The Christmas Room

by Catherine Anderson

  Afterward they lay tangled together, utterly spent and absolutely content.

  “Ah, Kirstie, that was amazing,” he whispered. “Can I come back tomorrow night?”

  She kissed his shoulder. “If you don’t, I’ll come find you.”

  As they both recovered from their exhaustion, they began to talk, Kirstin about the rigors of her day, and Cam about her father.

  “Things are so much better between us now,” he murmured. “We’re almost there, man to man, no more bullshit between us. But Sam still has a wall up that prevents me from feeling as if we’re actually friends.”

  Kirstin rubbed his chest lightly, loving the way the mat of hair curled over her fingertips. “In my opinion, you’ve scaled the equivalent of Mount Everest with my dad. Just hang in there, Cam. I think he still feels a little threatened by you. He’ll get over that in time.”

  “I think so, too,” he told her. “And I’m really happy about that. I’ve moved way beyond thinking of you as a mere possibility in my life. My son likes you—if he doesn’t already love you. And I know my mom thinks highly of you. She also seems to get along fine with your dad. I see no more hurdles in the way for us.”

  Kirstin heard a troubled note in his voice. “That’s a good thing. Right?”

  Cam sighed, his expulsion of breath stirring strands of her hair. “I’m just worried about my mom’s relationship with Sam. They seem almost too friendly for my peace of mind.”

  Kirstin tried to read his expression in the dimness. “Why is that a bad thing? I think it’d be perfect if they got together.”

  Cam stiffened. “Together? I’m not sure I can handle that. I guess I’m not ready for another man to take my father’s place. The whole idea gets my back up. Sam’s a strong, honest, hardworking man. But I’m not sure I want my mother to be with him. No offense, Kirstie, but I know he can be impossible sometimes.”

  “He can be, yes,” she admitted.

  “And nobody can fill my father’s shoes, not in my mind. Yet I can sense that my mom is softening toward Sam, maybe even needing him in some way I can’t fulfill. It bugs me.” He kissed her forehead. “I know it’s probably silly of me. It’s just that I’ve worked so hard to be her rock. I haven’t made her the absolute center of my life, but I sure as hell have been a pillar of support for her. Why does she need anyone else?”

  Kirstin tucked her face against his shoulder and smiled. With her voice muffled against his skin, she said, “Cam, I hate to say this, but you’re starting to sound a lot like my father.”

  “What?”

  She couldn’t help but laugh at his horrified tone of voice. “Possessive, a bit jealous, and afraid of being usurped.” She patted his shoulder. “I don’t mean it’s a bad thing. I guess it’s a natural way to feel when you’ve loved someone faithfully and that person suddenly turns toward someone else. Can I tell you a story?”

  “Oh, man.”

  She chuckled again. “It’s a good story about when I was a little girl. Mom would cuddle me up and say that she loved me more than she loved anybody else in the whole world. I loved hearing that, but one day when I grew a little older my heart jerked, and I asked my mother how she could love me more than she loved Daddy. Mama laughed and jostled me. And I’ll never forget what she said. ‘My heart has beautiful corners, and on each of them is a name. One of them is named Kirstin, and in that corner of my heart, I love you more than I love anybody else in the whole world. Another corner of my heart is named Daddy, and in that corner of my heart, I love him more than I love anyone else. So you don’t need to worry about that. I love both you and Daddy more than I love anyone else in the whole, wide world.’ At that age, I was comforted by that answer, and I still am. Love has no boundaries. You need to understand that your mom can love another man in his corner of her heart. That will never diminish how much she loved your father, or how much she loves you and Caleb.”

  Cam wasn’t so sure. It still irked him somehow that his mom seemed to be falling for Sam. But as Cam fell asleep in Kirstin’s arms, he thought about the corners of his own heart. Caleb had complete ownership of one, and in that corner, Cam loved that kid with every fiber of his being. Nobody could ever take any part of that love away from his son. Cam had assigned another corner of his heart to Maddie. She reigned as queen there. And now he had opened up yet another corner for Kirstin, where she was becoming the most important person in the world to him.

  How could that be? How could he love three people so completely? As he drifted off, Cam realized that Annie Conacher had been right. Love had no boundaries.

  Now Cam just had to learn how to love Sam.

  • • •

  Sam treasured the late nights with Maddie even though sitting up with her deprived him of much-needed sleep. He felt as if he could talk with her and say almost anything. She often challenged him to think about things differently. They’d developed a habit of sitting together on his sectional at night to talk after all the kids had gone to bed. Tonight Sam had invited her to join him in his den on the sofa, a conscious decision on Sam’s part so that Cam would think everyone had gone to bed and feel free to slip away to visit Kirstin. He liked to think that meant that he’d grown as a person, one of Maddie’s favorite things to say when she was praising him.

  Sam enjoyed draping his arm over her shoulders and pulling her close while they chatted. She never failed to remind him that she wasn’t looking for a physical relationship. He always laughed and said he knew all about her dead unit and wasn’t angling for intimacy. Friends could go out to dinner and see a film. Friends could also be physically close without sex being part of it.

  And tonight Sam realized that he meant it. Cam and Kirstin were young, and it was natural for sexual activities to be at the heart of their relationship, but Sam had already enjoyed that part of his life. At his age, he could still go for some sparks, but he could also be satisfied with mere physical affection. Maddie was as soft and warm as a pillow. When he looked into her wise gaze, he knew she understood him in a way no one else did. And he also understood her. She wasn’t a twentysomething bikini girl anymore. She was embarrassed about her body. He was good with that, because Maddie had so much more to offer him than sex. She had become his friend, his sounding board, and his voice of sanity. He couldn’t help but think Annie was in heaven clapping her hands, so glad that Sam had found this woman. Not the love of his life, he reminded himself. He’d never love anyone again the way he’d loved Annie. It hurt too much when you lost someone you cared about that much. But somehow he’d come to care about Maddie in a way he’d never expected.

  Sometimes while he was with Maddie he felt as if he were being unfaithful to Annie. He wished he could ask Maddie if she ever felt that way, but it was a taboo subject. The last thing she wanted was for Sam to love her that way.

  Only Sam was starting to. She was nothing like Annie. Maddie never came on to him. When they talked, she never fussed with her hair or seemed to worry about how she looked. When she was under the weather, she didn’t even bother with the usual touches of makeup and looked as if a vampire had just drained her dry.

  Sam had asked repeatedly if she was sick. She always denied it, saying she was absolutely fine, but his heart always squeezed when she claimed that. He wanted to believe her, but a part of him still worried. Maddie wasn’t a liar, though. In fact, she was one of the most honest people he’d ever met. So Sam had forced himself to set aside his concerns about her health. She was getting up there in years. As was he. Some mornings he wondered how he would make it through another day of working like a man half his age. Getting older wasn’t easy. Maddie had bad days, and so did he. It went with the territory.

  “Have I mentioned that tomorrow is Halloween?” she asked him.

  After she’d been so sick over the weekend, Sam had no clue how she could dredge up excitement about a commercialized holiday that hadn’t been on his radar sinc
e his wife’s death. “Yep. You mentioned it.” About a dozen times. “Don’t overdo it tomorrow, though. That virus kicked your ass. I’ve seen white pillowcases with more color than you have right now.”

  She smiled and leaned her head against his arm again. “By tomorrow I’ll be full of vinegar. Can you come home a little early? We always have a family party on Halloween night, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to continue with our tradition.”

  Sam could have gotten more excited about a root canal. “Sure. What kind of family party?”

  “Well, it’s always nice to have a lovely early dinner before the little kids start ringing the doorbell. I like to have the kitchen all tidy before they come so I can enjoy how cute they look. And I think Kirstin wants to officially celebrate Cam’s big ranch sale.” She looked up at him with those guileless blue eyes. “Thank you for that, by the way. I know it wouldn’t have happened for him if you hadn’t done damage control. I haven’t properly expressed my appreciation.”

  Sam felt uncomfortable for more than one reason, but he focused on the damage control. “All I did was tell the truth about him, Maddie. I honestly thought I’d done that the first time around, but eventually I realized that he was a lot better man than I’d believed him to be.”

  “And it takes a good man to publicly admit he was wrong.” She lightly punched his ribs. “Don’t spoil my thank-you with a bunch of your macho bullshit.”

  “There you go again, cussing like a sailor. How is that fair? I cleaned up my language, and now you’re cussing.”

  She smiled. “What’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander.”

  “Ah, I see. So you live by a double standard.”

  She flapped her hand. “Get out of here, Sam Conacher. I rarely use bad language. Only when it gets my point across.”

  “But you led me to believe you’re as pure as new snow.”

  She laughed, and a hint of color came into her pale cheeks. “At my age? What were you smoking?”

  “Now you’re telling me you know about smoking dope?”

  “Anyone alive in our country hears about that. It doesn’t mean I’ve ever done it.”

  “Thank the good Lord. I’ve fired so many damned potheads that I’ve lost track.”

  “From what I’ve heard, you fired a lot of good hands who weren’t potheads.”

  Sam sighed. “Yeah, that, too.”

  “Have you ever thought about calling them and trying to make amends? You could plead temporary insanity.”

  “Stop trying to fix me, Maddie.”

  “Why? From where I’m standing, you need some reprogramming.”

  • • •

  Sam made it a point to get home early the next day even though he’d lose his ass if he couldn’t get all his cattle off that damned grazing land. He’d thought about it all day, and he did need some reprogramming. He hadn’t celebrated Halloween with his daughter in seven years. Annie had been at death’s door when Halloween came just days before she took her last breath. The next year, he had been in no mood to celebrate holidays, a pattern he had established the prior Christmas, when he’d wanted to hang a black wreath on the door and shake his fist at God.

  This year he would celebrate Halloween and smile if it killed him.

  When Sam walked in the door, he found Kirstin and Maddie in the kitchen making popcorn balls and packaging individually wrapped candies. He doffed his hat and jacket to sit at one end of the table. He enjoyed watching the preparations. The large house seemed smaller and cozier somehow, and the air was redolent with a mixture of the rich smells of caramel and Gabriella’s cooking, the most mouthwatering of those the yeasty sweetness of homemade dinner rolls. He felt as if the Conacher Ranch was coming alive again.

  When the large wicker basket was filled with goodies to later be distributed to children who wouldn’t come, Kirstin and Maddie jumped in to help Gabriella finish dinner, and Cam, using only one crutch to help stabilize his leg, commandeered the stove to create a brandy sauce for the steaks. It fell to Caleb to set the table. Sam decided to help the boy and noted that there were too many plates. Seconds later, the mystery of that was solved when Miguel and Rickie arrived for the party. Sam hadn’t thought to invite the Alvarez family to join them, but apparently someone else had. Miguel was a good man, and his loyalty had been a godsend to Sam. He and his family were welcome at Sam’s table anytime.

  The mood was festive as they gathered to eat. Kirstin smiled at Miguel and said, “Would you do us the honor of leading us in the meal blessing?”

  That had always been Sam’s job, but he’d pretty much stopped praying. It wasn’t that he no longer believed, but more that he was still mentally shaking his fist at God. So he was happy to have Miguel take charge.

  Everyone raved over Cam’s steak sauce and laughed when Caleb said, “Just don’t distract Dad when he’s reducing it. The world comes close to ending if it separates.”

  Kirstin lifted her wineglass and proposed a toast to Cam for breaking into the ranch market in such a huge way. “Congratulations, Cam! May this be your first sale of many!”

  After sharing good food and conversation, the latter of which felt odd to Sam because he now mostly ate in silence, all the diners helped to clean up the kitchen. Sam and Caleb, armed with dish towels, dried all the pots and pans.

  When all was tidy and shiny again, Caleb turned on the porch light to welcome little goblins. He and Kirstin put on simple costumes: Kirstin’s a witch’s robe and hat, Caleb posing as a warlock with a black mustache and bushy eyebrows that reminded Sam of his own. Rickie had nothing special to wear, but he seemed excited to participate. They sat at the small breakfast bar near the basket, ready to greet children.

  Sam occupied his recliner. He didn’t miss that Kirstin kept glancing at the entry hall with a worried look on her face. He guessed that she knew the doorbell might not ring. His mind went back in time to when little raps had come on the door and Annie and Kirstin had fussed over the kids in their costumes. Mentally, Sam started to squirm. He knew damned well that no visitors would show up, and his daughter probably did, too.

  Midway through the evening, everyone began to realize that the following school day would prevent any grade-schoolers from arriving so late. Caleb, apparently disappointed that he hadn’t been able to play his role as a warlock, rubbed his hands together and grinned wickedly at the basket.

  “Come on, Rickie! All this means is that there’s more for us!”

  Gabriella, sitting beside Miguel on the love seat and sipping warm cider, called, “Rickie, no too mucho. You be náuseas.”

  Sam was impressed. He was starting to understand the woman. “Gabriella, how you say, go outside and hump the horse?”

  “Sam,” Maddie said from her place on the sofa. Her tone was scolding.

  Gabriella laughed and flapped her hand. “Senor Conacher bad, bad, bad español.”

  Miguel curled his arm around his wife. “She’s doing good at her studies.”

  Rickie called out from the bar, “I’m helping with her spelling. Dad’s mostly teaching her how to cuss.”

  Maddie got up to raid the basket. Cam went over in his wheelchair so he wouldn’t miss out. Kirstin playfully slapped his hand aside to pick her treat first. The popcorn balls were a favorite. Maddie beamed because it was her recipe.

  Sam wanted nothing. The main activity of the evening, giving out candy, had been a total flop, and it was entirely his fault. He didn’t wish to remember why, but his brain worked despite his reluctance to allow the thoughts in. The Halloween following Annie’s death had come only a few days after her passing, and he’d been angry at the world. When parents drove up with their kids to let them knock on his door, Sam had totally lost it. He yelled at the children and told them to get the fuck off his porch. Now no parents brought their youngsters onto his land, and for good reason. He’d acted like such
an ass that night. Kirstin had cried and run to her room, and she’d barely spoken to him the next day.

  Feeling ashamed, Sam watched Maddie unwrap her popcorn ball and take a huge bite. He’d screamed at little kids and driven them off his porch. He’d hated them and their parents for being happy when his heart was breaking. A part of him still understood that man. But he’d also moved forward now and made progress.

  The Alvarez family thanked Sam for having them and then bundled up in their winter wear to head home. After they left, Caleb went upstairs to practice on his violin. The awful noises still reminded Sam of two cats fighting. Kirstin helped tidy up the treat mess and left. Sam knew Cam would probably throttle his wheelchair to high speed and follow her. But first he’d dream up a reason so Sam wouldn’t know he was boinking his daughter.

  “I think I’ll go over to Kirstin’s for a while,” he said. “She made mulled wine and asked me over for a nightcap.”

  Sam shifted in his chair. “That sounds delicious. Do you like mulled wine, Maddie?”

  His eldest houseguest gave him a look that could have pulverized granite, and Sam, biting back a grin, settled against the cushioned leather. “Um, I guess not. We’ll settle for a boring glass of white wine.”

  Cam looked vastly relieved. He glanced at his mother. “Will you tell Caleb that I’ll be back in a bit?”

  Maddie nodded. “But take your time and enjoy yourself. Caleb no longer needs his father to tuck him in.”

  When Cam had made his way out onto the porch and the entry door closed behind him, Sam vacated his recliner to join Maddie on the couch.

  “You did that on purpose,” she accused as he sat beside her.

  “Hell, yes. I’m allowing him to have sex with my little girl. That doesn’t mean I have to make it easy for him.”

  “Actually, you paved his way by making that pathway to her house.”