Above the Noise

by Michelle Kemper Brownlow

  “I promise.” I breathed her in and slid my hand under the covers and to her belly. There was just as small pooch there and just as my hand settled there was a kick. It took my breath away. Our little girl was big enough that I could feel her presence on the outside of Becki’s body. I wanted so badly to wake Becki and tell her what I’d just felt, but she needed her sleep. I rubbed her belly and fell sound asleep.

  I awoke to small flutters under my right palm. Becki was propped up in bed with a baby names book, and I was still on my side with my hand on her belly. My eyes flashed open and up at her. She smiled.

  “She’s been trying to get your attention for an hour now.”

  I stretched and then scooted down toward the end of the bed and Becki turned on her side so my face was right at her belly. “Hello, my sweet baby.” She kicked and my heart skipped a beat. She could really hear me. Dr. Daily said she could, but I guess I was a bit skeptical.

  “Becki, she hears me. Do you think she knows I’m her dad?”

  “I’m sure she does. I play your music to her when you’re not here.”

  “You what?”

  “Now, don’t laugh, but while you’re at the studio, I sometimes tuck my ear buds inside the waistband of my sweats, and she listens to your original Fallen album.”

  “For real?” I don’t know why that made me so emotional, but it did. I slid back up to Becki’s face and kissed her softly on the lips. She moaned, rolled toward me, and pressed her tongue through my lips. Her book fell to the bed, and she took my face in her hands.

  “So, does it say in your book anywhere when we have to stop having sex?” I flipped her gently onto her back and hovered over her, brushing her golden-brown locks from her face.

  “We don’t have to stop unless it’s uncomfortable for me, but it’s not supposed to be. I assume we’ll have to get creative as far as positions go once my fat stomach is big enough to get in the way.” She looked up at me, and her eyes begged me to tell her she’d never look fat to me.

  “Becki, what you’re doing in here…” I pressed my hand to the side of her belly, “is beautiful. No matter what size or shape you get, I will still think you’re beautiful.”

  “Promise?”

  “Absolutely.” I leaned down and pressed my dick between her legs. All she had to do was talk, and I would get hard. Everything about Becki Mowry made me crazy, physically and emotionally crazy, and that’s how I knew I wanted to marry her.

  During our month off, Sundays had become literally our day of rest. Becki would read me chapter after chapter of What to Expect While You’re Expecting, we’d make plans for our future, and we’d make love then fall asleep. Last weekend we watched classic movies, The Breakfast Club, Grease, and Sixteen Candles, and ordered pizza and Chinese that we ate in bed.

  “Calon, I’m nervous for our appointment next week.”

  “What? Why?” I rolled over and pulled her with me so she was on top, and she laid her head on my chest.

  “I don’t know. I just got the feeling Dr. Daily was holding back something at our ultrasound appointment. Like there was something she chose not to say.”

  “Honey, I think you were reading way too much into it. She just has that intensely pensive personality. Besides, there’s nothing we can’t handle, right? We’ve got this. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

  She nodded and slid off me back onto her side. I put my hand on her belly and laid my head just above it.

  “Calon, you’re coming with me, right? You can schedule rehearsals around it, right?”

  “I’ll be there, Becks. I can’t wait to hear her heartbeat again. Could we please pick a name? I’m tired of using a pronoun as her name.”

  She laughed, which made my head bounce up and down. She propped the baby names book on top of my head and started reading them aloud.

  “Alanis, Avril, Axyl…” Her belly bounced my head again as she silently laughed.

  “We are not giving her a rock star name.” I shook my head.

  “I was just seeing if you were paying attention.”

  “How could I not? Between her kicking me in the side of the head and you bouncing me all over the place, I’d have to be in a drunken stupor to be able to zone out. Now, why don’t you pick out some names that are more reasonable?”

  “Reasonable. Hmm. Let’s see. You mean like Sue and Jill and Betty?”

  “No, I was thinking classic names, like Emily or Abigail.” I looked up at her, and she smiled.

  “We have plenty of time to pick a name. She’s not getting here for quite some time.”

  “Quite some time? Baby, we are more than half way there. She’s going to be here in no time.”

  “Shh. We have time.” Becki closed her eyes and rolled toward me, which put my face right between her growing breasts.

  “Becki, these…” I slid my hands under she shirt and took two handfuls. “These are making me insane. And, by the way, you wearing the low cut tops to the shows is quite distracting. You’ll need to invest in some turtlenecks.” I pushed her t-shirt up and unclasped the front closure of her bra, which freed the beautiful things right into my face.

  “That won’t ever happen, rock star. Me. In a turtleneck. Nope. My mama always taught me ‘if you got it, flaunt it’, and I ain’t puttin’ these babies away anytime soon.”

  I cupped one of her breasts with my hand and slid my tongue around her peaked nipple. She sucked in a breath and dropped the baby names book to the floor.

  “Oh, Calon.” Her voice was low and sultry, which made me harder than I already was.

  “So, wanna try something new?” I continued to lick and kiss her breasts.

  “Mmm. That’s turning me inside out. It’s making me crazy, Calon, your tongue.”

  “I love the way you taste, Becks.” My eyes fluttered when I took as much of her as I could get into my mouth and continued to roll her around my tongue.

  I repeated everything on her other breast then slid my body up hers until we were face to face. I took her head in my hands and kissed her so deeply her staggered breaths pulsed inside my mouth.

  “Calon.”

  “Yeah, baby?” I was out of breath and throbbing. She would be my undoing.

  “I need you to help me find something.” She pulled her head away from my hands and winked. That was my cue to just follow her lead. I had no idea what she was about to do, but there wasn’t a doubt in my mind it would be something new and I would love every second of whatever it was.

  Becki scooted to the edge of the bed and pushed me off, which left me no choice but to stand up and wait for her to give me a clue as to what she was looking for. There was no doubt I knew where this would lead. She wiggled out of her leggings, then knelt on the bed and met me eye-to-eye, naked from the waist down. I pulled her shirt and bra up over her head and aimlessly tossed it.

  “What do you need me—”

  “Shh.” She put her finger up to my lips and winked yet again.

  She kissed me gently with her round breasts pressed against my chest. My hands instinctively went to her waist. My thumbs dug into her hip bones, and my fingers pressed into the fleshy part of her hips. She pulled her head back and smirked then spun her body within my grasp. My hands were still on her hips, but now my thumbs were pressed into her hips and my fingers into her hipbones. I had an idea of what she was about to do, and if I didn’t pace myself, I’d be done in under ten seconds.

  “I don’t usually do this kind of thing with rock stars, but I couldn’t help myself, Calon. Seeing you on that stage just made me crazy. I think I lost my panties in your bed.” She tilted her head back onto my shoulder and used her hands to slide mine up to her breasts. She was role playing. Something we’d never done, but it was so hot, I could barely speak.

  “Well, Becki, I’ve never brought a fan back to my apartment either. But, when my eyes locked on yours, I knew I had to have you. Now, let’s see if we can find your panties, shall we?”

  My hands slid back down to her
hips as she tipped her body forward until her hands hit the bed.

  “I know they’re under here somewhere.” She reached under the covers, making sweeping motions with her hands and stretching away from me, which made her ass the highest part of her body. The sight of her at that moment took my breath away.

  “I think you need to reach a little further, baby. Just a little.” I let go with one hand and wrapped it around my cock. I positioned its tip at her opening and instantly had to distract myself when I saw a drop of her moisture hit my deep red sheets.

  “I found them!” She cried out and shoved her body back and directly onto my pulsing dick. She knew what she was doing. We’d never done it in this position, and it was quite possibly because it was so insanely hot I would’ve come instantly had we not worked up to it.

  “Fuck, Becks. You’re dripping.”

  “It’s all you, baby. You make me wet. Now, I want it hard and fast. God, please, Calon.”

  With both my hands holding her in place, I buried myself inside her and then went completely still. I could feel her squeezing me, an involuntary reaction to what I was doing to her. I pulled out, all but the tip, and drove right back in a little harder than the first time. There was no way I was going to fuck her as hard as I knew I could. Regardless of how many times she told me I couldn’t hurt the baby, I was just going to be a little gentler with her during these next couple months.

  “Oh, God, Calon. You’re so hard.”

  I couldn’t stand it anymore. She was on the edge, and so was I. I drove myself into her over and over.

  “Come with me, Becks. I’m gonna come inside you.” I hissed the words out from between clenched teeth.

  “I’m coming, Calon. I’m coming, CALON!”

  When my name came out of her mouth in a guttural scream, I lost it and emptied myself into her as she milked me for every last drop. I slowed my pace and jerked the last few sensations from my body then dropped forward with my hands on either side of hers. We fell to the bed, and I slid out of her as she rolled to face me.

  “Calon James, you are the hottest creature God ever created. I’m serious. There is no way other people have sex as hot as we do. There’s just no way.” She put her hand to her heart, as though it would help it beat slower.

  “Becki, your ass in the air…” I shuddered, and my eyes rolled back. “You have the power to unravel me, baby.”

  “You like my ass.”

  “Always have. But, I had no idea how much I liked it until you bent completely in half and all of you was right there. That’s probably the only part of your body I hadn’t seen yet, Becks. And the fact that you had no inhibitions out that, made it even hotter—if that’s possible.”

  “Well, Calon Ridge—you may just have a kinky side to you. We may need to invest a little time into all those dirty thoughts in your head.” She kissed me on the tip of my nose and raised one eyebrow.

  “I don’t have dirty thoughts.” She didn’t buy it. “Okay, let me clarify. I don’t have dirty thoughts about anyone but you, Becki Mowry.”

  We climbed up to the pillows, wrapped our arms around each other, and fell into a mid-morning, post-sex slumber. Yeah, Sundays were good days, and I’d give up all the rock star days left in me for the girl who stole my heart right out from under me.

  But I still hadn’t told her about Charlotte molesting me. I knew the longer I waited, the worse it would be.

  “WAIT, CAN YOU explain what a soft marker is?” I sat across from Dr. Daily in her mahogany paneled office, bouncing my knees. I looked at the clock on her wall and made a conscious decision to not get pissed unless Calon was more than ten minutes late. A mere week ago he told me I needn’t worry about him missing this appointment. I’d called him from the car when I pulled into the parking lot outside the doctors’ office wing of the hospital and got no answer, which was his first mistake. I believe somewhere it’s carved in stone that when your pregnant girlfriend calls, unless you’re dead, you answer the phone.

  “I was really hoping Calon would be here for this appointment.” Dr. Daily looked down at her watch and tapped her pencil on my file that lay open on her desk. Mistake number two would be making me sit here alone, nervous as hell, because he wasn’t watching the clock.

  “You and me both.” Tears burned behind my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. Never in my life had I been a crier, especially when I was pissed. But this damn pregnancy had my hormones so fucked up, I cried when I was pissed, when I was happy, and sometimes even when I was hungry, which was just stupid.

  “Do you think he forgot the appointment, Becki?” I knew she was probably worried about making her other patients wait if our appointment ran later than scheduled. We’d already been through the routine exam, but then she brought me to her office afterwards.

  “He knew. He called me around ten from the studio and said they just got a request for a conference call with a record label that saw them play in LA. He assured me the call would be over long before our appointment.” I cleared my throat, hoping to stave off the tears even longer.

  “Well, while we’re waiting, what did you both decide about where the baby will be born? Have you discussed it?” She adjusted her glasses further up her nose. She was naturally pretty, probably mid-forties and Greek, I think. Her hair was coal black and short, and her skin was flawless, not a wrinkle in sight. I wondered if she had kids. I wondered if she was as terrified as I was to have a baby. Probably not.

  “We decided to have her here in Knoxville. I’ll go back to LA with Calon and the band at the end of January. Then we’ll fly back together at the end of February for our next appointment, and I’ll stay until she’s born. Our assistant manager will take over for me when I’m unable to be on the West Coast with them.” I tried so hard to not think about being in Knoxville while Calon was out touring and being mobbed by gorgeous un-pregnant groupies. It was inevitable, but I still didn’t want to think about it until I had to.

  “That sounds good. I’m glad you’ll continue with my practice until the baby is born. Do you two have plans to get married?” That question threw me. Not only was it odd for a doctor to inquire about such a personal thing but Calon and I had never even said the word marriage in any of the conversations we’d had. I had no idea what he was thinking on that subject, and at that moment I felt like an idiot, because it was obvious I struggled to answer her question.

  “Um. Well, I suppose down the road we may, if our relationship remains as it is.” I smiled when I said it as though I wasn’t ready to choke him with his own balls for not meeting me there. I worried that maybe it was the beginning of the end. Calon had been nothing but sweet, gentle, honest, and present. Present for me through everything—so far. But what if all of this was freaking him out? What if being at the studio was an escape for him? An escape from me, from us.

  “Becki, the reason I asked you about the direction of your relationship goes back to what I started to say about the soft markers. When I did your ultrasound, I noticed an abnormal amount of skin at the back or your baby’s neck, and her femur measurements calculated out at a little shorter than we’d like to see at this stage in your pregnancy.” Dr. Daily paged through some loose papers in my file.

  “Dr. Daily, can you excuse me a minute? I’d really like Calon to be here for this. I need to call him.” I had no idea what any of what she just said meant, but I knew it wasn’t good, and I didn’t want to lose my shit alone. Dr. Daily nodded, so I stepped out into the hallway and around the corner, where there was a small waiting area with just two chairs. I dialed Calon’s phone number and once again got his voicemail.

  “Calon, I’m freaking out. Dr. Daily acts like she’s going to tell us that our baby is sick or in danger or something, and you’re not here. I can’t do this alone, Calon, I can’t. Please, please, call me and come to her office as soon as you get this.” I hung up and then texted him almost word for word what I’d just spoken. I pictured him on a conference call and not wanting to answer his cell
. However, he could read a text without the person on the other line knowing he’d been distracted. Then I texted Gracie.

  Me: Hey. Can you meet me at Parking Lot E at the hospital? Please?

  Gracie: Absolutely. You OK? When do you need me there?

  Me: I’m not ok - Calon didn’t show. 30 mins?

  Gracie: Got it. Will text you when I get there.

  Me: TY

  Gracie: You’re freaking me out.

  Me: Sorry. Scared.

  Gracie: Hang on. I’m coming.

  Me: K

  I walked back into Dr. Daily’s office, took my seat, and tucked my phone under my leg so I could feel it vibrate when Gracie got there.

  “Will Calon be joining us?” There was a sensitivity in her expression that made me apprehensive. I wished I was anywhere but in an OB office.

  “I guess not. I can’t seem to get a hold of him. I’m sorry for making you wait.” I glanced out the window and saw a couple walking through the parking lot holding hands. The man held one of those baby carrier car seats. He leaned down and kissed the woman then pulled her into his side. For the first time since all of this happened, I worried I might be going it alone. If I was totally honest, which I hadn’t been to anyone as of yet, I would have to admit that I was not a hundred percent into being pregnant and becoming a mom at twenty-one. I cried some nights while Calon slept, thinking of all of the plans I had that I could never accomplish now that I’d have a kid. I couldn’t travel to Brazil alone like I’d always dreamed. I wasn’t even sure how you could be the manager of a band and have a kid. Do they just go everywhere with you? Do you hire a nanny? Some days, I was less than thrilled to be in the situation I was in and half mad at God for all of it. And now, to top it all off, because of his absence, I was starting to doubt Calon’s commitment to us. I certainly wasn’t happy about the notion I could one day be a single mom. That’s when I lost it.