Above the Noise

by Michelle Kemper Brownlow

  Walking into Calon’s room this time was easier than the last. Gracie and Jake lagged back a little. I couldn’t get to Calon fast enough. I took my spot on the window-side of his bed and thanked God he was still alive. His eyes were closed, and he just had a small piece of gauze over his stitches. He looked so peaceful. Dr. Shevaz peeked inside his chart, then smiled, and left the room. I forced my worries of amnesia to the back of my mind.

  “Calon. Calon, can you hear me?” I took hold of his hand and squeezed. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.” My smile faded when his hand remained limp in mine.

  “Becki, just keep talking to him. It’s probably just the anesthesia. He just needs to come out of it.” Gracie walked over to her side of Calon’s bed, tilted her head, and sucked in her bottom lip with a frown when she saw all the bruising on the side of his face, which had gotten darker and more colorful since before his surgery.

  “Calon? Wake up. Please, open your eyes.” I guess I expected him to wake up as soon as he heard me. When he didn’t, I started to panic. My heart pounded, and I broke out into a sweat. My stomach tightened again, like Abigail yanked the walls of my stomach toward her from the inside. I bent over a little and instinctively tried to breathe even breaths. I squeezed my eyes shut and put my head down on my hand that held Calon’s.

  “Becki!” Jake was at my side and holding onto me before Gracie had taken her eyes from Calon’s injuries. “Sit down. There’s a chair right behind you. Careful.” He helped me into the chair. Now he looked like he was going to pass out.

  “Jake, are you okay?” I laughed a little.

  “I’m fine. You’re just freaking me out with all the gasping and those damn Braxton Hicks contractions.” He shook his head and rolled his eyes, probably embarrassed that he knew more about pregnancy than most college seniors. He sat in the chair next to mine. “Sorry, I freaked. I’m exhausted.”

  “We all are.” Gracie spoke but was frozen at Calon’s bedside, seemingly not knowing what to do for Jake’s and my sorry asses.

  “Gracie, I need to catch my breath for a second. I just got super nauseous, and I really don’t want to stand up and puke all over the place. Can you talk to him for a minute?” I focused on anything but how sick I felt.

  “Hey, Calon, so… we were hoping you’d wake up. So, wake up.” Gracie looked at me and shrugged.

  “Good lord, girl. That was awkward. Could you at least sing to him? Something?” I put both hands on my belly and patted it when I felt Abigail move. I didn’t want to say out loud that I was nervous he wouldn’t wake up. But, I was.

  “Uh, sure. What, though? What song?”

  “Gracie! This isn’t American Idol. Just sing something. Preferably something that will make him wake up.” I smiled. I needed something to calm my nerves, and Gracie’s voice would do just that. So, maybe it was a selfish request, but I knew we’d all draw something peaceful from her voice.

  Gracie closed her eyes and instinctively started to pat her leg and keep time with her foot on the floor. Something I’d seen her do a million times. Calon, too. She cleared her throat and closed her eyes and sang “Accident” by Emily Wolfe in perfect Gracie style. Her voice was beautiful from the first syllable out of her mouth. She had the perfect voice of folk-style music, and the song wasn’t really about an accident. It was about accidental love. I glanced over at Jake, who just grinned.

  I looked around the room as Gracie sang the last couple verses and realized how beautifully blessed I was. The most important people in my life were always by my side no matter how far the distance or how dire the situation. We had a bond that I truly believed would never be broken. I didn’t trust the sincerity of most people, and I knew that stemmed from my dad leaving, but I trusted Calon, Gracie, and Jake with every fiber of my being. I never questioned their motives or their advice. In our friendship, I knew there were no secrets, and there would be no surprises or admissions of things held back. This was true family. My friends were the family I’d hand-picked for myself, the people who would never let me down.

  “Becki?” My mom’s voice pulled me from my sappy reflection. She looked over at Calon and covered her mouth with a gasp that hung in the air.

  “Mom, he’s okay.” I carefully got up, making sure I didn’t move too quickly and cause another cramp. “He has a concussion, is missing a spleen, and will need rehab for this leg. But, he’s alive. He’s still here.”

  Dammit! There was something about being in my mom’s presence that turned me back into a little girl. As soon as I saw her arms open toward me, I rushed to her and fell into her hug and wept. All the emotions of Buzz’s death, the accident, Calon’s surgery, the fact that he wasn’t awake yet, it all tumbled down on top of me, and I could no longer handle the weight.

  “Gracie, Jake, thank you for being here for my Becki. You two are great friends.” My mom blew them kisses but stood firm, rubbing my back as if I was ten years old again.

  “Thanks for coming, Mom.” I stood up to gather myself. She handed me a tissue and no sooner did I start to blow my nose, when a gush of liquid left my body. I was so embarrassed I’d peed all over the floor. But when I stepped back, another gush came, which left me in the middle of a large puddle of amniotic fluid.

  The baby.

  Just then Manny, Spider, Bones, and Danny walked in.

  “Um. I think I’m having a baby.” The words barely made it out of my mouth before a contraction started.

  The whirlwind that ensued within seconds was similar to something from an episode of every hospital show that ever aired. There were nurses, a wheelchair, Gracie and my mom answered questions, and there I sat in the middle of this surreal dream. We were just under ten weeks from Abigail’s due date, my water broke, and Calon was still unconscious from life-saving surgery. Another pain I was not ready for hit me low in my belly, and I called out for Calon. I knew he wouldn’t hear me, but his name was the first thing from my mouth. Manny, Spider, Bones and Danny stood frozen against the wall, taking it all in.

  “Becki, we are going to take you up to Labor and Delivery floor and get you and the baby hooked up to some monitors. We’ll see which way the baby is facing, and then we will work up a birth plan—that’s assuming you haven’t done the birthing classes yet.” The nurse was firm but kind, and I was relieved to feel like someone else was going to carry the responsibility of my pregnancy for a little while. I was exhausted and now worried about both Abigail and Calon. She was coming too soon, and he wasn’t waking up fast enough.

  “She’s almost ten weeks early. Will she be okay?” I didn’t want to ask because I was afraid of the answer. I had to stop being afraid, though.

  Jake, Gracie, and my mom followed the nurse who pushed my wheelchair onto the elevator. They all looked at her and silently begged her to say yes.

  “Well, there’s obviously no way for me to know that for sure. But, I can tell you that we have an award winning NICU, and babies born much earlier than yours have gone home with their parents after just a couple weeks.”

  “She’ll have to be here a couple weeks?” I truly had been taking this pregnancy day by day, so I could breathe and not be suffocated by all the ‘what ifs’ that started to fill my mind when I thought about her birth. It had never crossed my mind that she may not come home with us when I was released.

  “Most likely. She’ll need to be monitored around the clock, but as soon as she can eat, breathe and keep her body temperature at a normal level, you’ll be able to take her home.”

  “I haven’t even taken the birth classes. I have no fucking idea how to have a baby!” Panic set in. The baby was coming out of me today.

  “Becki Jane!” My mom scolded me for my language. I winced.

  “It’s okay. I’ve worked in Labor and Delivery for twelve years, I’ve heard a lot worse. Believe me.” The nurse rolled her eyes and chuckled.

  The elevator stopped, and we got off. Another pain hit me, and I cried out and buckled over, holding onto my stomach. I took a d
eep breath and then let it out slowly until the pain subsided.

  “Look at you! You just did your first Lamaze breathing, and I didn’t even tell you how to do it, yet.” The nurse patted my back and smiled.

  “Becki, you’re going to ace this. I just know it.” Gracie smiled a cheesy ‘everything’s gonna be alright’ smile, and I shook my head.

  “Gracie Jordan, there will soon be a human being climbing out of my vagina. I’m not worried about acing anything. I just wish I could make her climb out yours instead.”

  “Sorry, friend, that’s not happening.” She rubbed my back, and Jake looked like he was going to pass out again.

  “Jake, you okay?” I looked up at him as I climbed into the bed in the cozy birthing room. He nodded and gave me a thumbs up, but I knew he was freaked out.

  “This place is beautiful. It doesn’t even feel like a hospital in here.” My mom walked in a circle taking it all in. “This is nothing like the delivery room you were born in.”

  I knew my mom. She was trying to distract herself, so she wouldn’t panic. But when I let out another yell and groaned through what I’d come to know as contractions, she went into Super Mom mode. She was at one side of the bed, and Gracie was at the other. When the nurse pulled the stirrups out from the end of the bed, near where Jake stood, and said it was time to check me, I knew we’d seen the last of him.

  “I’m going to head to Calon’s room and fill everyone in on what’s going on. Gracie, you can text me what’s happening. I’m really sorry, Becki…” He came over and kissed my forehead. “But this just really isn’t something I think I can handle. I’m sorry.”

  “No worries, pussy—I mean, Jake.” He flashed me an evil look then laughed and quickly headed out the door.

  My mom smacked my arm and shook her head.

  When the nurse was finished checking me, she took off her glove and walked up to the head of the bed and gave me a look. I wasn’t sure what look that was, but it was definitely a look.

  “Becki? How long have you been having contractions?” She put a big elastic belt around my stomach and turned on a machine that filled the room with the baby’s heartbeat.

  “I’ve been having the Braxton Hicks ones since yesterday or the day before, but I assumed that was because of stress. A friend of ours died yesterday, and my fiancé was in a terrible accident not long after. He just got out of surgery. We were down stairs waiting for his anesthesia to wear off when my water broke.” I was rambling, but the way she questioned me made me nervous, like I was in trouble.

  “Well, it seems as though you have worked your way through most of your active labor. You are dilated seven centimeters and almost fully effaced. Your baby will most likely be joining you for dinner.”

  “Well, I’m not ready. Calon’s not awake. Can you give me something to keep her in? Medicine? A cork? Something?” I begged nervously just as another contraction hit, this the biggest one yet.

  “I usually have women begging me to get their babies out, not keep them in.” She looked at my mom and smiled. “Now, I do have one down side to a quick labor and delivery.”

  “Down side?” I held onto the hand rail on the bed and continued to brace myself and breathe as the big contraction waned.

  “You are too far along for us to offer you an epidural. We can give you a shot, some medicines will take the edge off, but nothing will numb you like the epidural would. But, the upside is, she apparently wants out of you, so that means a shorter labor for you. We also don’t need that birth plan I told you about. Most everything I would have asked you is moot now, considering you are just zipping through this process.” She tilted her head and winked. “Now, my name is Mary. If you need anything, hit your call button, and I’ll be here as quickly as I can.”

  “Wait! You’re leaving? What am I supposed to do? How will I know how to get her out?” My mom and Gracie laughed at the same time.

  “Becki, you’ll be in labor for a little longer before she’ll be ready to come out. At that time, we’ll bring Dr. Daily in. You’ve got time before you need to start pushing.” She winked again.

  “Okay.” Another wave of exhaustion hit me, and I let my head fall back on the pillow. I closed my eyes and wished for Calon. I never intended to do this without him. I was so thankful for Gracie and my mom.

  The next few hours were awful. Not only was Abigail shredding my insides as she prepared for her entrance into the world, but I had to answer forty-seven million questions. I swear every nurse on the floor came in with something to fill out or for me to sign. When the contractions got worse and much closer together, they shot me up with something, but all it did was make me dizzy, so I kept my eyes closed.

  Gracie and my mom told funny stories, they watched a little television, and all the while I was contracting and resting, contracting, and resting. I was exhausted, and I hadn’t even started pushing yet.

  Every time I’d hear the door to my room open, I knew they were here to check my progress. I’d roll to my back and spread my legs. I didn’t care if it was the fucking mailman, someone needed to tell me that baby was coming out, or I would leave. Just leave.

  Gracie and my mom took turns feeding me ice chips and rubbing my back, which seemed to take the brunt of the labor pains after a while. They told me I could get up and walk around if the dizziness wore off, but with the amount of intense pressure I was feeling between my legs, there was no way I was going to stand up. I was afraid she’d just fall out.

  “Gracie, have you heard from Jake?” I breathed through the end of another tough contraction.

  “He texted me just a couple minutes ago and said the nurses keep telling him some people just take longer to wake up because of how the anesthesia affects their body.”

  “Shit. Damn. Fucking hell!” I winced, knowing my mom was going to smack me.

  “Becki Jane! That baby of yours is going to come out swearing like a sailor if you don’t knock it off. She can hear you, you know?”

  “I know, Mom.”

  I heard the door squeak, and I turned my head. I wished for Calon. It was Mary, coming in to check me again. I rolled over and let my legs fall to the opposite sides.

  “Well, don’t look so happy to see me. Sheesh.” She pushed what felt like her entire arm up me and then pulled it out and smiled.

  “Darlin’, it’s time to push.” Mary smiled wide.

  “She’s coming?”

  “She is. I’ll call the doctor, and she’ll be here soon, but we’re going to do a little pushing without her. Are you ready?”

  “No! Calon! I can’t do this without him! I won’t!” A huge wave of panic came over me, and I started to hyperventilate.

  Mary got right in my face. “Becki, you listen to me. There’s no stopping her from coming. She’s ready to meet you. Now, this may not be how you pictured it, but you’re going to have to accept this as your reality. Your daughter needs you to push NOW.”

  I nodded. Wow, she was good. And I was terrified. I was terrified, because I had no idea what to expect. I was terrified that Calon wouldn’t wake up. It had been hours since we left his room. But, I smiled because I was about to meet my little angel. She’d soon be on the outside of my body.

  “Now, there’s the smile I was hoping to see.” Mary got everything ready and then gave me a quick lesson in breathing, pushing, counting and repeating.

  “I won’t really shit myself, right?” That was a disgusting thought.

  “Well, it’s fine if you do. We see—”

  “Oh, it is so not fine with me!” I wanted a cork again. Someone give me a cork.

  “You ready, girl?” Mary stood at the bottom of my bed and did with her fingers what we’d tried a couple times with the olive oil. It thankfully didn’t give me the same sensation as it did when Calon did it. I could only feel the pressure of her finger.

  “There’s another contraction coming.” Gracie had become the monitor translator. There was a long ticker tape that showed my contractions, and she wo
uld tell me when each one was about to hit. Like I didn’t fucking already know that. My stomach was being wrung out, I could feel each and every damn one, but I just let her do her thing.

  “Becki, when you feel this next one, I want you to take a deep breath, bear down, and push hard for ten counts then—”

  “I know! I know! Then a quick breath and push for ten more. Get ready!” I took a huge breath and bore down for all I was worth. My body started to shake at seven, and I wasn’t sure I’d get to ten.

  “Good! You’re really good at this. Now quick breath… and push for ten. Push, push, push, push…”

  An hour later, I doubted there was anything happening. I’d pushed and breathed and pushed again, but the contractions kept coming and nothing was shooting out of me. I was so ready to just get up and say we’d try again tomorrow after a long nap and maybe a conscious baby daddy. I rubbed the thin silver bangle on my wrist between my fingers and wished for Calon.

  “Becki, I can feel her hair. I need another big push with the next contraction.”

  The door squeaked open. I saw Dr. Daily’s dark hair and knew if she was here, Abigail would be here soon.

  “Another one, Becki.” Gracie alerted me, and I bore down for what felt like the thousandth time and counted to ten. I took a cleansing breath then ten more counts. I was so exhausted I couldn’t even hold my eyelids up on my own.

  “Becki.” It was Dr. Daily’s voice this time, not Mary’s. “You’re a natural at this! Just a couple more pushes until you meet your baby.”

  I shook my head, then let it fall to the side. I was spent. “I can’t. I’m just too tired. I’ve got nothing left.”

  “You’ve got me.” A raspy deep voice pulled me from my denial. I lifted my eyelids, and a pair of green eyes stared back at me from a wheelchair next to my bed.

  I gasped and sobbed and laughed all at the same time. So did my mom and Gracie.

  “Calon, you’re awake. You’re here!” I reached for him as best I could. I just wanted to touch him and know he was real.

  “I wouldn’t miss this for the world, Becks. We get to meet our baby girl today.”