The Invader Candidate: From the Adventures of Khraa-Veh, Alien Explorer

by Don Cook

  “Yeah!” Donny mused. “It’s been, like…oh, uhh… about… eight months since you guys met?”

  “Okay, okay!” Mike said defensively. “I get it! Give me until the Fourth of July, okay?” He turned to Khraa/Astra and said, “Sorry, Astra, if the pressure seems —”

  “It’s okay, Mike” Khraa/Astra chuckled, as Glenn tossed the Frisbee to her. “But let’s not keep these poor kids in suspense, shall we?”

  “Thanks!” Donny said, as Khraa/Astra tossed her Frisbee to Mike.

  “We’d better get back to the RV” Mike said, as he caught the Frisbee, then tossed it to Donny. “I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m starved!”

  “Me, too!” Donny said.

  “Me, three!” Val said.

  “Me, four!” said Glenn.

  “And I make it unanimous!” Khraa/Astra said, and then caught her Frisbee. “Shall we go chow down, guys?”

  “Let’s!” Mike, Glenn, Val and Donny said eagerly, all at once.

  “You’re quite the cook, Astra!” Mike said, as he, Khraa/Astra and his kids finished their enjoyable, eclectic dinner around 6:45 PM outside under the awning of Khraa/Astra’s RV. “That meal was awesome and different!”

  “Yeah!” Donny said. “I wish we could eat this good every night!”

  “That’s eat this well every night, little bro” Val said, with big-sister/maternal compassion/snootiness.

  “I love this food!” Glenn said.

  “And it was so easy and quick to make!” Val said. “And you made it from just ordinary stuff! Where did you learn to do that?”

  “When I was in college,” Khraa/Astra said, “I learned to make lots of different kinds of dishes. Some of my roomies gave me their recipes, I gave them some of mine, our landlady gave us some of hers. And sometimes, we all put our heads together and came up with some of our own. College life can do that to you.”

  “I hear you!” Mike said, with a chuckle. “I came up with some pretty amazing ways to make mac-and-cheese during my days at Quantico. Those were really fun days.”

  “Back when you met...” Val said, before she realized her faux pas.

  Mike, who involuntarily recalled his days when he met his late first wife who became the mother of his equally late offspring, saw the remorse in Val’s eyes.

  She said, “I — I’m sorry, Daddy.”

  “It’s okay, baby” Mike said, to reassure his living daughter. “It’s okay.”

  A brief somber silence fell on the five.

  Khraa/Astra, wanting to lift everyone’s spirits back up, said to everyone, “Guys, you know those Get Smart DVDs I gave your Dad for Christmas?”

  “Yeah!” Donny said, his spirits the first to be lifted. “Can we watch them?”

  “Can we, Daddy?” Val said. “They’re sooo wacko! I can’t get enough of them!”

  “But what about the Gilligan’s Island DVDs?” Glenn said.

  “We didn’t bring them” Mike said.

  “Why not?” Glenn asked, mildly angry.

  “Because you’ve seen them over and over again enough times. Think of Get Smart, Glenn, as Gilligan’s Island for smart people.” Glenn was taken aback as his father continued, “And Get Smart did win a few Emmys, son. Gilligan’s Island didn’t win any.”

  “So, what?!” Glenn said. “Who said Get Smart is better than Gilligan?”

  Nobody likes a party-pooper, Glenn, Khraa/Astra telepathically suggested into Glenn’s mind, as she looked him squarely in the eye. So why not get smart, and enjoy Get Smart?

  Glenn was again taken aback, but acquiesced, and said, “Guys, let’s watch some Get Smart.”

  “Why the sudden change of heart?” Val asked Glenn.

  “I got smart about Get Smart” Glenn quipped. “What about you and Astra, Dad?”

  “Astra and I have some important stuff to talk about, son” Mike said.

  Val got excited that maybe her father was going to pop the question to his girlfriend, whom she wanted very badly to be new mom, as did Glenn and Donny.

  “You mean…” Val said excitedly. “You’re going to pop the —?”

  Get smart, and enjoy Get Smart, Khraa/Astra telepathically suggested into Glenn, Val and Donny’s minds.

  “Well, whatever it is, Astra,” Val said, before she quipped, “bring Daddy back here safe and sound. He’s the only Dad we’ve got.”

  Everyone laughed, as Mike said, “Don’t you worry about us, sweetie. We’ll be fine.”

  “We’ll be back before 11, kids” Khraa/Astra said, “but don’t wait up. Put everything away so that neither beast nor burglar can take anything — and lock the RV after you get inside.”

  “Got it!” Glenn said. “C’mon, sis, little bro, let’s do what they just said.”

  Glenn, Val and Donny got everything put away safely and then entered and locked the RV — when Mike realized he forgot his keys! He ran to the RV door to get them, but found the kids did what he and Khraa/Astra had asked by locking it!

  “Guys!” Mike said, pounding on the RV door. “I need my keys!”

  The RV side door opened. Val handed Mike his keys as she said with a smarmy attitude, “Are these what you’re hollering for, Daddy?”

  Mike laughed nervously and calmed down as he took his keys and said, “Thanks.”

  Val closed and relocked the RV door, as a concerned pudgy, balding male camper whose trailer was parked nearby walked up to Mike and Khraa/Astra and asked in angry anxiety, “Hey! What’s going on here?”

  “It’s okay, sir,” Mike said nervously, “I just forgot my keys.”

  It really is alright, sir, Khraa mentally suggested to the neighboring camper, bewildering yet also reassuring him. Nothing to worry about at all.

  “Sorry to bug you, mister” the reassured camper said. “I just thought —”

  “It’s alright” Mike said. “Anyone can make an honest mistake, and from the way it must have looked, it was all-too easy to make. My girlfriend and I are going to take a walk along one of the trails.”

  “She’s your girlfriend?!” the camper said, befuddled by Mike and Khraa/Astra’s apparent age difference. “Well, who am I to argue? If you haven’t asked her to marry you… What’s your name?”

  “Mike.”

  “Well, Mike, you’d better ask her soon if you haven’t already.” All three laughed, before the camper waved and said warmly, “Well, all the best. See you around!”

  “Thanks” Mike said, as the happier camper walked back to his trailer, satisfied that all was well.

  “All the best!” Khraa/Astra said, as she and Mike walked toward one of the park’s hiking trails.

  Meanwhile, as the two strolled away, Glenn, Val and Donny looked out through the one of the RV’s windows with extreme feline-level curiosity.

  “I think Dad’s gonna pop the question!” Val said excitedly.

  “You heard them, sis” Glenn said. “Let’s watch some Get Smart, shall we?”

  Glenn, Val and Donny sat themselves down before Khraa/Astra’s portable DVD player and began watching some DVDs of the hilarious 1960s spy-spoof TV show.

  Glenn was puzzled by Khraa/Astra’s ability to get him and his siblings to do her bidding and asked quietly aloud as one of the episodes started, “How does Astra Downey always convince us she’s right?”

  “Shhh!” Val and Donny said to Glenn, vertically holding their index fingers to their lips, making him shut up as they watched Get Smart.

  “I’m glad you’re with me, Astra” Mike cooed to Khraa/Astra, as the pair romantically held hands and strolled along a hiking trail during the sunset hours, as if their loving walk was straight out of a romantic movie.

  “I’m glad you’re with me too, Mike” Khraa/Astra cooed back. “And I’m glad that you’re retiring from the Bureau soon. Does it make you feel better?”

  “It sure does.”

  They strolled a bit before Mike said, “I hope you understand, Astra, that if we do get married, our age difference can cause its
own difficulties.”

  “Baby,” Khraa/Astra said, “I don’t care. Really, I don’t. I won’t be the first woman who loved an awesome guy old enough to be her dad — and I won’t be the last.”

  “Alright. Now, about my future plans for after I retire in a few months, up to either my dying day or R-Day.”

  “R-Day?” Khraa/Astra sked, puzzled.

  “Rapture Day. My nickname for the day the Rapture happens.”

  Khraa/Astra chuckled mildly as she said, “I see.”

  “Anyhow, I’ve been offered a pastoring position with a church after my flat-footing days are done. A real pastor’s life isn’t like 7th Heaven, you know.”

  “Or that 7th Heaven clone show Heavenly Home. Isn’t it odd, Mike, that the eldest daughter in each of those shows was played by an actress named Jessica?”

  “It is” Mike said with a brief chuckle. “But whether it’s 7th Heaven or Heavenly Home, a preacher’s reality differs greatly from those of fictional TV preachers.”

  “I know, Mike. But still, to show you how much I do love you…” Khraa/Astra then quoted the Bible with loving humility in King James Biblical English, “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee. For whither thou goest, I will go. And where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God. Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.”

  Mike was pleasantly taken aback by the words Khraa/Astra quoted from the Book of Ruth, and how her voice displayed her true desires for him.

  “You know that’s from the Book of Ruth, right?”

  Khraa/Astra nodded yes with a grin, and then told him, “I really mean it, Mike. I’m with you through thick and thin, for better and worse, richer or poorer, sickness, health, so-so-ness... come what may, I’m with you, forever. I’ll always love you, Mike. I’m all yours… always.”

  “Well…” a thankfully appreciative Mike said, with tender gentleness.

  “Surely you can’t be serious!” said ex-porn actress Bambi Bambino, a stereotypically vivacious blonde California bimbo-type who was Eggers’ date, in the middle of a lover’s spat. Bambi thought the world of Eggers — but whom Eggers callously viewed as one-night stand material, as they walked along the same path as Khraa/Astra and Mike.

  “I am serious!” Eggers shouted. “And the name’s Austin, not Shirley!”

  “Who cares?!” Bambi said, as she became increasingly hysterical. She snapped and said, with verbal acid in her voice, “Are you gay?!”

  “What?!” Eggers said, his insecurity showing. “You’re calling me gay?”

  “I’m not saying you’re gay! I’m just asking!”

  “Can we cut the homophobia, for crying out loud?!” Eggers shouted. “And you call yourself a California girl?!”

  Bambi got into Eggers’s face and shouted at the dense FBI man who made Maxwell Smart look like James Bond, “Will you stop judging me by some sicko stereotype?! There’s more than one kind of California girl! Mind you, I don’t go around gay-bashing, but I’ve been so badly burned and hurt by gay men and women that —!”

  “Wait a minute,” said Eggers, who saw two people who resembled Khraa/Astra and Mike very strongly walking towards them in the distance. “I see the person I was sent here to… Gotta go!”

  Eggers bolted out from behind Bambi and ran towards the oncoming pair.

  As Eggers ran away from her, Bambi, having been left in the lurch again, waved her fist at Eggers as she shouted angrily at him, “GET OUTTA MY LIFE, YOU FLAT-FOOTED BOY-TRAMP. AND GO MAKE LIKE ROCKY THE FLYING SQUIRREL AND TAKE A FLYING LEAP OFF A CLIFF!”

  “You want me for me, no matter what?” Mike asked.

  “That’s right” Khraa/Astra said. “And you can take that to the bank.”

  “In that case, how about we go over under those trees over there, where you can sit while I do something awesome.”

  “Like what?”

  “You’ll see.”

  Mike and Khraa/Astra walked to the trees Mike had pointed out to Khraa/Astra. Mike removed a beach blanket from his backpack and spread it on the ground, and motioned Khraa/Astra to sit down, which she did. Mike got down on bended knee, and removed a small jewelry box from his shirt pocket.

  As Eggers stealthily approached the lovebirds with his service revolver drawn, Mike opened the jewelry box, presented Khraa/Astra with an engagement ring, and said to Khraa/Astra with a lover’s reverence, “Astra Ruth Downey… love of my life… my best and dearest friend… Will you —?”

  “PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR RIGHT NOW! BOTH OF YOU!” Eggers shouted, startling Mike and Khraa/Astra as he pointed his revolver at them.

  “WHAT’S THE MEANING OF THIS, BOY?!” Mike snarled at Eggers.

  “FBI! YOU’RE BOTH UNDER ARREST FOR VIOLATION OF THE BUMSTEAD-SHEEN ACT! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO —!”

  “There is no Bumstead-Sheen Act, butthead!” Mike shouted. “You’re making it up, or you’re drunk, or high! Stop this dumbass nonsense and —!”

  “I SAID, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!” shouted Eggers like a power-mad drill sergeant. “ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY! IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD AN ATTORNEY, ONE WILL BE PROVIDED FOR YOU FREE OF CHARGE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE RIGHTS I HAVE JUST READ TO YOU?!”

  “YES!” Mike said to the mad Eggers, “BUT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO —!”

  “I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE RIGHTS I HAVE JUST READ TO YOU?!”

  “I KNOW FOR A FACT THERE IS NO BUMSTEAD-SHEEN ACT!” Khraa/Astra shouted at Eggers as she pointed vindictively at him. “This is another case of false arrest on behalf of the New World Order, SO LAY OFF, YOU HITLER YOUTH REJECT!”

  “THAT DOES IT!” shouted Eggers in vicious contempt, as Khraa/Astra telepathically suggested extreme parch-throated thirst into his mind. “YOU’RE GONNA GET —!”

  Eggers nearly choked and coughed a severe dry cough. Bambi, who saw that Eggers was coughing like crazy, ran to the scene, followed by two State Park Peace Officers, who ran behind her to investigate what was transpiring.

  “What’s going on here?” asked Pablo Ramírez, the big, stocky, raven-haired Latino senior Park Ranger.

  “This guy went psycho on us, and tried to bust my girlfriend and I on some charges under a nonexistent federal law!” Mike said, as he took his FBI badge out of his pocket to show Ramírez his FBI badge. “I’m Agent Mike Bonhoeffer, FBI.”

  “Fed busting Fed?” said tall, confused and amused redheaded 20-something tomboy Ranger Kathy Reilly, who was tougher than most women. “This is odd.”

  “Looks like you’re thirsty” said Bambi, as she offered Eggers a vegetable drink she heavily seasoned earlier with garlic powder as he rose. “Here’s some veggie juice.”

  “Give it to me!” snapped Eggers, who grabbed the vegetable drink out of Bambi’s hand with rude swiftness, guzzled it down, satiated at first.

  Eggers then quickly fell back down onto the sand and went into terrifying epileptic convulsions! As he writhed in agony, Eggers’ appearance gradually yet quickly morphed into a monstrous-looking winged red bat-like biped as he growled viscerally with eerily evil snake-hissing screams that quickly alternated between a deep demonic bass roar and a high-pitched shrill insect-like screeching!

  The beast that was Eggers writhed, gyrated and then, with one last screeching, hissing roar, died. His “flesh” quickly lit ablaze until it had fully burned away. All that remained was a demonic-looking skeleton that was part-human and part-bat… until the bones themselves turned to dust and blew away in the light breeze.

  Bambi screamed uncontrollably, upon learning she had been dating a monster.

  Ranger Reilly, despite her strong nature and also having seen her own share of gruesome crimes as a park ranger, turned away to vomit, as did Mike and Ranger Ramírez, even though they each had seen heinous ugliness over the years in their careers. When they ceased vomiting, both men stood in perplexed stone-dead silence at the biz
arre death of whoever or whatever Eggers actually was.

  Khraa/Astra saw with dread that Eggers was, in fact, a Shrion.

  Everyone tried to process the gruesome event that had just transpired, but could not. Mike and the Park Rangers had no idea whatsoever about what they could put into any formal police report they knew they would have to file.

  “What the hell is going on here?!” asked Ranger Ramírez, dumbfounded.

  “That’s what I’d like to know!” Mike said.

  PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE

  WASHINGTON, DC, USA

  SAME MOMENT (11:40 PM EASTERN TIME)

  “How does it feel, knowing we’ll be moving back there soon?” Stanton said, brimming with overconfidence to Jefferson, as they passed the White House while seated in the back seat of their limo.

  “It’ll be different this time” Jefferson said, with wimpish indifference.

  “Yes, it will,” Stanton said boastfully, “because this time, I will be —!”

  Stanton, having psychically experienced Eggers’ bizarre death, went into convulsions and screamed so shrilly with grief that the limo driver was scared and swerved into oncoming traffic! The driver swerved back into his own lane and pulled over, while Stanton screamed like a scared lunatic!

  TETTEGOUCHE STATE PARK, MINNESOTA, USA

  8:45 PM CENTRAL TIME

  “This scares the hell out of me!” shouted Ranger Reilly in terror after she stopped vomiting, not knowing what to make of what happened to the “man” everyone thought was FBI Special Agent Eggers. Bambi, still shaken and sitting in the back of an ambulance Ranger Ramírez had called, was being treated with sedatives by emergency medics.

  “I wish I knew what to say…” Khraa/Astra said.

  Suddenly, storm clouds swiftly gathered and blackened the sunset sky, as thunder boomed like a carpet-bombing, and vicious lightning lashed about in all directions!

  “I’ll tell you what I have to say!” Mephistula/Stanton’s enraged voice said without explanation, sounding only slightly like Stanton’s. “You are ALL guilty of the first-degree murder of my son, FBI Special Agent Austin Reginald Samson Eggers! MURDERERS ALL!!!”

  Khraa/Astra was mortified with terror.