Beginning with Forever

by Lan LLP

  Bianca comes running towards my mother and gives her pretentious air kisses to each of her cheek. She looks lewdly over to me. “I’m delighted you’re here, Carson.” Unfortunately for me, she releases my mother and draws me in for an unexpected real kiss. I back away at once and wipe her rouge color off my lips with the back of my hand. My mother rolls her eyes at me, disgusted by my overdramatic reaction. “Carson, you’re not wearing one of my ties tonight,” Bianca observantly points out.

  “I like the freedom of not wearing one outside of work. If you’ll excuse me, I want to find my seat. Mother, I’ll meet you out there.” I begin to walk away, but Bianca grabs my wrist to detain me.

  “I’d like for you to meet some of our new models.” She circles her arm around mine and my jaws automatically clench down tightly with annoyance. “This is Isabella Marie Ellis,” she introduces the first female model. For some peculiar reason, she looks familiar to me, but I can’t seem to pinpoint how I know her pretty face. She’s tall and slender with dark brown hair and eyes and a strikingly beautiful dimpled smile. She puts her hand out, and I shake it briefly, still baffled. I make every effort to avoid staring rudely at her as I try to figure out the connection.

  “I’ve heard a lot about you from Lily.” She grabs my attention with Lillian’s name. That’s it. She’s one of Lil’s best friends from the picture on her desk. She’s the taller one standing on Lily’s left side. Damn, I’m shit out of luck. It’s a given that she’ll report back to Lily about seeing me at Bianca’s show before I’ll even have a chance to explain anything to Lil.

  I pretend not to be affected by our run-in. “Welcome to New York, Isabella,” I pull myself together to speak to her casually. “I hope that everything you’ve heard about me is all good.” She nods her head bashfully. Bianca tugs my arm to lead me to the next model and interrupts my small chat with Isabella. “Isabella, I’m sorry to cut this short,” I tell her and reluctantly follow Bianca. I feel obligated to stay and explain to Isabella the circumstances of why I’m here with my ex-fiancée.

  “Isabella confided in me about Lillian’s relationship with a man name Richard…I think that’s his name,” Bianca whispers as we approach another female model.

  “What did you say? Why would that even come up in conversation? Isn’t she a random model your agency recruited?” I attack her immediately. Why is she fucking with me? My fists clench tightly as my anger escalates. I can barely see straight through my glaring eyes.

  “Calm down, Carson, and let me explain. We were just talking about her background, shooting the shit, and she told me she’s from Fort Wayne, Indiana.”

  “You don’t normally shoot the shit with any of your employees,” I skeptically call her out.

  “Will you let me finish? I didn’t know how small the towns are there, so I took a shot and asked her if she knew a girl name Lillian Ly. She told me that Lillian is one of her best friends and that she’s seeing this really hot looking soon-to-be doctor. She also mentioned you, Carson. She said that Lil is also seeing this older man with more money than he knows what to do with, and he’s following her around like a puppy. Lillian can’t decide who she wants to be with, but she’s leaning more towards Richard.” I give her a hateful glare, the kind you save for that one person you hate most in your life. “Don’t be mad at me, Carson. I might be the victim here, not Lillian. Have you ever thought of that?” She turns to me and displays a pitiful look. “Go back to Isabella and simply ask her if it’s true about Lillian and Richard,” she challenges me with her arms folded across her chest.

  I heatedly march back to Isabella, take her by the elbow and stare directly into her dark brown eyes. “Is it true about Richard? Are they together?” She nods her head. The color in my face washes away as I feel my heart stop beating. She has a perplexed expression on her face from my response. I drop her elbow and walk away. My haunting nightmare has come true. If Lily wants Richard and not me, then what is she doing with me? Why is she fucking with my emotions? Is this why she’s been avoiding me and spending more time with Richard?

  Right at my lowest point, Bianca adds more insult to my open wound. She runs after me and hands me an envelope full of pictures of Richard and Lillian in bed. Each picture I flip through leaves another painful lesion on my battered emotion. I’ve been taken for an idiot by a woman I love with every fiber in my body. I’ve opened myself up to her and no one else. How could she be this cruel to me and why?

  “Carson, I love you. I wanted to make sure that she’s true to you before I give you up. As shameful as it may sound, I hired an investigator to follow her around. He took these pictures for me several weeks ago, and I’m sorry to be the one to break this awful news to you.”

  I have nothing to say to her. I jerk my arm from her grip and stomp away, depleted of any emotions. I need something to numb my suffering. I take an empty seat at the bar and demand a bottle of his most expensive vodka and an extra-large shot glass from the bartender. “Have another bottle ready. This one won’t take me long,” I snap at him, pissed at the world and at myself for allowing a woman to make me vulnerable again. The first couple of shots run down smoothly, but they’re still not taking the edge off yet, so I continue to slam them, one after another. Hell yeah, I’m finally feeling less rigid, maybe even woozy after the ninth shot. Why bother with the shot glasses? I grab the bottle by the neck instead and chug it like water. I want the liquor to erase my pain as it glides down my throat.

  Bianca reappears out of nowhere and forces the bottle out of my grip. She hands the almost empty bottle to the bartender for safekeeping. “Carson, what the hell are you doing? Are you out of your fucking mind? You’re wasted!” she yells at me and then grabs my arm and helps support me off the bar stool. I attempt to push her away, but she’s persistent.

  “I don’t need your help Bibi,” I slur my words. “Leave me the hell alone.”

  “Come with me Carson. I’ll have my driver take you back to my room. You can sleep this off over there. I’ll check on you after my show.” She tries to support my intoxicated body to get me to go with her. The room is spinning all around me. My feet aren’t steady enough to hold me up. I stumble back and forth.

  “Mr. Bradley, let me give you a hand,” a familiar male voice comes to my rescue. It’s Hayden. What is he doing here? He takes my arm from Bianca and wraps it around his shoulders and neck to support me. She’s not happy with his intrusion, but I’m grateful for it. There’s no telling what would happen if Bianca has her way with me in my defenseless condition.

  “Hayden, good to see you, man,” I spit out my words.

  “Where are you staying, Carson?” he asks. I give him a blank stare. “Maybe it might be wiser for you to crash in my room tonight.” He helps me into a cab, and we drive off together. I don’t remember anything after that.

  Lillian Ly

  Carson and I can’t seem to sync our calls. We haven’t been able to get a hold of each other all day except for the steamy little text he sent me earlier. I’m getting terribly antsy keeping this baby news from him. This info is too personal to share via texting or voicemail, so I haven’t left him either one. “No luck with getting a hold of baby’s father?” Amelia asks me. I shake my head with frustration. “He’s persistent. He won’t give up until he gets a hold of you tonight,” she reassures me.

  My phone chimes, alerting me of a text message. Disappointingly, it’s not Carson. It’s Belle. She’s been updating me with pictures and texts, hour by hour since I can’t be there with her.

  Just ran into your HOT boyfriend, Carson, backstage! Here’s a picture of him for you

  I’m sure it’s unintentional, but she snapped a picture of Carson at a distance with Bianca’s arms looped around his. They look like they’re talking about something serious. My blood boils over the top, looking at his picture. This is the prior obligation he couldn’t break. This is why he hasn’t answered my calls and to think I was worried about something bad happening to him. He’s perfectl
y fine in his expensive suit and a hot ex-fiancée by his side. This picture is all I need to confirm my doubt about his shaky commitment. He’s not ready to be a father to any baby, especially mine. There’s no reason to tell him now. I reply to her text.

  Hope you’re having a great time! Good luck with the show!!!! <3 Lil

  Damn these overflowing tears. I show Amelia the picture on my phone and heatedly tell her, “There’s no way in hell, I’ll ever tell him about my baby now. He seems to have a history of commitment issues. I rather not have my baby exposed to this.” For the first time ever, I pull the dividing curtain down the center of our room. I collapse on my bed and bury my heart deep into the mattress. Amelia understands my need to be alone and lets me be. I sob until there’s nothing left inside of me to offer. I don’t understand how he can promise me all those things and break my heart so easily? We’ve only been apart for one week, and he already has a backup trophy girl for his social commitments. She’s not just any ordinary girl either; she’s his ex-fiancée. My mother was right about him. I should’ve heeded to her warning, but it’s too late for regrets now.

  I’m determined to finish this year here and have my baby back home. I’ll reapply at a medical school closer to home and complete everything there. It’ll take me longer, but it’ll all work out one way or another. It has to. My mother sacrificed for me, and I’ll do the same for my baby. I just can’t cry over him ever again. I have to block him out of my heart, so he’ll never get another chance to break it again. I wipe the remaining tears away and quickly jump out of bed. My contempt for him compels me to remove his picture off my desk and then I slowly slide his ring off my middle finger. I read the inscription on the inside of the ring, CB Forever True LL. I guess forever for him is a little over a month. I ransack my closet and pull out every item that he’s ever gifted me and pile them all on the floor. I want nothing to remind me of him. Somehow my eyes shed more tears. How is that even possible? I didn’t think I had any left. I drop my butt down to the floor, ball myself up tightly and then release the remaining burning tears. I must’ve saved the best for last because it feels like my heart came out in tiny pieces as I cried to myself.

  Carson Bradley

  God, where am I and why is this room still spinning? I squeeze my head with both hands to contain my throbbing headache. I can’t recall much of what happened last night besides the fact that Lillian trampled all over my heart. I sit up and find myself on a brown upholstered sofa instead of a leather one. This isn’t my hotel room. “Carson, how are you feeling, man?” It’s Hayden’s voice again. “Do you want some coffee?” he considerately offers me. I nod my head as my eyes squint against the intense sunlight shining through the massive glass windows. I hear a soft feminine voice whispering to him in the background. She walks around and hands me a white porcelain coffee mug. It’s Isabella in a plush white robe. I’m even more confused now. Why is she here in this room with Hayden and me?

  “I’m not sure what you want in your coffee so I left it black.”

  “Black is fine, thanks Isabella,” I assure her.

  “Sure thing, be careful, it’s really hot,” she cautions me.

  “What happen to you last night? No one purposely drinks an entire bottle of Grey Goose. It’s crazy man,” Hayden curiously inquires, seeking a rational explanation for my erratic behavior.

  “I have my own reasons,” I retort bluntly, recalling how betrayed I feel by Lily. They have no clue about the tormenting pictures securely tucked inside my suit pocket. They both look offended by my reaction, so I promptly lighten my tone. First of all, they have nothing to do with my pain, and secondly, I don’t need to take it out on them. “Thanks for helping me last night,” I offer them my sincere gratitude.

  “No problem. I figure you didn’t want me to leave you in Bianca’s hands. Her plans for you definitely didn’t include me, so she wasn’t thrilled when I offered to take you off her hands,” he smirks to himself, probably reminiscing about how sly he was to spoil her plans.

  “I owe you big time for that. She’s not handling our separation well. I can’t convince her to understand that I’ve found someone else I truly care about.” I look directly at Isabella, wanting her to hear me clearly state that Bianca and I are finished. She listens carefully like any devoted friend would do for another, reading my expression for confirmation. “I better get back to my place. I’m flying home today.” I stand up unsteadily and proceed towards the door.

  “Mr. Bradley, knowing that Lily has fallen for someone who cares for her so deeply is really comforting to all of us. I just want you to know that.” Isabella lightly grips my wrist to give me her blessing. I offer her a forged smile. This doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Last night she confirmed Lillian and Richard’s relationship and now she’s giving me her blessing. My head is thudding and aching. I can’t see straight let alone think straight. I want to ask her for an explanation, but Hayden walks over and puts his arms possessively around her. She looks at him with puppy love in her eyes. I know that look all too well. I’ve wasted enough of their time, so I decided to save them from my outpour of self-pity and not pose any more questions until I’m certain about what the hell is going on.

  “Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want some breakfast before you head out?” he courteously offers.

  “I’m good. I’ve taken enough of your time. Thanks again. I’ll call you one of these evenings for B-dubs. By the way, what floor are we currently on?”

  “We’re on the same floor as your room. I think yours is at the end of the hallway.” I’m thankful we’re at the same hotel. A cab ride anywhere right now will certainly make me hurl my guts out.

  “Hayden, I’ll see you back in Boston, and Isabella, have a safe trip home and congrats on your first modeling gig in New York.” She gives me a beautiful model smile and waves good-bye. I exit their room, close the door behind me and hear her laughing as Hayden playfully teases her. Not that long ago, I was experiencing this same kind of romance in my life. The memories of it stir up more bitterness, so I suppress them at once.

  I stumble into my hotel room and collapse on top of my bed. The annoying glare from the sun hurts my head, but I’m too defeated to deal with the blinds. I glance at my phone, still hopeful for a missed call or text message from Lil, but there are none. I disappointingly see several from Bianca and my mother. I pitch my phone aside and pull out the envelope of pictures Bianca handed to me last night. Like a sick bastard, I scrutinize their intimacy in each picture, and it makes me want another numbing drink, but my queasy stomach and pounding headache forbids me. The sight of his body on top of hers is enough to make me irrationally violent. I want to beat him senseless for causing me this much pain. God, I have to get my shit together. The last person I want to expose my heartache to is my mother, especially since she forewarned me about Lily. I can’t allow her to suffer through another fifteen years of emptiness because of me. It’s not her fault that I’m hurting; it’s mine for choosing the wrong woman.

  I showered, shaved and dressed in casual slacks and a black cashmere sweater. My belongings are all neatly folded and packed. I trail over to the safe and unlock the Tiffany bag that I was so thrilled about just yesterday. I flip the lid open and gaze at it. How could she betray me? I gave her all of me. I considered her a priceless gem, but the truth is she’s like all the rest. I close the lid and toss it into my leather bag.

  Someone is knocking on my door. It’s probably my mother checking in on me since I’ve ignored all her calls and text messages. I inhale a breath, deep enough to saturate both my lungs and exhale it in anticipation for her outpour of drama. I open the door, and Bianca prances unpredictably through the entrance. “Come on in,” I sarcastically tell her and close the door behind.

  “I was worried sick about you last night. I didn’t know where you were.” She paces back and forth in front of me with her hands in the air.

  “As you can see, I’m perfectly fine. I’ll be leaving within the h
our, but before I do, I need to unload some bad news on you. You might want to have a seat first.” We walk over to the living section and sit down facing each other. She adjusts her cardigan so the tops of her breasts are visible for my benefit, I’m assuming. I look over her shoulders and stare out the window instead, not allowing her to influence my concentration in any way. “I’m relinquishing my ownership of your fashion line to you. I don’t want my personal and professional life to be tangled into one.” She looks pissed, but I’m not the slightest bit bothered. “The paperwork will be finalized early next week.” Her eyes narrow and may possibly be piercing a hole through my heart. I can’t blame her if she hates me. I haven’t been fair to her. “The pictures were really hard to digest, and I’m sure your intentions are good, but I wish you never gave them to me. They’re poisoning and killing me slowly.” I fight to hold back my bitterness.

  She reaches for my hands, and I reluctantly allow her to hold onto them. “Carson, we made it work before Lillian. We can do it again. I promise I’ll make you the happiest man alive. Just give us another chance. I love you,” she pleads with all her heart. I look directly into her imploring blue eyes, digging deep for any love I might possibly have hidden in my heart for her, but came up absolutely empty. I pull my hands away and place them on my lap.

  “I’m sorry Bianca, but I can’t,” I tell her coldly without any explanations.

  “What will you do about Lillian?” she inquires, pulling and tugging on her sleeves with exasperation from my rejection.

  “I don’t know yet,” I honestly reply and put an end to our conversation. The last thing I want to do is talk about Lily with her. “If you don’t mind, I have to finish gathering the rest of my belongings. I have a flight to catch.” I accompany her to the door and watch her walk away in disappointment. She turns her head around one last time, hoping that I would change my mind, but I offer her nothing. She steps into the elevator and disappears.