by S Doyle
“Jaaaaaaake.”
“Come on baby, come for me. Just let go.”
And then she did. I could feel her body jerk. The tug of her pussy squeezing my fingers. Her soft cries as the pleasure overtook her. It was unlike any other sexual experience I had ever had.
I held her as she came down from the pleasure of it. I held her as she started to cry softly. I held her until I knew she was asleep. Then I forced myself to get out of the bed and lay down on the floor next to her instead.
I did that because I liked holding her too damn much.
Soundlessly, I moved the fingers I’d used to make her come under my nose and inhaled.
I think that’s when I knew I was completely and totally fucked.
Ellie
I woke up feeling as if someone had taken all the joy out of the world. Wow, this sucked. I couldn’t believe people actually chose to take drugs like that if the aftereffect was this.
I guess the same could be true of drinking and a hangover. I had never had a hangover, so I couldn’t be certain.
Cautiously I looked over the side of my bed. The blanket and pillows were gone. So was Jake.
I tried to wrap my head around what happened between us and how I felt about it. It was going to be super awkward to see him, that was for sure. Also not exactly up on the sexual etiquette of what to do the day after you begged someone to make you come.
Was a thank you enough? Should I be thinking more along the lines of a gift?
What I wasn’t thinking about… Bobby.
Or at least not thinking much about him.
Truthfully, there was a certain comfort in doing that with Jake. Yes, this thing had happened. He’d touched me. He’d put his fingers inside me. Made me come. It was all super intense. Although in some ways it had seemed… okay. Even right.
At the end of the day, there was no one I trusted more. Who respected me more. Jake wouldn’t tease me or taunt me with my confession. He wouldn’t use what he’d done to press anything between us. He was the one who understood how powerful sex could be and why we needed to be careful about it.
I understood that better. The physical pleasure of what he’d done to me had been awesome. Amazing. I really hoped now that I’d crossed that barrier I would be able to figure out how to do it myself.
But it was the intimacy of it all, I thought, that was really profound. Feeling his arms around me, hearing his voice close to my ear. It was like he’d completely wiped away the horrible memory of what Bobby had done by replacing it with a caring and devoted Jake.
If we’d been having sex since June, when I wanted to change our relationship, and he decided at some point he wanted out of the marriage—it would be as devastating as a real divorce for me.
Which meant I needed to move forward with my plan sooner rather than later. Because knowing what it was like to be held by him, to be pleasured by him… I shivered. It was only going to get worse.
I pushed myself out of bed and forced myself through my morning ritual, much like I had through my nightly one. I needed coffee though, if I was going to work up the energy for a shower, and I couldn’t help but think the caffeine would help clear this funk I was in.
Downstairs, Jake was sitting at the kitchen table reading one of his scintillating (not—so boring) animal husbandry magazines.
“Hey,” I said, standing in the doorway of the kitchen, hesitant of what his mood would be.
Come on baby, come for me.
The words were suddenly there in my head. His breath in my ear. The way he made my body feel. I might have been drugged, but obviously I hadn’t forgotten anything about last night. I could feel my cheeks flame.
He looked concerned. Not aroused. Sure. Because he hadn’t wanted to do that to me. Not really.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Like I’ve swallowed everyone else’s sadness.”
He huffed. “It’s the…”
“Drug. I figured.”
“More water,” he grunted.
I did as he suggested, because if water would fix this I would gladly drink a gallon of it. Then I got my cup of coffee and sat down across from him.
He was looking at me again, only this time I could see it in his expression. We’d moved on from the physical impact of the drug to something else.
“So… awkward much?”
“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “Is it?”
I glanced up at him. He was still just Jake. My Jake. That hadn’t changed.
“Maybe not as bad I thought.”
“Good. You’re… okay then with… what happened?”
I nodded.
“You don’t think I took advantage…”
“No,” I stopped him. “If anything I’m the one who… you know, who took advantage.”
“You didn’t,” he said tightly. “We both know what it was about. We can leave it at that.”
“Right. Let’s blame the drug,” I offered.
He seemed to like that idea because his eyes got wider. “Yes. It was… the drug.”
I nodded, then bit my lip, remembering all the stuff I’d said to him.
“Sorry for all the begging and pleading.”
He actually managed a tight chuckle. “Trust me. Guys like the begging and the pleading… at least in bed.”
“Uh… thank you for the… you know. It was good.”
His mouth got tight, but he said nothing in response to that.
“I understand… better now,” I continued. “Why you wanted to keep things platonic. It’s super intimate. Us splitting up is going to be hard enough. For both of us, I think.”
He didn’t say anything to that either.
“Anyway. Thanks again. For the Bobby thing, too. You’re always saving me.”
Another grunt.
Then it occurred to me. “Wait? Why were you there? It felt like I called your name and you just popped out of the door like my own version of Superman.”
“I was bored, so I thought I would stop by Pete’s and have a beer. Then if you needed a ride home, you wouldn’t have to worry about drinking. I was… just pulling up to the bar when Chrissy called me. Said you were acting funny and you had only had one glass of wine. I had a feeling… I told you to watch yourself around Bobby.”
Here it was. Now that the threat was over, it was lecture time.
“I know. I didn’t think he was… I mean I knew he was a jerk, but I never thought... Never once…”
“It might have been my fault,” Jake muttered.
“Your fault. How?”
“I told him he wasn’t good enough for you. He might have seen that as… a challenge. I don’t know. Some kind of payback against me. It doesn’t matter. He’s going to jail for it. You should go up and take your shower. Then we’re heading into town to talk to Sheriff Barling.”
I knew it was the right thing to do. But I also knew the reality of the situation. Sarah Parker, who was two years ahead of me in school, got super drunk at a bonfire. She said Jeff Tillerson raped her and no one did anything about it. Jeff said she consented and it was his word against hers.
This was going to be the same thing. Yes, my blood sample would indicate I was drugged, but all Bobby had to say was that I took the drug willingly. Still, at least by going to the sheriff everyone in town would know. Riverbend liked its gossip. If it came down to people believing me or Bobby, I had to think people would be on my side. At the very least this would also make every other girl in town cautious around him.
Jake slammed the door of the truck closed and I winced.
“That is such total and complete horseshit!”
It wasn’t funny. At all. Still, I couldn’t help but smile a little at Jake’s outrage.
Our meeting with Sheriff Barling went as I suspected. While he believed me, there would need to be a witness who saw Bobby intentionally spiking my drink without my knowledge. Sheriff Barling would talk to Pete, who had been working the bar last night, as well as anybod
y else who he could find who was there. But unless someone actually saw what Bobby did and came forward, there was not enough evidence to actually charge him for a crime.
“He almost… he almost….”
“Don’t say it,” I said, patting Jake on arm. “I can’t stand the word.”
“How come you’re taking this so calmly?”
“Because he didn’t get away with it. You beat the shit out of him, everyone in town is going to know what a creep he is, and I’m a feminist, remember? I’m well versed in the fact that one of the atrocities in this country is that violence against women is often difficult to prove in court.”
“I’m going to kill him.”
“You’re not going to kill him, Jake. In fact you’re lucky he didn’t press assault charges against you.”
He was practically growling now.
“Thank you for sticking up for me.”
“This is wrong.”
“Sing it, sister.” I raised my fist in the air.
More growling.
“Let’s go home. You remember what Dad always used to say. A ranch can’t run itself.”
“Your father would have killed him.”
I considered that. My father would have liked to have killed Bobby. That’s for sure. But my father had way more of a hair-trigger temper than Jake did. Jake was always the reasonable and calm one. The guy who could talk two guys down from a fight.
I had never seen him like he was last night. As violent as he was. I remembered thinking if I didn’t stop him he would have beaten Bobby indefinitely.
“Jake, if you go to jail for murder think what that would do to Wyatt? He’d be devastated.”
More growling.
We were both quiet for a while when he asked me, “Ellie, do you need to talk to someone? You know you can tell me anything and I’ll listen, but if you need someone else. Someone who understands…”
“You mean a therapist? Riverbend doesn’t have a shrink, Jake. You know that.”
“You have a car, Ellie. You can go where you need.”
I knew that. I just didn’t know if I needed a therapist. I didn’t feel traumatized. Obviously there wasn’t anything sexually messed up with me or I wouldn’t have been begging Jake to get me off last night. If anything I was super pissed. That I was stupid enough to fall for Bobby’s forgive me bullshit.
“I think I’m okay, Jake.”
He reached over and grabbed my hand. “You’ll let me know if you’re not.”
I squeezed his back. Looking down at it, at his fingers and thumb, I thought about what he’d been doing with that hand last night, and I quickly let it go.
He must have guessed where I was going with that too, because he shifted in the car seat and I could see that the muscle at the back of his jaw was flexing.
Yes, it was time to act on the plan.
Fourteen
Ellie
November
I got back from the appointment in town with Howard and tried to predict Jake’s reaction. The good news was I didn’t have to use the nuclear option. Which was putting the ranch up for sale. The bad news was there was no magic clause in the trust that would let me break it early.
However, what Howard did find were these companies that would buy out the trust my dad had set up for me with my mom’s life insurance money. Meaning they take twenty-five percent of the total, but I get my money now. Howard discouraged it as not a financially sound move, but knowing the amount it would leave me with was more than enough to do what I needed to do, the decision was easy.
Twenty- five percent to free Jake was definitely worth it.
I could have told Jake what I was trying to do, but any time I thought about it I kept coming back to the idea that it was better if I presented it to him as already being done.
This way he couldn’t talk me out of it. Because, not going to lie, it probably would have been pretty easy to do. I had to remember I was doing this for him. Saving him for once, and it helped to keep me focused.
I officially signed the paperwork, and the money would be deposited in my account in three to five business days.
I came in the front door and made my way back to the kitchen, where I could hear him.
He was listening to some country music while he was stirring something in pot.
“Smells good.”
“Beef stew.”
“When did you learn how to make beef stew?”
“When I looked up on Google, how do you make beef stew. What’s in the bag?”
I pulled out the bottle of champagne I bought. To kind of make this a celebration.
His eyes narrowed. “How did you buy that?”
Right, because it was one thing to drink at Pete’s, but another thing to buy alcohol underage.
“I bought it from Pete. Told him I needed something to celebrate.”
“Celebrate what?”
I swallowed. I put the champagne down on the kitchen island, took my coat off, and tossed it on one of the kitchen chairs.
Then I couldn’t delay it any longer.
“Your freedom,” I said and tried to smile. I probably looked really lame.
“What does that mean?”
He was giving me his full attention. He turned the music off and put a lid on the stew.
“Okay, remember when I said that I could fix our problem? Well, I found a way and I did it.”
“What problem? Ellie, what are you talking about?”
“The only reason we stayed married was because of the money. I couldn’t give you what you needed to buy the land, and we needed to take the loan from the bank to save the ranch. I found a way around all that. We have the money now. We can get divorced. Whenever we want.”
I choked a little on the word divorce, but other than that I think it all came out as well as it could have.
He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me. “Ellie, what’s this about?”
“It’s about what I said. Getting a divorce, giving you your life back. It’s what you wanted.”
“What I wanted?” he asked quietly.
“When we had that fight and you said you were trapped and you hated me…”
“Damn it, is that what this is about? You said you accepted my apology,” he snapped at me.
“I did. I do. That’s not what matters, Jake. What you said was the truth. You are trapped and it would be really easy to resent me for that. I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t have you stay in a situation where you would even be able to think the word hate, much less actually feel that about me.”
“Ellie, I was pissed. Frustrated. I blew up. You said you were okay, but this whole time you weren’t? Talk about holding a grudge.”
Okay now I was starting to get pissed off. I was making this huge sacrifice for him and he was angry with me?
Immediately, I realized I needed to calm down. I was dropping what was a pretty big bombshell on him and it was going to take him time to process it. Eventually, he would see that I was right.
“This is not a grudge, Jake. Listen to me. We can’t do this for another two and a half years. I can’t not be jealous the next time there is another Carol…”
“There won’t be another Carol. That was a mistake.”
“Then what? You’re going to live like a monk for the next two and a half years? You were right. I can’t get into bed with you every night, have sex with you every night, and then watch you walk away. But I also can’t bear the thought of you being with anyone else. Or me, for that matter. That does make us trapped.”
“Why does this constantly have to be about sex, Ellie?”
“It’s not sex, Jake it’s us! We don’t know what we are. We’re not lovers. We’re not a couple. But we’re not just friends anymore. We’re in this weird limbo and it’s not sustainable. You are the most important person in my life. I’m the most important person in yours. I don’t want you to end up hating me.”
“I would never hate you,” he growled. “I was pis
sed. I said something I shouldn’t have. I thought it was over.”
I took a deep breath. I had to hit him with the hard punch. If only to get him to really hear what I was saying.
“Do you want to stay married to me? Forever?”
His mouth opened and then he snapped it closed.
I nodded. “You told me before when you married me, you thought it was temporary. You said sex would complicate everything between us and you were right. We’re at this place where if we don’t walk away, I think we’ll drive each other crazy with everything we’re not.”
“Walk away? Where the hell am I going to go? I don’t have a house, remember?”
This was the second part of the plan. I called it Phase II, a.k.a. Save My Sanity.
“I’ve been thinking and I decided I want to give college a try. I always knew that ranching would be my life, but I never expected for it to happen so soon. I’ve never gotten a chance to even think about wanting something else. Now that I have the money, I can do that. I can go to school, branch out a little, and you can live here until you have a chance to get your house fixed. I’ll hire someone to replace me in terms of what I was contributing work-wise, so you’re not stuck with it all. I can handle the books from school, but you’ll still need another pair of hands full time. Howard’s already put an ad in most of the ranching magazines for me.”
He didn’t interrupt my speech, which I thought was a good thing.
“That’s what you really want? To leave here and go to school?”
No, it wasn’t what I really wanted. But anything else was not fair to him.
“I think if we’re going to try and go back to being what we used to be to each other, we’re going to need space.”
“Space.”
He said the word like it was equivalent to shit.
“Okay. Then tell me what you think. What do you want?”
His jaw clenched. “It’s not about what I want, Ellie. It’s about what you want.”
“No. It isn’t. I asked you to save me, and you did. You lived up to your part of the bargain. Now we can end this. Why are you so angry about that?”
