Verita

by Tracy Rozzlynn

  I find myself pondering the difference between lust and love. Lust is a chemical, purely physical reaction. There is no question that it can be powerful – mind numbingly powerful. It can also be distracting, leading down paths one normally wouldn’t take. As Andi had once suggested, I try to imagine myself growing old with Brody. I try to imagine us together when our looks are long faded, and our sex drive has ebbed. Would there be anything left between us? I see my older self sigh, without much to say. Then I see the image in my mind change; I’m still elderly, but Ryan sits beside me. He’s old and gray, hardly able to move with age, but he turns to me and smiles with a mischievous look in his eye and teases me, making me blush.

  What Brody and I have between us was nothing more than lust. I know I care for Brody; I even usually enjoy his company, and I certainly enjoy the physical contact, but there was never anything deeper than that between us.

  I have my answer. I have the reason I’d panicked instead of saying yes to Brody’s proposal. Even back then, deep down, I knew I didn’t love Brody. It was never more than an infatuation; just lust. That’s the reason he so easily slipped from my mind the moment I was away from him.

  That and Kelly are the reasons I feel so guilt-ridden over my feelings for Ryan. I have unintentionally led Brody on. I allowed him to think that what we had was more than it actually was. And now, when we finally return home, I’ll have to break his heart. It doesn’t matter what my feelings for Ryan are. I know I don’t love Brody, and I need to tell him. I stare down at the ring on my finger, and I’m furious with myself and my callousness.

  I feel like such a fool. How can I not have realized it sooner? How could I let it get to the point where I’m wearing this stupid ring on my finger? I mean, seriously, any normal person would have clued in the moment they had the panic attack.

  My internal tirade comes to a sudden halt. Andi knew. She had known from the very first night when she encouraged me to keep my options open with Ryan. The very same way I knew from the very beginning that Jackson was all wrong for her. She had questioned me on it many times since then, but never gone directly to the point. She never let it seem like she was prying. But then why, why did she help Brody with the proposal? It didn’t make sense.

  Unless—

  She did seem curious, but not overly concerned when I pretended not to have the ring. Was Andi trying to force our relationship to a head? Trying to get me to realize how wrong Brody was for me before I made a mistake and did something that I would later regret? That would be like Andi, to sit back and let me come to my own realization.

  I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I miss Andi. I need her guidance now more than ever.

  I slip Brody’s ring off my finger and place in my pack.

  I feel dishonest sleeping next to Ryan now. He’s unaware that my feelings have changed and that I have more than innocent, platonic feelings lying next to him. I try my best to push them out of my mind, but fail miserably. I try to distract myself by figuring out complex math problems in my head, but then he tightens his arm around me, and my thoughts are brought right back to him. If only the arm around me could mean what I want it to. I know I have no right to feel it, but his arm makes me feel cared for and loved, even though I know the feelings are imagined.

  Ryan and I are both reluctant to leave after the third day. We have both enjoyed the break, and dread going back to the endless walking. But it’s the only way we’ll ever see our home again. So, we grudgingly drag ourselves away from our little oasis and continue our journey.

  Over the next few days our journey effortlessly returns to normal. We have fallen back into our pleasant routine. Most mornings Caper wakes us up with his chirping. We pack up the sleeping bag and igloo, and follow Caper to fresh food and water. Once we have eaten and washed, Caper disappears into the woods for the day, and Ryan and I continue our hike back to the base. Throughout the day, Ryan and I continue to discuss random topics, from our earliest childhood memories to our views on politics. Then we set up camp at the end of the day. The next morning, the cycle begins anew.

  However, at night, when I am falling asleep, I can’t help but think about the intimate moments Ryan and I have shared: Ryan brushing my hair with his fingers, the almost kiss that Caper interrupted, the morning by the lake when he caught me watching him. Were they just moments of weakness brought on by our isolation, or does he also have romantic feelings for me? I love Ryan, but can he actually return that love? Do I want to risk our friendship to find out?

  No. Losing his friendship is not an option; it would be too painful, especially after everything we’ve been through. I decide to push any romantic feelings I have aside. They won’t do either of us any good.

  Before we know it, a month had passed us by. We hope the base is only a week or two away from us, but we have no way to be sure. Now that the cold weather of autumn is fast approaching, we’re anxious to reach home before temperatures drop too low. Neither of us have any clothing for cold weather, not to mention we’re running low on iodine tabs and will be forced to boil our drinking water soon. We catch ourselves looking for familiar landmarks, even though we know it is too soon to find any.

  I also discover that part of me is sad about the idea of reaching home. With Ryan healthy and Caper with us, our journey has become so pleasant that I don’t want it to end. I don’t want to return to the annoyances of everyday life, having to follow someone else’s schedule or rules. I don’t want to face Brody and admit my true feelings to him. Most of all, I don’t want to see Ryan wrapped in Kelly’s arms.

  As we walk towards home, I continue to torment myself over my feelings for Ryan and my relationship with Brody. I have never considered myself a fickle person, but now that I vacillated between Brody and Ryan, I’m questioning myself. I feel so strongly about Ryan right now, but didn’t I feel that way for Brody once? I try to remember what it was that drew me to Brody. I can’t remember anything except the inexplicable physical attraction between each us. He isn’t the type of person I’m usually attracted to, but from the moment I laid eyes on him, I was his. The way I felt around him could not easily be described: it was unnatural. Like my reaction to the blue tiger lily, I was drawn to Brody beyond reason.

  The thought hits me so hard that I physically come to a stop.

  “Ryan, do you think about Kelly when you’re not with her?” I blurt, quickly resuming my walk before he notices.

  “Huh?” He’s apparently lost in thought too.

  Now that his eyes are on me, I hesitate. Swallowing my embarrassment, I ask, “Does Kelly have an effect on you when you’re not physically around her?”

  “Sure I think about her, but it not the same as when I’m near her. Why?” There’s a moment of awkward silence. “What are you getting at, anyway?”

  I consider sharing my thoughts with Ryan but decide to lie instead. He doesn’t need to worry that I’m going crazy with conspiracy theories. “Oh, nothing; just a stray thought. I think the sun is getting to me. Do you mind resting for a bit?”

  We sit down in the shade for a while, but neither of us says anything. Ryan periodically gives me a curious glance. I feel guilty for lying to him, for not telling him what my thoughts are. The truth is, I’m not sure myself. That’s why I have to think right now.

  There have been an extraordinarily large number of couples struck by love at first sight, and way too many of them rush into marriage. The more I think about it, I can’t think of anyone I know that doesn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend. If a pod can be used to educate a person while they sleep, what’s to prevent it from programming a person to respond to a person’s pheromones, their voice and the very sight of them?

  With all the testing that was performed on us before we left, genetically compatible matches could have been easily determined for each of us. We would be predisposed to have an attraction to them, so it would be easy to amplify that attraction. I remember what high school was like; all the drama from who’s dating who. We have none of
that here. Everyone has someone, so everyone is relatively happy and content. Several couples have already gotten married and are now starting families. The sooner we start on the next generation, the better it is for our survival. Plus, I don’t know a single couple that actually works together. Everyone is able to concentrate on work without getting distracted by romance. For a group of hormone laden, emotional teenagers, things have gone extraordinarily smoothly these past few months. If I’m right, should I do anything about it? If suddenly what’s making everyone attracted to each other is turned off, what would the effect be? It could cause chaos that could rip the base apart.

  I need to see Andi. She’ll listen to everything I have to say without telling me that I’m off my rocker. She’ll help me figure out what is the right thing to do. The sooner we get back to base, the better. I can’t do anything from the middle of the woods, anyway. And perhaps the heat is getting to me; maybe I am losing it. Once I’m back at home, I can look at everything more clearly.

  “I’m feeling better. Let’s head out.” I stand up and put my pack back on.

  “Are you sure? It’s not like you to ask for a break. I’d rather wait a while and make sure you’re ok.” Despite his concern, he has already given in and is putting his pack on too.

  “I feel fine. Do you want me not to tell you the next time I need a break?” I threaten.

  “No; just make sure you’ve rested long enough.” He smiles back at me. I hope this means he has forgotten the awkwardness from earlier.

  I smile back at him and start walking. “Let’s go then.”

  Chapter 23

  As we get closer to home, Caper starts spending more time away from us. He’s grown larger over the last few months, and I suspect he is now in his teenage years. Maybe escorting us through the woods has become a chore he doesn’t feel like doing, especially if he’s started noticing female meerkits.

  Today is one of those days where Caper has decided not to appear. We have found a ledge that runs all the way down the canyon wall to the river. Ryan goes down to the river to fill up the canteens while I pack up camp.

  I have just finished packing, when I hear a rustle of leaves in the tree above me. I turn, expecting to greet Caper, but it’s not him. I see a large black animal crouched in the branches above, ready to pounce on me. I scream and quickly jump to the side. It misses me, but it quickly turns around and has me in its sights again. It’s the pan-wolf we had tagged, and by the looks of it, he has put on the hundred pounds I predicted, plus a little more.

  I have nowhere to go. If I run, he will easily take me down.

  I slowly walk backwards, considering my options – I have none. I swallow hard and try not to panic. I hope it will be over quickly, without too much pain. The animal prepares to lunge. Now I can’t resist the panic building in me. I turn and start to flee.

  I hear a loud thud behind me. I look up and see Ryan running towards me, his arms full of rocks. I don’t look back to see if the first rock has hit its mark. A surge of relief floods through me as I race toward him. I watch him throw several more rocks as I approach. I expect him to turn and run away with me, but he moves past me, now screaming and yelling at the creature. Panic returns as I realize he’s charging the animal. I turn around to see the animal disappear into the woods. Dumbfounded by what happened, I watch as Ryan grabs my pack and runs back to me.

  “Are you hurt?” he pants and grabs my arm when he sees I’m still not moving.

  I manage to shake my head.

  Leading me by my arm, he says, “Let’s cross the river. We’ll travel on the other side in case it decides to come back. Hopefully we’ll find a bank we can climb back up.”

  I nod.

  We quickly run down to the river and grab Ryan’s bag and the canteens. We cross the river and climb up the other side as soon as we find a somewhat climbable area. Our hands and knees get scrapped and bruised. Under any other circumstances, we wouldn’t have risked the climb and the very real chance of falling. But the pan-wolf is a greater threat, so we scramble up the steep canyon wall, ignoring our fear and pain. We know we should be safe once we make it to the top, but we continue wordlessly as fast as possible until we can’t walk anymore.

  Exhausted, I sink down onto a rock. The reality of what happened sets in, and I start to shake. Ryan walks over, encircles me in his arms, and lets me silently cry. I bury my face in his shoulder as he strokes my hair.

  “It’s okay, you’re safe now,” he breathes into my ear.

  “I thought I was going to die, then I saw you running towards it, and I thought you were going to die instead.”

  “Shh. We’re both okay,” he reassures in a hushed tone.

  Remembering the attack, I ask, “How did you get there so fast?”

  “The tracking device. I activated my watch to check the date on its calendar and the alarm started going off. I didn’t know which direction it was in, so I grabbed an armful of rocks and ran to find you.”

  We don’t say anything else for a while. I just sit wrapped in his arms, leaning my head against his shoulder.

  Finally, I stand up, wipe the tears from my eyes, and start to walk again. We continue to walk for the rest of the day. We don’t even stop to eat. Instead we eat from our supply of jerky as we walk. Neither of us says anything, but we both understand that we need to place as much distance as possible between us and the pan-wolf. Ryan’s watch is no longer beeping, but we don’t want to give it a chance to beep again.

  By the time we make camp at nightfall, we are both utterly exhausted and fall right to sleep.

  Caper greets us the next morning, and I have to resist my urge to act mad towards him. He’s the reason we’ve survived as long as we have, but part of me unfairly blames his absence for the pan-wolf attack. In the end though, Caper’s presence helps me feel safe. He stays with us on the new side of the river, and leads us to more opal berries.

  As usual, the rock of the small lake is like reflective white marble, and the berries abundantly surround the water. Ryan and I bathe and eat in silence. Then I stretch out on the warm rock to dry. I consider staying where I am for the day, but I know we have to go. Begrudgingly, I get dressed and get ready to leave. I start to walk but feel Ryan’s hand on my shoulder. I turn toward him, and I’m surprised to see tears brimming in his eyes.

  “I thought you were going to die yesterday too.”

  He grabs me by the waist and pulls me against him. I felt his soft lips on my forehead. With his free hand, he tilts my chin up and stares into my eyes, into my soul. I can’t look away from his vibrant green eyes. They hold so much pain, anguish, and love all at the same time. He bends down and tenderly brushes his lips across mine. He pauses, and when I don’t resist, his lips find mine again, and he kisses me. I eagerly kiss back. His kisses are long, sweet and gentle, but behind them is a fierceness. I feel his intensity as all of the anticipation, longing and desire that has been building between us is released. I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer to me, finally free to show him how much I yearn for him. But all too soon, he pulls away from me.

  “Sorry,” he apologizes and turns away from me.

  “For what?” I’m hurt and confused. Why is he apologizing for kissing me? Is it because he still wants to be with Kelly and I’m just a substitute?

  “For everything.” He drops his head into his hands. “For not bothering to ask you how you feel. For waiting until you almost died to let you know how I feel.” He shakes his head, angry with himself.

  Relief washes through me. I grab him by the shoulder and turn him back around. “Let me show you how I feel then.” I pull him back to me and kiss him then, opening myself, trying to let him feel all the emotion pulsing through me. His mouth wanders from mine. His hand wanders through my hair, and he pulls me even closer. He traces my face with his lips, stopping to kiss me on the ear then down on my neck. I run a hand through his hair and with the other I trace the muscles on his arms and back. For once my body and mind are in
synch; I’m aware of all my senses instead of overwhelmed by them. I glide a hand over his chest, feeling the heat of his body through his shirt. I reach up and rest my hand on his neck, pull him down towards me. Breathing in the scent of his skin, I slowly kiss his neck, his ear, his chin; his soft beard that has grown tickles my cheek. I find my way back to his warm, soft lips. I can taste the sweet berries lingering on his tongue. I gasp dizzily; I’ve forgotten to breathe.

  Ryan pulls me against him, but we both lose our balance and tumble to the ground. After untangling ourselves, I rest my head on his chest, and we both laugh.

  “I guess I should apologize too,” I say, stroking his arm.

  “How about we call it even?” he offers. He runs his fingers along my spine: a tingle of electricity courses through me

  “Okay, even,” I sigh, and cuddle further into his arms.

  We stay wrapped in each other’s arms, just staring into each other’s eyes. Neither one of us is willing to leave this moment by the lake.

  “So when did you first know?” Ryan asks as his hand twirls a strand of my hair. He clarifies: “How you felt.”

  “I guess I’ve known for a while. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. It took you almost dying from that damn flower before I couldn’t deny it anymore. But I had no idea how you felt. So I kept it to myself,” I admit.

  To my surprise, Ryan starts laughing. “Well aren’t we just two peas in a pod?” I sit up and look at him, wrinkling my forehead in confusion. “When you woke up and explained to me how you, Caper and the other meerkit saved me, I almost kissed you right then and there. I only stopped because I knew you didn’t feel the same way. I realized you would have done the same thing if it were Molly or Jake lying in the igloo.”

  “Well in a way I guess we need to thank the pan-wolf.” I reach over and lazily stroke his hand with my fingers.