Cursed

by Monica Wolfson

  “Is there something I can do?” Teebow asked as Sasha listened through the partially opened door.

  “I wish,” he said and walked away. Sasha let the door shut with a soft click. She closed the lid on the toilet and sat propping her face in her hands. Tears spilled down her cheeks through her fingers and her head ached as she kept hearing the anguish in Evan’s voice. She understood his hesitancy and reluctance. She agreed with Teebow, Evan sounded scared. She could relate to his reluctance, she didn’t always understand her own feelings.

  She used a tissue to blot the moisture from her face. Her eyes were going to look red and puffy. As Evan’s words echoed in her head she mourned her loss of hope. She now realized there was no possibility of a relationship with him. He was broken and she didn’t know how to fix him.

  A knock on the door startled Sasha into action.

  “Just a minute,” she called and jumped off the toilet, flushed it and ran water in the sink. She splashed some on her face and dabbed the droplets with paper towel. Sasha snuck out of the restroom without either Teebow or Evan seeing her. They were too busy whispering to each other and serving customers. She returned to her club chair and pulled her book in front of her face. The words swam in front of her eyes. She couldn’t concentrate on Faulkner when there were more important issues to analyze. She peeked at Evan over the top of her book and nearly dropped it when she realized he was standing in front of her.

  She clasped the book to her chest trying to hide her shock. “Hey,” he said putting a coffee on the table and sliding into the seat opposite her. He smiled at her casually as if there had been no deep, emotional confession in the office with Teebow. She smacked her head when she realized she wasn’t supposed to know about that.

  “Hey back,” she said cheery, too cheery. She shook her head dismayed that she kept doing the fake happiness routine.

  Evan’s smiled widened. “Having fun?”

  She frowned at her book. “Not really.” She stuffed it unceremoniously in her bag.

  “You need a ride home?” He asked casually. One of his eyebrows rose in a question. How did he do that? For years she’d tried to get one eyebrow to move but both seemed stuck together.

  “Aren’t you working?”

  He shook his head. “Just finished.”

  She didn’t want to think of an excuse. If he wanted to spend time with her she wasn’t going to deny him. She tried to remain mindful of his office talk. He was more than clear that he didn’t want a relationship.

  “Sure,” she said gathering her things. He shrugged on his leather coat, grabbed the coffee cup and led the way out of the café. Teebow waved wildly at her as the door swung shut. It was nice to have a cheerleader in her corner, no matter how unsuccessful.

  When she snapped on her seatbelt she notice Evan was staring at her. His blue eyes were hooded and she couldn’t read his expression, it was somewhat blank.

  “You wanna go for a drive?”

  “Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

  “No I mean go somewhere.”

  Sasha’s mouth dropped open in surprise.

  “Where to?” Why was she asking so many questions?

  “I was thinking Mount Bonnell. I wanna see if the view has changed since the last time I was there.”

  “When was that?”

  He looked at his watch. “About a week ago.”

  Sasha laughed.

  “We could get sandwiches and hang out until sunset.”

  “We could,” she said hesitantly. She wanted to know why he suddenly had a change of heart. She couldn’t control herself when she blurted, “What are you doing?”

  “Not sure,” he said. “Let’s not put a label on it.”

  She was ok with that.

  Sasha nibbled her sub not wanting mayonnaise to squirt out and dribble down her shirt. She wasn’t the most coordinated eater. She was so focused on eating neatly she didn’t notice Evan staring at her. His eyes were round and full of questions as if she were the one holding back on him.

  “Has anything happened since Nefar?”

  She shook her head and took a big bite hoping that would signal she didn’t want to talk about Nefar. She wanted to know how his dad died, why he was so afraid to date and what did he mean when he said he would lose himself?

  She couldn’t ask the questions because then he’d know she’d heard every word he said. She had to think of a clever way to get him to talk about himself.

  “Didn’t you say your grandmother did all the cooking? Does she live with you and your parents?”

  He blinked as if she asked something unexpected. His mouth opened and moved but no words came out. Then he laughed loudly in a way that sounded a bit like a bark.

  “I have no parents,” he said.

  “Oh,” she said stunned to silence. She didn’t know anyone who didn’t have parents. Sure a lot of her friends parents weren’t together like Jenna’s but she didn’t know any orphans. She wanted to ask what had happened and yet she didn’t want to be intrusive. She waited for him to continue and hoped the ploy would work.

  “My dad died in Iraq,” he said. “I’ve lived with Nan since. She used to take care of me when he was on deployments so it wasn’t that big of a change.”

  He took a bite of his sub and chewed. She didn’t ask any more questions and hoped he would elaborate on his family situation like explain where his mother was.

  “Nan works in a printing shop,” he said. “She’s in her sixties and has no hope of retiring because of me.”

  The bitterness in his voice startled her. Evan was mostly gentle when he spoke or on occasion angry. She’d never heard him speak harshly. He sounded like he hated himself for being a burden to his grandmother. She didn’t hear self pity but only disgust that he was putting his grandmother through such an ordeal.

  “I’m sure your grandmother loves you,” she said trying to be reassuring. It was the only thing she could think of saying without asking where the hell his mother was and why wasn’t she taking care of him.

  His head shot up startled and his eyes widened as if her were shocked by her words. “Don’t get me wrong,” he said. “My grandmother doesn’t complain.”

  She nodded her understanding and didn’t want to utter another word for fear he’d misunderstand what she was trying to say.

  “It’s just that it’s been unnecessarily hard for her since my dad died,” he continued. “It’s not like my mother has ever helped.”

  Sasha kept quiet hoping he’d continue. He watched the boats below them making white drifts and waves in the calm lake. They were tiny specks on the large blue canvas of water.

  “She kidnapped me when I was five,” he muttered as Sasha gasped. She leaned toward him to hear better as he told her a story so depraved she had a hard time imagining it if Evan weren’t painting her a clear picture.

  “My parents were already divorced when she took me,” he glanced at her shyly from over his shoulder. “It was supposed to be for the weekend but we never came home. I can’t say I remember a lot. I was only five.

  “My dad and I were living in San Diego when she picked up me up at school. She didn’t have visitation rights because of the drugs.”

  He stopped talking for a minute and took a deep breath. “She took me to Seattle. She didn’t have a place to live; we just slept in the car. It was one of those old station wagons with wood paneling on the sides.”

  He picked at the grass growing between the rocks. “I don’t remember much, but I remember being hungry, all the time.”

  He patted his flat stomach hidden behind his sweater and leather coat. “We spent the days panhandling and at night my mom shot up or snorted or smoked whatever drugs she could get her hands on. She never spent the money on food. Why would you when you could buy drugs?”

  He laughed bitterly and stopped fidgeting. He tucked his arms around his calves and rested his chin on his knees. He’d stopped glancing her way and stared off into space as if lost in his memo
ries.

  “My poor dad had no idea what had happened to me. He took an emergency leave from the military and hit the road. It turns out my mom is from Seattle. Eventually he found us by staking out a food bank that we frequented.

  “When he found me I hadn’t bathed in a month or eaten in a week. I was skin and bones. He took pictures. I still have them. I wish I could remember more, you know, so I could really appreciate how my mother tortured my father and me.”

  When he was done he rested his mouth on his knees. His shoulders drooped as if he’d finally released some tension that he’d been carrying around all night. Sasha scooted closer to him and rested her hand on his. She leaned her head close to his ear and whispered.

  “That was terrible,” she said holding back tears. She could envision a small starving Evan wandering the streets of Seattle begging for money in filthy pajamas.

  “Is she dead too?” she said softly.

  “I wish,” he said with a trace of anger. Sasha coughed at his honesty and tried to cover her shock. “She’s not a good person.”

  Sasha was often angry with her mother but she’d never wished her dead. That was such a permanent solution to her problems. Despite the difference, she could see where Evan wanted his mother to disappear forever. She’d caused him and his father pain and had probably never made up for it.

  “Have you seen her since?”

  Evan shook his head. “I occasionally get birthday cards with five dollars inside.”

  Sasha was lost in her thoughts as she replayed what he’d told her. She wanted to erase Evan’s pain and had no idea how to do it. Tracking his mother down was probably not a good idea considering he didn’t care if she was alive or dead. She couldn’t fathom how a kid got over that kind of neglect and abandonment.

  “Forget that,” he said with a forced smile that didn’t touch his eyes. “I didn’t come up here for a pity party.”

  He shoved the remains of his sandwich in his pocket and grabbed her hand. He pulled her along a rocky uphill path to reach the top of the mountain that overlooked Lake Austin. Since it was only March they didn’t have to wait too late for sunset like they would have if it were summer.

  The water was calm and blue. A few boats dotted the vista as they crisscrossed along the narrow lake that was home to gigantic mansions on the shores. It was February but the weather had turned balmy and some boaters obviously were never deterred by season or weather.

  Evan pulled her onto a huge rock and sat on the edge with his legs swinging from side to side. Sasha joined him and made sure their legs weren’t touching even though she wanted them to.

  “This is one of my favorite places,” he said folding his legs on the rock, wrapping his arms around calves and resting his chin on his knees. “I feel calm here.”

  “Hmmm,” she said listening intently.

  “We’re on the edge of a city and you wouldn’t know it.”

  The sun dipped behind the hills on the other side of the lake, a burning orange globe disappearing behind black peaks. The colors weren’t as vibrant as in the summer. The sun fell fast in the winter with the brilliant colors lasting a few seconds rather than minutes in the summer. The night turned dark quickly after the sun disappeared behind the craggy rocks.

  “Up here I feel like anything is possible. I can do anything. Be with anyone,” he turned to Sasha and smiled. He picked up her hand and kissed the palm. She was so astonished she gaped at Evan. He laughed at the expression on her face, placed her hand on her lap and patted it. A small grain of hope sprouted in her chest as she warmed to his touch and kiss. It was quick and fast but she felt it down to her tingling toes.

  “Then you get down the mountain and everything goes back to normal, the same limitations, same insecurities and same impossibilities.” He was still smiling although not as brightly. Sasha was thoroughly confused as to who she was sitting beside. He was morose one second and wistful the next. Who was this guy? What was he trying to tell her?

  “Still interested in me?” he said suddenly his eyes hard and cold like ice. His gaze was penetrating and uncomfortable. Sasha shivered and wasn’t sure if he was trying to scare her on purpose.

  “Are you trying to scare me?”

  “Maybe,” he said. She sensed he was being truthful when he shifted his eyes back to the dark lake. The twinkling of lights from the houses dotted the long snaking lake and created a beautiful landscape like stars on water.

  “You’re going to have to try harder,” she said in a shaky voice. She cleared her throat and continued. “I’m not going to give up on you. We might not be dating but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. You sound like you need one.”

  Evan laughed heartily again. “I’m alright,” he said standing up and pulling her to her feet. “Teebow’s trying to straighten me out.”

  “How’s that going?” She said as casually as she could. She knew exactly what he meant but he didn’t know that.

  “I’m working on it,” he said and didn’t say more.

  They didn’t talk in the car drive to Sasha’s house. He pulled up slowly in front of her home with the lights blazing on the porch. Sasha couldn’t see anyone through the window.

  “Thanks for the lift,” she said reaching for the door.

  “Wait,” Evan said putting a hand on her arm. She paused expectant. She couldn’t stop a tiny flare of hope blossoming in her heart. His soft touch made her flush with excitement and she crossed her legs to squelch her desire. She tried to get angry at her body’s reaction to Evan’s closeness. The flush and goose bumps on her skin kept defying her orders to not react to his touch.

  He dropped his hand when she turned in her seat and stared into the blue lakes of his eyes. He averted his gaze and seemed uneasy, shifting in his seat.

  “I can’t promise you anything,” he said suddenly. His eyes bore into her and she couldn’t look away even if she wanted to. She sensed pain and anguish in his eyes as if his words and the need behind those words were causing him equal amounts of anguish.

  “Don’t give up on me,” his voice cracked at the request although there were no tears. She felt relieved that he was asking something of her that she could give.

  “No worries,” she said. “I don’t scare off that easily although I won’t be here forever.”

  Evan grimaced. “So I’ve heard.”

  Sasha nodded and opened the door. She was blown away by her nerve and couldn’t believe she gave him a warning. It was as if the words had a mind of their own and came out of her mouth without any help from her. She walked to her front door and didn’t look back at the car. She didn’t want to spoil her ‘holy shit I am so cool’ moment.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Surprisingly the Internet didn’t have much on a new age crystal shop on Fifth Street. Sasha did her research after track practice. It was strange the shop didn’t have a web presence. Sasha found a mention of the place on Yelp. It was sandwiched between a taco stand and a yoga studio.

  Sasha searched for the bus schedule online figuring she could go on Saturday. She didn’t want to go by herself. She called Cady and left a message asking her to go with her. She hadn’t seen Cady at school that day, but that wasn’t unusual. Sometimes Cady wasn’t there for several days. She never explained her absence and Sasha didn’t pry.

  After dinner Sasha went into the backyard. Even though it was January, the weather had warmed up and it was balmy enough for Sasha to walk barefoot in the grass. Winters in Austin were unpredictable. Sometimes it would be freezing, the next week it was in the 70s.

  Sasha dragged a lawn chair to a secluded corner of the yard. While analyzing how to protect herself without help from her mother, she realized she needed to control the blue sparks and call on them at will. Her biggest stumbling block was figuring it out. They had emerged twice when she was in danger. Was that the key?

  She laid a piece of wood at her feet and concentrated on it. She laid her hand, palm up, over the wood and thought about lifting it witho
ut touching it. She urged the blue sparks to appear. Focus. Focus. Focus. Nothing happened.

  Disappointed Sasha scrutinized the yard for another object. She heard barking from her neighbor’s yard but didn’t pay it any attention. The little purse dog next door was very yappy but harmless.

  Where were the squirrels when you needed them? Sasha scanned the tree limbs but saw no movement. She wasn’t sure how to trigger the blue sparks. It was obvious she needed some kind of threat otherwise they wouldn’t appear.

  The barking got louder and Sasha rose from her chair and followed the snarls. It wasn’t the little hairless dog next door. It was something more vicious. Sasha strode down the path between her house and the neighbor’s. She stood on the sidewalk scanning in both directions listening for the source of the snarling.

  She walked down the street, stones poking into the bottom of her feet. She barely felt them as goose bumps rose on the back of her neck. The barking grew fiercer the closer she got to the dog. She could see it. It had brown spotted fur over its muscular body. Compact and efficient, it radiated strength. White foam gathered in the corner of its mouth. She wasn’t sure if it was hot and thirty or had rabies.

  As she approached the dog, she felt fear but wasn’t paralyzed by it. It made her hyper sensitive, every nerve in her body aware and on edge. She felt super alert; sweat beaded on her forehead and upper lip. When she unlocked the gate around the house and stepped inside, she felt power surge in her limbs.