then he could not help much with the snowman we made, so he just stood aside, telling us what to do while he kept his hands in his pockets. We put the hat I knitted for Sardius on him, and then Jasper ran in and got Daddy’s kilt, which we got to keep on him for just a little bit because Mama came rushing out the minute she saw it and made us take it right off. She said Daddy would kill us if he knew we were treating his kilt so badly. That made Uncle Woodrow laugh because he thinks Daddy is silly the way he carries on about the Wallace clan and what he calls his “heritage.” Uncle Woodrow does not even wear a bit of tartan pinned to his shirt when he goes to the Highland Games.

  Afterward, we made snow-ice cream, which was delicious!

  December 31, 1931. This is New Year’s Eve. We are all going over to Pa-pa’s house to spend the night. Even Darlene is going with us. I hope we can stay awake until Midnight to ring in 1932! The fun in the snow is still going on.

  January

  January 1, 1932!!! Happy New Year! 1932 is here at last! It snowed again last night, so we got to go sledding down Pap-pa’s big hill. Everyone but Darlene, Beryl, Ruby, and I went home to tend to the chores, so it was just us girls with Miss Janey Jo all day long. She dug out Mam-ma’s big work boots for me to wear so I would not get my new shoes wet. They were way too big for me, but I put on four pairs of socks, and although I was very clumsy walking around in them, I was fine once I got on the sled. She also found a pair of mittens for Darlene, which she said Darlene could keep. Miss Janey Jo is very kind. I am glad Pap-pa married her, even if he did not wait a decent interval after Mam-ma died.

  When it was about time to go home, Miss Janey Jo asked us to stay for supper and to sleep over again. We were ascared that our mamas would be worried about us, but Pap-pa said he would just ride over there and let them know we would be home tomorrow. When he came back, he had Sardius with him. We had a grand supper, then Pap-pa played his fiddle and Miss Janey Jo brought out some material she had put aside, and we made a little rag doll for Sapphire while Sardius and Pap-pa whittled out some legs for it. I barely can keep my head up to write this. We stayed up past Midnight last night, and now it is ten o’clock, and I am very, very sleepy.

  They say what you do on New Year’s Day sets the tone and that you will do the same thing every day for the whole rest of the year. If that is the case, then I will do nothing but play all year long.

  January 2, 1932. Darlene and I slept late this morning. Sardius had already walked home before we got up, and Pap-pa drove us home in the buggy so we would not get our shoes muddy. The snow is melting, making the path just one big pig sty. Darlene went straight home, and I did not see her the rest of the day.

  As soon as she left, Daddy took a bag of sugar out of the cupboard and disappeared. Uncle Woodrow said he was going to check on the raft Sardius and Jasper were building over in his old shed. I asked him if I could go with him, but Mama reminded me that I needed to help Ruby with her reading. Mama has been too busy to help her much, and she is afraid she will forget the words she already knows if we do not keep working with her.

  Ruby loves Baby Chatterbox, especially the part where baby keeps saying, “Baby, baby, baby loves kitty, kitty, kitty, and kitty, kitty, kitty loves baby, baby, baby.” She reads it over and over and then laughs her head off, and reads it again! It plagues me to death. I have been trying to get her interested in The Wind in the Willows, which is one of my favorites, but she keeps wanting to go back to Baby Chatterbox. After we had read it about ten times, she finally let me read The Wind in the Willows to her. She remembered some of the words and picked them out without my help. I am very proud of her.

  January 3, 1932. Darlene spent the night with us again last night. She showed up right after supper with a bruise on her cheek, so I knew she had had a rough time with Billy Ray. I know that is why her mother lets her come and stay at our house so much, to keep her away from him.

  Although we went to bed early, we did not go to sleep. After Beryl and Ruby fell asleep, we were still talking, and Darlene told me the worst thing! She asked me if I knew where babies came from. I told her I surely did, being as how I have seen firsthand how worn out Mama gets every time she has to go out looking in the cabbage patches for a new little one. Then Darlene said that was wrong, and that babies come from something just awful that fathers do to mothers. I do not know where she heard that outlandish tale. I tried to tell her she was wrong, but she got very quiet and would not answer me. After a while I figured she was asleep, but then I heard her crying. She would not say what the matter was, but she let me put my arms around her and pet her for a little while, until she got quiet again.

  I feel so sorry for Darlene, I could just cry myself. I would like to talk to Mama about what she told me, but I’m ascared she will think something is wrong in the head with Darlene and she might not let me play with her any more. I do not know where she heard that awful tale about what men do. I know my own Daddy is a sorry drunk, but he would never do that to my sweet Mama. She would leave him and go back to her daddy if he tried.

  January 4, 1932. Today was the first day of school in 1932. We did not have many lessons today. Miss Weston was tired after her long trip. She drove all the way from Chicago by herself. She is very brave!

  Darlene came over right before supper because Billy Ray is not working over at Big Creek this week on account of the weather over there is too bad, and he is in a black mood. She had her nightdress in a sack, tied up so that it looked like a big, soft ball. We were out in the front yard, tossing it back and forth, when Ralph Lee Bittertree came into the yard.

  I cannot stand Ralph Lee Bittertree’s hide. He is the meanest boy, and about as ugly as they come, with a long, scrawny neck and a big Adam’s apple that bobs up and down when he talks. He has yellow teeth and greasy hair, and he always has a scrawny stubble on his chin. I j
ust hate the sight of him.

  Anyway, we were tossing the sack back and forth, and all of a sudden, he ran up and grabbed it out of Darlene’s hand, and he shook it out and flapped her nightdress around, holding it up to himself, mincing around like a silly woman. Darlene tried to snatch it from him, and he hauled off and backhanded her, threw the nightdress down in the mud and stomped on it! I got so mad I punched him in the stomach, but he hit me back, hard, and then he said, “You little n— lover! You just wait till the fellers over by Madisonville get their hands on you and your n—friend. They’ll burn down both your houses!” and then he stalked off. Before he got out of the yard, he turned and spit at us.

  I was so mad I ran into the house to tell Mama, but Jasper caught me on the front porch before I got inside. He said, “Don’t go telling on him to Mama, Pearl. It will just rile her.” Then put his arm around me and Darlene until we both felt a little better. Darlene was whimpering, but as soon as he started petting her, she snuggled up against him and quit sniffling.

  I wish I could kill Ralph Lee Bittertree dead, and I wish I could kill Billy Ray dead, too. That job Billy Ray is doing can be dangerous, and it would be fitting if he got knocked in the head taking apart one of those big machines. Darlene and Mrs. Carlton would be as free as birds!

  After supper, we all sat around the fire and swapped stories. Uncle Woodrow seemed a little blue, so we tried to cheer him up by singing rounds. It didn’t work very well. He just got more and more sad, and then he finally got up and went out to the barn to go to sleep.

  It is past my bedtime. Darlene and Beryl are already asleep, so I think I will go to bed, too.