by Abby Ayles
The formation of the trees, the rolling hills, the few houses they passed—they were all those of home. He would know them anywhere.
The carriage fairly skidded to a halt as they pulled up. John tipped the driver generously for his trouble. The man had ridden the horses hard all day. It took skill to drive so quickly without overturning a carriage or getting a wheel stuck.
“If you enter through the servants’ quarters you shall have a good meal and a bed for the night,” John told him. “Be sure to let them know their lord sent you and you will be well taken care of.”
The driver thanked him, but John was already moving to help the ladies out.
Emma was first. Her face was almost white in the lamplight. “Go on up to him, I shall be there in a moment.”
Miss Natalie emerged next. He had to take her hands to help her out of the carriage. He could not help but squeeze them slightly. Miss Natalie squeezed back, her blue eyes warm and reassuring.
“My sister and I shall manage ourselves quite nicely,” she told him. “Go to him.”
“But—”
“I think I must learn how to manage the servants here anyway,” Miss Natalie teased. “If this is to be my home then I must find my own way around it. Go on. Do not trouble yourself about me.”
He wanted to protest that it was impossible for him to not trouble himself about her. It felt as though his every other thought was about her. It was as impossible to not worry about her as it was to not require food or sleep.
But this was not the time for such romantic declarations. Even if Miss Natalie would have welcomed such declarations.
“Thank you,” was all that he said. All that was appropriate to say.
Miss Natalie smiled at him. “It will be all right,” she promised him.
He wished that he could believe her.
Chapter 33
Natalie watched as Lord Ridgecleff hurried into the house.
It felt as though her heart was going with him. She wished that she could join him. Sit with him. But it was not her place.
She could see the gratefulness in his eyes. It tried to trick her. Not on any fault of his, of course. It was her own foolish heart.
It tried to tell her that he truly cared about her when all that he felt was understandable gratitude. Lord Ridgecleff was gripped by fear for his father. Of course he would lap up and welcome any support that he received.
No, this wasn’t about her right now. This wasn’t about false hope. This was about doing whatever she could to help Lord Ridgecleff.
“We ought to go up to bed,” Louisa said.
Natalie shook her head. There was no way that she was going to go to sleep while Lord Ridgecleff was going to be up. He might need her. She didn’t know how. He might not want her at all. But she would rather be awake and have Lord Ridgecleff not need her than the other way around.
“You cannot possibly stay up,” Louisa replied.
“I have stayed up until many an early hour at a ball,” Natalie replied. “Why should I not do the same now?”
“You will have nothing to do but sit,” Louisa warned.
“Then I shall sit.”
Natalie squared her shoulders and Louisa sighed, wilting before the determination she saw in her sister’s eyes. “Very well. If you insist. But I am going to bed.”
Louisa gave her a small, fond smile. “I do love you and you are my sister but I’m afraid my affection does not extend to staying up all hours struggling to keep awake.”
“No, you should go to bed,” Natalie replied. “There is no point in you staying up. You ought to get some rest.”
“You need rest as well.”
“But I might be needed. I see no reason why you will be.”
“I see no reason why you should be needed either,” Louisa pointed out.
Natalie could not fully articulate it herself. All she knew was how Lord Ridgecleff had been the entire drive home. It had been as though the carriage was a prison to him.
She wanted to be readily available. Just in case.
The servants helped to carry up the luggage and Natalie settled herself in the library. She had a fire drawn up and some tea brought. She did feel bad about that bit, except the servants assured her they were already awake. They were expecting the master’s son and daughter back home at any time and half of them were up taking care of the master in any case.
Natalie sat herself down on one of the chairs. She had a bit of tea and some cold food to refresh her. She had a warm fire.
Now what to do?
She looked around. Well, she was in a library after all.
It was always difficult when reading to Lord Ridgecleff. Not that she was illiterate. But if she had never read the book before she could be tripped up by the words that were coming.
Perhaps if she read one or two that she would later read to him she would be better prepared. She could make the story sound better that way.
Natalie picked a couple of books off the shelf and settled down to read.
It wasn’t…her favorite pastime. She would choose dancing or a game of cards over reading, any day. But she had grown to not detest it as she once had. She kept finding things she wanted to read aloud to Lord Ridgecleff.
She found a throw that she tucked over herself to add some more warmth. The book was a bit interesting, but she found herself struggling to keep her eyes open.
Funny, wasn’t it, how traveling made one so tired. She hadn’t done anything except sit. Yet she felt exhausted.
It was just from worrying about Lord Ridgecleff and Miss Ridgecleff all day. That was all. She simply had to push through it.
As she continued to read, however, she couldn’t keep her eyelids from feeling heavy…
She ended up curled up, asleep, in front of the fire, the book still open in her lap.
Chapter 34
John hurried up to his father’s bedroom. He took the steps two at a time, not caring that it was undignified.
Emma was right behind him, her hands full of her skirt as she held it up so that she might move quickly. They said not a word to one another as they moved. John felt as though the entire household was holding its breath.
Edward was there when they entered the room. John felt no shame in hugging his brother. Poor Edward looked a wreck. He was pale, like Emma, with heavy circles under his red-rimmed eyes.
“How is he?” Emma asked, embracing Edward after John had pulled away. “Is he asleep?”
Edward nodded. “For now. He sleeps badly, lightly, only in fits and starts. The fever takes much strength from him.”
“What happened?” John asked.
Emma was already moving towards the bed. She sat down on the chair beside it. The chair, John was guessing, had been where Edward had been sitting all this time.
John looked at his brother. Edward sighed. “You know now that he has been ill for some time.”
John nodded. “Yes. He would not speak of it much to me. Insisted that he was fine. That I shouldn’t worry.”
“I think that he liked to tell himself that as well.” Edward looked over at where their father rested on the bed. “But there was a reason he called you back here.”
He looked back at John. “It’s partially simply failing health in general, the doctor said. Father’s old. His body has a hard time dealing with things now. He caught a chill some months back and I think that was the beginning of the end.
“This…I’m not sure. Perhaps it is something that has been quietly eating away at him and has now decided to rear its head.
“But in any case, he collapsed just yesterday. I fetched the doctor at once and had him brought to bed. Then I sent the letter for you.”
“I appreciate it.” There was nowhere else that John would rather be in such a circumstance.
“I feared that it would be too late by the time you returned home. He was quite feverish. I stayed with him the entire time.”
“You look exhausted,” John commented. “You sh
ould rest.”
Edward shook his head. “I should not like to risk it.”
“I will have you sent for if the final moments draw near. But you will collapse where you stand if you do not get some proper sleep.”
His brother had been up for nearly an entire day. Goodness even knew if he’d eaten during that time. The last thing John wanted was to finish worrying about his father only to have his brother then fall ill because he refused to take care of himself.
Edward maintained his stubborn look for a moment, then sighed. His shoulders slumped. “Very well. I shall retire to bed. But you will get me the moment that things seem to be taking a turn for the worst.”
“Of course. You have my word.”
John opened the door and made sure that Edward was actually heading down the hall to his room.
He then approached the bed.
Father was lying there quite still. It was awful to see him like that. Each breath seemed to be labored. He looked nothing like the powerful man that John had grown up with. The man with whom he had fought near-constantly.
John took a chair and pulled it up to the other side of the bed. Emma was still sitting, watching him breathe.
“You know it’s quite silly of me,” she whispered, “but when I was a child I thought that he should never die.
“Mother had died, of course, but Mother was so sweet. You remember. Father was so tough. It felt like his control over this estate was absolute.”
“It certainly did,” John said, smiling to remember. He had once thought his father was a king, when he was very little. It was just the way that Father carried himself.
“I thought that nobody that strong could ever die,” Emma said. “It just seemed not in their nature. Other people would give in. But not Father.”
She gave a kind of bittersweet huff of laughter. “I thought, if death were to come for him, he would turn away from it. Tell it to shoo and that it ought to have made an appointment.”
John could not help but laugh a little himself at the thought. It really did seem like something that Father would do. Demand that death make an appointment and chastise death for its lack of manners and impertinence.
Emma quickly dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief. “Of course, it’s silly. And I haven’t truly thought that for some time. But still it seems a shock.”
She took a deep breath, and when she next spoke, her voice was shaky. “I thought that he should at least live until I was married. Until I had a grandchild or two to give him.”
“I thought so as well,” John admitted.
He paused, thinking of his regrets.
“Emma…I wish to apologize.”
Emma looked up at him, startled. “What for?”
“For leaving you all for so long.” John forced himself to look her in the eye although shame made him want to turn away. “I had a quarrel with Father. It is true. But that led me to abandon my duties here and to abandon you and Edward as well. That was not fair to either of you.”
“You needed time to find yourself and to explore the world. It is understandable. Many young men do so.”
“But I left many things unsaid. I never specified when I would return. I did not write you as often as I should. And I…I let my pride keep me away. I should have sought reconciliation with Father. It should not have taken an ultimatum to bring me home.”
Emma reached across the bed to take his hand. “John. We have all been fools in one way or another. But there is no going back and changing the past. There is only the present moment.
“And that means that no good will come of living in the past either. In your mind. Do not think of how you have erred. Think of how you can do good in the present.”
John considered that.
Emma squeezed his hand. “There is still time yet to speak with Father. And you have not lost me. Nor have you lost Edward. Mountbank still stands. You have Miss Natalie. There is so much still to bring you joy and to look forward to. There is no need to berate yourself.
“If all you do is sit and feel your guilt, then you will be neglecting us still. You won’t be truly in the moment with us. So you must let that go. We do not blame you and so you should not blame yourself. But I shall start to blame you if you continue to rail against yourself and in doing so neglect to care for us now.”
John squeezed her hand back and offered her up a small smile. “I shall do my best.” He paused. “Tell me, when did my baby sister become so wise?”
“When she grew up,” Emma replied, releasing his hand and focusing again on their father. “Despite what you and Father continue to think, I am no longer a child. I am the same age as your Miss Natalie.”
John could not help the bitterness in his voice. “She is not mine.”
“Of course she is,” Emma replied. “She is your intended wife.”
“And yet she is not mine,” John repeated. “Although I am hers. For her to be truly mine she would have to love me.”
“You say you are hers,” Emma said.
“Yes.”
“Then you love her?”
It was not generally appropriate to speak of such tender feelings. But it was important, he felt, that his sister understand how such things might work. Her own heart would be on the line soon enough.
“Yes. I do not know exactly when my thoughts began to turn that way. But I know that my fondness for her grew to the point where I looked forward to seeing her every day. I began to wish for her presence.
“I found that she…that she lightened up my moods. That she made me smile. Even when I thought that I was not capable of it. She brightened up my day.”
Emma smiled lovingly. “I have noticed that as well. Edward and I have conferred on the matter. We were glad to see during the month that you two were together here…there was a rocky start. I did notice that. But you two grew to make one another happy. It made Edward and me happy to see you.”
John cleared his throat for want of anything better to do. He felt embarrassed. He hadn’t known that his infatuation was so obvious. Or that his initial dislike of Miss Natalie was picked up on by the others.
Emma gave him a chastising look. “Come now. You think that Edward, at least, was not made aware of the terms of your return? We knew that you two did not love one another when you first arrived here.
“Indeed, we wondered how long you had known one another. A few weeks? A day?” Emma raised an eyebrow at him.
“A few hours,” John admitted.
Emma laughed. “The soul of propriety, you are, dear brother. But Father put you in an unkind position.”
“He felt that he had no choice.”
“And you felt that you could not fairly oppose his verdict.”
“I suspect,” John said, “that you have been talking with Edward about this.”
Emma shrugged. “You know that he has only ever been the good son because you have been the obstinate one. He does not agree with Father on everything.”
“It appears I must have a talk with him as well.”
“You are trying to distract from the matter at hand.” Emma fixed him with a stern look. She looked quite a lot like Mother in that moment. “You have truly fallen for Miss Natalie.”
John sighed. He supposed he ought to have known that his sister would not let such a matter concerning romance rest. “Yes.”
“And you believe that she does not return your affections?”
“Why should she?” John countered. “I was distasteful to her in the beginning. My stern chastisement of her did not help matters.”
“I think you underestimate yourself,” Emma said softly.
John cleared his throat. He felt out of his depth. “All I know is what Miss Natalie is like. And what she would like in a partner. And that I am not those things.”
“I am not so certain,” Emma replied. “But have you spoken with her about this?”
John gave an undignified snort. “Why would I bother her with such things? You know that to speak fr
om the heart in such a manner is untoward. I would not wish to distress her. Especially when my feelings are not returned. It would be ungentlemanly of me.”
Emma looked unbearably frustrated. But then she calmed herself. “This is not the time or place to argue. I will say only that you ought to speak to her of what is in your heart. That is all.”
John did not know what to say to that. Instead he let the conversation die and sat with his father. Listened to his labored breathing. Prayed for his recovery.
Chapter 35
Natalie was awakened by someone gently shaking her shoulder.
She blinked, sitting up slowly. She had been asleep. Oh, no, she’d fallen asleep!
“Are you all right?”
She looked up to see Lord Ridgecleff looking down at her. He looked quite concerned. Tender, even. If she dared to use the word.
“I’m well, thank you,” she replied. “I must apologize. My intention was to wait up for you. To see if you needed anything. Not to fall asleep here rudely.”
“You have not given offense,” Lord Ridgecleff replied.
“The tea and things,” Natalie said, sitting up further. “I shall have the servants fetch you fresh ones. I was not sure how long you would be.”
“My father did not wake up,” Lord Ridgecleff said. “I will be checking on him again in a moment. Emma has at last agreed to go to bed.”
Natalie stood up, setting aside the throw she had been using as a blanket. “I thought I might read to you, or something.” She held up the book to show him. “To help you stay awake.”
Lord Ridgecleff looked surprised. Taken aback, even. “You are under no obligation—”
“Well of course I’m under no obligation,” Natalie replied. “And if you think I should act merely because of an obligation then you have not been paying attention these last few weeks.”
The corner of Lord Ridgecleff’s mouth turned upward, as though he were smiling in spite of himself.
