Heavenly Desire

by J. L. Sheppard

  He wanted more than anything to scream, to shout, to curse, to run, to fly, to fight, but instead he bit his tongue, and he kept his feet firmly planted on the ground. He wanted her to trust him, to know he would always listen without judgment. Now, the feat seemed impossible. How he felt about her complicated everything, especially this.

  “The cops left, and when we got home, life continued as it always had. I went to school, cleaned, cooked, and he drank. Shortly after that, he lost his job. He never bothered finding another. It wasn’t until later, I found out how we managed to survive. My mom had a life insurance policy. He lost his temper a lot. After a while, I just learned to avoid him. It didn’t work all the time, but most of the time it did. When it didn’t and I got hurt, it was never as bad as that first day, and I knew I’d heal.”

  She took a deep breath then reluctantly continued. “When I was sixteen, I got a job and stayed away as much as possible. During my senior year of high school, he had moments when he called me, Ashlyn, my mom’s name. I took him to the doctor, and he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I took care of him as much as I could. He still drank, but he never hit me again because he often thought I was my mom. I graduated and went to college for two years, then I was accepted to Le Cordon Bleu. It had always been a dream of mine, and I wanted to get away from Boston and the home I had shared with both of them… Everything was a reminder of something too beautiful or something too devastating. I placed him in an assisted living facility before I left. I went back once to see him. Again, he thought I was her, told me he loved me and asked me why I had left him over and over again. He was inconsolable when I tried to leave. He cried and begged me not to go. They needed three nurses to restrain him. I haven’t been able to go back since. I’m a horrible person for not going, but it’s hard. He thinks I’m her.”

  He saw the pain in her eyes, in each tear. Beautiful, lovely Ashley thought she owed her abusive father.

  “You are the best person I know. He doesn’t deserve you, Ashley,” Clyde said softly, his chest throbbing for her. “He never did.”

  “No matter what, I don’t regret anything that happened,” she said. “If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else. I knew then that I could survive because I healed faster. I moved quicker, and I had better senses. Someone else, anyone else wouldn’t have survived.”

  I love you so much, he thought, but left the words unspoken. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her toward him, setting her on his lap then softly rubbed her back.

  “Promise me one thing, Clyde,” she whispered against his chest.

  “Anything.” He meant it. He’d give up anything and everything for her, whatever she wanted was hers.

  “Please, don’t look at me like that…ever again.” Her voice cracked.

  He pulled away from the embrace to look at her. Her eyes were puffy from crying, and her cheeks streaked with tears. Still she was beautiful.

  Then he asked, “Like what?”

  “Like you pity me. Like I’m damaged,” she said firmly.

  “That wasn’t the look I gave you. You are not damaged. You are simply a miracle on earth,” he said, then pressed her body against his and held her for a long time until her sobs quieted, and she drifted to sleep.

  He then carried her to bed and headed toward the rooftop of the Manhattan building hoping the fresh air would clear his head, and magically everything Ashley had told him would make sense.

  He had never been able to grasp how a parent could hurt his child, repeatedly. He had seen it many times over his existence. It always affected him, but knowing it had happened to Ashley over the course of seven years unhinged any semblance of control he’d ever possessed, burning a hole deep in his soul.

  He couldn’t fathom why it had happened to her, why had destiny placed that man in her path or how her guardian had allowed it to happen. Her guardian, Asher, had fallen recently, but the abuse Ashley endured had happened years ago meaning the fallen angel had witnessed the brutal attacks and hadn’t interfered although it had been his job to protect her, although it was ingrained in their kind to do so.

  The rage he had forced to simmer in her presence erupted inside him anew more powerful, more vengeful than the last. He ripped off his shirt in haste, let his wings sprout to life and flew.

  ****

  When Ashley woke, her eyes were swollen from crying. As with each morning, her first thought was Clyde.

  She’d confided her deepest, darkest secret—the unchangeable past. She witnessed and read his reactions and seen pity in his expression. He would never look at her the same. He wouldn’t desire her as he had before. Instead he would be repulsed, and he would leave her sooner rather than later.

  She got out of bed and ran into her bathroom to splash some water in her face then headed to the living room where he settled every morning.

  He wasn’t there. Dread crept inside her instantly.

  Somehow she sensed she wouldn’t find him, yet still she searched every nook and cranny in the large Manhattan building and discovered Clyde, as she had feared, was gone.

  Heading back into her room, she laid on the bed.

  She knew this would happen. She’d known no one could love her with her scars. The one thing she feared above all else, why she never told anyone the story.

  Tears overwhelmed her, then she began to sob.

  ****

  Clyde’s feet landed hard on the rooftop of the Manhattan building. Lost in his thoughts, a voice behind him startled him.

  “Where have you been?”

  He recognized the voice and turned, spotting Jenna feet away. “Flying,” he replied then glanced around the rooftop ensuring they were alone.

  She strode toward him seemingly calm, but he knew her well. After all they were best friends and had lived together for years before she’d met Lucas.

  “Don’t worry. No one else is here,” she said. “You’ve been flying for two days?”

  His brows drew together. He hadn’t realized he had been away that long. “Has it really been two days?”

  Jenna nodded. “I’ve been worried about you, Clyde. You know I hate it when you disappear.”

  “Since when do you care? Is Lucas out or something?” he snapped, then tensed, appalled by his own behavior. It seemed two days of flying had done little to soothe him. “I’m sorry,” he apologized, drawing closer. “That was uncalled for.”

  “I love you, Clyde. You’ve been more like a brother to me than a friend. I know you better than I know my own sisters.”

  She didn’t have to say it. He knew. Jenna like Jocelyn had grown up in foster care. A loner, she never had friends, not until they met at NYU.

  “I always worry about you even with Lucas around, and Ashley was worried, too, as were the others. It’s not like you to take off when you’re supposed to guard Ash.”

  “I know,” he admitted softly, glancing away from her. “It’s just…” He heaved a sigh then admitted, “I needed to get away.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  He shook his head, then took a deep breath.

  “I know.”

  His eyes shot up to meet hers. “You know?”

  Jenna nodded, then said, “Ashley told me because she was afraid you would do something you would later regret. She thinks you left because you couldn’t stand to look at her.”

  Was that what she thought? Or was Jenna dramatizing Ashley’s feelings? “She said that?”

  “Yes, she did.”

  Far from the truth. “D-did you tell anyone?”

  “It isn’t my past to share.” She paused. “Please tell me you didn’t do anything stupid, Clyde. I mean if you get kicked out of heaven, I’ll still love you but…”

  “I didn’t do anything stupid, and I didn’t leave because I couldn’t bear looking at her, either. That’s just ridiculous. I left because I was…angry.”

  “We all get angry. This isn’t the first time you’ve been angry.”

  He shook h
is head then ran his fingers through his hair. “Not like this.”

  “This isn’t anyone’s fault—”

  “The hell it isn’t!” he shouted, cutting her off. “It’s her father’s fault! It’s Asher’s fault! It’s the cops’ fault! It’s her neighbors’ fault! It’s her teachers’ fault! It’s everyone’s fault! Above all, it’s destiny’s fault!” His face flushed in anger that had coiled inside and around him for days.

  “Destiny’s fault?” Jenna prodded, flabbergasted.

  “Yes, destiny. Destiny put that evil man in her path, allowed her mother to die causing him to become a drunk and abuse Ashley. Destiny’s fault Asher was her guardian, and he fell and he never helped her,” he said. “It was destiny,” he repeated, his voice cracking. The anger he’d held finally faded, unleashing a surge of sadness, so much sadness he’d thought if he wasn’t immortal it’d kill him.

  Exhausted, he dropped to his knees. Tears welled in his eyes, blurring his vision. He let them fall, marring his face with the anguish he felt inside. Lifting his hand, he rubbed a tear away, then disbelievingly stared at the wetness in his hand.

  He was an angel. Angels were void of emotion and yet, there he was on his knees, crying.

  “In two thousand years, I’ve never cried,” he whispered. “This is what it feels like.”

  Jenna knelt in front of him, forcing him to look her in the eyes. She wrapped her arms around him, and he let his turmoil unleash the only way he could. He let the tears flow, then whispered, “Why her?”

  When no more tears came and he was drained, he pulled away from Jenna.

  She looked him square in the face, then asked, “Why does anything bad happen to anyone, Clyde? Why do good people die young? Why do some parents outlive their children? Why are children orphaned? The whys are endless.”

  He sat immobile, pondering all the questions she had asked, wondering why he had never asked himself the same questions.

  He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”

  “Then explain.”

  “I’ve never wanted to torture and kill anyone. I thought of a million ways to torture him to make his last moments as painful as possible. I’ve never felt that need, but I wanted to kill and torture him because of what he did to her. Worse, I would’ve enjoyed it, too,” he admitted.

  “You’ve never wanted to torture someone and you’ve never cried because you’ve never loved, truly fallen in love. You love her, Clyde.”

  He nodded. This is love, he thought. I love her. I’m in love with her, and I will never be able to let her go.

  Ashley had irrevocably torn a hole in his heart, and he would never forget her. No matter how many millenniums he spent in heaven’s dome trying to rid himself of every emotion she stirred, he would never succeed. He would never forget how he felt about her or forget her.

  “I know I’m biased because she is my sister, but Ashley, despite everything she’s endured throughout her life, has grown into a wonderful woman who loves and lives. What happened to her doesn’t determine who she is.”

  When he didn’t respond she continued, “You are an angel, and she is a miracle. She endured her past and it didn’t alter her. It didn’t make her a bad person.”

  “I know. I know how beautiful and wonderful she is. I know she is a miracle. I told her myself.”

  “She doesn’t live in her past, why would you?”

  “Those scars remind her every day,” he pointed out. “Even when she wants to forget, she can’t.” He paused, lost in thought. “You know what the worst part is? He has Alzheimer’s, and he thinks Ashley is her mom. The irony of believing the woman he loved, whose loss turned him into a violent drunk, is the daughter he violently and repeatedly abused.” He ran his hands through his hair.

  “That’s his burden for what he did to her.”

  “It’s more punishment to her. He doesn’t know any better.”

  “I’m sure he has moments of lucidity when he realizes it. Even so after he’s gone, he’ll be judged. He’ll know.”

  “It kills me. It fucking kills me that she feels at fault when she visits him because he begs her not to leave him, asks her where she’s been. And then she feels guilty for not visiting him more often as if she owes him anything. When she told me that I wanted to scream and curse the heavens and fate and everything. Honest to God, I still do.”

  “She is amazing, and this has destroyed her life enough. Don’t make her suffer anymore.”

  “What?” he said, darting a glare her way.

  “You left, Clyde. You left and didn’t leave a note or say anything to anyone. She thought you went back to heaven. She didn’t say it, but I know she thought she would never see you again. You know we have a connection, I felt everything she felt for the past two days: fear, sorrow, regret. Everything. For two days, she’s been in her room crying. She won’t eat either.”

  The truth in her words sliced through his already shattered heart. He’d hurt Ashley, the woman he loved.

  He shifted and glided through the Manhattan building, berating himself for his reckless behavior: leaving without telling anyone, losing track of time. He paused at the ninth floor, then shifted and entered her room. She lay on her side in bed facing the bathroom. Her eyes were closed, but wet tears streaked her face shredding his heart to pieces.

  It was his fault.

  He strode closer, then paused as captivated and enthralled with her beauty as he’d been the first day he’d seen her. He caressed her face with the palm of his hand, and her eyes shot open.

  “Clyde?” she asked, her voice soft.

  He nodded.

  She sat up in bed. “I…” She swallowed, wiping her face. “I…was worried about you.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you, Ash.” He sat on the edge of the bed. “I just lost track of time.”

  She nodded.

  “I would never leave without telling you. You know that, right? I know that’s what I did, but I had every intention of coming back. I just…lost track of time.”

  Tears welled in her eyes. As if he could feel her pain, his chest tightened. He gripped the back of her neck, pulled her toward him, feathering a light kiss on her forehead then he embraced her, pressing her body against his. Resting his chin on the top of her head, the warmth of her flooded him, soothing the ache inside him. He realized then how deeply and excruciatingly he’d missed her.

  “I didn’t hurt him,” he whispered.

  “I knew you wouldn’t.”

  A knock on the door startled them both. He quickly pulled away from the embrace.

  “Ash?” Jenna called.

  “Come in,” Ashley said.

  Jenna walked in with a tray of steaming food. “I thought you guys may be hungry,” she said. “I’ll leave this here, okay?”

  “Thanks, Jenna,” he said as Jenna turned to walk away. “Come on, let’s eat,” he told Ashley.

  She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

  “Your face is pale. You’ve lost weight. You have to eat, Ash.”

  Her eyes narrowed then she snapped, “I don’t need to do anything. Just because you feel bad, I should eat? I’m fine.”

  Her outburst startled him, and yet he couldn’t blame her for it. He was the one who’d hurt her. Guilt flooding him anew, he said, “You aren’t fine.”

  “I’m fine, Clyde. Why don’t you just leave? It’s what you do best, that and ignoring me.”

  He recoiled and released a breath but couldn’t force himself to speak. There was nothing he could say. He deserved her anger, and she deserved to express it.

  “So you can push me away, but I can’t push you away?” she continued.

  “I love you, Ashley,” he blurted without thought.

  He felt no regret. There would be no regrets. It was the truth. Worse than knowing she’d never be his was never telling her how deeply he loved her, more than his status, his breed, his existence.

  “I’m in love with you, and I’m terrified of
losing you…” His throat dried as he continued to stare into the deep depths of her eyes. They brightened, shining with unshed tears. His private torture.

  “When I’m gone, time won’t change. It will pass the way it always has. I’ve seen it happen. People always move on. You will find your mate. You will move on, then I’ll be nothing but a memory, but I will never forget you. I will always love you for you have drawn emotions in me no other has in two thousand years. I will live with the memory of you in my heart because nothing can erase you from within me. You have forever changed me. You’ve taught me what it’s like to truly love.”

  Her tears fell, but no sobs escaped her. They fell and fell, silently down her face. He watched, his heart tearing and shredding to pieces. The instinct inside him to console and protect her gnawed him, but he held on to his will. He couldn’t move for fear if he closed the distance between them his heart would overpower his will.

  “That will never happen, Clyde. You are my mate,” she said with finality.

  He shook his head wanting so desperately to believe her, wanting to believe he was hers.

  “You are my mate, Clyde,” she repeated more firmly. “I’ll never feel for anyone how I feel about you. I feel you within me. I miss you even when you’re with me, and no matter how much distance you put between us, I know how I feel will never fade.”

  “Ash, I’m an angel.”

  She was solemn in her resolve; her eyes bleak. “I know you are my mate, Clyde, especially after the last two days. I wish you weren’t, but you are.”

  His stomach knotted. She deserved better, and he supposed wanted it, too. He didn’t want to ask, but had to, “Why don’t you want me to be yours?” his voice dreary.

  “What will it mean for you?” she asked simply, her eyes drifting away from his. “What will happen if you chose me? Will you fall?”

  Beautiful, sincere, kind Ashley. Always thinking of others above herself.

  Then she whispered, “It doesn’t matter because no one would pick me and my scars over heaven.”

  Without thought, he acted. Forgetting his resolve to keep his distance, he closed the space between them and lifted her chin with the tip of his finger until her eyes settled on his. “I would,” he said decisively. “I would pick you over heaven any day, every day.”