Head Above Water

by Caitlin Ricci

  “So… if I don’t like sex, it’s okay, and I should try it out to see if I like it because it’s going to be bad anyway until Sam and I get better?”

  “Uh….” Trent looked over my shoulder at Uncle Caleb, so I turned my head to look at him too.

  “Like I’m supposed to know any of this?” Uncle Caleb asked us. “Look, Robbie, I don’t have the answers. I wish I did. But some things in life you’re going to have to figure out on your own. When you’re ready to be with someone, and if that someone is Sam, then you two talk about it and make sure you have condoms and make sure you know how to use them and that you do use them and you boys decide what’s best for you both. It’s not a one-right-way kind of thing. It’s you both coming together and talking. I’m glad you came to us, and I hope we helped a little, but it’s not the kind of thing that we can sit here and tell you what to do. I want you safe and I want you happy, and whatever you decide, I’m sure will do that for you. Sam’s a good guy. I’ve known him for years. I’ve seen you together now for the past few months. You’ll be okay together. Just go slow and figure out what you want.”

  That was the easy part, though. “I want Sam to be happy.”

  “And what about you? What would make you happy?” Uncle Caleb asked.

  I wasn’t so sure about that. When it came to Sam, I was usually pretty happy. There were plenty of other things I wanted to happen around me, but none of them had to do with Sam. Being with him made me happy, and I really liked having him as my best friend. “Thanks, Uncle Caleb, Trent.” I got up from the couch and headed toward the door.

  “That’s it? You’re fine now?” Trent asked. I kind of thought maybe he couldn’t believe it would be that easy to fix what was wrong with me. But I wasn’t fixed. I’d just realized talking to them wouldn’t make everything better. I had to see Sam.

  “Yeah. Bye.”

  I left the house and headed back to Sam’s, where his mom answered the door. “Hi. Sam here?”

  She gave me a smile. “He is. I have him in his room working out a problem. Come on in.”

  Poor Sam. His mom’s math problems could be really hard. I was glad I’d been given a few days off school for my birthday. We all had, actually, because of it being the first anniversary of Mom’s death.

  There was a cookie on the counter, and she pushed it toward me. “Here you go. I was going to have Sam take this to you the next time he saw you, but you being here makes things easier. He has his headphones on while he thinks, so he can’t hear us. And, Robbie, I want you to know that he told me why you two were fighting.”

  I blushed so hard I was sure my freckles blended in with the color on my cheeks. I looked down at the island in front of me. “Sorry.” What else was I supposed to say to the mother of my boyfriend, who was also a woman who really intimidated me sometimes?

  She smiled at me and patted my hand, and for probably the hundredth time, being around her made me really miss my own mom. But not because she had been a lot like her, but because Sam’s mom was the kind I thought mine might have been like someday, if Dan hadn’t always been around. Sam’s mom was loving and protective and she cared about us all so much. We were simply added to her family without question, or really any reason, other than that she’d wanted to take care of us too, as if she didn’t already have enough on her plate to handle. “You boys just need to have a long talk, I think. You’re seventeen, just turned, and my mind says you’re ready to make your own decisions in life regarding your relationships and your own body. I’m sure your mama would say the same thing if she was here to see how much you’ve grown this past year.”

  “I’m the same height,” I said, frowning at her.

  She just gave me a big hug and kissed my cheek. “Not what I was saying, child. Not at all. Now, you go in there and talk to Sam. And if you boys are going to the store, I’m out of milk, so pick me up a gallon of whole.” She dug into the pocket of her shorts and pulled out a twenty, which she pressed into my hand before I could tell her that Uncle Caleb gave us a credit card we were supposed to use for groceries. “And go get yourselves some milkshakes or something too. Just don’t spoil your dinner.”

  She kissed me on my cheek again, then touched my much shorter hair. I saw her frown and shake her head before going back into the kitchen to unload the dishwasher. I went to Sam’s door and knocked, then remembered his mom had said he had his headphones on, so he wouldn’t have been able to hear me anyway. So I opened the door and smiled at him when he looked up at me from where he was sitting on his bed.

  “Hey.”

  “Hi. Want to go to town with me?” I asked.

  He looked over at his mom. “Can I go to town or am I still thinking?”

  “If you’ve thought of a good reason, you can go with Robbie. Otherwise you’re staying here,” Sam’s mom answered.

  “Huh?”

  He shook his head and got off the bed. “I’ll tell you on the way. Let me get my shoes on.”

  “Okay.” While he did that, I got out my phone and sent Uncle Caleb a text to let him know where I was going. He really wanted us to do that, and sometimes I forgot, but I usually tried to remember. Even if I didn’t text him, it helped that I was always with Sam, and his mom somehow knew where we were all the time. Except when he came over to my house at night. Or, maybe she did but didn’t say anything about it. I was pretty sure she had no idea. Sam sneaking around in the middle of the night didn’t seem like something she’d just let go so easily, mostly because he could get hurt climbing up to my window, not because I thought she’d actually be mad or judge us for wanting to sleep in the same room.

  Once Sam was ready, and we’d said bye to his mom, we headed to the main road. Town was only maybe a ten-minute walk from Uncle Caleb’s cabin, and the walk was always quiet. Seeing a car was rare but deer along the road weren’t. I’d been tempted a few times to just ride Witchcraft into town, but once I got there I knew there’d be nowhere to tie her up where no one would bother her. So we walked, which was nice because I got to hold Sam’s hand, and sometimes he’d lean over to kiss my cheek.

  “I am sorry about this morning,” he said as he pulled away from the road to take the path through the woods.

  I nodded. “I know you are. I talked to Uncle Caleb and Trent. Your mom said you talked to her. If you want to talk together, I’d be okay with that too.”

  He laughed, and I smiled at him. “Deal. So, confession time. I thought having sex would make you happy. That’s why I wanted to. I thought it would feel good too, but mostly I wanted you to be happy. I mean, you’ve been really down lately, and I wanted to cheer you up. And sex used to make me happy, so I thought if we did, then you’d be happier too.”

  That actually made some backward kind of sense to me. It was completely Sam logic. “I was afraid that if I didn’t like it, I’d lose you. And I can’t lose you. Not at all.”

  He tightened his hand on mine, and we slowed down to where we were just barely walking. “You’re not going to. Not ever. I’m sorry you thought you would.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you why I was so against it.” I turned so I could hug him, and he held me too. “I’m still not ready, though. I want to, and I want my first time to be with you, but I’m not ready right now.”

  He nodded and kissed the side of my neck, tickling me. “That’s okay. Can we do other stuff if you’re not ready for sex?”

  I knew what he was asking, and I had thought about it. “I….” I licked my lips since I was so nervous, even though I shouldn’t have been. This was Sam. He wasn’t going to judge me for wanting to wait, and he wasn’t going to judge me for wanting to maybe play around a little either. I absolutely knew that now. “Sure. I think so.”

  He kissed me as softly as I thought he possibly could, and we stayed together like that for a long time. Eventually I knew we had to move, because we were in the woods right off the main road, and his mom needed milk, and at some point Trent would head up a search party for us. But for however
long we stood there, with the trees around us and Sam in my arms and me in his, that time was ours, and it was perfect.

  Chapter Eight

  Sam

  EVEN THOUGH we’d been to town together plenty of times, it always kind of surprised me when Robbie didn’t let go of my hand as soon as we neared the shops. Max always had, but that was just one of the differences between them. Robbie wasn’t afraid to be seen with me, to have people know we were together.

  “What do you want to do first?” I asked.

  “Milkshake. I’m starving.”

  I was completely on board with that plan.

  We swung our hands between us and walked past the hardware store. A few people waved, mostly people I knew from town, but a few I didn’t. Which was kind of weird since the town was so small. When two girls waved to Robbie as they went by, I couldn’t help getting jealous. “So….” There was no good way to ask how he knew either of them without sounding like a jerk.

  He looked over at me. “So? What’s up?”

  “Do you like her?” I asked bluntly, not meaning to be that way, and he nearly tripped over a crack in the sidewalk as he turned toward me.

  “No. She’s just a girl that needed some help with this horse she was leasing a month or so ago. Her dad knows Trent, so he called him and Trent asked me.” Robbie smiled up at me. “You were jealous.”

  I didn’t exactly like being called out on it, but yeah, I was. “A little,” I quietly admitted.

  Surprising me, Robbie let go of my hand to give me a hug. “I was too, yesterday, when Max was around.”

  “He’s with Tyrese,” I reminded him as I returned his hug and dug my fingers into the back of his shirt. I really liked how easy he was to hug and how he didn’t mind if people saw us. He didn’t even try to hide who we were and that we cared about each other. We stood there in the middle of the sidewalk, where anyone in town could see us.

  Robbie nodded but didn’t let me go. “Doesn’t mean he doesn’t still like you. I just met him. I could be wrong, but I thought he did. And I was jealous. Now you were too.” He laughed. “I think it’s funny.”

  “Uh-huh. I don’t want to be left for a girl,” I admitted into the warmth of his shirt.

  “And I don’t want you to leave me for your ex.”

  I smiled and turned my head to kiss him on the side of his neck, right where I knew he was most ticklish. “Not gonna happen.”

  “Milkshake time?” he asked, not yet pulling away from me.

  I wanted to keep holding him right like we were, but I knew we couldn’t just stand there either. We had things to do. “Sure.”

  His arm was around me as we headed into the diner, the only place to really get something to eat in Thornwood unless you counted the deli at the grocery store, which wasn’t horrible food actually. It just wasn’t the kind of place where everyone smiled at us, asked us how the horses were doing, and handed us a free basket of fries like they did at the diner.

  Today we even had our fries come out with our water, and Robbie kept smiling at me as he ate from his half of the fries, which didn’t have ketchup all over them, and I ate from mine, which did. I swirled ketchup; he liked to dip his fries one at a time. We were weird but it worked for us, even when sharing food.

  There were so many differences between Robbie and Max, from their eyes and their hair and Robbie being shorter than me, and how he liked horses and Max really didn’t. “What’s got you smiling?” Robbie asked as we finished up our lunch.

  I blushed and grinned into what remained of the fries. “Thinking about you. And how you are with me out in public.”

  “Yeah? Like what?” He picked up the fry I’d been watching as I tried to focus on anything but his face—because I knew I’d blush a lot more if I did that—and quickly ate it.

  I looked sideways at him, and blushed even harder, just like I thought I would. “Just that you’re not worried about what people think of you when you’re out with me.”

  He frowned at me, then shook his head. “Why would I be? If people don’t like it, then screw them. I’d rather be out with you, and holding your hand, than friends with someone fake that wouldn’t want to see that.”

  I leaned over and kissed him. I couldn’t help it. And he kissed me back. When we pulled away, I was grinning like a weirdo, and he was still holding my hand. When our lunch was over, he pulled out his wallet, and I shook my head at him. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “You’ll pay for the next date,” he said, putting some cash down on top of the bill that had been brought for us.

  I liked that he called it a date, like going out together was special. We went on dates to the grocery store, to the movies, and sometimes we even went on dates to the post office. When we left Caleb’s property, it was a date, and that made me feel good. We held hands, we kissed, and we hugged all the time, but it meant a lot to me that he’d do it in town where everyone we knew could see us. And when my dad or Caleb took us to Denver to buy more tack or go clothes shopping, things between us didn’t change at all. He was my boyfriend and I really liked him. Sometimes I even thought I loved him.

  We headed across the street and down the block toward the grocery store, the only one in town. Cutting through the parking lot took us past Trent’s house, which was easy to spot, even though all the other townhouses looked just like it, because he had a police sign on his front door.

  The sun was warm on the back of my neck as we walked along holding hands, but it only took a few minutes to get from the row of townhouses to the grocery store, so it wasn’t that bad. “Do we need anything besides the milk?” I asked.

  Robbie shook his head, but he also bit his lip like he wasn’t so sure. “I’ll come find you by the milk. Give me a few minutes?”

  “Uh. Sure.” He was acting weird, but maybe he had to get something for one of his brothers. I didn’t know, and it wasn’t a big deal to me. We hugged before he took off in the opposite direction.

  The gallon of milk was easy for me to find, since it was the only brand my mom liked, so that took me maybe five minutes total. Three of which were spent trying not to be impatient at the guy in front of me who kept taking out a gallon of milk, looking at it, then putting it back only to take out another one right beside it and then do the same thing again. I had no idea what he was doing except for keeping me from Robbie, which wasn’t going to work for me at all.

  Finally, and it did seem like forever that I stood behind him trying not to be a jerk and make some noise to show how annoyed I was getting, he’d chosen the milk he was happy with for a moment. But that little space of time was all I needed to bolt in there and grab a gallon for my mom. Then I went off to find Robbie.

  Where I found him, though, was a bit weird. “What are you doing?” I whispered, keeping my voice as quiet as possible so I didn’t draw attention to us when I found him staring at the condom display.

  He gave me a shy smile and turned back to look at them all. He was already bright red, his cheeks nearly the color of his own hair. “There are so many choices….”

  I nodded. There were. And I’d never had to get them myself. I didn’t even want to look. “So….” I had no idea how to ask what in the world he was doing staring at condoms.

  “Look, the only thing everyone seems to agree on is that protection is key. And here I am. Trying to pick one so that when we….” He sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, and I smiled at him.

  He wanted to be prepared, for when we got that far. I put the milk down and hugged him tightly from the side. “That’s cute. And sweet.”

  He laughed and wrapped his arm around my back too. “No, it’s really not. I feel like an idiot not being able to pick one. But, seriously, who the hell is able to when there’s, like, fifty choices and none of them make sense. And have you looked at the girl stuff down the aisle ever? Insanity. I wanted to be all great and have this already taken care of before you got the milk, and when we got to that place I was going to pull out the box I�
��d bought, and you could have thought I was so cool for thinking ahead. Except I can’t pick one, and you found me first.”

  I grinned and laid my head on his shoulder. “Well, we could pick one out together,” I offered, even though I was just as clueless as he was.

  He pulled me a little closer. “I think I’d like that. Where do we start?”

  I looked at the options and had no idea really. “No funky flavors?”

  “How about no flavors at all?”

  “I like that plan. Nothing weird?” I hoped he knew what I meant by that, since there was a whole section of condoms with extra things on them that I didn’t even want to think about.

  Robbie let go of me and went toward the display. I came with him, keeping my hand on his back. “Something plain, then.” When he knelt, I crouched down next to him. He pulled one down, I grabbed another, and we both spent a few seconds reading them over. He decided against his, but I passed the one I’d been looking over to him so he could consider it.

  “Looks pretty standard,” I said. I had no idea, but it was better than making no decision at all. “I’ve never done this before.”

  He was frowning when he looked over at me. “You haven’t? Not even with Max?”

  “He always had them,” I quietly explained.

  Robbie nodded and stood back up. “This one will work. I think. Maybe. I mean, we try one and if we hate it, then we go with something else. Right? It’s not like there’s some lack of choices here.”

  I was laughing as he offered me his hand and helped me up. He carried the condoms, and I took the milk as we headed toward the front of the store, which was where I sort of lost my nerve. Robbie seemed to have a little bit of a crisis too as we hung back by the candy, not more than ten feet from an open register, just staring at each other.