“Goodest? Really, smart girl?” I laughed out loud and wiped what looked a lot like a tear from my cheekbone.
“Just seeing if you’re paying attention. Becki, promise me that if you can’t bare your soul to Calon, you’ll let him go before he gets too tangled up in you. The guy can’t handle any more heartbreak in his life.”
“Gracie Ann Jordan, don’t guilt me into staying with your second favorite guy just because you want him to be happy.”
“Get real. Chicks before dicks. I’d never put his heart before yours. But, just be careful, you both deserve the big love I know you both have just under the surface.” She giggled, knowing what my reaction would be.
“Gag.” I rubbed my eyes on the sheet and looked at the streaks of residual mascara I left behind. “So you think I overreacted.”
“I do, Becki, but not because you chose to. It’s just something you’re gonna have to get through together. Calon’s reaction was based on his past, too. He’s had to protect the women in his life from some pretty nasty situations, and I am sure it was a gut reaction for him to want to kill someone who was overstepping what should’ve been a respectable, professional boundary.”
“I get it. I just don’t know how to turn it off. I was really pissed.”
“So, you’re not now?”
“I’m not. Ugh. I’m such an idiot. I’m going to screw this boy up more than he already is if I’m not careful.”
“Then be careful, Becki. There’s something big just around the corner for the two of you. I just know it. I can see it in yours and Calon’s eyes when you’re together. You just have some walls to scale, that’s all.”
“Yeah.”
“You good?”
“I’m good. Now go finish your movie.” My voice was more upbeat after such a short conversation. It took Gracie five minutes to translate what would have taken me days. Thank God for Gracie… every girl should have one.
“I’m not going back out there. I’m gonna strip and get under the covers and wait.” She was absolutely giddy over her seductive self.
“Thatta girl! Love you, G.”
“Love you right back, B. Now, call Calon!” She giggled and hung up.
Shit. Now I had to straighten everything out with Calon. Dammit. I lay back on the pile of pillows I’d stacked behind me while I was talking to Gracie. My heart was racing, and my stomach felt like there were a thousand butterflies inside. I usually didn’t let guys do this to me. In fact, I’d never let any guy do to me what Calon had done.
I guess after my dad left, my heart secured itself inside my chest and decided that’s where it would stay. I wouldn’t give it away again. So, Jesse and Shawn only got my surface. My relationships with each of them could have been considered long term but, as far as boyfriends go, they really were just convenient place holders until someone would steal my heart right out of my chest. That’s exactly what Calon had done. I just somehow always thought I’d have a say in it, but I didn’t.
Calon was beautiful, inside and out. He wasn’t tainted by the pain he’d endured so far in his life, at least not as tainted as I’d been. He was kind and receptive and open to the love that was blooming between us. At least it seemed that way. Maybe he was as tormented by his feelings and scars as I was but was just better at swallowing all of it. I didn’t swallow well. That thought made me giggle, because that was true in all areas of my life with boys. My phone buzzed with a text. When I saw his name and the thirteen missed calls again, my stomach flipped over itself.
Calon: Hey
Me: Hey
Calon: You ok?
Me: I think so.
Calon: I was worried.
Me: No need to worry. I can take care of myself.
Calon: That’s obvious.
I just sat and stared at his short sentences on my screen. I pictured him sitting on the end of the bed in their hotel room, head down, elbows on his knees. My fingers hovered over the keys, and I tried to think of what to say next. I felt like I owed him an explanation, but he really deserved more than a texted conversation.
Calon: Are you at the hotel?
Me: Yeah. You?
Calon: Yeah.
I wished I could see his face.
Calon: Becks?
Me: Calon?
Calon: I’m sorry.
Me: Thanks. Me too. Are you mad?
Calon: What are you sorry for? And no, not mad. Confused.
Me: I’m sorry for freaking out. I don’t think I’m mad anymore.
Calon: I want to see you.
Me: Room 227. Hurry.
I hopped up, threw on sweats and a t-shirt from my bag, ran to the bathroom and put my hair up in a bun, then sat cross-legged in the center of the bed and waited. And waited. What the hell was taking him so long? The other room was just a couple floors up, not across town,
The knock on the door made me jump and woke up the damn butterflies in my stomach. When I stood, my legs felt unsteady beneath me. I stopped and took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I wasn’t sure which emotion would make its way out first.
I peeked out the peep hole. His face was so sad, his eyes looked down toward his feet. One hand was shoved into his jeans pockets, and he shifted his weight to the left just as his other hand drug through the curls on the top of his head. I unlocked the door and opened it slowly, my face matching his in discontent.
“Oh, hi, rock star. You wanna come in?” I tried to smile to ease the tension.
His head still bowed, he peeked up through his thick top lashes and smiled slightly. I moved to the side and motioned with my hand. He dipped his shoulder and walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. His t-shirt was torn on one side, and his knuckles were bloody. He planted his elbows on his thighs and clasped his hands between his knees and winced. His face still aimed at the floor. I hated how ashamed he seemed to feel.
“Calon—”
“Don’t, Becks, I owe you an apology. I acted like a dick, and I embarrassed you. I’m really sorry, it’s just, Max. Fuck! He was using you to try and prove something, and I wasn’t going to let him do that to you. Ya know?”
I got down on my knees in front of him and sat back on my heels. “Calon, if what you did was to prove a point to Max, then that’s childish bullshit. But I think you did it to keep me safe, and that’s something entirely different.”
“He almost copped a feel under your skirt. I saw his hand on the inside of your thigh, and I knew what would happen next if I didn’t make him stop. Becki, I’m sorry for my comment about you not being his to take.”
“Calon, look, I’m such a mess, and I didn’t even know it. I thought I had all my shit together and, apparently, I don’t. See, I had this boyfriend in high school, Jesse, who was insanely possessive and would beat guys up on a weekly basis if they looked at me, talked to me, helped me with a project, or anything else. When you flew into Max, all I saw was you proving a point, I was yours to keep.”
“But, Becks, I want you to be mine. Not mine because you belong to me but mine because you’ll let me hold your whole heart. Does that make sense?” He was nervous, and I wasn’t used to seeing this side of my sure-of-himself boyfriend.
“It does make sense. The thought of handing you my whole heart makes me panic because then what happens when you walk away? What does it feel like to put a used heart back in my chest?”
“Becki, listen.” He reached for my face. His warm hands cradled my cheeks, and his thumbs rubbed my cheekbones so lightly I shivered. “I’m not asking you to turn your entire life over to me. Maybe I’m not even asking you to give me your heart. I just want you to trust me with it.”
I smiled. His face was perfect, his bouncy curls dropped down in front of his evergreen eyes each time he spoke. His eyes sucked me in. Their color unlike any I’d ever seen. They were mesmerizing. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and said three words I’d never said to any male in my life. “I trust you.”
He sat up straight. The smile on his face grew
, and there was an ornery twinkle in his eye that I found myself completely turned on by. I stood when he did, my face still cradled in his hands.
“Becki, I have never felt for anyone what I feel for you. Tonight, when you left and I had no idea where you were, my chest actually ached. It was like someone carved a part of my heart from my chest. I thought I’d just lost the best thing that ever happened to me. My chest hurt worse than my hand did when I punched Max.”
My stomach rolled. I took his punching hand in mine and brought his knuckles to my lips and kissed then gently. He winced. “Oh, God. I’m so sorry! Your knuckles.”
He cracked up. “Becki. Chill. It’s fine. I’m just messing with you. It really doesn’t hurt.”
“Oh, so your chest really didn’t hurt all that bad when I left the club.”
“Huh? Yeah it did. Why?”
“Well, you said your chest hurt worse than your hand did when you punched Max. So, if your hand doesn’t really hurt then…” I smiled, I was just being corny. I got what he was trying to say.
“My hand did hurt. When I hit him the first time, I felt it crack. That hurt like a bitch. But, then the adrenaline just takes over and everything goes numb, ya know?” He pulled me in for a hug. I turned my head and pressed it to his neck. I took a deep breath and almost died. Fuck. He smelled incredible. I could have thrown him down on the bed, stripped him, and rode him until the sun came up. But, shit, the guy was practically a virgin, so that wasn’t going to happen.
“Calon?” I tipped my head back and looked up at him.
“Yeah?” He gently brushed the hair off my cheeks. He tried to tuck some behind my ears but failed, and it fell right back in front of my face.
“Are we okay? I mean, we didn’t just take a step backwards, did we?” I kissed him on the chin.
“If anything, Becks, we took a step forward. We’re breaking down walls and being bare ass honest with each other. That’s definitely a step in the right direction.”
Bare ass. He said those two words, and I barely heard the rest of what he said. Dammit. “Pinch me.”
“Pinch you?” He cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow.
“I need to snap out of something. No one’s ever done this to me.” My eyes fluttered when I said it. It was such a cliché thing to say, and I was so not cliché. I usually hated those terms and catch phrases that you read about couples saying to each other in those sappy romance novels. But maybe there was something to be said for being sappy and cliché. I mean, sometimes there was no better way to say it. So, there must be some validity to it. “Was that weird?”
Calon practically cackled. “Weird? Was what weird?”
“The thing I just said. Oh, shit. It was so weird, wasn’t it?”
“Becki, you’ve got to stop worrying about every single thing you say and think. Just be who you are. Just be.”
Just be who you are. Kind of cliché, but so much depth to it. Did I know how to just be? I didn’t. I knew I didn’t. I didn’t even know who I was. Maybe that was my problem. I took a deep breath, and the words just fell from my mouth. I didn’t plan them, just said them. “When my dad left, I needed to step up and help my mom. I didn’t let myself get caught up in all the typical teen girlie things all my friends did, because I felt like I was solely responsible for my mom’s sanity. I’ve never been one to ‘just be’. But it sounds nice; so healthy and pure and real. Calon, I’m really not as tough as I let people think I am. I think I even have Gracie snowed for the most part.”
“Just be… with me. I don’t care if you fake it with the rest of the planet. I want you to just be with me.” Oh, there was nothing more I wanted to do than be with him right that minute. Like, BE with him.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and crashed into his mouth. He chuckled a little into my mouth as he tried to match my fervor. He tasted of beer and Calon. Our heads tilted in opposite directions as our lips slid over one another’s. His tongue danced with mine; a gentle but persuasive dance. He kissed me deeply. His hands left my face and landed on my hips. Strong fingers grasped the fabric of my sweatpants, and he grunted softly as if he were wishing them away. I dropped my hands from his curls and looped my thumbs inside the waistband. Warm hands and strong fingers kneaded my hips, his thumbs on my hipbones.
“Becki,” he spoke my name against my mouth. It was barely audible as it fell from his lips, more like a breath with a tune.
I didn’t answer, just pulled away from his mouth and looked up at his strong smooth face. His eyes were closed, and his long dark lashes rested against the top of his cheeks. They slowly opened, and it took him more effort to lift them than it should have. His eyes focused on mine, and I didn’t need to say anything. He knew what I was giving him permission to do. I wanted all of him. I was ready to just be.
He took a step back, reached inside the back neckline of his shirt, and pulled it up over his head. I was frozen, and my jaw dropped when his shirt hit the floor. I couldn’t help it. I’d imagined what his bare chest looked like, but, until that moment, I had never actually seen it. It was firm and defined but not too much. And, oh my fuck, his abs. It was obvious he worked on his abs, too. My eyes raked down across each ripple of muscle. Everything inside me clenched when I reached the dark hair just below his belly button that disappeared behind the button of his jeans. I longed to feel his skin against mine.
As I closed the space between us, I smiled at all the times I’d stood in the front row at Alternate Tragedy’s shows and practically came in my shorts just watching how sensual Calon was when he sang.
“What’s so funny?” He rested his forearms on my shoulders and made a ponytail at the base of my neck with his hands.
“Just thinking of all the times I fantasized about this happening.” I suddenly felt shy about him knowing that.
“Really?” The look on his face was honest disbelief, but how in the world could he not know that every girl in the bar was having inappropriate thoughts as he sang?
“It’s your voice, Calon. You could peel the clothes off a roomful of women if you wanted to.” I could no longer control myself. I placed my hands lightly on his chest and brushed each one up over his collarbone and down his strong shoulders, down his forearms and to his bare stomach. The pulsing happening deep inside me got stronger, more intense.
“I could sing to you right now, Becks. I mean, if you wanted me to.” That damn crooked curl at the corner of his mouth melted me. I was so mesmerized by this man I had to consciously make an effort to keep my walls down and take him all in. I needed to focus on how I felt and give myself permission to react instinctively.
“I would die.” I took a step past him and sat on the end of the bed.
“Okay, you ready?”
I nodded my head as I mouthed ‘no’, and he smiled, rubbed his face with both hands then put them in his pockets. It was Calon’s signature stance, and it was hot. His one leg bent and unbent just the tiniest bit, keeping beat to a song that hadn’t made its way out of him yet. He closed his eyes and dropped his head back as his whole body moved seductively to that quiet beat. He hummed a soft tune then closed his eyes and sang.
Girl, my body aches.
My head, it spins.
Everything about you wrecks me.
I long for you more each day.
His voice was deep, smooth, and sultry. His eyes still closed. As he continued to sing, I was melting.
My heart, it’s pulling you in.
Don’t leave me. Don’t walk away.
He opened his eyes, and they met mine. The sadness that usually floated just under their surface had turned to hope.
Girl, you wreck me.
My heart, it’s singing our song.
Let me hold you, touch you…
I wanna be inside you.
After that verse, a fire burned in his eyes that only one thing could extinguish. And that one thing was about to happen. Holy shit. I stood and walked over to him, tucked my fingers in his waistband,
and unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. Unable to help myself, I looked down. Tight gray boxer briefs stretched over something I coveted.
“Show me, Calon,” I instructed breathlessly. My heart raced and my hands trembled.
He flashed that cocky smirk again, but then it turned into a shy grin. He pushed his jeans down and let them fall to the floor. He stepped out of them then ducked his head and looked at me through his top eyelashes. “Becks, it’s been a long time—a really, really long time.”
“Calon, it’s okay,” was all I could force out. Every pump of my heart was so intense everything that could throb throbbed. I wanted to comfort him somehow, so I did what made the most sense. I pulled my tank over my head and shook my hair out when its length got tangled. I stood and dropped my sweatpants. I had nothing under them to block his view of all of me. I slowly lifted my eyes to Calon’s. His eyes were hungry. I stepped out of my sweatpants and draped my arms over his broad shoulders. “Just be.”
I kept my hands on his shoulders as he bent forward and dragged the briefs down over his hips, down past his strong thighs. They fell to the floor when they got to his knees. He stood slowly and nervously rubbed his forehead and winced with one eye when his face reached mine.
“I don’t know… I’m not…”
“Show me how to touch you, Calon.” I leaned up and kissed him.
The hand that rubbed his forehead slid slowly down his chest. My eyes followed that hand. He was going to show me. I watched as he touched his abs from the top ridges down past his hip to the front of his thigh. I felt him take a deep breath and hiss it out through his clenched teeth. He took himself into his hand with a firm grip. His long fingers wrapped around and barely met his thumb on the other side. It sent shivers up my spine when I realized how thick that made him. He slowly pumped himself. Once. Twice.
Above the Noise Page 7
