Carrington's Letters

by Dora Carrington

  […] Last Monday Augustus John gave a party. We all went. It was great fun. And I enjoyed myself very much. Dancing vigorously. Last Wed. Mrs Gough [?] gave another party. And it was even better. Alix Sargant Florencefn35 (who I’ve painted a portrait of) lent me a topping Cossack dress and I was Belle of the Ball! Had great fun with Augustus John who fell completely to my charms. Also the great Horace Cole,fn36 of London fame. Besides lesser members of the army! I wish the dress belonged to me. I think I shall make myself one, si possible.

  Last Wed. Lytton’s little nephew and niece came up to London. So I had them to lunch here, and then we went to Maskelyne and Cook’s Mystery show. It was rather good. Some fearfully comic conjuring, and some wily young officers went up out of the audience to try and explore his horrid mystery – But with all their wiliness they were ‘done’.

  Do write to me soon again please. I should like an engraving of Moliere if you see one, or Madame du Chatelet in particular, Voltaire’s friend. Please. I will write again soon.

  Yrs affect. Doric

  Alix Sargant-Florence had been a lover of David Garnett and was now pursuing Lytton Strachey’s brother, James. After the Gower Street ménage broke up, she and Carrington shared a flat for a time in Soho and became very close friends. Meanwhile Gertler was becoming more and more suspicious and unhappy about the relationship between Carrington and Lytton; she realised she ought to bring their tormented love affair to an end. As she recorded in her diary on 13 April, they met at his Hampstead studio and had a painfully difficult talk.

  I became more and more wretched and wept […] I suddenly looked back at the long life we had had between us of mixed emotions but always warm, because of his intense love, and now I had to leave it all and go away […] His loneliness was awful […] He didn’t talk much, hardly at all about Lytton; only ‘– Will you live with him?’ ‘No.’ ‘But he may love you.’ ‘No, he will not.’ That I thought made it easier a little. He begged to be still friends and see me. But we both knew it could not be so and it was separation […] How very much I cared for him suddenly came upon me. The unreality, and coldness, of Lytton.

  Later that evening, she talked to Lytton and recorded their exchange.

  I thought I had better tell Mark as it was so difficult going on.

  Tell him what?

  That it couldn’t go on. So I just wrote and said it.

  What did you say in your letter?

  I thought you knew.

  What do you mean?

  I said that I was in love with you. I hope you don’t mind very much.

  But aren’t you being rather Romantic and are you certain?

  There’s nothing Romantic about it.

  What did Mark say?

  He was terribly upset.

  Did he seem angry with me?

  No. He didn’t mention you.

  But it’s too incongruous. I’m so old and diseased. I wish I was more able.

  That doesn’t matter.

  What do you mean? What do you think we had better do about the physical?

  Oh I don’t mind about that.

  That’s rather bad. You should. I thought you did care. What about those boys, when you were young?

  Oh that was just being young. Nothing.

  But do you mind me being rather physically attracted?

  I don’t think you are really.

  Why? Because of your sex?

  Yes partly. I don’t blame you. I knew it long ago and went into it deliberately …

  […]

  Then he sat on the floor with me and clasped my hands in his and let me kiss his mouth, all enmeshed in the brittle beard and my inside was as heavy as lead as I knew how miserable it was going to be.

  You will not mind spoiling me? Just this once tonight?

  Why are you so chaste?

  And then I knew that he would soon go.

  The misery at parting and my hatred of myself for caring so much. And at his callousness. He was so wise and just. Then he left and I went down later and talked long into the night with Alix. But there was no consolation. Still it was good to be able to talk of it.

  Despite deciding to part for ever, she met Gertler the next day and told him of her talk with Lytton. Gertler told her he never wanted to see her again, adding, ‘To think that after all these years you would love a man like Strachey twice your age and emaciated and old.’

  Carrington went back to Gower Street and Alix, feeling ‘as if my nose had been cut away’. She wrote to Gertler asking him not to tell all their friends. Their affair, and their letters, limped on.

  To Noel Carrington

  60 Frith Street, Soho W.

  [n.d. spring 1917?]

  My Dearest Noel,

  […] We moved here a week ago. And a very comfortable little home it is. Only rather noisy but an excellent housekeeper looks after us, & cooks. I have a bed sitting room, & a bathroom ajoining it.

  Alix occupies a big sitting room & a kitchen, & small bed room on her floor. But I can use the upstairs rooms also. The walls are rather decently handled only a vile green paint over everything. But it’s decent being so near the restaurants. & not having to bother about tramping miles to find a snack to eat. Like old Gower Street.

  I am quite well & trust you are the same. I spent last weekend at Garsington where I had not been since Xmas. The Lady Ottoline was quite decent & rather kindly. Madmoiselle who no doubt you have forgotten was still there, a rosebud of virtue. The Ex P. M. [Asquith] & MacKenna with their wives came over on Sunday so I talked to the Ex P. M. & instructed him into the mysteries of what constituted a good painting.fn37

  Mrs Mac was very pretty & young. But old MacKenna looked a rascal I thought and the Ex P. M. like a leery old grocer. I could write much on my indignation at such men controlling our country. But I will refrain […]

  Paul Nash is having a show of pictures which he drew at the front & sold quite a number the first day. Roger Fry gave me an order for a wood block for a book which I shall do this weekend. And next week I am going to paint a portrait of a Russian Poet, a Huzzar who I met last week.

  Your affec sister Doric

  During the late spring of 1917 Lytton moved in with Carrington in Frith Street for a brief period while Alix was away. She wrote about this time with him to Barbara Hiles, but these letters have been impossible to trace; Michael Holroyd copied some very brief extracts from them during his research for his biography of Strachey. These notes are included in Holroyd’s archive in the British Library.

  To Barbara Hiles

  60 Frith Street

  [n.d. May/June?]

  Lytton has been living with me this last week here since Wednesday. He went on Saturday evening to Durbins.fn38 So I am still so happy that I thought I would write to you. Just to inform you that I’ve never been so happy in my life before […] It was fun persuading Mrs Reekes, my housekeeper, that Lytton was my uncle. But I think the general uproar that went on in the early morning in his room rather upset her belief in me!

  To Barbara Hiles

  60 Frith Street

  [n.d. May/June?]

  You must not think I am unhappy. For I am often very happy only it is just that I cannot bear sometimes not seeing him even for a day.

  […] If it is fine I am going for a jaunt next week to Cambridge with him. Barbara I am so excited […]

  To Noel Carrington

  6 King’s Parade, Cambridge

  Saturday [summer 1917]

  […] Lytton came here on Wed, to stay with a fellow at Trinity, & asked me to come & stay also if I liked, which as I did like, I came. So he met me at the station & then proceeded with a second’s delay to pilot me over this city & all the colleges. I fear I am wavering a little in my affections to that past love of mine Oxford. Oh ever inconstant woman […] All Thurs I saw colleges. On Friday had a lovely picnic in Norton’s rooms & then explored more colleges with Lytton, & Fitz William Museum. In the afternoon walked to Granchester to see the Rectory where Rupert B
rooke used to live, & had tea in a lovely old orchard by the little River. Walked back by way of Newnham and went & saw Lytton’s sisterfn39 who is a Don there. Some contrast after the Cambridge College with their heavy oak ceilings, & general dinginess. The new buildings of Newnham with lovely little rosebuds of maidens in muslin frocks skipping about, & prattling. A few bottle-nosed bespectacled, blotched females of the suffragette style. But most of them very endearing creatures. Lytton’s sister was just giving one of the Rosebuds a lecture when we burst in! Then we had a grand spread at the Red Lion.

  I must say the officers training corps here, en passant, as they flood all the eating places, are the most vulgar, ill-bred, pimps that you ever saw. Also most of them about 38, very stout, & obviously ex-butchers! Then we walked in the gardens belonging to Trinity & read in his rooms […] I am having lunch tomorrow at Christs & in the afternoon teaing with the Female Dons of Newnham who incidently terrify me much more than any male Dons!

  I have enjoyed being here. Crikie what an idiot one was all these years never to do what one wanted to do just because of mother! How easy it is to come & stay away. When I get back I am going to work solidly. I admit I’ve been rioting rather much of late. So save your wind & don’t read me a moral lecture […] Dear, I wish you had been here. These creatures are very nice, but sometimes very old & crabbed. Especially when I want to go a long row on the river! What are you reading? My love to you dear.

  Yr affect sister Dora

  To Lytton Strachey

  60 Frith Street

  Friday, 10 August 1917

  Dearest Lytton,

  […] How blessed it was to see you again yesterday. I woke up this morning and found it difficult to believe. I was grieved about the spectacles and now I feel it will always happen until in the end you will forbid all advances! Hours were spent in front of the glass last night strapping the locks back, and trying to persuade myself that two cheeks like turnips on the top of a hoe bore some resemblance to a very well nourished youth of sixteen. It’s an alarming spectacle seeing one’s self side view. I hardly ever have before. But, dear, promise you’ll come even with a female Page for a companion. I think those cursed military authorities make the other rather more difficult, as the life of a village policeman is so dreary, that the sight of a fat cheeked Boy and German Bearded spy would throw him into a spasm of alertness and bring up all this stupidity surging into his gullet.

  I hope you were not wrecked after yesterday’s exertions […]

  James [Strachey] stayed, and conversed into the late night. He is your only serious rival you must know!

  But the probability of us both being arrested the first night, you¸ for the offence that I am not a disguised female, and me for the offence that I am! But one might find out first whether it is a criminal offence!

  My love to you and write today please.

  Yr loving Carrington

  Carrington and Lytton were planning another walk together, perhaps with her dressed as a boy, a game they both enjoyed. Meanwhile she had been asked by the Woolfs to design some woodcuts for their new venture, the Hogarth Press, which they set up in 1917 in the dining room of their house in Richmond.

  To Virginia Woolf

  60 Frith Street

  Wednesday, August 1917

  Dear Virginia,

  This is really an answer to Leonard’s letter, only addressed to you because I want to ask you if I might come a day or two, just before the 23rd to stay with you, or in the cottage with Willie, or the hay rick, if your house is overcrowded? as I am going to stay with the Charleston People on the 23rd. But it does not matter really. Thank Leonard for his instructions re the Lettering. I will try some soon. The man Lawrence who cuts my wood will get the size exact. Alix has just been in here on her way to you today – I have been painting hard all this week in Chelsea and not seen anything of the world. Except on Bank holiday when I went on the Heath, and rushed up and down in swing boats and round on the whirly-gigs.

  Next week my brother is getting leave, so I am going on a walking expedition with him.We are rather vague as to what part of England to explore. I am in favour of the Berkshire Downs. Barbara is just back from Charleston. I am going to cut you some paper cover designs on linoleum, which is easy to cut, and cheap. Don’t you miss your printing very much?fn40 There is a press just opposite us in Frith Street. I love watching the men and small boy apprentices setting up the type, and printing off with marvellously rapidity on the sheets of paper. I hope you are well. Please remember me to Leonard.

  Yrs affect,

  Carrington

  To Lytton Strachey

  Hurstbourne Tarrant

  Thursday, 6 o’ck [18 October 1917]

  And you are sitting in your room, toasting your feet in front of an empty grate, surrounded by your legions of paper knights and horsemen. Oh it’s wretched having lost you and not to have you tonight to talk to. Dearest Lytton I can never thank you enough for these weeks. I did not realize how happy I had been until this evening. It’s strangely beautiful here with the drooping beech trees and apples lying in the wet grass – But more melancholy and autumnal than a graveyard. If you were only here, and so many wishes. You have spoilt me far too long and now I feel as if suddenly I had walked into a greenhouse in the winter. For in the paper I saw the first thing on the red clothed table when I came in, Teddy’s death. It was a year ago and now they announce it officially. It’s rather worse being here with all his books and things about, and where I saw him last and the remoteness of my parents. Forgive me for writing but I wanted you so badly. One is not even left alone to cry. Dearest Lytton I love you so much.

  Carrington

  Cast down by the official announcement of her brother’s death, Carrington was also unnerved by a letter from Mark Gertler: ‘I am afraid that your passion for LS estranges me more and more from you. I can’t stomach it at all. It’s poisoning my feelings and belief in you.’ She instantly set about reeling him in, while continuing the search for a house to share with Lytton in the country. Under the impression it was a joint venture with Barbara, her mother drew her attention to some promising particulars.

  To Lytton Strachey

  Hurstbourne Tarrant, 1 mile from Pangbourne

  Friday morning [19 October 1917]

  The Mill House, Tidmarsh

  Old fashioned House.

  grounds over 1 acre small orchard

  Hall, 3 recpt rooms, kitchen etc.

  Electric Light. 6 bedrooms, boxroom.

  Bath H & C

  Rent £52 3 years lease.

  Nr. Church & P. O. London 65 mins.

  Mother gave it to me with an order to view which she had received. I’ve just telephoned the agents and it’s still to let, so will go over tomorrow and see it. Sounds too good to be alright! Will look at Peasemore and Stanmore en route …

  Please write soon.

  Mopsa

  To Lytton Strachey

  Tea shop, Newbury

  Friday, 3 o’ck [Saturday, 20 October 1917]

  Dear,

  I’ve just been to all three houses. But Tidmarsh Mill it is to be. It’s very romantic and lovely.

  Vast Big rooms, 3 in number,

  2 Very big bedrooms and 4 others,

  Bathroom; water closet;

  very good garden and a shady grass lawn

  with river running through it.

  The house is very old with gables and some lattice windows. It is joining on to the Mill. A charming miller showed me over it. Very well built in good condition. The miller said one could get people, old hags from village. More apple trees, fruit trees, vegetables. 2 miles from Theale Station 1 mile Pangbourne […] Oliverfn41 etc must go and see Tidmarsh on Tuesday. Electric light in every room. I’m wildly excited. Hooray!

  Will write again in detail.

  Carrington

  To Mark Gertler

  60 Frith Street

  Thursday [October 1917]

  I was glad to hear from you. Last night
I had dinner with Monty and had a long talk with him. And he told me about your pictures, and how that you were happier. Lawrence and Kotelianskyfn42 came in also later. Good old Kot! How charming he is. Lawrence was in a great state at being expelled from Cornwall, and obviously could think and talk of nothing else and had a great contempt for Monty and the world in general. Afterwards I went back to Gordon Square where I am staying as Frith Street is too awful and Alix was in occupation in my room. But she didn’t like being there alone because of the raidsfn43 so came to Gordon Square also. At 11.30 a raid started, and went on till 2.30. We sat downstairs with the maids. Alix’s heart is so bad, I was rather nervous about her. She was obviously very ill, and frightened. Maynard lay in bed upstairs, and went to sleep and never moved! An extraordinary man!

  […] London’s a beastly place after the country, crowded with hideous people, prostitutes, and debased soldiers, and so grey and gloomy, and then the beauty of the night torn to pieces by these guns and bombs. I long to rush away! And envy you your retreat, and good Brett by your side. Ruth [Selby-Bigge, formerly Humphries]fn44 is in London, but so occupied I can’t get her although I telephone 6 times a day! Thus is one treated by one’s ancient loves! Poor Monty was very sad without you, and glad to have me to talk to I think about you. What a nice person he is. I can’t write you a long letter about myself for I’ve such a bad head and feel so sleepy, and in a few minutes I’ve got to go, and teach that little brute of a Joan Laking.fn45 But dear I’m so glad to know you are friendly. Of course I am!

  Love Carrington

  To Mark Gertler

  Hurstbourne Tarrant

  Sunday afternoon [November 1917]

  Dearest Mark,

  […] No, I’m not going away with Lytton! But my people are leaving Hampshire, and are going to live in a town, Cheltenham. So I’ve got to go home for a little while, when they move to help them and take away my goods and furniture.

  Then I’ll be back again in London all the winter I expect. It will be good to see you tomorrow. I am going to do Jack Hutchinson a wood block now. Ruth is impossible to see. Is not it maddening, a whole week and she can’t find a minute to come to me! UGH! as the book says. The devil take her relations and Government work which she does in her folly.