No Ocean Deep

by Cate Swannell

  “I feel really guilty, Cadie,” she eventually said, so quietly that the blonde almost didn’t catch what she was saying.

  “For leaving the way you did?” Cadie asked.

  Jo nodded. “Yes, but not just for that,” she replied hoarsely. Now she lifted her eyes and met Cadie’s. “The farm’s been in the family for 130 years. Passed down from father to child. Dad wants so much to be able to continue that tradition. Or at least,” she corrected herself. “That’s what he wanted when I was a teenager. He was always trying to teach me everything he could about running the place. But that wasn’t what I wanted.”

  Cadie reached out and cupped her lover’s cheek with a gentle palm.

  “You were just a kid, Jo-Jo,” she said. “You couldn’t be expected to know what you wanted at that age – that was a lot of pressure to put you under.”

  Jo leaned into the touch for a moment, closing her eyes and savoring the contact. When she opened them again Cadie saw the baby blues were awash with tears.

  “But that hasn’t changed,” Jo whispered. “I still don’t want to run the farm. Which means when Dad stops being able to run the place, that’ll be the end of the tradition. They’ll have to sell up. All that blood, sweat and toil for nothing.” Her voice cracked on the last word and Cadie stepped forward, wrapping the tall, dark streak of misery up in a hug.

  “Jo-Jo, sweetheart,” she soothed, rocking them both gently back and forth. “I think you’re beating yourself up a little prematurely.” Jo’s arms tightened around her waist. “Who knows what either one of them is thinking? When was the last time you had a significant conversation with your father?”

  Jo said nothing but shook her head against Cadie’s shoulder and sniffled. Cadie decided that meant it had been a very long time.

  “Okay then,” she said. “So basically, we have no idea what they’re thinking is on the subject. So maybe they’ll surprise us.” She remembered her first phone call with Maggie Madison. “Again.”

  Jo pulled back enough to be able to wipe her eyes with the back of her hand.

  “It’s not just that, though,” she muttered. “There’s the whole …” she indicated the two of them. “Us thing.” She looked up quizzically at the blonde. “Why aren’t you more nervous about meeting them?”

  Cadie smiled softly at her older, but in this sense, infinitely less experienced, lover.

  “Probably because I’ve done it before,” she answered calmly. “Once you’ve met Naomi’s parents, trust me, you can survive anything.” She grinned wryly at Jo, relieved to see a spark of humor return to the dark-haired woman’s face.

  “Tough, huh?”

  Cadie rolled her eyes.

  “Oh my god. You have no idea. If you’d ever met her mother you would know exactly where Naomi got that mean streak.”

  Jo chuckled, somehow vaguely satisfied to know that no matter how bad she thought her relationship with her parents might be, somewhere Naomi was having it tougher.

  “Besides,” Cadie continued. “I’ve yet to see anything in you that would suggest your parents are anything but good people.”

  A flash of confusion caused Jo’s eyes to narrow.

  “How can you say that, knowing my history like you do?” she asked incredulously.

  Cadie leaned forward slightly and brushed her lips across her lover’s. “Sweetheart, there’s a dark streak in you, no question.” She put a finger against the soft lips just inches from her own, as Jo started to speak. “But you have it so tightly under control, you’re so wary of it, that I end up feeling totally protected by it.” She smiled at the look of wonder on Jo’s face. “You don’t believe that, do you?”

  Jo shook her head silently.

  Cadie thought about how to explain herself a little better. “The only time I’ve ever seen your dark side has been when you’ve been defending me, or someone else you care about.” She looked at Jo adoringly. “Do you have any idea how safe that makes me feel?” The dark head shook again.

  “When you were living that life in Sydney, did you feel like you had any choice about what you were doing?” Cadie asked gently.

  Jo bowed her head again, and Cadie could almost feel the shame radiating out from the older woman.

  “I killed people, Arcadia. It shouldn’t have mattered how I felt about my circumstances. I should have made the choice not to do something like that.” Why are we having this discussion now? Here, in the middle of nowhere. Jo felt a wave of self-hatred wash through her.

  Gentle fingers gripped her chin, forcing her to look into fierce green eyes at close proximity.

  “It’s done, Jo. You did the right thing in the end, and you’ve been working your ass off to do the right thing ever since, including what you did to save Josh just a couple of months ago. Maybe it’s time to start forgiving yourself.”

  Blue eyes blinked at her helplessly.

  “I can’t Cadie. There isn’t anything I can do to make up for taking those lives. Maybe that’s what’s scaring me the most about seeing Mum and Dad again,” Jo said huskily. “Maybe it’s their forgiveness I need.” She swallowed hard. “And I’m not sure they’ll be able to give me that, once they know the truth.”

  Oh my love, Cadie thought. She pulled Jo close again wanting nothing more than to ease her lover’s anxiety. “I understand,” she whispered close to Jo’s ear. “You really feel like you have to tell them everything?”

  Jo sighed against her neck, the warm breath soft on her skin.

  “I don’t see any way it can be avoided, do you?” Jo murmured. “Fifteen years have gone by since they last saw me. They’re bound to be curious, and I don’t want to lie. I shouldn’t lie to them, should I?”

  Cadie rested her chin on top of the dark head as she gazed out over the river. “Maybe you won’t have to tell them the details,” she said gently. “Just saying you made mistakes and you want to put them behind you might be enough.”

  “Cadie?”

  “Yes, love?”

  “Do… do you forgive me?”

  It was like someone slid a long, thin dagger of ache into her heart, hearing the level of hurt in her lover’s question. Cadie placed a kiss into the soft, black hair.

  “From the second I saw you I didn’t give a damn what you’d done before, Jo-Jo.” She cast her mind back to their early conversations on the Seawolf – the reluctance of the tall skipper to reveal anything of her mysterious past. “I never saw you as anything other than what you are. A good person. So yes, I forgave you. Long ago.”

  Jo held on to her even tighter and Cadie realized that the adult in her arms was feeling very much like a child at the moment. She couldn’t help smiling at the concept and was unsurprised by the sudden sense of protectiveness she felt.

  “Whatever happens, Jo-Jo, we’ll get through it together, I promise,” she said. “Whatever you want to do, or tell them, I’ll back you up.”

  Jo pulled back again, managing to find a smile from somewhere.

  “Have I mentioned today that I love you?” she asked.

  “Nope,” Cadie replied, using the bottom of her shirt to wipe the tears from Jo’s cheeks.

  “Well, I do.”

  The blonde kissed her again, this time applying the full force of her feelings for the skipper as she sought to soothe away the rough edges. Jo responded in kind, drawing Cadie closer. Their tongues met in a tender, but intense exploration that made them both forget just where they were.

  But not for long.

  “Well, well, well and just what do we have here?”

  Cadie stepped back from Jo’s embrace with a startled gasp. The man had come from nowhere, it seemed, stepping out from behind the truck. He was short and stocky with a beer gut that hung over the grimy pair of work shorts he wore. His blue singlet was sweat-stained. Jo recognized him as the truck driver who had parked his rig further down the river late the night before.

  “Don’t let me stop you ladies,” he said with a gap-toothed grin. He sauntered closer and sat
down on the end of the log near their fireplace. “There’s nothing revs my engine more than the sight of two good-looking sheilas going at it.” He reached down and adjusted himself lewdly. “Tell you what, how about fifty bucks for you continue the show?”

  Cadie moved a little closer to Jo, who stood slightly in front of her, putting herself between the blonde and the bastard.

  “Shit, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore,” the American muttered under her breath, just loud enough for Jo to hear. The tall woman snorted quietly.

  “Why don’t you just get lost, mate,” Jo said in the direction of the truckie.

  “Now, now, gorgeous, no need to be like that,” he chastised her. “You two looked like you were enjoying yourselves. Don’t be selfish about it. Share it around a little.” He leered at them and Cadie felt a jolt of nausea as his eyes raked up and down her body. “Play your cards right, girls, and you could get yourselves some cash and a taste of the best dick in the central west.” He stood up and sauntered closer, one hand still gripping his crotch.

  “Cadie,” Jo growled, her voice low and dangerous.

  “Yes.”

  “Get in the truck.”

  Cadie felt, rather than saw, Jo’s fingers manipulating the Swiss Army knife, flicking its longest blade out.

  “I’m not leaving you out here alone,” she muttered.

  Jo thought about arguing, but the implacable presence at her back didn’t waver and instead she just accepted the fact that from now on she had a sidekick. Somehow the concept made her smile, and she closed the knife and slid it back into her pocket.

  I don’t need a knife to deal with this moron, she told herself.

  “Back off, mate,” she warned the man.

  “Or what?” He was close enough that Jo could see the sweat-matted black hair on his shoulders. Worse, she could smell him, and he was no bed of roses.

  “Look, you’re barking up the wrong tree, all right?” Why am I even trying to reason with this guy? He’s got the IQ of a cowpat and the stench to match. “If you were the last dick on the planet neither of us would be interested, so why not just be on your way and we’ll be on ours.” She felt Cadie’s hand on the small of her back and together they turned to walk away from the man.

  But ego or rank stupidity nudged the idiot on. He reached out and grabbed Jo’s left elbow, yanking her back around to face him.

  Oh, you shouldn’t have done that, buddy, Cadie thought, resigning herself to a non-diplomatic solution. She felt the heightened tension in Jo’s body under her hand, a faint vibration that thrummed. The blonde almost thought she could hear it.

  “Where d’ya think you’re going?” Mr. Smelly said.

  Jo went very still, her eyes narrowing to ice-blue slivers. She felt the darkness inside slither up from the depths of her personality, and for once, she let it.

  “Let go of me.” Her voice was almost a purr now, deep and threatening.

  Mr. Smelly, oblivious to all but his twitching testosterone levels, persisted.

  “All right, look, 75 bucks each. You won’t regret it.” He yanked on Jo’s arm one more time.

  I’ve had enough of this, Jo decided. She clenched her right fist and snapped her arm through in a short-arm jab that was so blindingly fast Mr. Smelly never saw it coming. He certainly felt it though as the jolt rocked him backwards, his nose splattering with a squelching sound the tall woman found deeply satisfying. He was on his backside in the dust before Jo had uncurled her fingers.

  “You fucking dyke bitch!!” he yelped, both hands reaching for his blood-spattered face. “You’ll fucking pay for that!”

  Jo dipped a hand in her pocket and came up with a half-dollar piece, which she flipped with her thumb in the direction of the man writhing in the dirt. It hit him on the forehead.

  “There’s 50 cents, mate. Give someone a call who gives a rat’s arse.” She turned to Cadie, who was standing calmly behind her, just the tiniest smile on her face. “Let’s get out of here,” Jo muttered, shaking out her smarting hand.

  “Right behind you,” Cadie replied quietly. Jo stalked off to pick up the last of their gear. Cadie tucked her hands in her back pockets and stood watching Mr. Smelly, her head cocked to one side. He looks like a bug trying to get back on its legs after its been tipped over, she thought dispassionately. She sniffed. A stink bug.

  The man scrambled on to his hands and knees, blood dripping onto the dirt from his shattered nose. Cadie turned back to the picnic table, scooped up her Akubra and jammed it on her head.

  “You haven’t seen the last of me, bitch!” Mr. Smelly whimpered. Cadie stopped in her tracks. In two strides she was standing next to him.

  “You’re the one who hassled us, mister. Not the other way around,” she said pleasantly. She lifted her left boot and placed it on the point of his shoulder. With one gentle nudge he fell over again, sprawling in the dust.

  “Cades!” Jo shouted, opening the driver’s side door. “Let’s go!”

  Cadie gave the injured man one last glance and then she moved away again. She clambered into the front passenger seat of the truck as Jo started the engine and dropped it into first gear. They pulled out of the campsite as Mr. Smelly managed to push himself to his feet. He picked up a nearby rock and pinged it at the retreating vehicle, bouncing it off the roof.

  “Fucking bitches!”

  The rock made a sharp metallic sound as it ricocheted off the truck and both women rolled their eyes. Cadie leaned against the door, resting her arm along the back of the bench seat as she watched her partner. Jo concentrated on getting them out onto the main road through Bourke, looking left and right.

  “See what I mean?” Cadie said.

  “Huh?” Jo let the cattle truck pass before turning right onto the road to Louth and Wilcannia.

  “Protected,” Cadie explained, waiting for blue eyes to turn to her before beaming at her partner.

  Jo snorted.

  “You could have handled him perfectly well without me, sweetheart,” she countered. “I just happened to be closest to him.”

  Cadie raised an eyebrow. “Not to start with Jo-Jo. You moved between us.” She smiled at the blush that rose on Jo’s angular cheeks. “Face it. You’re naturally heroic.”

  “Awww quit it, will ya?” Jo squirmed in her seat.

  The blonde chuckled but decided to take pity on her self-conscious friend.

  “Think he’ll come after us?” she asked, looking around at the stores and pubs they were passing on the outskirts of town.

  Jo shrugged.

  “Who knows. Depends if he’s going our way, I guess.” She glanced at Cadie who was absorbed in taking in her unfamiliar surroundings. “By the way, there’s something else Brian lent us for the trip.” Cadie turned to look at her. “There’s a metal box just behind our seats here.” She reached back and tapped the box in question.

  “Do I want to know what’s in there?” Cadie asked as she shifted round to take a look.

  “It’s his two hunting rifles and some ammo,” Jo said quietly, catching the blonde’s eye and shrugging. “I know. But I wasn’t going to argue with him, and I guess they’re insurance.”

  “Don’t you need a license to have a gun here?”

  Jo nodded.

  “Yep. But I don’t plan on either using ’em or advertising the fact that we’ve got ’em.” They caught up to the cattle truck and Jo hung back, trying to avoid the cloud of dust that trailed behind the huge vehicle. “Do you know how to use one?”

  Cadie took off her hat and ran a hand through her hair.

  “My dad does a lot of hunting,” she said. “Because there were guns in the house he made sure we knew how to use them properly, how to load them and handle them safely. But I’ve never fired one.”

  “Okay.”

  They left the last of Bourke behind them and Cadie glanced around at the landscape. It was breathtaking and not anything she had ever experienced before. The unsealed road stretched straight in front
of them away to a shimmering horizon. Yellows and reds dominated, even the olive-green of the low scrubby bushes giving way to the ever-present dust. The sky was the most brilliant shade of blue Cadie had ever seen, rivaling even the tint of her favorite pair of eyes.

  “Wow, Jo, this is amazing,” she murmured. “Just beautiful.”

  Jo blinked. Even though it had been 15 years since she’d walked away from this kind of countryside, it was starkly familiar to her. She’d always thought of her home territory as nothing but flat, boring, harsh land. Seeing it through Cadie’s eyes was proving to be illuminating.

  “I guess it is,” she replied. “It’s looking way drier than usual though.” She frowned. “Guess mum wasn’t kidding about the drought.”

  Thankfully, the cattle truck had taken another route once they’d left Bourke and Jo kicked the truck into top gear. Even though the road was essentially a well-made dirt track, the going was smooth. If there had been any significant recent rainfall it would have been a mess of ruts and rough edges, but the dry weather had compacted the surface into dusty concrete. The road was wide enough for two lanes, but only just.

  “How long till we get to Louth?” Cadie asked.

  “Just over an hour, probably,” Jo answered. “Goddess willing and the creeks don’t rise.” She smiled at her partner.

  “Not much chance of that,” Cadie said, looking up at the cloudless sky.

  “Jo! Pull over! Please?”

  The dark-haired woman chuckled at the delighted note in her partner’s voice. Carefully she applied the brake and pulled the big four-wheel drive over onto the soft edge of the track. They came to a halt in a cloud of red dust. Cadie’s eye had been caught by a flock of emus that had been running alongside them for half a mile or so, giving Jo a nervous breakdown hoping they wouldn’t try to cross the road. Instead they’d slowed and Jo was totally unsurprised at the American’s request to stop with them.

  They were just north of Louth, the small cluster of buildings laughingly called a town where they would turn off to head for Coonyabby.

  “I need to get my camera out,” Cadie said excitedly. “I guess it’s buried in my bag somewhere, huh?” She looked over her shoulder at the bags and camping equipment piled high in the back of the truck.