Desired

by Bianca Giovanni

  “Why would it be a waste of time, Lo? Come on, angel, tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I left your ring on the nightstand by your phone charger. I won’t be needing it anymore,” is her reply.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I say with shock, sitting up and leaning over her. “What the hell is going on here, babe?”

  She’s acting calm and collected, but anger is just radiating off her. I don’t care if she starts screaming at me; I want to know what happened here.

  “Lola, please,” I say softly. “Open up to me. Why are you so mad?”

  “Because I thought we had something, but we don’t,” she replies frostily.

  “What do you mean?” I ask with surprise, nudging her hip so she’s flat on her back and she has to look at me.

  “I saw you, James,” she says, her voice tight with quiet rage. “I saw you kiss her. I know she’s kind of your main squeeze at these awards, and I know you and her have done a little extracurricular fucking outside of work. That’s fine. She gives you want you want; you should be with her.”

  Fuck! She’s talking about Tara. Lola hates Tara, and she knows something went down, but she doesn’t know that I told Tara to go fuck herself. I have no idea how I’m going to dig myself out of this one. If I explain it to her, she’ll think I’m bullshitting and making a feeble attempt to cover my ass.

  “She kissed me, and I told her to fuck off,” I reply, attempting to get the truth out there.

  “It really looked like you were telling her to fuck off when your tongue was down her throat!”

  “Lo, my tongue wasn’t down her throat. She kissed me, and I pushed her away. I told her I was with you and that there was never anything real between me and her. I told her that she never meant anything to me and that you were the only girl I wanted for the rest of my life.”

  Lola scoffs and shakes her head. “It’s fine, James. Do whatever you want. She’s into all that freaky shit like you are. You two can go have three-ways and anal and do all kinds of bondage stuff together.”

  “Why do you think I would want any of that?” I say, a little insulted that she’d even think that about me.

  “Maybe it’s a porn star thing.” She looks away, purposely avoiding my eyes. “You guys can all be with other people on set, and nobody gets their feelings hurt. But it hurts me, James. You’ve always preferred women with no boundaries, but I have boundaries—I can’t change that.”

  “I know, and I like that about you. I appreciate that you have boundaries.”

  She sniffles, and I can tell she’s struggling to hold back tears. I reach out and hold her hand.

  “I’m just scared,” she quietly confesses. “Traditionally, you sprint away from commitment like Usain fucking Bolt. I just can’t be sure that the past three months have had some giant impact on you and completely flipped the pattern.”

  The anger is subsiding, and even though she’s trying to hide it, there’s major vulnerability shining through.

  “This is what you do, James.” Her voice wavers, and she swallows roughly. “You seek out women who don’t want committed relationships because there’s some part of you that doesn’t believe you deserve love. I’m not sure I can fix that.”

  Truth time. I listen closely, absorbing every word.

  “That’s why I’ve been cautious about this whole thing. I’m giving you love, so much love I can hardly bear it. But I worry that you’ll sabotage it for yourself with bullshit like Tara. There is no one on earth who has the ability to hurt me the way that you can because I love you so much. If you can’t be faithful to me, it’ll crush me. If I’m not enough for you—”

  “No, baby.” I reach out to hold her hand. “Don’t think like that. Everything’s different with you. Everything’s better.”

  “How can that be true?” she asks, shaking her head like it’s impossible. “I heard that you and Tara have sort of a tradition at these awards. You get to indulge in whatever wild, freaky sex you want, and there’s no commitment necessary. You’ve become accustomed to porno sex, crazy stuff where girls do anything you say and they let you do anything to them. Tara can do that. I can’t. I wouldn’t feel right about myself if I did, even if I knew it would make you happy.”

  “But I don’t want that. I don’t want porno sex at all, Lo. Who cares what Tara would or wouldn’t do? I’m not with Tara. I’m with you, and I don’t want to be with anyone but you.”

  “But you kissed her.” Her throat is tight and her lip shakes.

  “I didn’t kiss her. I would never do that. Tara is a non-issue, baby. Other girls don’t even exist to me anymore.” My voice is firm, but not forceful.

  She covers her face with her hands, and she sniffles. Her level of emotion tells me this is about a lot more than Tara Morgan. There’s definitely a deeper issue with her right now, and I have to see if I can crack her open and get it out. I don’t want her to cry. I don’t want her to feel the way she’s feeling right now, and I want to make it right.

  “They’re everywhere, James,” she says in a tiny whimper. “Everywhere I look, there’s some girl who’s had you inside her, some girl who’s made you come. I can’t escape them.”

  Now we’re getting somewhere.

  “It wasn’t so bad before. I could watch it and not care so much because you didn’t mean the entire fucking world to me then. You were my best friend, but I didn’t love you the same way that I love you now. It’s so much harder because I only want you to be with me, but I know you’ve been with all of them. To have to watch it…to have to see all the pleasure you got from other women on those shoots…I can’t handle it.”

  I pull her hands away from her face and wipe her tears away. I know this is hard for her to say, but I’m glad she’s getting it all out there. She’s fuckin’ profoundly upset, and I want everything on the table so I can start sorting it out. Now she knows I didn’t hook up with Tara, she knows I wouldn’t hook up with Tara, but she’s still really shaken up.

  “Don’t cry, Lo,” I whisper to her. “I love you so much, baby, and I don’t want you to think for two seconds that I’d ever want anybody else.”

  “But I can’t be like them.” A few more tears slide down her cheeks, but she quickly wipes them away. “I wish I could deal with all this, but I can’t. I wish I could support you and be proud of you like everybody else is, but this is just too much for me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say softly as I pull her into my arms. “This is a lot to take in, and I know you were really thrown in the middle of it. It overwhelmed you, and I’m so sorry for that.”

  “I just feel so…inadequate.” She curls into a ball on my lap, and I squeeze her tighter.

  “Never feel that way.” I kiss her head. “You’re my treasure. You’re the most valuable thing in the world to me, and what I feel for you is fuckin’ priceless.”

  She looks up at me, and I cup her cheek in my palm. I’m staring in her eyes because I hope this will help her see my sincerity.

  “My whole universe revolves around you, Lo—and I’m totally fuckin’ into it. I need you to understand that. I need you to believe it and know it’s true.”

  “But when I look at the red carpet, and the awards, and all the fans fawning over you, all I can think about is what you’re giving up for me.”

  “What I’m giving up for you?” I say, not able to stop an amused smile from crossing my lips. “Jesus, Lo, I’m winning the fuckin’ lottery with you! Believe me, baby, I’m getting way more out of the deal than you are. I’m getting my dream girl. I’m getting everything I could ever want—the love of my life. You’re getting a dude who’s gonna bear the scarlet fuckin’ letter of porn for the rest of his life.”

  She cracks a smile, and it lights up my whole world. I want nothing more than for her to be happy.

  “Seriously, let’s break this down,” I continue. “I’m getting beauty, brains, humor, crazy-ridiculous-insane hotness, and that smart mouth that I love. You’re getting a guy who dropped out of col
lege, who has no valuable skills, whose only claim to fame is having a big dick, and who’s going to be shunned by mainstream society the second I leave the Valley.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “It’s way true!” I say with exaggerated certainty. “If anyone’s getting fucked over here, it’s you.”

  Her lips curve up and she laughs, which makes me feel a lot better.

  “You’re settling, Lo,” I joke. “You’re lowering the bar for yourself. You could be with, like, some genius who’s curing cancer or something. You could have a fuckin’ prince—like, actual royalty. You could do a lot better than me. I have no doubt about that.”

  She smiles, and I lean over her and kiss her.

  “In fact,” I say with a sly grin, “I think the only thing I can offer you that some other guy couldn’t is this.” I shift her a little bit so she can feel exactly what I’m talking about.

  “Well, I don’t know,” she teases. “There were a lot of guys at the award show with big dicks and mad, crazy porno skills.”

  “See? So I literally have nothing unique to offer you,” I reply, grateful we’ve moved to a lighter tone.

  “You have this to offer me.” She smiles and puts her hand over my heart. “That’s something I couldn’t get from anybody else.”

  “And you have it, Lo, all of it,” I say. “My whole heart is yours.”

  She sniffles, but she’s smiling. She’s quiet, kind of reflective and peaceful. I think maybe she’s letting it sink in.

  I give her a big smile and then softly kiss her. “I love you, baby,” I whisper against her lips. “The greatest day of my whole life was the day my family moved in next door to you. I’ve loved you since the second I first saw you, and I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.”

  She puts her arms around me and sighs. “I love you too,” she says after a beat.

  “Good,” I reply, scooting both of us down in the bed.

  From the way that she’s wrapped around me, I can tell that she needs to be held. She needs comfort and reassurance, and I’m more than happy to provide that for her. A short while later, she’s fallen asleep in my arms.

  I want this forever, this moment right here. I want this kind of intimacy every day for the rest of my life. This might be even better than sex itself—okay, maybe I shouldn’t go that far, but it’s pretty fuckin’ great. I’ve always liked holding Lola in my arms like this, even when we were kids. I think it’s because I’ve always been in love with her and she’s always occupied my heart, but I wasn’t able to love her properly until recently.

  I vow to myself that I’ll strive to have this every night with her. I’ll do everything I can to hold her and make her feel good, and I’ll share everything with her moving forward, even shit like Tara Morgan kissing me.

  I rest the side of my chin on her forehead and my eyelids feel heavy as I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

  Chapter 12

  Lola

  JAMES IS STILL ASLEEP when I open my eyes. Even though I felt comforted and secure in his arms last night, my sleep wasn’t exactly restful. This weekend has been like an emotional roller coaster with high highs and very low lows. I’ll feel too-cool-for-school one minute, then completely insecure the next. The bombardment of sex, fame, and excess has left me feeling exhausted. I just need some time to process everything that’s happened.

  I quietly slip out of bed and into the bathroom. I wash my face and look at myself in the mirror as I brush my teeth. Can I handle this? Can I go with the flow, or is the porn thing just too much for me to overcome?

  Baggage isn’t the right word, but I knew that a relationship with James would come with more than a few obstacles. I don’t question his love, but rather my ability to deal with all the outside factors that shake up our little bubble. I want this to last forever, but how the hell am I going to rewire my brain to stop panicking when I think about his porn superstardom?

  He starts to wake up when I go back into the bedroom.

  “Everything okay?” he asks sleepily.

  “Yeah.”

  “Come back to bed.”

  “Actually, I think I’m going to go down to the pool and just chill out for a while.”

  “’Kay. Give me a sec and I’ll get up—”

  “It’s okay,” I say, standing by the bed. “I’m just going to decompress a little bit. You can go back to sleep. I’ll be back in a few.”

  “You sure you don’t want me to come with you?” Translation: are you mad at me?

  “It’s cool. Seriously, I won’t be long.” Translation: I’m trying to avoid an internal freak-out, but it’s all good.

  He looks at me for a second like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t push for more.

  “Go back to sleep and then we can get breakfast or something when I get back,” I say, kissing his cheek and going for my suitcase.

  Thankfully, I packed a bikini just in case we had time to lounge by the pool. I change and soon I’m in the elevator.

  The pool area is relatively empty, not surprising when you consider that most of the guests at the hotel were partying all night and probably just crawled into bed. I get a lounge chair and take out my Kindle, but I’m not really reading the words on the page. I’m thinking, internally debating.

  As I scan the immediate area, I recognize Emily Drake, one of many women who talked to James at the various after-parties last night. She’s sipping a smoothie and talking to a few of her friends, also industry girls. A few tables away, Miami Jones—whose scene was up for Best Interracial Scene—is typing something out on his phone while a couple of his buddies eat breakfast. Everything’s so…normal. Last night, we were all at a party where a girl was getting double-teamed on a couch, and today everyone’s just going on about their lives. How can people change gears so easily like that?

  When I turn my head, I see yet another porn star—but this one is my friend. Alejandro approaches in shorts and a wifebeater, giving me a big wave.

  “Is this seat taken?” he asks, pointing to the chair next to me.

  “No. Feel free,” I reply, smiling.

  He gets comfortable and puts on his sunglasses. “It’s nice out this morning.”

  “Sure is.” I give him a knowing smirk.

  “I just thought it would be nice to get some air by the pool. I guess great minds think alike.”

  “Uh-huh,” I say skeptically.

  “What?” His smile is playfully guilty.

  “I’m guessing you talked to James.”

  “A guy can’t enjoy some time by the pool without having ulterior motives?”

  “Come on!” I laugh as I roll my eyes.

  “Okay, fine,” he confesses. “He called us a few minutes ago and said he thought you were bummed out.”

  “That sounds like him.”

  “Chad wanted to come down and talk to you, but I insisted.” He flashes me a grin. “So today I get to be the therapist. What’s going on?”

  I sigh and try to think about how to answer. “I watched my fiancé accept a trophy for pile-driving a redhead; I saw a girl getting gang banged on a couch; I got offered a threesome; and Tara kissed James. Basically, I’m not sure I can roll with the porno crowd.”

  He snickers at my summary of this weekend’s events.

  “Seriously, man, last night was some Wolf of Wall Street shit. It was wall-to-wall debauchery. I’m way out of my element.”

  “No you’re not.” He waves his hand like I’m being crazy.

  “I mean it. I don’t know if I can do this. The porn world is just not my scene.”

  “This isn’t anyone’s scene, baby girl,” he says. “This isn’t the real world. It’s a giant party for everyone in the industry to congratulate each other, but it’s not reality. Reality is the four of us in the kitchen, talking shit while James makes some gourmet dinner. Reality is you going to yoga with Stacey. Reality is you and James curled up on the couch, binge watching Arrested Development and reciting every li
ne. All those things involve porn stars, and all those things are part of your day-to-day life. That’s reality, baby girl.”

  I pause, thinking it over. He certainly does have a point. My world is filled with porn stars, but everything seems so normal at home.

  “This weekend is about excess and insanity. Chad and I both knew you might end up feeling a little freaked out by it, but we didn’t want to say anything because we didn’t want to put that vibe out there right from the gate.”

  “Do you think James knew?”

  “I think part of him knew, but he’s such an optimistic guy—sometimes to a fault—that I’m guessing he didn’t even want to consider it. Right now, I think the number one thing on his mind is how much he loves you. Everything else falls far behind that. Sure, he probably should have put a little more thought into how things were going to go down this weekend, but I think he was just so psyched about showing you his world, and showing you off to everyone here, that he didn’t really prepare you for the more extreme parts.”

  “There were definitely some very extreme parts.” I sigh and shake my head.

  “I know.” He pats my back. “Most of us just come to let loose and have a little fun. Everyone in porn likes sex, but there are definitely people who party harder than others.”

  “And I get that. I like sex too, but this has just been so in-your-face.”

  “I’m sure it’s been a big adjustment. The thing you have to remember is that this isn’t the norm for James either. Think about it, baby girl. James spent ninety percent of his time hanging out with you, and then the other ten percent doing crazy stuff in his movies. As much as this is a huge contrast for you, he’s probably feeling the same way. He’s gotta see it with new eyes now. He’s looking at his whole career from the perspective of a guy who’s in love and who’s ready to move on from all this.”

  “I know he loves me, but I’m still a little unsure about an entire future that includes this.” I spread my arms out, briefly glancing over the various porn stars in the vicinity. “I never thought I’d be so bothered by it, but this weekend really bothered me—especially Tara.”