The Christmas Room

by Catherine Anderson

  Kirstin had filled a tub with ice and beer, but few of the men went for it. Realizing her mistake, because all of them were chilled to the bone, she filled mugs with hot coffee and set out cream and sugar. That went so fast that she had to make more coffee.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Maddie met so many men that she promptly forgot most of their names. One exception was Frankie Johnson. She’d never forget him and could only hope he’d retained some of the spelling rules Emma had drilled into him.

  Fascinated by all the male humans that had invaded the house, Maddie leaned against a kitchen counter with a glass of white wine and just watched them interact. They were a jovial lot, and once they warmed up, they descended upon Kirstin’s tub of cold beer. They elbowed and patted one another on the back with unnecessary force. Even Sam was laughing and occasionally horsing around. It did Maddie’s heart good to see him renewing old friendships. She couldn’t take her eyes off him.

  A wave of guilt washed over her, but she pushed it away. She would always love Graham, but now she had equally strong feelings for Sam. It was confusing, but she couldn’t sort it out right now. Later, when she was alone, she couldn’t avoid doing that any longer.

  The men sat around the table or commandeered spare chairs while they ate. Maddie heard a lot of “remember when” and rowdy guffaws. She decided it was a healing time for all of them. Women would just hug one another, apologize, and cry. Men had to jostle one another, crack jokes, and pretend their feelings didn’t run deep. Maddie felt so glad for Sam. He needed friends back in his life. She felt absurdly proud that she had played a part in bringing about this reunion.

  One of the men was half the age of the others, probably around thirty-five, like Cam. He shoveled some mashed potatoes into his mouth, swallowed, and glanced at Sam. “I sure would like to work on this ranch again, Sam. Not as your manager or anything. I know that Miguel and Kirstin share that position now. But I’m still a good man with horses and cattle.”

  Sam smiled. “Well, Jake, I can always find work for you to do around here. Come see me tomorrow, and I’ll hire you on.”

  Jake nodded. “Can I spread the word that you’re taking applications again?”

  Sam lifted his coffee cup to the younger man. “Absolutely. I have a few positions to fill. Come spring, though, I’ll be hiring with a vengeance.”

  After the last guest left, Sam returned to the kitchen and gathered Maddie into his arms for a long hug. “Thank you for rounding them up this morning. I don’t know what you said, but you gave me back my friends.”

  Maddie leaned against the strong circle of his arms to smile up at him. “Emma was there. She went back into schoolteacher mode and had all of them hanging their heads when she finished with them.”

  Sam kissed Maddie on the forehead and stepped away, drawing his cell phone from his pocket. He called someone and said, “Hello, Mrs. Pedigrew? This is Sam Conacher.”

  Maddie’s heart leaped. She hurried over to Sam and said in a stage whisper, “Herm is spending the night!”

  • • •

  Sam still lay awake at midnight, recalling the sharp stab of pain that had lanced through him that day over the part he had played in Annie’s death. No matter what Maddie said, Annie’s doctor had wanted to do a complete hysterectomy, and Sam had begged Annie to wait. Only six months, he had pleaded. Can’t you hang in there for only that long? So Annie had done so, and for no apparent reason, she’d stopped developing the painful cysts. She’d lived for years after that without any hint of a problem. Then she’d been diagnosed with cancer, ovarian cancer, and to this day Sam still believed those lethal cells had been hiding in her ovaries all those years.

  Kirstin had begged Sam to get counseling, but he’d always resisted, convinced that it was a bunch of nonsense. But the reality was, he still hadn’t gotten his head on straight. Maybe I should call some shrink and make an appointment, he thought, staring at his dark ceiling. He couldn’t go on feeling this way. It was like Annie’s cancer, eating him alive.

  Sam rolled over and punched his pillow so hard it made his knuckles ache. Damn. I’m getting so old I can’t do jack anymore without it hurting. He sighed and resigned himself to the fact that it certainly couldn’t hurt if he got counseling—and maybe, by some miracle, it would help him to finally put Annie to rest.

  • • •

  Maddie couldn’t sleep. She lay awake in her downstairs bedroom, trying to come to terms with her feelings for Sam. She couldn’t understand herself. How could she still be grieving for Graham and also feel such deep affection for someone else? She only knew that she’d come to care for Sam more deeply than she’d ever expected. He was a complicated man, but she felt she understood him in ways that not even his daughter did. She, too, had been left behind. She had experienced the same pain that Sam had, along with the burning anger, the bitterness, and the guilt. She’d even felt frantic as well, terrified that she might lose Cameron or Caleb, as if the Grim Reaper lurked in the shadows, hoping to obliterate her whole life again. The thought of losing her boys and being left alone had filled her with helpless dread.

  She couldn’t say that she approved of the way Sam had punished everyone around him for his loss. But she did understand it. And because she did, she could forgive him. When he’d realized how wrong he’d been about her son, he’d tried his best to undo the damage he had instigated. He wasn’t by nature a vicious person. He’d reacted to the world around him like a wounded animal. Then he’d retreated to a dark place where he could be alone and die. Only a person couldn’t wish himself dead. Your heart kept beating, and your lungs kept drawing in oxygen. And no matter how much you hoped you wouldn’t, you woke up again in the morning to face yet another day of pain that seemed unbearable.

  Sam needed her. Maddie understood that, too. They’d started out as only friends, but she’d have been lying to herself if she pretended that was the case now. When he walked into a room, her heart quickened and her skin tingled. She knew that feeling. It was love, the kind she’d felt for Graham, a heart-to-heart bond, laced with physical desire. She hadn’t invited it. She would always love her husband and would never forget him. But even if she was a foolish old woman who was experiencing the emotions of a teenage girl again, she had to open herself to the possibilities and trust Sam enough to explore them with him.

  • • •

  The next morning, Sam called a shrink’s office and made an appointment for counseling. He did it in the barn after feeding the cattle. He wanted no one to overhear him. He guessed business wasn’t booming for shrinks, because he got a block of time for the very next day at ten in the morning. Toward the end of the conversation, he panicked.

  “One other thing. Do I have to lie on a couch? If that’s part of the deal, I’m out.”

  The receptionist had already hung up.

  “Damn it to hell.”

  Sam stared at his phone. No way am I lying on a shrink’s sofa, he thought. If I see one in the room, I’ll be out of there so fast their heads will swim.

  • • •

  That night Sam could tell that Maddie had something on her mind. She was quiet all evening and barely acknowledged Cam’s farewell when he left to visit Kirstin at her house. She’d hardly noticed when Caleb escaped upstairs to talk and text on his phone, either. That was out of character for Maddie. She was nothing if not attentive to her son and grandson.

  Sam sat beside her on the sofa. “You’re a million miles away.” He grasped her hand, gave it a squeeze, and smiled at her. “Penny for them if you’ll sell out cheap.”

  “Oh, Sam.” She plopped her head on his arm and twisted at the hips to place her right hand on his chest. She’d never done that. She was affectionate in her own way, but aside from resting her head against him or returning a friendly hug, she’d never touched him in a way that might have been construed as a physical advance. “I’ve fallen in love with you. I m
ean really, really in love. I’m not sure what to do next.”

  Sam wasn’t certain what to say. There was a romantic glow inside the house from the huge, beautifully decorated spruce in one corner of the living area and the lights that had been strung at the windows. Plus, he wanted her, just as any man with blood still moving in his veins wanted a woman he loved. The next move seemed pretty obvious to him. Only if Maddie was struggling with her feelings for him, she might not be quite ready for a roll in the hay. “Letting it steep like a tea bag isn’t working for you?”

  Her head jerked back and forth on his arm, signaling that she was shaking it to tell him no.

  “Well, Maddie, aren’t we a fine pair? I have all my moves down. At this age, God help me if I don’t. But it doesn’t feel quite right yet as far as the timing goes.”

  She sighed. “No, it doesn’t. It should be impulsive, shouldn’t it? No thinking about it required.”

  Sam had done plenty of thinking about it. “Right. And I think being spontaneous takes some innocent foreplay. We’re never alone long enough to make out.” He chuckled. “Remember those days? Did you and Graham ever steam up the car windows?”

  She giggled. “Oh, dear, don’t remind me. One night a cop found us parked on Lover’s Peak, and we were putting our location to its intended use. Graham had to wipe the fog away from the glass when the officer rapped on the driver’s window with his nightstick. I was so embarrassed when he told us it was past curfew and that teenagers who played with fire usually got burned.”

  “High school?”

  “Yes. We were madly in love.”

  Sam leaned his head back against the sofa. “Annie was a shy little thing. And, oh, my God, she was beautiful.”

  “I often stop to admire pictures of her hanging on the wall. She was definitely beautiful. You were a lucky man.”

  “Does that bother you? The pictures of her, I mean. I guess now that I have another woman in my life, I should take most of them down. For Kirstin’s sake, not all of them, of course.”

  “Don’t be silly, Sam. I don’t expect you to erase Annie from your life. You can’t. And how absurd would it be for me to be jealous of her? You keep the pictures up. They’re family history. I have oodles of Graham. They’re all in storage for now, but eventually they’ll be hanging on my walls. Do you have a problem with that?”

  “No. I admire the man. He raised a wonderful son. With your help, of course.” He pressed a kiss on her hair. “He also played a part in making you the woman you are. I’m grateful to him for that. And, like you said, he’s part of your family history. Neither of us should feel uncomfortable about reminders, I think.”

  “Agreed.” She cricked her neck to gaze up at him. “So when will we start making out?”

  Sam bent his head and gave her a lingering kiss, and by the time he broke it off, he felt as if he’d grown a third leg. “That’s it for now. Your grandson will come charging down the stairs anytime for his nightly half gallon of milk.”

  She gazed dreamily up at him. “You’re right. We’re never really alone, are we?”

  “The kids will be married on Christmas morning. After that, they’ll be gone for four days for a quick honeymoon, and we’ll have Caleb. When they come back and we’re relieved of teenager duty, maybe we can sneak off somewhere. I’ve already got two of my former hired hands back on the payroll. Kirstin and Miguel can handle the ranch. Winter is my slow time. I putter around, fixing equipment. Rub down all the tack. Work with the horses. Feed cattle. Saddle up to ride through the herds to check on all of them. It’s a time when I can take off and let someone else do it.”

  “If we go away together, can we move forward in baby steps?”

  Sam almost groaned, but he knew she needed reassurance. “Absolutely. I’m sixty-eight, Maddie. It may take me three hours just to get warmed up.” He winked at her and loved the way her cheek dimpled back at him. “Have I mentioned that my night vision went south on me?”

  “Yes. When did that happen?”

  “I’m not sure, but the night I burned all your books, I realized it was gone. All my life, I could walk into a dark workshop and still see what I was grabbing. That night I grabbed the gas instead of the diesel and nearly blew myself to kingdom come.”

  “It’s hard for me to kneel anymore. At mass, it was a killer.”

  “I’ll get you a special pillow so it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

  Sam was content with the nonsexual turn of their conversation. Women were more sensitive than men when the years tallied up and gravity won the war. By telling her about his diminished night vision, he’d just set the stage for her to feel less self-conscious when he finally made love to her—in the dark.

  • • •

  Sam had the nervous jitters as he drove into Missoula for his shrink appointment. He hadn’t dreaded seeing a doctor this much since he’d gone in for his last prostate exam. As he drove, he wondered how these things worked. Did the doctor ask the patient questions, or was the patient just expected to talk? Sam didn’t know what to say. Will it work if I just say my wife died and I blame myself for her death? Damn, but he hated the thought of telling a stranger that.

  He swung out into the passing lane on Highway 93 to get around some cars bunched up behind a gray Audi SUV. For a moment he thought the vehicle might be Maddie’s, but as he cut back over to the right lane, he decided it couldn’t be. She wouldn’t drive fifty-five in a seventy-mile-per-hour zone. She was from California, for God’s sake.

  He went back to worrying about his imminent interview with the shrink. He didn’t know if it was a man or a woman, or how old the person was. If he walked in and found a young twentysomething blonde waiting for him to spill his guts, he’d be gone in a split second. A woman that age worried about her ovaries only when she might be ovulating. She’d have no idea what it was like to watch a woman you loved with all your heart waste away to skin and bones from cancer, or how it felt when you could touch her nowhere on her body without her screaming in pain.

  The memories made Sam feel half sick. Annie, sweet Annie, you were so damned brave, he thought. I would have given my right arm to take your place. What has my life been worth since I lost you? He pulled over onto the shoulder of the road to think. How could he talk about his feelings with some stranger?

  The gray SUV that he’d thought for a moment was Maddie’s crawled past him, with a new group of cars braking behind it. Sam couldn’t see the driver. The headrest blocked his view. Besides, so what if it was Maddie? She came into Missoula every couple of weeks for physical therapy. She hadn’t mentioned that she had an appointment, but they’d been more focused on their relationship last night, with her worrying about taking baby steps before they had sex.

  Sam’s stomach clenched, and he felt as if he might puke. He loved two women, one of them now only a voice in his head. No question about it, he needed to get help. His feelings had become as tangled as an old set of Christmas tree lights.

  • • •

  When Sam finally pulled into the huge parking lot that serviced two medical buildings, he saw the same SUV that had been puttering along the highway in a high-speed zone. It was parked over to the right in an area reserved for only oncology patients. He was glad it wasn’t where he’d taken Annie for her treatments. That was all he needed right now, to remember that. He had just pulled his truck into a space and was about to look away when he caught a glimpse of reddish brown as the driver of the Audi climbed out. He could have picked the top of Maddie’s head out of a lineup. He’d rested his cheek against her hair so many times that he could almost smell the sweet scent of it.

  He remained focused until he saw all of her. Yep, it was definitely Maddie. She wore that gray wool coat that matched her car. People from cities had strange ideas. Who’d know once she entered a building if she clashed with her automobile? He wasn’t sure what colors went well together, but women we
re.

  Smiling slightly because he loved her so much, Sam tracked her with his gaze, expecting her to veer left toward the building that housed a multitude of different medical experts, including his future shrink. Only Maddie stepped carefully forward over the ice, aiming for the sidewalk that curved up to the entrance of the Oncology Center. As Sam watched her turn right on the walkway and make her dainty way toward the entrance for cancer patients, an ice-cold knot formed in his stomach. She entered the building through the revolving doors and disappeared. The cold knot splintered and exploded into white-hot rage.

  • • •

  Maddie was exhausted when she got back to the ranch. She felt a surge of gratitude that Sam had Gabriella on the payroll as a full-time employee who kept the house spotless and always had wonderful evening meals cooked. Maddie tried to help her during the day, but mostly she worked on her writing. That was a full-time job. It was going to be so nice to just go inside, slip out of her coat, and sit down to a wonderful dinner. After the kids all went their own ways, she and Sam could snuggle on the sofa, and maybe, if she was lucky, he’d kiss her again. Last night had been fabulous with the soft shimmer of Christmas lights bathing the room.

  She sat for a moment, gazing at the huge house. Colored lights outlined the windows and the steep pitches of the roof. It looked like a Christmas wonderland, a place many people would have loved to spend this most special time of the year. She thought of camp and how difficult it would be trying to live there in this weather. Sam had gifted her family with something so precious by inviting them here, a beautiful place to celebrate the holiday. She loved how nice the wreath she’d chosen looked on the door. It had been a perfect choice.