by Abby Ayles
“No,” he said softly. “I cannot imagine you doing anything that you did not truly wish to do.”
“Then allow me to sit up with you,” Natalie insisted. “You will need the company. And it will help you to stay awake.”
Lord Ridgecleff looked down at her with an odd expression. Natalie could not place it. It was something soft, yes. Perhaps even fond. But the light in his eyes…she could not name it.
It confused her. He confused her.
More dangerous, he confused her heart. Made her hope for things that she could not have.
“Very well,” Lord Ridgecleff said, conceding the point. “I suppose you may accompany me.”
“Let us get some tea into you first.” Natalie was not about to let him stay up all night without something. He had not eaten in hours. She could scarcely remember dinner.
Lord Ridgecleff sat down, looking a little dazed. He must be affronted with her manner, Natalie thought. Well, he could afford to be affronted when she was so insistent. But she would take his feeling of offense if it meant that he actually got some food and tea into him.
More tea was brought. Natalie sat as Lord Ridgecleff ate the cold food and drank a few cups. He seemed to realize how hungry he was only once the food and tea were in his mouth.
She kept up a steady stream of light narration. She talked about how nice the servants were to care for them at such odd hours and how she had gotten their names.
“I have written them down so that I will not forget them later,” she said. “I think it will be a polite gesture of goodwill when I am the new mistress to show that I have remembered their names.”
She talked a bit of the book she had been trying to read. She remarked upon the loveliness of the fire. She thanked him, again, for taking her to London and for being so lovely at Elizabeth’s wedding.
When he had finished and rose, she rose as well.
“You are a determined creature,” Lord Ridgecleff noted.
“It is a family trait,” Natalie replied. “We all five of us have an unusual amount of it.”
“I can see that,” he said. He smiled warmly at her. “Very well then. Shall we?”
She followed him upstairs to the master bedroom.
Someday, she thought, it would be her bedroom. Or, rather, their bedroom. She would have her own bedroom and could join her husband or have him join her as they saw fit.
She did look forward to having such a spacious and luxurious bedroom. It was only that she had not expected to have it so soon.
When Natalie had dared to let herself picture what life would be like after their marriage…
Well, she had not done it often. That was too close to hopefulness. But when she had, she had expected that they would have rooms in one of the wings. She had expected that her father-in-law would live for some time.
He had been ill, she knew, but he had seemed to be full of spirit. She would not have thought his illness anything more than a trifle. An irritation that was to be endured but certainly not something that could conquer him.
As Lord Ridgecleff opened the door to the room, however, Natalie could see just how frail the earl had become.
Her heart went out to him, and to his children. That would be her own father someday. Father had made his mistakes but he was still her family. She loved him. She would hate to see him like this.
How much would his poor children feel?
“Would you like a fire?” Natalie asked, at a loss for anything else to say. “Or would you like me to read to you?”
Lord Ridgecleff sat down in a chair that had been left beside the massive four-poster bed. It was an impressive room. Natalie could easily see the taste of the earl in its décor.
“You really do not have to accommodate me,” he told her. “You may simply sit if you wish.”
“I want to do what you wish,” Natalie replied.
How odd it was to say such a thing and to mean it, to really mean it. Why, just a month ago she never would have said such a thing to anyone, least of all Lord Ridgecleff.
Now she said it and meant it with all of her heart. Whatever would make him happy, she would do.
Lord Ridgecleff sighed. “You are being quite kind in all of this. I cannot thank you enough. But I admit that it grates upon me as a host that you, my guest, should avail yourself in this manner.”
“I am not the usual sort of guest,” Natalie reminded him. “I am engaged to you. Therefore, you should feel no guilt.”
She paused, trying to think of something to say that might help him.
At last she said,
“When my mother died, my sisters and I were very unfortunate. She died far away from us. I’m sure you’ve heard the general story.”
Lord Ridgecleff thought for a moment. “I believe she took a chill or some sort and died in the home of a childhood friend.”
Natalie nodded. There had been a few nasty rumors that Mother had been conducting an affair. But the man in question had always been as a brother to her. And her mother’s character—and love for her husband—were irrefutable.
“She rushed through bad weather because he had no family and she wished for him to be nursed by someone who knew him. She caught a chill. It was awful, to have her die so far away. We didn’t even get to say goodbye.
“What I am trying to say is that—even if the worst should happen—you have at least had a chance to be with him now. I think that it is best to rejoice in the small things. The good things. And one of those is that you have at the least a little time with him in which to say goodbye.”
Lord Ridgecleff looked at her, and Natalie shrugged. “I felt that perhaps you did not wish for platitudes about his getting better. Instead now, even if the worst does come to pass, you are prepared for it. And you can find some good in the worst, even.”
“That is a smart way of looking at it,” Lord Ridgecleff replied.
“There is good to be found in all things,” Natalie responded. “It is the job of the person who is not grieving to find those good things and show them to you.”
“You are doing that admirably,” Lord Ridgecleff said. “I am sorry about your mother.”
“It was many years ago,” Natalie replied.
This was true, and yet, her mother’s death had far-reaching implications. Her father’s gambling which had led to this entire mess was due to his grief over the passing of his wife. Natalie would never have had to become engaged had her father not gambled away his land and fortune to Lord Pettifer. And Father would not have done that had Mother been alive.
But the pain of her mother’s death was something that she had grown used to. She missed Mother. But she was used to missing her. It was something to which she had grown accustomed. One could grow accustomed to almost anything, Natalie imagined.
Still, even though she knew the pain of losing a parent faded…she did hope that the earl would live. Lord Ridgecleff looked nothing short of distraught as he looked at his father.
The earl himself was sleeping somewhat peacefully. His breathing was labored. And he was quite pale. Natalie could see the sweat from the fever.
“I shall get him a cloth,” she said, standing up and crossing to the wash basin.
“If you truly insist on staying up with him,” she added, “at least get yourself a more comfortable chair, my lord.”
Lord Ridgecleff made a sound that might have been laughter. Natalie had to hide her smile. She was terribly fond of him. It made her heart ache.
He replaced the chair he had been sitting in with one of the heavier but more comfortable armchairs. Natalie picked up the book she had been trying to read when she’d fallen asleep.
“Let the distracting begin,” she told him with a smile.
He smiled back at her. He seemed genuinely pleased to have her there, although surprised.
Natalie figured he must be surprised. People who did not love someone were always surprised when the other person thought of them. They did not think of the other person and
therefore, why should the other person think of them?
She shoved such unfortunate thoughts aside and began to read aloud.
After about half an hour, she felt a shift in the air of the room. She turned and saw that Lord Ridgecleff had fallen asleep in the chair.
She laughed quietly to herself. She would call the servants to have him carried to his room, but he would object to that. Neither did she dare wake him up. He needed the sleep.
Natalie got one of the throws from the foot of the bed and draped it carefully over him. Then she set the book aside, marking her place. She would read more of it to him in the morning.
Then she settled back in the chair. She dared not go to sleep again. Her inadvertent little nap had refreshed her and she did not feel at all like sleeping.
Besides, someone ought to keep watch, just in case.
She changed out the cloth on the earl’s forehead, dabbing away the sweat on his forehead.
The earl’s eyes opened, and she nearly dropped the cloth in surprise.
“My lord,” she whispered. She glanced over at Lord Ridgecleff, who was still asleep.
“Ah.” The earl smiled weakly. “Miss Natalie.”
She nodded. “Your son is asleep,” she told him. “You should be as well, my lord.”
The earl glanced over at his son. “He has been running himself ragged. You have not let him stay overlong at the balls, I hope?”
“My lord, he always wishes to leave before I do.” Natalie smiled. “I am the social one of the two of us.”
“I have a hard time believing that,” the earl replied. Natalie thought she detected traces of bitterness in his tone.
“My lord…if I might be so bold.” Natalie kept her voice low to avoid disturbing Lord Ridgecleff. “I think that you have underestimated your son.
“I did not appreciate him as much as I should have when we first met. Yet the things that I saw in him that I considered a detriment are, I think, the things that you would find valuable in him.
“I think that we have found a balance. And I have come to appreciate him. He is dedicated above all to his family and to his duty. He loves Mountbank with all of his heart. He cares naught for gossip or things said in ill thought, or without thought at all.
“He’s a responsible man. I did not appreciate that at first. But I have come to…”
Natalie took a deep breath. “I know it is…untoward. To speak of such things in bold language. But I have come to care for him for the very things that you think he lacks.
“He is responsible. He can even come across as lacking in entertainment because of it. He’s loyal. A gifted conversationalist.
“I think that…he is the most honorable man I have ever met. He has put up with such things from me…I know that you like me, my lord. And I am grateful for it. But I have at times behaved with impunity.
“Any lesser man would have given up on me. But he did not. He gave me another chance. And I—” Natalie took a deep breath. “I harbor feelings of the most gentle and intimate nature for your son. I think that you would come to have similar feelings, those tender feelings a father should have for his boy, if you were to but open your heart to them.”
The earl looked up at her, a spark of fondness in his eyes. “You are a daring one.”
“I have found I should not get far in life if I did not dare something,” Natalie replied.
The earl chuckled. “I suppose you are right in that. And perhaps you are right about my son. He caught you, after all.”
“I dare say, my lord, that you overestimate me.”
The earl shook his head. “Not a bit. You remind me very much of my late wife, you know. I have not told John as much. I think it would upset him. And by the time she had children she was much calmed down in manner.
“But she had a fire and a spirit in her. She kept me from becoming a tyrant.” The earl chuckled at Natalie’s expression. Some of her surprise must have shown on her face. “You think that I am not aware of my own faults?
“I am a stubborn man, I know. John is stubborn as well. Perhaps I should have been more tolerant of that. More aware of it. But my wife was always very good at, shall we say, making me aware of my missteps.
“It seems to me that you are well suited to doing that with my son. He is a stubborn man, as am I. And you, I suspect my dear, could use a little dampening yourself. You have your own temper I’m sure.”
Natalie smiled. “I’ve been told something of that nature from time to time.”
“Well then, there you have it.” The earl smiled at her weakly. She hated to see him like this. He looked so frail.
“You should rest,” Natalie told him. “Save your strength.”
The earl sighed. “I am perfectly aware of my health, Miss Natalie. I am not a fool. I know that it is time.”
“You shouldn’t say such things, my lord,” Natalie protested. “You may well make a full recovery. But not if you have those kinds of thoughts about it.”
“There is a difference, my dear, between optimism and denying the facts.” The earl sighed. “This has been coming for some time.”
“Your children will not like to hear you say that.”
“My children have to accept the truth of their father’s mortality eventually,” the earl said crankily.
Natalie did not allow him to irritate her. She merely smiled. “Well, given how their father is, I doubt they will take to it kindly.”
She bit her lip. “Perhaps, however this ends up, my lord, you might be kinder to your son. That is all that I ask. He is a good man. I think that you have underestimated him.”
The earl gave her a piercing look. Natalie stared right back at him and did not let him intimidate her. She had dealt with the advances of men on the dance floor. She had navigated the gossip of the ballroom.
The earl was a powerful man but at the end of the day he was still human. He was a sickly one as well. She would not be cowed by him, not with just a stern look.
After a moment the earl sighed. He seemed to deflate a bit and sink further into his pillows. “You are right. It is not easy for a man, especially an old one of my status, to admit that he might need…to do something like apologize.”
“It is not my place to question your behavior, my lord, I know that,” Natalie replied. “But it seems to me that a son cannot learn to respect his father if his father does not show him how by respecting his son.”
“You are a clever one,” the earl mused. “I hope that my son will have the intelligence to hold onto you.”
“He has me,” Natalie assured him. Whether Lord Ridgecleff wanted her was another matter altogether. But he had her heart.
“Very well. I shall think on what you have said.” The earl closed his eyes.
“Take some water,” Natalie insisted.
The earl watched her as she finished helping him drink and set the glass aside. “Yes,” he said, as if to himself. He nodded. “Yes.”
Natalie was not sure what exactly that meant. But she had the feeling that she had passed some great test.
She only hoped that her words would have an effect and that the earl would indeed try to apologize to Lord Ridgecleff.
She did not have an optimistic view of the earl’s health. Every breath seemed labored. It took him a long time to speak. His skin was hot, yet he shivered.
But if these were to be his last few days, then she hoped fervently they were at least good. She wanted him to spend his last couple of days the way that her mother had not: surrounded by family who loved him.
Her mother had been alone. She did not want the earl to be. And she did not want him to be wasting his last breaths arguing. She wanted him to spend them happy.
She settled back into her chair as the earl began to fall back asleep. She would keep watch. It was the least that she could do.
Chapter 36
John awoke for a moment in the night. He heard voices, low murmuring ones. He recognized them as his father and Miss Natalie.
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br /> But before he could understand what they were saying, he slipped back into sleep.
When he awoke again, it was with a start.
He was sitting in one of the comfortable armchairs by the bed. Someone had draped a throw over him.
His gaze went at once to his father. The earl was asleep. His breathing was still labored and it appeared that the cloth on his forehead had been changed out.
“Are you quite rested?” Miss Natalie asked.
John turned to see her sitting up, awake, in a chair of her own.
She smiled softly at him. “My inadvertent nap was enough for me, it seems. I thought it best someone keep watch.”
“You should have let me.”
“You needed the sleep. I would not disturb you when I could merely wake you if the need arose.”
He supposed that she had a point. Still, a part of his conscience did not sit well with the idea that he had slept while she had kept vigil. It was his father and not hers. Surely the responsibility was his.
But he was grateful to her. He had fallen asleep without even realizing it. His father had woken up at some point. John knew that he had heard their voices. He would have been in no state to care for him. But Natalie had.
Natalie had looked after his father when it was far from her responsibility.
John smiled at her. “Thank you. I suppose that I did and I’m grateful to you for it.”
She looked taken aback. “I must admit, my lord, I thought to find some obstinance in you about this.”
“I did consider that. But then I thought it would be an inconsiderate way to thank you for your kindness.”
“My kindness? Careful, my lord. Or I shall start to believe that you actually think highly of me.”
The tone was teasing but her eyes were sad as she said it. John startled internally. Did she think that he did not think well of her? Had he not made his growing regard known?
The thought of Miss Natalie laboring under the assumption that he still thought ill of her upset him greatly.
He stood up, partially so that he might stretch. But also partially so that he might impress upon her the seriousness of his next words.
