Head Above Water

by Caitlin Ricci

  Trent nodded. “Those are all completely normal worries, given your situation, but you don’t have to be worried about that. He was sentenced to three years. And if he mouths off, or does anything stupid while he’s behind bars, they will extend his stay. You don’t have to worry about him coming after you.”

  I didn’t know that he’d been sentenced, or for how long. “I need you to tell me stuff like that. Not only the things you think I need to know. But I want to know what’s going on. I think I deserve that.”

  “I think you do too,” he said, his lips pursed. “It wasn’t my call.”

  “I wanted to protect you from that,” Uncle Caleb said when I looked to him for confirmation that he’d been who Trent was talking about. “Since I didn’t do anything to help you before.”

  “You didn’t know something was wrong,” I reminded him. I hadn’t told him anything. I still wasn’t all that great at talking about it.

  Uncle Caleb got silent, but he did nod, because I was right. He didn’t know. It wasn’t a big deal. I just needed to be kept in the loop now. That’s all I wanted. Knowing that I had three years not to worry about Dan felt good, like maybe I could breathe for a little bit.

  WHEN SAM came over that night, his mom and dad actually walked him to the front door. “Now, he still has to take care of the horses in the morning, and while I’m not in love with the idea of you two spending the night together, I understand that you already have been for months,” his mom said.

  We were just staring at them. Well, I was staring at Sam. I don’t know who everyone else was looking at. We’d been watching the news, and I was already in my pj’s. It was earlier than I normally saw Sam at night.

  His dad gave his mom a sideways hug. “He’ll be fine. He’s a good boy. And on the plus side, it’s not like we have to worry about teenage pregnancies with them.”

  Trent laughed, and Sam came to sit down next to me on the couch, looking just as weirded out as I felt in that minute. It was one thing when we were sneaking around and he was climbing into my room and everything was a secret. Now everyone knew, and they were okay with it. More or less.

  “Bye, Mom, Dad, good night,” he called.

  His mom hesitated at the door and blew him a kiss. Before they left I heard his dad saying that they could have the house to themselves, and I smiled as I leaned against Sam’s shoulder. The news was on for another hour, and after that we were all expected to go to bed. Only now Sam brought over his toothbrush, and he brushed his teeth next to Ben and me in front of the sink. And he’d come already changed for bed, but his mom had packed him an overnight bag.

  As we were seeing what she’d put in there, condoms spilled out. I turned bright red again, and he quickly shoved them back into the bag. “She’s so weird,” Sam said, shaking his head.

  “I like her.”

  “I do too.” We smiled at each other, and then I leaned forward to kiss him.

  Uncle Caleb said good night to Ben next door to my room, and then stopped in front of my open doorway. “You boys need anything?”

  This was weird because it wasn’t a sleepover, not really. This was my boyfriend being allowed to spend the night with me in my bed and no one caring about it. Or at least no one was making a big deal about it. It was like when Trent slept over. Like it was normal and we were adults. I liked being treated like that and hoped it lasted.

  “Nah, we’re good,” I said, smiling at him.

  Sam nodded too.

  Uncle Caleb still hesitated in the doorway. “Okay. Well, if you need anything, let me know. Otherwise, good night. Get some rest.”

  “Night.” Normally he’d closed my door, just like he did that night, and then I’d lie down and wait for Sam to climb through my window. But tonight he was already there. And we lay down together under my blanket with the window open, and I leaned back against him since he was against the wall, and he wrapped his arms around me.

  I fell asleep smiling with Sam’s forehead against my shoulder and for the first time in months I didn’t have any nightmares. I didn’t even wake up at all.

  THE NEXT morning it was great, no, better than even great, to wake up next to Sam there with the sun coming in on us and his arms around me. We’d kicked off the sheet at some point, but I wasn’t cold at all as I had him pressed against me all the way down to my hips.

  “Good morning,” I said, sleepily. I’d never gotten to say that to him before. Not like this anyway. Not when we’d spent the whole night together, and he hadn’t had to run out at 4:00 a.m., which was such an insane time.

  He gave me a squeeze, like I was a giant pillow and he was having trouble waking up. Someone knocked on the door, and since we were completely dressed and nothing had happened, I said, “You can open it. We’re up.” Sort of.

  Trent opened the door and looked like he was trying not to laugh as Sam continued to squeeze me. I wasn’t actually sure if he was awake yet. Normally he didn’t try to crush me when he was conscious.

  “So…. You like having him over?” Trent asked me.

  Of course I did. “Is that a trick question?”

  He shook his head. “Keep your room clean and don’t make Caleb worry about you, and I’ll have your back if he starts to reconsider this. Personally, I don’t care what you two do. I don’t have to worry about you, which is a damn nice feeling when it seems like every other kid in town, except for your little brother, is just begging to get into trouble lately. So you do what you do and don’t make a mess around here. Deal?”

  “Yeah. Definitely.” I was grinning now, and Sam was starting to wake up, because he wasn’t squeezing me as hard. “See you.”

  “Later,” Trent said as he headed back down the hallway. He was a good guy. I liked him.

  “He gone now?” Sam mumbled against my shoulder, where I was pretty sure he’d been drooling.

  I laughed. The door was still open, but yeah, we were alone again. “Yep. Good morning.” I said it again, because I wanted to, and because he might not have been awake to hear me the first time.

  He smiled. “Morning. My mouth tastes nasty.”

  I had morning breath too, and we got up to brush our teeth together, and then I let him shower first. I went next, and soon he had his overnight bag packed up and we were downstairs having cereal around the island before we went to go take care of the horses. It was pretty much the perfect morning.

  But something on my mind was about to make it not so great because I was afraid of what was about to happen. “Uncle Caleb?” I asked, getting his attention from where he’d been making coffee. He was still in his pajamas, which was funny to me that we’d gotten showered, and dressed, and he looked like he’d just rolled out of bed and then been attacked by a bear, judging by how awful and messed-up his hair was at that point.

  “Yeah?”

  I bit my lip. Did I even want to ask him this? Probably not. But I thought I needed to pretty badly. “If I talked to Joe, and if I told him he was my dad, would he be able to take me away from here?”

  Sam had stopped eating his cereal too, looking like he needed the answer just as much as I did as Uncle Caleb turned to look at me. “What? No. Of course not. I have custody of you.”

  That was news to me. “Since when?”

  He gave me a bit of a smile, though it looked kind of irritated, like maybe this was too much heavy talk this early in the morning. “Since Dan was arrested and I had three minor children in my house with no other living family to give them to. I petitioned for custody of the three of you, I had Trent and his dad be my references, which helped since he’s a cop and his dad is the chief of police in Thornwood, and I got you three. Joe could petition for you too, but the lawyer I talked to when I decided to do all of this said that he couldn’t have you, based on the fact that you don’t know him at all, your brothers are both here in Thornwood and they wouldn’t want to split you up, and you only recently found out that he’s your dad. So, Robbie, you can tell him if you want to. I’ll be nearby if you
want me to be in case you need support, but that’s up to you, and no one can make that decision for you. It was another one of those things I was trying not to burden you with.” He looked kind of ashamed that he hadn’t told us. It hadn’t been the right decision on his part.

  I felt so much better after hearing all of that. “Thanks.” Sam looked relieved too.

  “I would have kidnapped you before he could take you,” Sam told me as he went back to eating the cereal I’d poured for us both.

  I knew he would have. And I loved him for it. “Is it called kidnapping if I volunteered to be taken prisoner?”

  He shrugged, and Uncle Caleb sat down with us and his cup of coffee. “Let’s not find out.”

  Laughing, I agreed with him completely.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Sam

  WE’D TAKEN care of the horses, and even gone for a ride, before Robbie sat down against the side of the barn and pulled out his phone. “I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna call Joe and tell him he’s my dad.”

  “Uh…. You sure?” I asked as I slid down onto the warm grass beside him.

  He nodded. Then shook his head. Then nodded again. Clearly he had no idea what he was doing. “I’m gonna call him. For sure. Maybe I won’t tell him he’s my dad. But maybe I will. But I am gonna call him.”

  A second later he did just that, and had the phone on speaker so I could hear too.

  “Hello, this is Joe,” he said.

  And Robbie froze.

  “Hello? Who’s this?”

  I nudged him in the side, and he came back to life. “Hi. Uh. It’s Robbie. With Witchcraft.”

  “Hey. Everything okay?”

  I put my arm around his shoulders. He didn’t have to do this at all, and if he hung up on Joe and tossed his phone into the woods to avoid talking to him ever again, I would have been fine with that too. Robbie slowly nodded and seemed to relax a little under my arm. “Yeah. Just came back from a ride on her actually. Not what I wanted to talk to you about, though. Um…. See… I know you had an affair with my mom. Or, she had an affair with you.”

  Joe was pretty quiet after that as Robbie and I stared down at the screen of his phone. “I see.”

  Robbie took a deep breath, and I turned my head to kiss his shoulder, giving him my silent support. “And I know you’re my dad.”

  He shut his eyes tightly and the phone shook in his hands, so I took it away from him but kept it close so he could still talk if he wanted to. He was trying not to cry, but I knew he didn’t have to try so hard to be strong. This was huge. “You can let it out,” I told him.

  “Crying is weakness,” he whispered back to me.

  “No, it’s not. I’m crying right now,” Joe spoke up, before I could tell Robbie that what he’d said was crap. I could hear the sadness in his voice, but for some reason he also sounded like he was smiling. “It’s so good to hear that from you. Your mom and I, we wanted you to know someday, but she said that she’d tell you when you were ready, and I wasn’t supposed to say anything to you. It’s been so hard not to call you and talk to you these past few months. I’ve always known you were mine. And I’ve always thought about you, but when you were born, she wanted to try things out with Dan more and make it work with him. How did you find out?”

  “Dan told me.” Robbie’s voice had gone flat, and I could tell he was shutting down and hiding in himself like he used to do when I asked about his bruises. I couldn’t let that happen to him. Not right now. He couldn’t do that to himself.

  “Joe? This is Sam. I’m Robbie’s boyfriend. He’s freaking out right now, so why don’t you tell him about the first day you saw Witchcraft?” He loved his horse, and I knew talking about her, and hearing about how great she was, would bring him back.

  Joe sounded much happier now. “You’re his boyfriend? That’s great. I’m so happy for you both. If you want to, if you feel comfortable I mean, would you send me some pictures of the two of you? The only pictures I have of Robbie are the ones his mom gave me when he was a baby. He was so tiny with his bright red hair. So amazing.”

  Robbie was shaking, and I knew Joe needed to stop talking about him and go to Witchcraft fast. “I’ll make sure to,” I promised Joe. “Witchcraft now, though, please.”

  “Of course. She wasn’t in the greatest condition when I found her, but so few rescues are. She needed at least three hundred pounds of weight put back on her, and she’d been in foal when I’d picked her up, but she ended up losing it.”

  I looked over to see Robbie watching Witchcraft graze. “I can’t believe she was that bad,” he said, looking, and sounding, a lot more normal now. “She’s amazing. There’s this little steep trail part that Sam found that leads to a waterfall, and she took it like she’s been trail riding in the mountains for years instead of just a few months. I love showing her, but it’s the trail rides we take that mean the most to me. It’s our quiet time. And Sam has this old, fat, pony-like draft horse that he rides and Witchcraft puts up with the fact that he couldn’t get to a trot even if a bear was chasing him.”

  He was smiling, and I kissed his cheek. This was my Robbie, talking about his horse and obviously caring about her, not the scared person he’d been just a few moments before.

  “Riding in the mountains sounds great. I’ve never been out of Kentucky,” Joe said.

  I thought it might be good for them if Joe came to visit sometime, but I wasn’t about to say that to Robbie, so I just held on to him.

  “It’s pretty here,” Robbie said. “Though the altitude took a bit to get used to. I kept getting winded whenever I ran for the first few weeks. Now it’s not so bad. I’m gonna go now, but can I call you sometimes?”

  “Anytime. Please. I’d like that. Send me pictures. Let me know how you’re doing.” Joe sounded like he cared, and I hoped Robbie could hear that in his voice too. I thought going from Dan to Joe was a good switch. Joe already sounded like a much better dad than Dan ever was, from what little I knew of him. Dan had hit Robbie, which made me hate him no matter what good things he’d ever done for them in the past.

  “Sure. Bye,” Robbie ended the call and sighed loudly. “Well…. Damn.”

  I laughed and kept him close. “Your dad wants to know you. And he’s okay with you being with me.”

  “I’m gonna need a monthlong freak-out session after that call,” he said, his voice shaking as much as his hands were. He’d barely been able to reach out and end the call while the phone was in my hand.

  “It’ll be okay,” I promised him.

  “Oh yeah? How are you so sure?”

  I shrugged. I just was. “Because we’re together. That’s why.”

  He put his trembling hand on my knee. “I don’t know how you’re so sure all the time. It’s like you trust that everything will all just be okay. You’re so absolutely confident in everything you do, and I’m sitting here thinking that I have no idea what to do next.”

  “That’s because I do know what to do,” I told him with a little smile.

  “What, then? What should I do next?”

  I smirked and leaned forward to kiss him. “We kiss, for starters, then we go inside because it’s lunchtime and Mom promised to make something delicious. Fair warning, though, we might be in trouble because I can’t remember if we got two days off for Cleric’s death, or just one, so we might be missing school right now.”

  He groaned and hung his head. “Which means loads of extra homework. Double homework. I don’t want to do it. Think she would have come out to tell us we were missing school, though?” Robbie sounded hopeful, but I shrugged.

  “Maybe not if she wanted us to figure it out for ourselves.” Mom could be evil like that.

  When we got to the house, lunch was already laid out on Caleb’s big island, but we both froze in the doorway when we saw Daniel sitting there eating next to Ben and across from Caleb and my parents. He gave us both a nod, and we got out of our shoes.

  “Wash up, boys,” Mom told us, which we quic
kly did.

  “What’s he doing here?” I asked, nodding in Daniel’s direction, in case she missed who I was talking about somehow.

  Mom shrugged, and we joined everyone around the island for fried chicken, okra, and sweet potato casserole. We’d only taken a few bites when Daniel spoke up. “I’m leaving Thornwood to join the Army. I talked to a recruiter this morning, and I take the tests next week. I don’t plan on coming back here. Ben, I’d still like to talk to you sometimes, but otherwise, the rest of you, I don’t think of you as my family, and I’d rather not keep trying.”

  I saw Robbie’s face fall at Daniel’s words, and I stopped eating so I could wrap my arm around him and kiss the back of his shoulder. How Daniel could be so mean, so completely insensitive, when it came to him, I had no idea.

  Robbie lifted his head and looked right at Daniel. “Will you tell me what I ever did to you to make you hate me so damn much before you go and leave forever?”

  Daniel shrugged. “If it was that simple, I would have said something. Maybe it was how Mom always loved you best, like you were the kid she always wanted to have and Joe was the husband she always wanted, and Ben and I were just there because she had to give Dan kids, so why not? Or maybe it’s because you’re gay and you have someone you care about, and I don’t have the slightest idea of who, or what I am. Maybe it’s a whole mess of stuff and none of it makes any sense in my head. Why the hell do you need answers anyway?”

  “Because you’re my brother, jerk,” Robbie said as he scowled at Daniel. “And Dan always loved you best. You were freaking perfect. Always. And so what if I’m gay? And who cares if you don’t have everything figured out? I care about you because you’re my brother. We had the same mom. We grew up together. You don’t just get to erase that because you don’t like me and feel like having some kind of a mass tantrum.”

  “And growing up together doesn’t make us friends either,” Daniel shot right back to him.