Above the Noise

by Michelle Kemper Brownlow

  A satisfied smile crossed her lips, and she lifted her nightshirt over her head. Her heavy breasts bounced a little when the shirt pulled them up with it. She slid her finger down between her legs and moved her hand in a circular motion. Her eyes rolled back, and she slapped her other hand down on my thigh. She sucked in air through her clenched teeth then bit her lip.

  “I want to come with you, Calon.” Her words came out breathy and staccato.

  “Oh. My. God.” My voice was hoarse. She took me in the hand that wasn’t between her legs, and then pressed me through her tightened lips. I could see every muscle in her tense and she moved her head up and down along my shaft with the same rhythm she rocked her hips into her own hand.

  “Becks. Oh, God, Becki, I’m gonna come. Fuck! Becki! Becki! I’m coming!” And with that I let go, and, apparently, she did too, because she called out at the same time I filled her mouth. The warm liquid dripped out from her parted lips and back down onto me as she thrust her fisted fingers down the length of me, milking me for all I had. She grunted and whimpered and came again, this time harder than the first. Her body slowed, and she leaned into me and grabbed the dishtowel from the counter to wipe her mouth.

  Our breathing slowed, and her head fell against me.

  “I love you,” she whispered it against my chest.

  “I love you, too.” I rubbed every part of her I could reach with my open hands. Her skin was so soft and goose bumps raised across it as I slid my hands to every corner of her body.

  WE EVENTUALLY MADE our phone calls and took our showers separately, simply because I wasn’t sure I could handle that intensity twice in the same hour, and headed out to meet Samantha for lunch at Brother’s. I walked a little cockier down College Avenue and secretly spoke to every guy we passed, Yeah, my fiancée’s hotter than your girlfriend. Dudes, you have no idea!

  We had lunch with Samantha, and then asked her if she wanted to come to our doctor’s appointment with us. Once we convinced her there would be no blood and she wouldn’t have to get a shot, she agreed. After she found out she’d get to see the baby, she was giddy with excitement.

  “Okay, Samantha, are you ready?” Dr. Daily was thrilled for us. We’d given her the Cliff’s Notes version of the reunion between me and Samantha. She was also thrilled that the three dimensional ultrasound had an extra spectator.

  “Ready.” Samantha smiled from ear to ear and gave Dr. Daily a thumbs up.

  The wand moved around Becki’s belly and the black and white fuzzy images came up on the screen. I saw Samantha’s face contort as she tried to make sense of the shapes she saw.

  “Don’t worry. That’s all Becki’s inside parts, she doesn’t have it pointed at the baby, yet. When she gets there, you’ll see her.” Samantha grabbed my hand and squeezed. A jolt of electricity shot up my arm, and my mind went back, once again, to that chubby little hand waving at me from the car window. I moved behind her and put my arms around her shoulders. She took both my hands in hers and bounced with excitement.

  “Now, do you know what a profile is, Samantha? This is the baby’s profile. See her forehead, her nose—‘’ Dr. Daily didn’t even get to finish her description.

  “I seeeeeee herrrrrr.” Samantha elongated each word she spoke, as though she was speaking in slow motion. She sucked in a deep breath.

  “Okay, everyone, hold onto your hats, this is where it will blow your mind.” A switch flipped, and the screen went black. When it came back on, it was like we were all peering through a window into Becki’s belly. Dr. Daily had turned the screen to a three-dimensional view.

  Abigail’s face was round and chubby. She had a sweet little button nose. Her hand came up to her face, and she snuggled into it.

  “Calon! Look at her. She’s perfect.” Becki sobbed “Shit! Why do I have to cry at everything?”

  Dr. Daily laughed, and Samantha scolded Becki for swearing in front of the baby.

  “I think she sees me.” Samantha was convinced, so none of us told her any different. When Abigail’s hand looked as though it was pressing against the window we peered through, Samantha squealed and hopped up and down. “She waved at me. Did you see her? She waved!”

  “Everything looks good. She’s growing nicely, and I don’t see anything that would make me think she’ll have any birth defects or health issues. Your baby girl is beautiful.

  “I also wanted to tell you about a support group here at the hospital for expectant and new parents of babies with Down syndrome. I’ll give you some literature on it when you leave. It will be something you’ll enjoy and get a lot out of, I think.” Dr. Daily continued moving the wand over Becki’s belly, so we were seeing all of Abigail’s expressions and even a big yawn. I was in love.

  “Oh, don’t you worry, I’ll tell her everything there is to know about being a kid with Down syndrome. We’re the coolest kids around, you know.” Samantha puffed up with pride.

  “Well, Aunt Samantha, it sounds like you’ll be ready for her when she gets here.” Dr. Daily wiped the gel from Becki’s belly and printed out some pictures for us to take with us.

  “Aunt? I’m going to be an aunt? I’m Aunt Samantha? I love this day! This is the best day, I tell you!” She turned and hugged me for all she was worth. I was almost as excited for Samantha to meet Abigail as I was for Becki and me to meet her.

  “Samantha, I couldn’t have picked a better aunt for Abigail. I’m so happy she’ll have you.” Becki reached out for Samantha’s hand and looked up at me and smiled.

  The change in Becki from the day we found out about Abigail’s diagnosis to that moment was remarkable. She was no longer fearful, and like any expectant mother she was already one hundred percent in love with our baby and unbelievably excited to meet her.

  Samantha came with us to the airport, still holding the ultrasound pictures. She and Becki walked me to the gate, and we started our good-byes.

  “Samantha, when I come home the next time, what do you say you and I go on a brother-sister date? We could go shopping or to a movie. Whatever you want.” I hugged her hard.

  “I would love to do that, brother.” She looked up at me and smiled, and then she hugged me just as tightly.

  “Now, you take good care of Becki while I’m gone, okay?” I poked her in the nose and kissed her cheek.

  “You got it.” Samantha gave me a thumbs up and then spotted a baby in a stroller just a couple feet from us. She went over and started telling the family everything that had happened at the ultrasound earlier. I was glad she had the pictures with her to share with them. They kept looking over at Becki and me and smiling.

  “Becki.” I pulled her into me and held her as close as I could get her. “There are no words for how much I’m going to miss you. Especially, after this morning.” I rolled my eyes and tilted my head back. “Just kidding. What happened this morning has nothing to do with why I will miss you so much. I’ve just really gotten used to being with you non-stop, and I like it a lot.”

  “Well, rock star, I’m not looking forward to all the good-byes we have ahead of us. After you sign with one of the labels, there’ll most likely be many more. But, I’m willing to raise Abigail as a true rock star’s kid and tote her along to as many shows as we can make.” She smiled, but I could see she was holding back her sadness.

  “I would love that. Becks, no matter what, you and Abigail come first—above everything.” I took her face in my hands and dipped down so we were eye-to-eye. “Do you understand?”

  “I do. Thank you, Calon. You don’t know how much that means. I want you to know, I will never make you choose between me and your career. When I marry you, I marry everything you are, and I know what that means.” She kissed me softly.

  “That’s right, we have a wedding to plan.” I could feel my eyes get as big as saucers.

  “One thing at a time, babe. Let’s hatch this baby and see what’s up with those labels, first. Then if you still love me and want to be with us…” She laughed. “Then we can pla
n a wedding. Besides, I’m pretty sure I could just borrow all Gracie’s What to do When You’re Engaged notes, and it’ll be a cinch.” Her eyes twinkled. She was going to be my wife. I was still in shock that I could be so lucky to have found her.

  “Can Gracie be both my Best Man and your Maid of Honor?” I chuckled, but if it weren’t for Gracie, it was possible Becki and my paths may never have crossed.

  “Well, considering she’ll be getting married first, she would then be my Matron of Honor.” Becki winced when she said Matron.

  “Yeah, she’s going to make you change her title. I don’t see her diggin’ that word as a reference to her status.”

  “You’re right.” She folded into me and nuzzled against me, like she wanted to crawl inside me.

  “Flight 327, now boarding for Los Angeles.”

  I felt Becki’s body tense. “Don’t go.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

  “Becks…”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to go, but I do. I want to allow you everything, but I’m going to fucking miss you.” She rubbed her face against my flannel.

  “I’m going to fucking miss you, too.” I squeezed her tight and smiled

  “Call me when you land, okay?” She looked up at me with puppy dog eyes.

  “I promise.”

  “Bye, brother. I’ll miss ya.” Samantha leaned into me, and I hugged both my girls.

  “I’ll miss you, too, sister. You two take care of each other, okay?” I took a couple steps toward the gate.

  They both nodded, and Becki put her hands on her belly then blew me a kiss. I literally had to force myself to turn and walk up the ramp. I couldn’t look back. I knew I should, but I was afraid if I did, I’d never get on that plane. I needed to work through the uncertainty in my gut before I made any rash decisions. Being a rock star seemed so inconsequential compared to everything else that was going on in my life at that very moment, but it had always been my biggest aspiration.

  As far as I was concerned, fatherhood would soon trump that life-long dream. I pulled out a pen and paper and scribbled down lyrics that came out of nowhere.

  Absolute

  My soul’s no longer my own

  It has two more occupants

  And I willingly surrender

  To a love that’s left me entranced.

  All my dreams on hold

  Isn’t that what life’s about?

  To give until it hurts

  To love your heart inside out.

  A prayer sent up

  And it waits its turn

  Hold ‘em tight, keep ‘em safe

  Until I return

  And should time run out

  This message isn’t moot

  Make sure they always know

  I love them, absolute.

  “I MISS YOU, too.” I rubbed my temples to thwart what felt like an oncoming migraine.

  “Let me know how Buzz is by tomorrow, if things aren’t any better I could be in Knoxville by mid-day. We have a week or so to look over all the details of each label’s contracts, and we don’t play again until Sunday night.” I could hear the exhaustion in Calon’s voice. He was tired. Tired of a lot of things, I was sure. But we were all worried about Buzz.

  “I don’t want you to do that, Calon. The more travelling you do, the more I worry something will happen to you.” I looked up at Gracie, and she smiled.

  “Nothing’s going to happen to me. I want to be there if his situation stays as grim as you say it is.” Calon never put himself first. That was sexy and worrisome all at the same time. I knew the back and forth flights were wearing him down. All the energy he spent worrying about me and the baby over the last three weeks had him on edge and losing sleep.

  “Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. Try to get some sleep.”

  “I just hate sleeping without you.” His voice made my toes curl.

  “I know. Me, too.” I tried my hardest not to sound sappy and whiny with the audience I currently had in the hospital waiting room. I had my elbows on my knees and my chin tucked into my chest, trying to keep our conversation private.

  “You know what would really help me sleep?” His voice went deep with a bit of sultry.

  “What’s that?” I smiled a flirty smile as if he could see it and lifted my head to see if anyone was looking. Most everyone was half asleep or on their phones.

  “If you could do that kitchen counter thing again.”

  “Hmm. You enjoyed that?” I glanced in Gracie’s direction. She flipped the pages of a People Magazine and rolled her eyes. She smiled at me and shook her head.

  “Enjoyed it? That was the hottest thing you’ve ever done. I slept the entire flight back to LA that day. I barely had enough energy to carry my bag. I could use that kind of sleep again.” I heard him sigh.

  “So, pretend I’m there.” I cupped my hand over my mouth when I said it. I knew Gracie would know exactly what I was suggesting.

  “It’s not the same. Trust me.” Calon chuckled. I squeezed my thighs together at the thought of him touching himself.

  “I miss you, Calon. Your bed is super big when you’re not in it.”

  “Our bed, Becks. You’re going to be my wife. You need to start saying ours.”

  “Mmkay.” I couldn’t wipe the goofy grin off my face. “Listen, I need to go. Gracie and I should go back and check on Buzz. And, you need sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “I love you, Becki Jane.”

  “I love you, Calon James.” As much as I wanted to keep talking, I knew how badly he needed sleep.

  Gracie and I tossed our cold, rancid hospital coffee in the trash as we left the waiting room. Jake had called Gracie around nine to tell her an ambulance had just taken Buzz to the hospital. She told him to call in another band for her ten o’clock show because she was headed to see Buzz. Luckily, there’d been a band bugging Buzz to give them a spot, and they jumped at the chance to cover for Gracie.

  She picked me up in Jake’s car on her way, and we’d been checking on Buzz and roaming the halls ever since. It was three in the morning, and Jake had just left Mitchell’s. Maverick was giving him a ride to the hospital.

  “So, did you hear anything from Jake about the new band?” I was anxious to see how Gracie’s last minute replacement worked out. They were a young band, new to the bar scene, but I’d heard great things about them. They had a fresh, unique sound.

  “His exact words were, ‘Friday nights are my favorite nights of the week because I get to watch you shine, but if I had to watch someone else, Decent Breath would be it.’”

  “Gag.” I pretended to put my finger down my throat, and we both cracked up.

  “Really? And ‘pretend I’m there’ didn’t make me want to barf? You and Calon are two of my best friends. I don’t need to picture you guys… you know.”

  We got to Buzz’s room just as one of the nurses jotted something in his file then hung it back on the end of his bed.

  “Hi, girls. I’m sorry, but there’s been no change.” The nurses had been so cool to us. We were the closest thing Buzz had to family, so they didn’t make us adhere to the visiting hours, and he had signed papers saying the doctors and nurses could share details of his health with us. Buzz had cancer.

  It was tough to see Buzz so helpless. He was a big man with a big personality, so seeing him hooked up to machines was surreal. No one knew he was sick until the night he collapsed in the kitchen. Since then, he’d been in and out of the hospital, and up until last night was pretty tight-lipped about what was going on.

  But now that we knew it was cancer, and he was opting out of the suggested chemo regimen, we planned to take shifts with Jake, Mav, and some other guys from the bar. There would be someone by his side around the clock. When he was awake, he was still making everyone laugh. We kept his TV on ESPN, so he could keep track of his March Madness bracket. His love of basketball seemed to breathe life back into him, even if it was just for the length of a game.

  Gracie tu
rned the volume down on a repeat of one of the day’s games, and we each curled up in our chairs with our white hospital blankets the nurses had provided.

  “I can’t believe all these years we never knew Buzz didn’t have anyone. No family.” I shook my head at the thought and let my eyes close a little longer than a blink.

  “I know, it’s really sad. We could have been checking in on him all these years, making sure he was taking his meds and stuff.” Gracie looked over at the once bigger-than-life man we all adored. He was pale, pasty white, and his eye sockets were dark and sunken.

  “Maybe that’s why he made sure we didn’t know. We would have driven him crazy.”

  “Damn straight, that’s why I didn’t tell no one. You all would have camped out on my front lawn.” Buzz’s deep voice made Gracie and I jump. We stood and walked over to the side of his bed. His eyes were still closed, and it didn’t look like he’d even moved.

  “Buzz?” Gracie’s voice was soft, and she laid her hand on his.

  “Yeah, Gracie?” His lips moved, but he still didn’t open his eyes.

  “Jake said Decent Breath was awesome. He was really pleased with their show tonight.” She rubbed his hand gently without touching the spot where the IV went in.

  “Well, they’re no Gracie Jordan, that’s for sure. You’ve got the voice of an angel, sweetheart. You’re my favorite performer we’ve ever had.” He peeked out of one eye and looked from Gracie to me. “But, don’t tell that hairball boyfriend of yours I said that. I’ll deny it.” He smiled as best he could and then went silent again.

  “Buzz, do you need anything?” I reached out and touched his arm.

  “A new lease on life would be good.”

  I didn’t know what to say. His head tipped to the side a little, and he stilled. Thankfully, the machine next to his bed continued to beep with each of his heartbeats, so I knew those weren’t his last words.

  We walked back to our tandem chairs and curled back up in our blankets. “God, Becki, I hate this. I don’t know why he just wouldn’t get the chemo.” Gracie started to cry.