Miss Shumway Waves a Wand

by James Hadley Chase

  “Didn’t I tell you I was susceptible to your feminine lure, you beautiful butterfly? I don’t need kidnapping at the point of a gun,” I said, watching her closely because I didn’t like the efficient, almost careless way she handled the automatic. From that range a slug from that pop-gun could make me awfully unhappy.

  “Mr. Kruger wants to see you,” she said indifferently. “I thought you might not be anxious to come.”

  “What, not see Peppi?” I said. “You don’t know me. He’s a guy I dream about. I want his autograph and I’ll wear his old clothes.”

  “Very funny,” she said, .her eyes darkening. “You’ll laugh the other side of your face before long.”

  “Don’t threaten me,” I returned, smiling at her. “Peppi wants to give me a job. I was going to call him anyway.”

  She put the automatic on top of her bag and folded her long, slim fingers over it. Its barrel still pointed at me, but she had taken her finger off the trigger and that gave me more confidence. “You want to be sure to pick someone smaller than yourself next time you start fighting,” she said, eyeing my bruises.

  “Never mind that,” I said, relaxing. “You know it was a dumb trick to pick me up outside police headquarters. Both from Peppi’s and my own point of view. It’s not the smartest thing to let the cops know that we are interested in each other.”

  “What do you mean?” She looked searchingly at me.

  “I’ve been turned loose, but I’m willing to bet my last pair of socks that I’ve got a load of law tailing me and I’ll be tailed from now on.”

  I’d hit the right note. She looked alarmed.

  “Tailing you?” she repeated and looked hastily through the little rear window.

  There was a lot of traffic on the road and she didn’t see any particular car that attracted attention.

  But the movement was enough for me. I had her gun before she knew what I was doing. I put it in my pocket. “You’ll excuse me,” I said. “But that heater made me nervous.”

  She sat glowering at me.

  “And now,” I went on. “Let’s be sensible. Tell the driver to take us to my apartment. I want to talk to you.”

  “You can talk here,” she said, her voice off key.

  “Don’t be a dope,” I said sharply. “You’ve had your fun. I’m going to have mine.” I leaned forward and told the driver my address. “And make it snappy, Happy,” I added.

  He made no move to change direction, but kept on towards Fifth Avenue.

  “One of your boys?” I said, looking at her.

  She didn’t say anything, but I could see I was right. I took her automatic out of my pocket and rammed it into the driver’s neck. “Maybe you didn’t hear me the first time,” I said.

  He swung off the main street and I sat back.

  “You’ll pay for this,” she said angrily.

  “Be smart,” I returned. “Look back now,” and I indicated a large black car sitting on our tail. “That’s the law, and let me tell you something: I’m tied up in a murder case. If they think Peppi’s in on this, they’ll take him apart just for the fun of it.”

  I could see she didn’t know what to think.

  “You don’t have to get your girdle twisted,” I went on. “I just want to have a little talk with you, then I’ll go over and see Peppi. But, before I do, I’ve got to shake these coppers.”

  Neither of us said anything until we reached my apartment, then as she got out of the taxi I cautioned her, “Don’t make a fuss,” I said, “just go straight in.”

  The driver, a thin, weedy youth looked at her enquiringly but she crossed the sidewalk without saying anything to him and entered my apartment. I gave him a half a buck. “Tell Peppi I’ll be along in a little while,” I said, and left him staring after me.

  As Lydia and I entered the apartment house the big black car swept by. I caught a glimpse of Clancy, looking back through the window then I shut the front door quietly.

  “Sit down and make yourself at home,” I said, waving to the armchair.

  She faced me. “What do you want?” she demanded angrily. Her cobalt blue eyes were dark and the lines of her mouth hard.

  I took her arm and shoved her gently into the chair. “I want to talk to you,” I said and stood over her. “Ansell was murdered this afternoon. He was killed by a girl who’s impersonating Myra Shumway.”

  “He was killed by Myra Shumway,” Lydia said softly. “Well, anyway that told me where we stood.

  “Where is she?” I asked.

  “With Mr. Kruger.”

  “The other one’s with him too?”

  “There’s no other one.”

  “Oh yes there is,” I said grimly. “This talk’s off the record. Neither of us have witnesses and I want to get things clear.”

  “There’s no other one,” she repeated.

  “Okay, there’s no other one. What is Kruger going to do with her?”

  “He’ll tell you when he sees you.”

  “That’s what he wants to see me about?”

  “Why did she kill Doc. Ansell?”

  “You’d better ask her that yourself.”

  “You tell me.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  I pushed myself off the table and wandered to the window. There was a guy on the opposite side of the street, hiding behind a newspaper. He had copper written all over him from his hard hat to his fiat feet. I turned back to Lydia.

  “Where does Andasca come into all this?”

  “You’d better let me go,” she said suddenly, gathering up her bag and gloves. “This has gone on long enough.”

  “So it has,” I said. “So it has.”

  I didn’t like doing it, but the idea only occurred to me as she stood up. It was one of those ideas that come like a bolt from the blue and are so good that you’ve just got to play them without thinking.

  I hit her on the point of her chin with a short tight. I’ll swear she never felt it and she was on the floor before I had regained my balance.

  I knelt beside her, lifted her eyelid. She was out for a long count. Well, if Peppi had Myra, I certainly had Lydia. In playing with a rat like Peppi it was just as good to have one of his toys if he had one of yours.

  I took a quick gander out of the window. The copper was still there. That was going to make things difficult but not impossible.

  I went into the bathroom and found a long roll of adhesive tape. Then I came back into the sitting room and taped Lydia’s hands and ankles. I gagged her with my best silk handkerchief and put her on the sofa.

  Then I lit a cigarette and did some thinking. The moment Peppi knew I had her .he’d send a bunch of strongarrns to my apartment. So she’d have to be moved from here. The question was where could I put her? And when I’d found the right place, how was I going to get her out with that copper nesting on my doorstep?

  This certainly called for a little thought.

  There was the back way out of the apartment block. But, I guessed there’d be a copper watching that too. I went into the kitchen and looked out into the alley. I was right. A big beefy man loitered at the entrance of the alley.

  How I was to get out of this building with Lydia and not be seen baffled me. I couldn’t imagine her going with me willingly, now that I had dipped her. And to carry her out with the law looking on just wouldn’t do.

  I had to work fast. I had to get her out of the place before the taxi driver could wise Peppi up that I’d taken her gun and forced her into my apartment. In a way, the cops guarding both entrances prevented Peppi sending a bunch of toughs to beat me up. That was about the only consolation I had.

  I wandered upstairs, trying to think of a way out. I went into my room, saw nothing to give me an idea and wandered out into Myra’s room.

  It was lucky I did. Propped up in a corner was a life-size dummy of a girl, modelled along Myra’s lines. It was a prop she used as a magician and it gave me an idea.

  The dummy was in an evening dress and w
as made so that it could stand up or sit down. I went over to it and lifted it. It wasn’t heavy.

  I carried it down into the sitting room and laid it by Lydia’s side.

  Then I had another look at the copper standing out in front. I’d never seen him before and that meant he wouldn’t be familiar with my looks.

  Then I went into my room and selected a light suit in contrast to the one I had been wearing, dug out a slouch hat which I jammed over my eyes. Then I went over to the bed and stripped off the two sheets and went downstairs again.

  In the room there was a small, round table, the top of which measured about a foot and a half in diameter. This would just suit my purpose. I got a screwdriver and took it apart.

  Then I sat on the floor and swapped a table leg behind each of Lydia’s knees with adhesive tape. I strapped the other two legs to her body.

  I stood her up. The wooden table legs kept her rigid and that was just what I wanted. Putting her back on the floor, I took off her shoes and went into the kitchen where I found some long screws. I screwed her shoes to the table top. Then with some difficulty I put the shoes on her feet again and laced them securely.

  Then I stood her up again and stepped away from her. She looked like a wax dummy on its stand that you see in any dressmaker’s shop.

  All this had taken about ten minutes and I had to hurry. I put some more adhesive tape round her mouth and fastened her arms to the table legs. I didn’t think, if she did come to the surface, she could move or attract attention.

  Then I covered her with one of the sheets and tied the sheet round her waist with a length of string. I did exactly the same with the dummy.

  Side by side, under the sheets, you couldn’t tell which was the dummy and which was Lydia.

  Now the tricky part of the business began. The apartment house was divided into wings. We lived in the West wing and each wing was connected by a long corridor. There were four entrances all leading out to the same street, so the copper who was watching outside could see all entrances at once.

  But I reasoned this way. He saw me go in with Lydia by the West entrance. He knew I was wearing a dark suit. I had to hope that if I came out of the North entrance with a light suit on he might not connect me with the guy he saw going in the West entrance. Anyway, that was how I had to play it.

  I picked Lydia up under one arm and the dummy under the other. Together they were plenty heavy, but I managed. I walked out of my apartment down the corridor, until I came to the North hall. I left Lydia and the dummy there and giving my bat another jerk over my face, I walked out into the street.

  I felt as if every eye in the police force were watching me. I glanced right and left. The cop, who’d parked himself outside the West entrance was moving slowly towards me. He wasn’t suspicious, but I guess he just wanted to make sure.

  I turned and walked very slowly towards him. I saw him hesitate and then turn back to the West entrance. Who said that attack wasn’t the best form of defence?

  I looked back over my shoulder and then paused on the curb. When a taxi passed, I yelled and the driver crammed on his brakes.

  As he nailed the taxi beside me, a patrolman wandered past. He looked at me casually and I took a chance.

  “Hey, officer!” I called, moving towards him, “I want some help and your protection.”

  He looked puzzled, but his face brightened when he saw the five bucks I was folding carefully. That’s one language all cops understand.

  “Sure,” he said. “Any little thing.”

  I slipped him the dough. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the copper who had been watching the West wing suddenly show interest in what was going on. He began to move towards me.

  I grabbed the patrolman’s arm, “Come in, officer,” I said, leading him into the lobby. “This is a gag. I’ve got a couple of dummies to put in my pal’s bed. I’ve been waiting to get even with him for some time and his wife’s a jealous woman.”

  While I was speaking I’d got him up to Lydia and the dummy. I took the dummy and opened up the sheet so that he could see the papier mâché face. “Doesn’t she look like the real thing?” I asked.

  He gaped at it. “You’re going to put that in some guy’s bed?” he said, astonished.

  “I’m going to do a lot better than that,” I told him, “I’m going to put both of them in a guy’s bed.”

  I thought he’d break a blood vessel. I haven’t seen a guy laugh so much in years. All the time he was smacking his leg and bellowing I had to stand by and pretend I enjoyed the joke. But I was losing weight every second wondering if Lydia was coming to the surface and whether if she moved he’d spot her.

  “Give me a hand,” I urged, when he stopped laughing to mop his eyes, and I shoved the dummy into his arms. “Will you put her in the taxi? If the driver sees this without the law around he’ll think I’m kidnapping someone. And listen, don’t let your lack of chivalry take advantage of a lady who can’t protect herself.”

  That set him off again. He gathered the dummy up in his arms. “Do you waltz, madam?” he asked, and then locking at me he said, “Her breath smelts of Scotch.”

  “What of It?” I demanded, “you’d smell of something too it you were as stiff as she is.”

  “Yeah,” he said, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and he staggered out into the Street, snorting with mirth.

  I grabbed Lydia, who stirred as I picked her up. I felt the sweat running down my back, but I had to go through with it. Moving fast, I joined the patrolman by the taxi.

  At that second, the copper drifted up and stood looking at us with a disapproving eye.

  “What goes on?” he demanded, staring at the two shrouded figures and then at the patrolman.

  “Well, if it ain’t O’Hara,” the patrolman said, losing his good humoured expression. “Holy Moses! Don’t I ever get any privacy on my beat?”

  “I’m on a special job,” O’Hara said. “What have you got there?”

  “You look after your special job,” the patrolman said shortly. “I’m just helping this guy kidnap a couple of dames,” and he began laughing again.

  Both O’Hara and the taxi-driver were staring now with eyes like door-knobs.

  I tried to edge round O’Hara and get into the taxi, but he was too near the door and I couldn’t quite make it. I was scared of attracting his attention. Up to now he hadn’t even looked at me.

  “Kidnapping?” he repeated stupidly, “I don’t get it. That’s a Federal offence.”

  The patrolman turned to me, “This guy started the rumour that dicks were dumb,” he said, and went off into another spluttering guffaw.

  O’Hara began to get mad. He turned on me. “What the hell is this?” he demanded. “What have you got here?”

  “Show him, officer,” I said, trying to smile. “We shouldn’t keep it to ourselves. He might run us in.”

  “These are dummies, you big sap,” the patrolman said to O’Hara. “This guy’s going to put them into his pal’s bed. Ain’t that funny?”

  “Dummies?” O’Hare repeated blankly. “How do you know they’re dummies?”

  “What the hell else do you think they are… corpses?” The patrolman began to get heated,

  “Are you nuts? Think I’d help get corpses in a cab?”

  “You might do anything,” O’Hara said, darkly. “I’ve heard things about you.”

  The patrolman thrust the dummy into my arms and clenched his fists. “Yeah?” he said, pushing his face into O’Hara’s. “What kind of things?”

  “Never mind what kind of things,” O’Hara returned airily. “But I’ve heard enough to know you ain’t so hot.”

  Lydia stirred in my arms and then she made a small grunting noise.

  Both O’Hara and the patrolman stopped glaring at each other and turned to me.

  “That was the cucumber I had for dinner,” I said hurriedly.

  “Well, you cut out eating cucumber,” O’Hare said, “I don’t like that kind of noi
se.”

  “Why shouldn’t the guy eat cucumber?” the patrolman demanded fiercely. “Who the hell do you think you are?”

  O’Hara scowled, “I know who I am,” he said with a sneer, “that’s more than I can say for some people.”

  By this time, the taxi-driver was losing patience. “Listen, you guys,” he said plaintively, “are you using this cab or ain’t you?”

  Both O’Hara and the patrolman rounded on him.

  “You stick around and like it,” the patrolman snarled. “We’ll tell you when we’re ready, see?”

  The driver began to tremble with temper, “I ain’t scared of a couple of coppers,” he said. O’Hara turned his attention to me. “How do I know they’re dummies?” he demanded, fixing me with a cold eye.

  I suddenly lost my own temper and shoved the dummy at him. “Look and see,” I said angrily, “I’m getting fed up with this. I ask this officer to give me a hand and the whole damned police force has to come along and shoot its mouth off.”

  “Yeah,” the patrolman said, ranging himself on my side, “what he says is right.”

  O’Hara felt the dummy gingerly, took a peep at its face and seemed satisfied. “Well, it’s a crazy trick, anyway,” he said, handing the dummy back to the patrolman.

  “Who wants your opinion?” I said, opening the cab door.

  As I began putting Lydia into the cab, she grunted again.

  O’Hara said, “Cucumber, huh?”

  I looked back over my shoulder, “You must be psychic,” I said and got into the cab.

  “Just a minute,” O’Hara said, pushing forward, “I want to look at the other dummy.”

  That nearly brought me out in a rash.

  “If you think I’m going to unpack this just to satisfy your curiosity, you’re crazy,” I said, slamming the door.

  “Leave him alone,” the patrolman said, “you pain in the neck.”

  I could see O’Hara was determined. He yanked open the door again. “I’m seeing that other dummy,” he said between his teeth, “and if you start anything, I’ll take you to the station.”

  I got out of the cab again. At least, it would give me a chance to run.