"It started a long time ago. I told you about how I travelled so much when I was a kid. Well, I got back here and finished high school, happy to keep to myself. It was hard for me to adjust to being home and I had a lot of issues. I tried to fit in but that was never going to happen. I thought going to university would be a fresh start. I planned to study programming. The course I wanted to do was very competitive but I got in. I had so many hopes and dreams – that I'd be with people who understood me and were into the same things I was into."
"I thought you never went to uni?" Tex adjusted his arm around my shoulder, getting comfortable. He could tell this was going to be a long story. I rested my hand on his chest and he entwined his fingers with mine. The solidity of him made it easier for me to talk, and the things I knew about his pain made me think he might understand.
"I went, for a while. From the first lecture, it was bad. The lecturer made a mistake in his notes and I corrected him. I thought I was doing the right thing. You can’t teach people stuff that is wrong. A few of the guys in the class laughed and most of them glared at me. The lecturer, who was the head of the department, ignored what I said and kept talking as though I didn't even exist.”
I stopped for a moment. This was really hard. Talking about it brought it all back. I could almost smell that lecture hall, that mixture of whiteboard markers and musty books and rotten bananas. I hated that place. Thinking about it made my leg itch. More invisible spiders crawling on me. I took my hand from Tex's and scratched my leg but the crawling sensation didn't stop. I scratched so much that Tex grabbed hold of my hand again, trying to calm me.
"It only got worse after that. I'd made myself a target. At least in high school, people just ignored me. I'd have paid good money to be ignored at uni. It didn't help that I got the top marks. Not just top but way higher than those guys who hated me. Maybe, if they'd spent more time studying instead of thinking up ways to torture me, they'd have done better."
I paused. I wanted to scratch again. The crawling spiders were all over my body. If I wanted to scratch them off, I wouldn't know where to start.
“They spread rumours about me. I'd walk into the lecture hall and people would whisper, then look at me and laugh. I stopped going to lectures but I still had to do the labs. Then it got worse. I'd be walking down the hallways between classes and they'd come up behind me, threatening to beat me up or even rape me if I didn't stop it."
Tex's body tensed. "What? You are fucking kidding? Do you have these guys' names because I will kill them."
"It's all history now, but it got even worse." I tried to stay calm but those spiders were burrowing into my skin. They were in my scalp and crawling in my ears. I wanted to get up and have a shower, to wash them off and make myself clean but I had to finish my story.
"Did any of those douches hurt you?"
"I reported them to the department head. I thought he could do something about it. The uni had all these policies about things like that. They had posters up everywhere saying they had zero tolerance on bullying and discrimination with cute little drawings. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was just working my heart out to get good marks. It wasn't right that I was getting too scared to even go to class."
I scratched my scalp before I could stop myself. Just behind my ear, that was the worst.
"We had a meeting and I was all hopeful that those guys would be put in their place. I sat in that dark office, having to face them while I told the department head what they'd said. Those guys sat there, leering at me, then they said I lied. I was imagining the whole thing, I wasn't right in the head. It was my word against theirs. I had no proof. They never did things in front of other people. Just their little bully gang, threatening me and calling me names."
Tex's arm was around me and I was safe with him. There were no spiders. It was just Tex and I together. I inhaled and tried to go on.
"The head told me I should harden up. I think he thought I had some kind of agenda or maybe he just didn't care, maybe hated me because I corrected his mistake. Why would I make that stuff up? Those cute little anti-bullying drawings were a sham."
"He didn't do anything?" Tex's grip on me tightened as if he could hold me close and erase that pain from long ago.
"No, he pretty much said I was a hysterical female. I couldn't do anything."
"So, what happened? You dropped out?"
I rubbed my nose. I had to tell him the rest.
"I met a guy. He came up to me as I left the head's office and asked me if I was in his class. We got chatting and went for a coffee. He was so sweet and understanding, I ended up telling him everything. After that, we became friends. We'd go to classes together and if he saw those guys near me, he'd put himself in the way to protect me. I was so happy to have finally made a friend. We had so much in common and hung out all the time. We were best friends. Then we were more than best friends. At first, I wasn't that interested in dating him. I didn't have those kinds of feelings but he kept insisting. I didn't want to lose the only friend I had so I figured it was better to agree than to be alone again.”
I gulped, resisting the urge to scratch.
"The whole couple thing was new to me. I'd never had a boyfriend before. Neither of us had much money, of course, because we were just students, but we hung out doing stupid stuff. He took me for drives or to the museum. Sometimes, he'd pick flowers from the gardens and give them to me. Mostly we'd just hang out at his place, working on assignments or watching movies and... He was my first. I didn't want to but again, I was scared I'd be alone otherwise. I let him do it but it was awful. I couldn't see what the fuss was about. He was my only, until I met you."
I slapped at myself, wanting to stop the crawling. The itching got worse, it got so much worse. I wanted to scratch and scratch. Tex held me so tight and kept hold of my hand so I had to stay still. I couldn't settle though. I squirmed in his arms.
“I tried to make myself enjoy those moments with Chris David. After all, everyone said sex was fun and awesome, but it’d just been boring, at best, and sometimes painful. Then it fell apart."
"Well it does at that age." Tex's voice was calm but, because my hand was on his chest, I could feel the change in his breathing.
"Not like that. We worked together on the major assignment. I had no time for going out or fooling around. I wanted to do something amazing, something more than the assignment called for. I was driven to be the most impressive student in the whole year. There was a scholarship I had my eyes on and I knew I could win it."
My eyes stung but I held back my tears. The Ruby that I was back then had been too trusting. I rubbed my left foot against my right, hoping to ease the itch there.
"A few days after I handed my assignment in, I got called to the head's office. Inside, I had a secret hope that he'd seen my assignment and had news about the scholarship. That's the only reason I could think of for him wanting to see me. When I got there, he had a stern look on his face. It didn't seem like good news. I sat down, my knees together, hands folded on my lap, waiting for him to start talking.
"He waved the printout of my assignment in the air. ’What do you call this?' he screamed. ’Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think you can fool me so easily?'
"I had no idea what he was talking about. I sat there stunned, wondering if he'd lost his senses. He kept thrusting the paper toward my face. I recoiled, checking for a way to escape.
"'Don't act all innocent with me. That might work with some of the fools around here but I know what you're like. Luckily, Chris had the sense to keep me up to date.' He picked up a bunch of papers off his desk and threw them on my lap.
"I picked up the top one and stared at it then looked through them until the picture came together in my mind. Emails dating from the beginning of the project. Emails that Chris had sent him, asking questions about his work, except that it was my work. In the messages on some of the later ones, Chris had actually said he thought I was copying his assignment and wanted to protect hims
elf! I tried to explain that it was my work. I'd trusted Chris. I'd left stuff at his place never thinking he'd even read it. If he'd wanted help, he'd only had to ask me."
My words came out fast now, tumbling into each other.
"It took a while for it to sink in. Chris hadn't just stolen my work, he'd systematically ripped me off for weeks, leaving a trail of evidence. He'd set me up so that I'd be the guilty one.
"I told the head that and he laughed. He accused me of all kinds of things. I mean I was an A+ student and Chris had been struggling all year. Surely that was a clear sign. But the head scoffed at me."
"'How do I know you haven't been cheating all year?' he said. ’After all, you've brought false accusations about other students before. I know you girls think you are all feminist but you have a history of sleeping with the male students so you can get help with your work. This has even gone way beyond that.'
"I was almost in tears by that stage. I wanted to be sick. I'd just found out that the only boyfriend I'd ever had was a fraud. He'd done this on purpose. I'd been destroyed. The uni had a strong policy on plagiarism and I faced expulsion. I almost choked on the unfairness of it. If I'd suspected for a minute that he was doing this to me, I'd have been more careful but I had nothing. No proof of my innocence. I'd been so stupid.
"As I left that guy's office and walked across the Quad, I saw Chris standing with the other guys, the ones who'd threatened to rape me, like they'd been waiting for me to leave the department head's office. Chris looked at me and laughed. Then they high-fived each other. The bunch of them had been in cahoots all along. It was a huge joke to them and I meant nothing. My whole life and everything I'd worked for had been destroyed just because of their frail little egos.
"There was nothing else for it but to drop out."
Tex held me tight in his arms for a long time. He didn't say anything, which was what I wanted. What I hadn't said, hadn't been able to put into words, was how destroyed I'd been after that happened. While I'd never been much of a party person, I had made some effort to go out and make friends at university. I'd grown and become stronger, like a flourishing weed. Little had I known I'd been growing in manure. All that confidence had been knocked out of me and I’d been left trampled.
For a year or so, I'd barely come out of my bedroom. I'd sit up all night, unable to sleep just watching old movies or reading old books. I couldn't even let anything new into my life. I needed things that were predictable. I never got dressed and never left the house. If I did, people would want to interact with me and that was the last thing I wanted. I created a safe bubble around myself.
Eventually, I got so that I could do things around the house. It made me feel a little better to be able to help out, doing the housework and admin jobs while Mum and Dad were busy with work. But I never wanted to leave the house or meet people or put myself at risk.
I taught myself to program apps and that kept me focussed on something other than myself.
Pretty much, since that day at uni, I'd barely left the house until I started working for Tex. And then I'd only done it because I'd had no other choice.
"That guy, Chris, was in the meeting. He works for them. That's why I freaked."
"You should've told me. I'd have made him sorry."
I turned my face to Tex.
"You can't do that. You'll just get yourself into trouble...”
"I could hire someone else to do it."
"It’s not just him. It’s not something you can beat up," I whispered more to myself than anything.
Tex held me until he fell asleep. In the quiet of the night, I slipped out of bed and got in the shower. I scrubbed and scrubbed but I couldn't stop my skin from crawling.
CHAPTER SEVEN - TEX
Hannah called and said she wanted to meet with me. I knew that was coming. Even though Ruby had protested and fought against me, I couldn’t leave her alone. When I'd picked her up from that office, she'd been a wreck. I had no idea what had happened to her there but she was so pale and could barely walk. She just cowered like a beaten dog, too scared to let anyone approach her.
When she got home, I made her rest and even cooked up some soup for her but she was still weak as a kitten. Sure she tried to cover it but I wasn't falling for those tricks again. I'd made up my mind to stay with her and nothing she could say would stop that. She was the number one priority in my life and I put her before anything. Sure, there would be fans who'd be bitterly disappointed when we cancelled but they'd get over it. Hell, I'd even do a free show for them at a later date if that would fix things.
I knew Hannah would bust my arse though. I might be the weakest bastard in the world but I sent her a text rather than call her so that might give her time to calm down before she started on me.
"I don't want to be a burden on you," Ruby said but she didn't realise that looking out for her would never be a burden.
I cherished her. I didn't need money. I didn't need fame. I needed her. She was my Ruby Red and if she ever asked me to quit playing, I'd happily hang up my guitar. But she'd never ask.
The truth of it was that even if I did turn up at that stupid festival, I'd have put in the most half-arsed performance of my life. I knew that.
She sat, propped up in bed, looking so pale against the padded bedhead. I'd convinced her it was past the point of no return and she'd been pissy about that but at least that put a bit of fire in her.
I was shocked when Ruby told me her story. I wasn't sure what I could say but I wanted to make it all better for her. I'd hunt that guy down and skin him alive but she'd made me promise not to interfere. Still, I wondered if I could do something. That boss guy had given me his phone number because he wanted me to let him know if Ruby was okay. I could talk to him.
Ruby would kill me but I wanted to tell him that she could never work for him. I didn't want him bugging her about it. I'd keep her close to me. Hell, I'd invent a job for her so that she didn't feel like she was sponging off me. Although she could sponge all she wanted.
As I expected, the fallout from cancelling the festival appearance was NOT pretty. Both Brownie and Devon had cracked the shits with me.
Brownie turned up for rehearsal but he wasn't his usual jovial self.
"How are things?" I asked.
"Okay," he answered, fiddling with his drum kit as though it was the most fascinating thing in the world.
"I've got a new song, it's nearly finished. I think it's going to be a hit."
Brownie just shrugged. The studio seemed hardly big enough for the two of us. I picked up my guitar, playing around with the tune for the new song and wondered where the hell Devon was. Things would be back to normal once we started playing.
Then my phone beeped. A message from Devon saying he didn't see the point of rehearsing. Just the kind of bitch move I expected from him.
Then Hannah arrived and Brownie disappeared so fast, he left a cloud of dust in his wake. It was pretty damn obvious he didn't want to be around for what she had to say.
"Is it easier to do this here?" she said, looking around at the empty studio.
Ruby had headed to the office we’d set up at the house, saying she wanted to work on something so she'd be shut up with her laptop all day. It'd be safe to take this inside where we could sit down. I took her into the kitchen and we sat down at the table.
"Okay," said Hannah. "Damage control. This situation is not good. There's been some very negative press and a lot of bitching on social media. I don't need to tell you. I'm sure you can figure it out. We need to fix this."
I nodded. I wasn't sure what we could do to fix things but I'd do what I could so long as Ruby was left out of it.
"So, what do I need to do?" I asked.
"First, I need to have your word that you are going to meet your commitments. You have a month of festival appearances coming up. Have you given any thought to how you'll deal with that?"
That had been on the list of top 10 things I'd been giving thoughts to. I coul
dn't leave Ruby alone. Not for a month. She needed me with her. She sure as hell was in no state to travel with me though.
If her parents had stuck around, it'd have been one thing but with them overseas as well, I didn't feel comfortable leaving her on her own.
"If you want to cancel, I need to know up front. The loss of fees I can handle but this type of thing screws my reputation. It doesn't just impact on you and the rest of the band but on all the bands on my roster. I can't have that happen. Are you going to do these shows? Yes or no?"
She focused her gaze on me. Hannah was a scary woman sometimes. That gaze was like a laser beam cutting into my soul.
I couldn't dick her around. There was only one answer.
CHAPTER EIGHT - RUBY
I hadn't been online for a while and I had a bunch of emails from my friend, CJ. I wasn't sure what to say to her. I didn't want to talk about the kidnapping and all that. How do you even start to talk about something like that? I wrote a response then deleted it. Then I tried again but couldn't really concentrate. Something upstairs creaked. There was no one upstairs. I knew that. Tex had gone out to the studio to meet the guys for rehearsal. I was in the house alone. It must have been the house settling. I'm not sure what the settling was about but that's what people said. I heard it again.
If I jumped every time I heard a noise, I'd get nothing done. I got out my headphones and listened to music instead. It was then that I realised my office had been set up so that I had my back to the door. Someone could creep in and attack me while I remained totally oblivious. I shuddered. I wouldn't even hear anyone walking in the house if I had my headphones on.
And Tex never locked the back door. He was in the studio without his key so he couldn’t get back in if I locked it.
If I interrupted their practice by taking his key out to him, he'd be pissy and I'd have to explain why I was there, which would make me look like a fool. I couldn't work in that room though. Not while I had those thoughts.
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