“Gracie, you’ve seen what chemo does to people. Sure, it extends their life, but it’s Hell just living through the side effects. If the doctors know it won’t cure you, so they’re just slowing it down, there just doesn’t seem to be any quality of life left at that point, ya know?” I rarely put myself in other people’s positions, but at that moment, I did. I had to admit that’d be a tough call.
Something started beeping rapidly, and Buzz’s body jerked a couple times. I grabbed Gracie’s hand, and we both stood to go get someone. A whole team of nurses ran in and asked us to leave. My heart pounded so hard I could hear the blood pulsing in my ears. Gracie and I held onto each other for dear life and headed out into the hallway.
No sooner did we get out there, when the sharpest pain I’d ever felt hit me just above my pubic bone. I cried out and leaned back against the wall.
“Becki! What is it?” Gracie grabbed me by my biceps and stood right in front of me. “Becki, look at me.”
I had a hard time focusing on her face simply because my brain was spinning with thoughts of what a pain like that could mean. I took a couple deep breaths and slowly straightened up until my back was flush against the wall.
“I’m okay, Gracie. It was just a really sharp pain, but it’s gone.” I placed my hand on my belly and felt Abigail move. “She’s moving all over the place. Maybe she just kicked and hit a nerve. I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?” Gracie was as pale as a ghost.
“Gracie, let’s get you some water and somewhere to sit.” We took about three steps when another nurse ran by us and into Buzz’s room. I was scared. It probably sounded selfish, but if he was going to die anytime soon, I really would have preferred it be on someone else’s watch. I thought about Chloe and how haunting the images of her last moments must have been for Calon all these years. I couldn’t imagine.
As much as I didn’t want Calon to have to fly home, he needed to know something was up.
Me: Hey. Something just happened w Buzz. Will let you know when we know more.
Calon: Ok.
Me: You’re not ASLEEP?
Calon: LOL. I love you. I’m trying.
Me: I love you, too.
Gracie saw Jake step off the elevator down the hall. She ran to him, and I decided to take that seat I’d suggested we take just a few minutes prior. I put my hand on my belly again for a reassuring kick, and I didn’t have to wait more than a couple seconds for it.
“Becki, you okay?” Jake came over and sat next to me on the bench outside Buzz’s room.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just a weird pain. My books say that’s normal.” I wasn’t sure that was exactly the truth, but I thought it would take the attention off me when it was really Buzz who needed it.
A nurse walked out of Buzz’s room, and Jake stopped her.
“What’s going on? Can you tell us how he is?”
“He’s still here. We will send his doctor down to you as soon as he gets here. He can fill you in on his status.” She smiled and headed to the nurses’ station. One by one the rest of the nurses left, and the three of us ducked in.
Buzz didn’t look any different than he had before the nurses kicked us out, but the beeping had stopped which terrified me. I looked up at his screen, and there were still pointed blips jumping across it, so I assumed they’d just muted the sound.
“Hey, Buzz?” Jake walked over and put his hand on Buzz’s shoulder. “Buzz, the band was great. The lead singer is funny as hell and was just as entertaining as their music. They play twisted up versions of songs you forgot you knew. The Gilligan’s Island theme song, stuff from classic commercials. It was a blast. I penciled them in on the dates Gracie needs off and a couple open Saturdays, too. I hope that’s okay.” Jake’s voice was so calm and strong. It was probably good for Buzz to hear that, instead of Gracie’s and my shaky, sad voices each time we talked to him.
“You guys should get some rest. You’ve been here for hours.” Buzz’s doctor spoke when he walked in. He grabbed Buzz’s chart from the foot of his bed. “I’m Dr. Stevens.”
“I’m their respite.” Jake nodded. “They’re going home.”
“Well, not many of our patients get such amazing care from non-family members. I’m impressed with your stamina over the last couple times Mr. Stanley’s been admitted. He’s a lucky man to have all you devoted young people.”
“Buzz is a great guy.” Gracie’s voice was small and sad.
“Can you all come into the hall with me?” Dr. Stevens tipped his head toward the door.
We fell in behind him and stepped out into the hallway. My body started to tremble. It was obvious, at least to me, what Dr. Stevens wanted to tell us.
“Well, here’s what we’re looking at. Mr. Stanley’s cancer has gone so long without chemo that it’s now in his bones. Without any treatment, the calcium from his bones will leach into his blood stream, which will cause him to go unconscious, and then he will pass quickly.”
“How long?” Jake spoke, and Gracie held his hand and pressed her face into his shoulder.
“Well, that’s not something I can tell you. There are a lot of other factors that come into play that make that impossible to estimate. Each case is different.” Dr. Stevens looked down at his feet and then back up to us. “It’s good that you’re here. I’m not sure if he will regain consciousness, but, he still may be able to hear you, so just keep talking to him. He may acknowledge you, or he may just lie still, but don’t let that deter you from reliving old stories or talking to him about what’s going on in your lives now.”
None of us could speak. We just nodded.
“I’m going to do my rounds, and I’ll be back in a couple of hours. You two should get some sleep.” He pointed to Gracie and me, then walked down the hall and into the next room. I felt bad for Jake, though, he’d just ran a bar into the wee hours of the morning and he was supposed to be relieving us from our post.
“You two take my car and go home and rest.” Gracie still had tears still streaming down her face. Jake pulled us both in for a big, tight Jake-hug. I loved him for knowing I needed one of his hugs just as much as Gracie did.
Gracie and I got to Jake’s car and decided it was silly to drive all the way home. We grabbed a couple blankets from the back seat and laid our seats all the way back and fell asleep within seconds.
We woke to the sound of Gracie’s Pearl Jam ringtone. The sun was coming up and the sky was blue.
“Jake?” Gracie gasped and covered her mouth, tears fell down her cheeks. I quickly texted Calon to come as soon as possible. “We’re coming now.”
When she hung up, I took her hand. “Gracie?”
“Jake said Buzz’s breathing is labored, and it stops every now and then. Dr. Stevens just came in and told him he should call us to come in. Jake assumed that meant he won’t be here much longer.” She sobbed into her hands, and I pulled her into my shoulder. Tears streamed down my face as I thought of all the laughter we all shared with our sweet friend, Buzz.
“Come on, we should go up there.” I threw my blanket in the back.
“Becki. I don’t want to see him die. I’ll never get that out of my head.” A wave of guilt washed over her face.
“Gracie, you do what you need to do. If you can’t be in the room, that’s fine. Buzz wouldn’t be offended. He would hate it if you did something for him that caused you pain. No one is going to fault you for that.” I was nauseous. I didn’t want to be in that room when Buzz took his last breath either. I’d be happy to live my whole life without experiencing something that painful.
When we got up to Buzz’s room, Jake stood by his side with one hand on his arm. We stopped and stood in the doorway. The volume of the heart monitor had been turned back up so I knew he wasn’t gone.
“I’ll take good care of everything, Buzz.” Jake wiped his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. “I promise I will honor all your wishes.” Jake picked up some papers off the side table, folded them and stuffed them in his b
ack pocket. It was obvious Buzz wasn’t conscious.
“Jake?” Gracie walked in, and I followed.
Jake pulled Gracie in for a huge hug and waved me closer. He wrapped his arms around both of us, and we all sobbed. It was strange how easy it was to take someone else’s life for granted. Buzz was an always present entity. I couldn’t ever remember a time I was at Mitchell’s that he wasn’t there. It never even occurred to me that one day Mitchell’s would open its doors to the public, but Buzz wouldn’t be the one opening them. A huge wave of emotion came over me, and I slid out of Jake’s hug and into the chair I’d slept in multiple times.
The sound of a roaring crowd came from the TV and drowned out the steady beeping of Buzz’s heart monitor. Jake and Gracie looked up at the screen just as I did and saw the score as the sports casters relived the previous night’s game.
Penn State Nittany Lions 53
UT Vols 54
“He had money riding on that game.” Jake chuckled and shook his head. “He told me he just wanted to see them win one last time. He fell back to sleep just after they replayed the winning three-pointer.”
“He was awake?” Gracie and I spoke in stereo.
“Yeah, after you girls left, he woke up. Eyes open and everything. We had a long talk. He gave me this.” Jake pulled the folded papers from his pocket and took a deep breath. “He’s leaving the bar to us, Gracie. You and me. And the house Calon rents will belong to the two of you, Becki. It’s all right here. He made sure his lawyer knew his wishes. It’s just a matter of signing some papers. He was so lucid and even cracked a couple jokes.”
My phone rang. It was Calon.
“Hey. You should come home.” I didn’t even wait to hear his voice. “Buzz won’t be here much longer.”
“I’m already on my way. I flew out when I realized I’d never fall asleep. I just left the airport. Told the taxi driver if he can get me to the hospital in less than twenty minutes I’ll double his fare.”
“Tell him to be careful. I need you here in one piece. This is really hard.” My voice broke.
“Shh, Becks. I’m coming. Hang on.”
“K.” I took a deep breath to try to calm my nerves, but it didn’t seem to help. My heart raced.
Just then Buzz made a gurgling sound and gasped for air. I stood, but my knees gave out, and I landed back in the chair.
“Calon! Oh God, something… he’s… gasping.”
“Becks, put the phone up to his ear. Hurry.”
I scooted passed Gracie and Jake, who stood at the foot of the bed and held each other, tears streaming down their cheeks. I held the phone up to Buzz’s ear.
“He’s listening, Calon.” I could hear Calon’s voice, but I couldn’t make out his words. My legs shook, and my tears were audible as they hit the sheet that was pulled up under Buzz’s arms.
Buzz’s stopped gasping, and he looked so peaceful. For a moment, time froze as I memorized every wrinkle and every freckle on Buzz’s face, knowing our time with him was limited. I looked back at Jake and Gracie. We held each other’s gaze for what felt like a decade. I could almost see the memories that ran through their minds as we stood readying ourselves to say good-bye to an old friend.
When I no longer heard Calon’s voice, I put the phone to my ear, and my head was shot full of a piercing, shrill sound. I looked at my screen and saw CALL ENDED. I put it back up to my ear to try and figure out what that noise meant when I realized the sound was coming from Buzz’s heart monitor that stood right next to me. I turned, saw the flat green line, and knew he was gone.
I couldn’t move. My feet were stuck to the floor, and my body felt like lead. I sat back in the chair at the window and texted Calon, because I knew I couldn’t say the words out loud.
Me: He’s gone.
“BUZZ, IT’S CALON. Look, Jake texted me and told me about your conversation. I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done for me and the guys over the years.” I took a deep breath and tried to hold it together just a little longer. I didn’t need to make a speech, but I didn’t want Buzz to leave the planet not knowing how much I appreciated him.
“Buzz, the band wouldn’t be where we are if it hadn’t been for you. It seems like a lifetime ago that four ratty-haired teenagers walked into the upstairs café and told you they were the next big thing and wanted to be on your entertainment schedule for the bar. You may have doubted us, but you never let us know it. We are where we are because we had someone who believed in us when no one else did. And, for that, I thank you.”
“Excuse me, sir. This exit for hospital?” Annoyed at being interrupted, I glanced up at the road.
“It was the last exit. You missed it.” I felt frazzled. I didn’t need to be giving directions to my cabbie, I needed to be focusing on Buzz. He grumbled in another language, and I felt the car slow down. I was nearly bounced out of my seat as we drove over rocks and holes and into the grassy median. Illegal U-turn. Idiot.
“Look, Buzz. I know it’s hard to leave when you know how many people count on you to keep things running. But, you have to know, Jake and I got this. We won’t let you down. You can go home, now. Just breathe.”
The car surged and the wheels spun in the grass. Without a warning, the driver swerved, and my head hit the window with a loud crack. Horns blared passed us. I dropped my phone, grabbed the driver’s headrest, and forced my body against the pull that tried to bury me in my seat.
As if in slow motion, the grill of a truck filled my line of vision. The driver screamed and jerked the steering wheel again, and the deafening sound of the truck’s horn faded as it sped past us and under an overpass. The taxi came to an abrupt stop among the weeds not far from where we pulled onto the median.
“What the fuck?! Dude! You almost fucking killed us!”
“Truck was in spot I could not see when I try and pull out onto highway.” His broken English wasn’t helping me not want to ring his scrawny little neck. My heart pounded so hard I could see the letters on my OBX sweatshirt thump with an identical cadence to the whooshing of blood in my ears.
“Look! Just get me to the hospital!” I sat back and tried to catch my breath. “And make sure it’s clear before you pull out.”
“Tough spot. Around curve cars come, and I not see them.” He put his head down on his steering wheel and mumbled a prayer of sorts.
I ignored him and grabbed my phone and saw the text Becki had just sent.
Becki: He’s gone.
Me: Be there in fifteen. Driver of taxi number 5525 is an idiot. I love you.
The driver took the car out of park and slowly inched forward then stopped. I saw his head double checking either direction.
I thought about Buzz and how excited he was for Abigail’s arrival. He referred to himself as Uncle Buzz whenever the two of us were around him at the same time. I took a deep cleansing breath and looked down at my lock screen, a still from our three dimensional ultrasound. My Abigail.
The wheels spun, then the car jerked forward, and the centrifugal force of the maniacal U-turn pulled my body toward the center of the car, which gave me a close up of another truck coming right at us. I didn’t even have time to yell before the impact. A sharp pain pierced my leg and everything went black.
Silenced.
“CALON’S FIFTEEN MINUTES away.” I smiled at his comment about the taxi driver. Calon could be a bit overbearing when he was in a hurry and not in control of the vehicle he was riding in. I almost felt bad for his driver. I was sure my impatient fiancé was swearing like a trucker.
Me: I love you! Tell the idiot to hurry, but get here in one piece!
Gracie, Jake, and I sat in the hospital cafeteria and picked at food we probably shouldn’t have even ordered. I was still so nauseous from actually watching someone die. Gracie hadn’t stopped crying, and Jake was making phone calls to all the Mitchell’s staff telling them to close the bar for the day. He alerted the University, so they could do an email blast to all the students about Buzz’s pass
ing. I was glad Jake was here.
“So, we plan the funeral? Right? Since he didn’t have family?” Gracie sucked in an involuntary breath every other word. She reminded me of a little kid who’d cried too long for a toy in the store. Her bottom lip quivered each time she did it. God bless her heart. It was so big, and when it hurt, it hurt big. I always told her I didn’t think she was born with the wall the rest of us can put up to protect our hearts when we needed to. Not that any wall would keep us all from being sad that we’d lost Buzz, but something about her made me think Gracie hurt deeper than most.
“Yeah, I thought it would be cool to have the team of employees organize it.” Jake punched something into the notes on his phone. “Gracie, would you sing?”
“Jake, good Lord, you’re going to give her an aneurism. Let the girl catch her breath before you throw her into another emotional melt down.” I looked over at Gracie and winked. She smiled back.
“It’s okay. I would be honored to sing for him one last time. I have the perfect song. I sang it once for him when it was just him and me in the bar. He loved it. I’d like to sing it again for him. It’s called ‘Wings’ by Birdy.” She smiled and closed her eyes. I knew she was remembering that moment between she and Buzz.
Gracie started to sing quietly. Her voice flowed out of her so gently and, like Buzz would say, angelic. God, she was so talented. The words to “Wings” were beautiful. It wasn’t one of those songs that would seem cliché because every word was about letting someone go. I imagined being in the funeral home, surrounded by classmates and friends from the bar. In my mind Sam, Ashley, Stacy, Greg, Maverick, Chelsey, Rob, Jake, Gracie, Spider, Bones, Manny, Calon, and I would sit together and comfort one another. People would get up and tell funny stories about all we put Buzz through. Then Gracie would sing for him. Her voice, quite possibly capable of bringing someone back from the other side, pierced my heart. I closed my eyes and listened as she finished the last couple lines of the song.
Above the Noise Page 32
