Above the Noise

by Michelle Kemper Brownlow

“So, what are we going to do, Calon?” We walked up the stairs and into my place.

  “Well, I think Dr. Daily had a good plan. You come back here and stay put at twenty-eight weeks.”

  “Are you doing that math? We are home, in Knoxville, for four of those weeks. I’d only be back in LA with you for four weeks, and then I’d have to move home. The baby is coming at the end of May. That’s all of March, April, and May away from you. Calon! You guys have shows all the way into the fall of next year. I can’t do that to you guys. And, I don’t want to be that far away from you all that time.”

  Standing in the middle of my living room, I took her into my arms and let her bag fall from my shoulder. “Listen, I hate the idea of being away from you, but like Dr. Daily said, we have to start putting her ahead of what we want.” I touched her belly with both my hands.

  “I’m really just a little too selfish for this, Calon. Why couldn’t you just have left your dick in your pants? Ugh.” She stomped over to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. I followed her.

  “Now, that’s all your fault. If you weren’t so unbelievably sexy, I would have had no problem keeping it in my pants. I did pretty well with that for the four years before I met you, ya know.”

  “I still don’t know how you did that. Four years? That’s some will power.” She took a big gulp of water.

  “Or hand power.” I made the universal jacking-off gesture, and with bad timing, I might add, because the giant gulp of water Becki had just taken came back out all over me.

  “You’re such a dork.” She wiped off her face and mine while she giggled non-stop. “Hey, I promised Gracie I’d stop by her work and let her know how the ultrasound went. Wanna come?” She laced her hands around my waist and stood on her toes to kiss me, even though she was tall enough she didn’t really need to.

  “I really should head to the studio. The guys have been there working on shit for hours without me.”

  “Okay, well, maybe we can have dinner with Jake and Gracie tonight?” She winced a little, as though she needed to beg me to spend time with them. I loved Gracie like a sister, and once Jake realized I wasn’t trying to steal her from him, we hit it off. I loved hanging out with them and missed it a lot while we’d been gone.

  “Of course, that sounds great. Let’s shoot for six-ish? You text me where you want me to meet you, and I’ll be there.” She nodded against me but didn’t let go.

  “What are you thinking, Miss Mowry?” I pulled her face to mine.

  “You’re going to have a daughter, Mr. Ridge.” A pang of nervousness hit my stomach so hard I blinked, and it stole my breath.

  “We’re having a girl.” I kissed her slow and deep. Our mouths celebrated with a kiss that left me weak and wanting more. “If she’s half as amazing as her mommy, she will be perfect.”

  A daughter.

  My girl.

  AFTER I SIGNED in at The Knoxville Extension School office, the secretary pointed me in the direction of Gracie’s classroom. The only sound in the hallway was my Converse squeaking on the linoleum tile floor. I walked slowly and looked at all the art hanging on the walls in the wide hallway. There were paintings of trees with bits and pieces of torn green tissue paper glued on for leaves. Then there were larger horizontal drawings of words that had me mesmerized in no time. They were obviously done by older children with a significant interest in art. It looked as though students had traced large letters to spell a word of their choice, and then they used colorful markers to add pattern and designs to each letter. They were beautiful. I whispered each word as I walked.

  “TRUST, HOME, FRIENDS, HAPPY, BEACH, LIFE, LOVE, SUNSET…”

  I stopped dead in my tracks and walked over to touch the intricate lines on a word that stood out from the rest. The letters were drawn on a black piece of paper, where all the others were on white. The letters were outlined in white, and the designs within the letters were done with expert precision in metallic gold.

  “ABSOLUTE.” I spoke just above a whisper and took in every nuance of every line. There was a subtle movement to the design. The design in the ‘A’ was sparse, just a couple small shapes, almost like the yin yang symbol. Each letter became more dense with design, ending on the ‘E’ that was so filled with meticulous lines and shapes that the design you saw when you stood back was actually created by a void of lines. The shapes were made up of the black spaces between the designs. The artist’s initials, ‘SKO’, were hidden in the design.

  I grabbed my phone from my pocket and texted a photo of the project to Calon. I knew that was probably a rip-off in the art community, but it’s not like I was going to sell it or claim it to be my own. I just wanted to share the beautification of that word with Calon.

  “Okay, now, I’m going to play you a song, and I want you to sing to your new friend.” Gracie’s voice was perfect for the social work profession and working with special needs and troubled kids. It was the epitome of peace and calm but somehow strong at the same time. I stood just outside her room, leaned against the wall and listened.

  “Miss Jordan, I don’t know the words.”

  I heard Gracie giggle. “Joe Joe, honey, I didn’t play the song yet. Hold your horses.”

  I smiled. If this school didn’t hire her after graduation, they were missing out. She was made for this job. I, personally, was always nervous around mentally challenged people. I was too worried they’d think I was staring, or if I laughed they wouldn’t know I was laughing with them and not at them. I was happy to wait out in the hallway until Gracie was free.

  I gently dropped my head back against the wall when I heard the music start. “Lips Like Sugar” by Echo and the Bunnymen was our ritual while we got ready for parties in Gracie’s apartment. Gracie, Stacy, and I would dance around like idiots while we showered, got dressed, and put on our make-up. I knew Gracie and I were both having the same flashbacks at that moment, which made me smile. But, partying was now a part of my past. You don’t see many pregnant girls at fraternities these days. It would’ve been fun to party a little just with Gracie while we were home for the month, like old times. An attempt at one last hoorah before she and Jake graduate, and we all end up going out into the real world. I pressed my hand to my stomach just as Gracie opened the door and stuck her head into the hallway.

  “Becki! I hoped you’d be here. You need to come in and see this.” She grabbed me by the hand that wasn’t on my belly and tugged.

  “Oh, Gracie, you know how this stuff is for me. It makes me super uncomfortable. I’ll just wait out here.” I struggled against her grip.

  “Becki, we’re listening to music and hanging out with puppies. You can’t find that much fun in the hallway. Come on!”

  “I’m gonna kill you, Gracie Ann.”

  “You love me.”

  She pulled me around the corner and into a room that threw me right back into an elementary school mindset. It smelled like paint, the kid kind of paint. Sunshine filled the room through a whole wall of windows. There were colorful kid-made mobiles hanging from the ceiling, and a huge red carpet that took up most of the entire floor. There were some desks on the carpet but not many.

  There were about ten little people sitting on the carpet in a tight circle. They were trying their damnedest to keep up with the lyrics of Echo and the Bunnymen while they loved on what looked to be an entire litter of golden retriever pups. The giggles far outweighed the actually singing, but a more precious scene I’d never laid eyes on.

  “Miss Jordan, can you and your friend come play, too?” A little blonde girl with glasses tried to hold her puppy still as she spoke. She ended up getting a mouthful of puppy tongue but couldn’t have cared less. It just made her giggle louder.

  “Come on, Beck. You can do this. You just have to relax. Look at it as just a group of kids and puppies and try to look past their differences. Try to see them for what they are, happy little people.” Gracie whispered, so I was the only one who heard her directive.

  “F
ine.” I was terrified but knew it would make Gracie so happy to have me experience the activity with her and her class.

  “Well, make some room, guys.” Gracie poked her foot between a dark-haired little boy and the blonde who’d asked us to play. Gracie and I fought against the current of puppies trying to lick us to death as we squeezed in between them and sat down. “Guys, this is my best friend, Becki.”

  “Hi, Miss Becki.” All ten of them sang their welcome in unison. I smiled and thanked them but tried not to make eye contact. My stomach was filled with butterflies, and I couldn’t wait for them to be dismissed for lunch, so I could have lunch with Gracie and tell her my big news.

  “This is Taryn, Timothy, Thomas, Jenna, Marcus, Gabe, Joe Joe, April, Calla, and Sammy.” She knew there was no way I would remember all their names, but she was being polite.

  “Hi, everyone. It’s nice to meet you.” I waved and smiled.

  “You guys aren’t singing. Come on! Let’s sing the words you hear.” Gracie glowed brighter than I’d ever seen her. She was in her element. Her heart was so huge, and she gave her love away so freely. I couldn’t imagine a better group of people to be the recipients of pieces of her heart. I felt myself relax.

  A tired little pup curled up in my lap, sighed a big puppy sigh, and snuggled into me. The name tag on his collar said Sisco and the longer I stroked his fuzzy back, the more relaxed I felt. Soon, I was as close as I’d ever been to looking past the obvious difficulties these children came into the world with. It was their laughter. That beautiful sound dissolved my nervous jitters. There were only a couple kiddos that I couldn’t pinpoint their challenge. Almost half the circle was made up of kids with Down syndrome. There was a set of twins with coke bottle thick glasses, who reached for the puppies but didn’t appear to be able to see them very well. One little girl had an oxygen tank next to her and clear tubes that wrapped around her ears and went into her nose. She smiled at the puppies and giggled the loudest when the rest of the class sang about lips like sugar and sugar kisses.

  A loud buzz came over the PA system, causing me to jump in surprise. All the kids ran to the bank of cubbies in the back of the room, and all the dogs went wild with the open space to play.

  “Becki! Help me get these guys in their crate!”

  Gracie and I must’ve looked like greased pig wranglers because the kids stood at the edge of the carpet and giggled harder at us than they had at the puppies’ kisses. Sisco was the last one in, and we locked the crate. The room erupted into cheers and applause. Becki and I bowed and curtsied to the class, which cracked us up as much as it did them.

  “All right. All right. Get to lunch. Go on. Scoot.” She brought up the end of their single file line out the door. Just then someone from Animals Are Friends, a non-profit pet therapy group, came in and left with the crate of puppies.

  “See you next week, Miss Jordan!” He flashed a big smile and a wave.

  “Bye, Doc!”

  The little blonde girl, who’d invited me to play with her and her friends, ran back in with her lunchbox in one hand and pushing up her glasses with the other. She ran right up to me, put her little chubby arms around me, and hugged me with her cheek pressed against my belly.

  “Thank you for playing with us, Miss Becki. You’re pretty. I love your hair.” She squeezed me so tight it almost hurt.

  “Thank you for asking me to play with you…” I looked at Gracie when I realized I didn’t know anyone’s name.

  “Taryn.” She spoke her name with a slight speech impediment which made her ‘r’ sound more like a ‘w’, which was adorable. She tilted her head back, and I fell into the most gentle, inviting eyes I’d ever seen in a child. It was almost like she was an older soul living in a school age girl’s body. My nose burned as a warning the tears would soon fall. I blinked them back. She lay her rosy cheek against my belly again and took a deep breath. She squeezed me too tight once more then skipped out of the room. A tear slid down my cheek.

  “Beck?”

  “Shut up. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Just today I turned into this blubbering idiot.” I wiped the tears away and pulled a chair up to Gracie’s desk.

  “It’s all the hormones. I remember my mom’s friends being pregnant, and they cried over everything. That’ll be you soon.” She giggled and pulled a big Panera bag from the fridge and quickly transformed her desk into a table for two. Once she was done, we had our own little café.

  “Oh, Gracie,” I said her name in a very sexual tone, but it had to do with the Caprese Panini she’d ordered for me. Nothing had ever tasted so good. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was. Luckily, Gracie and I had been friends long enough that she knew it was the sandwich that brought out my sexy voice.

  “Okay. Tell me. How was the ultrasound?” She said every word like a goof.

  “It was amazing, Gracie. Calon and I cried like idiots. We saw fingers and a perfect little profile.” My hand went right to my stomach as I spoke.

  “AND?” Her face was priceless. She was on the edge of her seat.

  “It’s a girl.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. Gracie screamed so loud I felt my entire belly jump. I rubbed my hands over my belly and laughed until my sides hurt.

  “Gracie, you just scared the shit out of her. I felt her jump. I’ve never felt her move until just now. You’re going to give her a heart attack. I have a baby in me now, you need to be quiet.” She giggled, ran around the desk and hugged me then dropped to her knees in front of me.

  “I’m so sorry I scared you. I promise to make it up to you as soon as you come out of your mommy’s belly. I’m going to spoil you so bad.” Gracie winked at me. I laughed at the fact that she was talking to my stomach, but it also made my heart full. Two of my most favorite people on the planet were head over heels in love with the little person who swam in my belly.

  “Becki, I still can’t believe you’re pregnant. I mean, it hits me every now and then, and it floors me. Floors me!” She sat back down with a thud.

  “Yeah, me, too. I don’t know how to do this, Gracie. I’m scared as hell to do this.” I bit into my sandwich to distract myself from the fear in my gut.

  “I’m sure that’s normal. You’re growing a human inside you. You’ve got to think about everything you do, breathe, eat, drink… everything. From now on, whatever you do, whatever decisions you make will affect that little one inside you.” She dipped her head and filled her mouth with steaming soup.

  “Oh, well, if that’s all, then shit, I got this. You’re a jerk, Gracie Jordan!” I growled and threw my napkin at her.

  She looked down and gasped so deep she choked herself. She picked her phone up out of her lap and put it in front of me while she hacked and coughed and cleared her throat, unable to explain. I looked down at the screen. She had clicked on a notification that came from her music news feed on Twitter, and the photo I stared at had the top trending hashtag: #whocalonknockedup

  It was from the OB waiting room earlier that day. It was a cropped photo from the second Violet patted her belly and tried to make us think her baby was Calon’s. Whoever the asshat photographer was caught Calon’s horrified look in the split second it took for him to react to her sick joke. The caption read, Calon Ridge. News of a baby he doesn’t want.

  “What the fuck? That bitch!”

  “Who did this?” Gracie cleared her throat and took a long swig of her water. “You know her?”

  “Some girl. Violet, I think she said. She basically told Calon she was pregnant with his baby in the OB waiting room.”

  “WHAT? Becki, that’s insane! You have to tweet something.”

  “No. If I’ve learned anything on this tour so far, it’s the more you entertain idiocy, the more is thrown at you. Right now, I can’t tolerate idiots. I have enough stress of my own.”

  I texted Danny.

  Me: Rumor mill. #whocalonknockedup

  Danny: Got it.

  “You’re just going to let it go? That’s not the
ass-kickin’ Becki I know.” Gracie flashed a devilish grin.

  “I just texted Danny. She will squash anything that comes her way. Unfortunately, the ass-kickin’ Becki had to retire. I have to remain professional. Besides, I’m too stressed out about stuff the doctor said. People can believe what they want, until it starts to affect the band in a negative way, I’m going to stay out of it.” I blew my nose and wished I could turn off the waterworks. The crying thing was getting on my nerves. Big time.

  “Is everything okay? What did the doctor say?” A look of worry crossed her face as she reached out and grabbed my hand.

  “The baby’s fine. At least the doctor didn’t tell us otherwise. But, she said because the appointments I’ll need to go to get closer and closer together as the pregnancy progresses, she thinks I should move back to Knoxville at the end of February or find a doctor in LA and have the baby there.”

  “You will NOT have her in LA!” Gracie slammed her hands down on her desk, which made such a loud crack the baby tried to jump out my throat.

  I grabbed my stomach and rubbed it with both hands. “You’ve GOT to stop doing that, Gracie.” Then I just laughed and laughed at the whole scenario.

  “I’m not having the baby in LA. I promise. But being away from Calon for the last three months, do you realize how hard that will be? That’s when I’m supposed to take the birthing classes, and he’ll be entertaining groupies across the country while I’m heavy-breathing on a mat in a birthing class alone.”

  “I could be your birthing coach. I mean… well, I don’t know if…” Gracie looked all around her desk and fiddled with pens and papers.

  “That would be amazing, Gracie. I would love that. You’re the only other person I’d trust to be there when someone makes me do dumb shit.”

  “You never told me your due date,”

  “May twenty-second.”

  “So, I’ll have to remember to add her as your ‘plus one’ on your invitation to our wedding.” She made a goofy face and squeezed her fists together as she tried to hold in another squeal she knew would startle the baby again.