Head Above Water

by Caitlin Ricci

  “And that’s why you’re selling?” I thought that was a pretty stupid reason.

  Steve shook his head. “No. I’m selling because I can’t afford to keep this place up anymore. I used to offer boarding, along with the shows, but out here the people who have horses keep them on their own properties. This isn’t Denver, where no one has any land.”

  I guessed I could understand that. “Well….” I had no idea what to say. He’d misjudged us, okay, but he’d still come across as a massive jerk, and I wanted to keep riding.

  “Good luck,” Sam said for me.

  “Yeah. You boys too.”

  We were back on the road a few minutes later. “He was really rude,” Sam said as we walked our horses side by side in the woods right next to the road.

  I nodded. “He really was. Like, holy crap, I’m sorry I’m a teenager and all, but that doesn’t make me a complete idiot when it comes to my horse and how to take care of her.”

  Sam laughed and I grinned at him. “So… last night? You really sure you’re okay?”

  I really wished he would just believe me. “I’m totally, definitely okay. Stop worrying. I was freaking out and I didn’t need to be. I’m glad we had sex. I love you. The time felt right, and I’m happy with the choices we made.”

  “I love you too, Robbie.”

  We rode our horses for an hour in the woods before coming back to the barn. We could have gone inside and hung out for a while, watching TV for a few hours, but instead we decided to crash out on the hay bales next to each other as our horses grazed in one of the pastures.

  “Are you going to call Joe now?” Sam asked me.

  I shrugged. “I was thinking about it.”

  “Want me to go inside and give you some privacy?”

  I snorted as I took out my phone. “Not even a little.” I threw my leg over his just in case he decided to get any ideas about leaving me alone. I liked Joe, well enough anyway, but I wasn’t comfortable being alone with him yet. Not even while we were just talking on the phone.

  I dialed Joe, and I hated the little part of me that hoped he didn’t pick up so I could say I tried without having to actually talk to him. I didn’t know why I was like this with him. He’d never done anything to hurt me. But a big part of me kept expecting him to. I’d grown up with Dan as my dad, and that had ended horribly. Joe seemed like he was different, but for most of my life Dan had been nice to me too. He’d been a hardass, but he hadn’t started hitting me until the end. What if Joe was the same way? What if I brought that out in the people who were parents to me? The only people I wasn’t afraid of hitting me were Caleb and Trent. And of course Sam, but he was different because we were dating. And Ben never would. And Sam’s parents loved me, so they never would either.

  “Hi, Robbie,” Joe said.

  I could hear horses in the background, and I wondered if I’d interrupted him. “Are you busy? We can talk later.” Like next month when I’d call him again.

  “No, no. You’re fine. I’m glad you called. I was hoping to talk to you before next weekend.”

  I frowned. “What’s next weekend?”

  “There’s a conference on rescuing animals that I’ll be speaking at. It’s at the convention center in downtown Denver. It’s apparently a big glass building with a giant blue bear looking into it.”

  I knew where it was. Uncle Caleb had taken us all to a play right there at the theater last month. And the blue bear that was two stories tall had freaked me out at first. “You’ll be in Denver?”

  “Yes.”

  Sam turned over on the hay bales and was looking at me now. He looked as freaked-out as I was feeling.

  “I was wondering if you might like to come to the conference. We could get lunch. I have some extra tickets…,” Joe continued.

  Holy shit. I ran my hand through my short, spiky hair. Did I want to see Joe now that I knew who he was to me? I’d figured this day would come, eventually, but in a week? I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure. I… I….

  Sam took my phone away from me. “Hey, it’s Sam.” He put it on speakerphone for me.

  “Oh. Hey, Sam. Is something wrong?”

  I was just staring at him as Sam smiled up at me. “Not really. Just Robbie freaking out. He gets like that sometimes. So you’ll be in Denver? And you want to see him?”

  Joe sounded unsure of himself. Which was good because, like Sam had said, I was having a massive freak-out moment. “I would like to. And you too. If he’s up for it.”

  “Sure. And one more ticket too please.”

  “Okay. For who?”

  I didn’t know who else would go with us either. “His uncle, Caleb.”

  Sam was really smart. Of course I would want Uncle Caleb there with us.

  “I understand. I’ll make it happen. I’m speaking on Saturday at two. I’ll e-mail the passes to Robbie. Can I talk to him again?”

  Sam nodded. “You’ve been on speakerphone. He’s right here. We’re just lying on some hay in the barn. Sometimes he has these freak-out moments where he can’t talk and he just freezes. It’s not a big deal,” Sam explained, which was awesome of him, but to me it was a big deal that when I panicked I couldn’t even say I was having an issue.

  “So, Robbie, can we have lunch next weekend?” Joe asked.

  “Yes,” I squeaked out.

  Even though Joe was still on the phone, and could maybe hear us, Sam got up and kissed me softly on my mouth. I sank under him and felt instantly better for his being there for me when I needed him most. Just like he always was.

  “Well, I’ll see you boys next Saturday, then,” Joe said. And I thought he was going to hang up. But he didn’t. “Robbie, I’m really looking forward to seeing you again. And getting to know you more.”

  The whole idea of it terrified me, but I was also looking forward to it too. “Me too. I’ll see you Saturday.” The only reason I was able to say even that much was because Sam was holding me. “Bye.” Joe said his good-byes too, though I could barely hear them because I was muffling my face against Sam’s shirt. Then Sam hung up my phone, and we were left lying on the hay with his arms around me.

  “It’ll be okay,” Sam promised.

  “You can’t know that.” I clung tightly to him. The hay was prickly against my skin and I wasn’t all that comfortable, but I couldn’t move right then. I could barely breathe. I was so scared and so worried at the same time. I need a year between now and next Saturday to get used to this idea. But I didn’t have that kind of time.

  Sam kissed the top of my head, and I shut my eyes tightly to keep from crying. I wasn’t sad. I was terrified. “I don’t want him to hurt me.”

  He held me just a bit tighter. “If he does, I’ll kick his ass. Your dad or not, I’ll go all out and make him hurt.”

  I laughed and knew he would do that too. He was way protective over me. Just like I was over him.

  “It’ll be okay,” he told me again. And this time I kind of believed him, because even if Joe was mean to me, I’d always have Sam there with me to make it better.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Sam

  WE WERE all in Caleb’s big living room watching movies that night when Robbie decided to tell them all about going to see Joe next weekend. Caleb just stared at him.

  “Are you sure about this?” he asked Robbie, who only nodded and moved closer to me on the couch. I was surprised no one cared about how physical we were in front of everyone. I would never push him away, but sometimes I was really shocked no one told us to move apart. Everyone had when I’d been dating Max. We’d had to sit on opposite sides of the couch when we’d been together. But Robbie could be lying next to me, and we even slept in the same bed, his, all the time. It was strange, but so amazing.

  Robbie nodded to his uncle. “I think so anyway. Not saying I won’t chicken out that morning and claim to be dying of the plague or something, but I’m going to try to be okay going. I think it might be important for me to spend time with him. But I know t
he only way I’ll be okay doing that at all is if you and Sam are there with me. I for sure can’t do this on my own. Someday maybe I’ll get on a plane and go back to Kentucky to see him for a week by myself. But that’s not going to happen anytime soon for sure. I need to get to know him better first.”

  I squeezed his hand, and he laid his head on my shoulder. “I’d go with you if you wanted me to.”

  “Not without your mama’s permission you wouldn’t,” my mom said from across the room. The only person not sitting next to someone else was Ben, who was in the middle of the floor with a pillow under his chin and his Star Wars blanket wrapped around him.

  I smiled at her and Robbie laughed. “I know you would.”

  “Can I change the topic?” Ben said as he turned over and looked at all of us.

  Caleb looked a little taken aback by Ben’s rudeness. But he still shrugged. “Sure. What’s going on with you? Anything that you’d like to share?”

  “Am I old enough to date?” Ben asked.

  We all stared at him. He wanted to date someone? Since when?

  Robbie froze beside me. “Who?”

  Ben rolled his eyes. “Just a girl. Maybe. If she says yes. She’s nice. She works at the movie theater. Can I ask her out?” He was back to paying attention to Caleb as he waited for his answer.

  “Sure. I guess. Be nice and safe and—”

  Ben made a face. “Uncle Caleb! I just want to take her to the diner for french fries. I’m not having sex with her.”

  By then Robbie had his face buried in my sleeve. Instead of being upset, though, I could tell he was trying not to laugh. “We should totally double-date with my little brother.”

  I laughed at that. “We so could. Right, Ben?”

  He nodded. “Let’s do that. So it’s really okay if I ask her out?”

  Caleb looked like he had no idea what to say. And neither did anyone else. We hadn’t asked if we could date when Robbie and I got together. But I didn’t think Caleb would say no to Ben. And I was right.

  “Yes. But I’m serious, Ben, no pregnant girls. You and she will have the same rules that Robbie and Sam do.”

  Ben blushed so hard I was surprised he wasn’t catching fire. I laughed again and let go of Robbie’s hand so I could wrap my arm around his shoulders.

  I HAD a feeling that Ben’s crush, a girl named Sasha, would say yes to him, so it came as no surprise to me when Ben asked us if we could double-date that Tuesday night. I had never thought I would ever be double-dating with anyone, but there we were, walking down the road with Ben in front of us while I held Robbie’s hand and Ben kept texting the girl we’d be meeting in fifteen minutes.

  “She says she knows you two,” Ben said excitedly.

  I wasn’t surprised. Thornwood was a tiny town, and we were two openly gay guys in it. I was sure that everyone knew who we were.

  “I wish I knew who she was,” Robbie said. “But I don’t know that I’ve ever paid much attention to the people at the theater when we’ve gone. That’s horrible, right? That I can’t think of a single girl in town named Sasha?”

  I shook my head. Then I snorted. “I’ve lived here longer than you have, and I have no idea who Sasha is. Maybe Ben’s delusional.”

  Ben turned around and rolled his eyes at us. “She’s real. And she’s super nice. I really like her. So you two can’t be jerks to her.”

  “When are we ever jerks to anyone but each other?” Robbie asked him.

  He was right. Robbie was only ever a jerk to me, and only sometimes at that.

  Ben shrugged and turned around. He was back to texting a few seconds later. “He must really like her. He’s got this goofy smile on his face,” Robbie said.

  “I do not!” Ben shot back. I just laughed.

  We met at the diner and sat down across from Sasha and Ben, who was trying hard not to be his usual slobbish self as he neatly ate his fries. Well, as neatly as someone could eat french fries, that is. I remembered seeing Sasha at the movie theater occasionally, and she was always nice to Robbie and me when we went there. But I’d never actually spoken to her before. Robbie just kept smiling, and when he went to hold my hand, he held it on top of the table. And Sasha didn’t say anything. She just kept talking about her dog and some girl in her class named Tiffani, with an I. She made sure we knew that. After a while I tuned her out and paid far more attention to Robbie than her.

  An hour later, as we were watching a movie at the theater, I counted our first double date a success. Ben and Sasha sat down the row from us, close enough we could share popcorn but not so much that we’d disturb them as Robbie and I quietly whispered to each other. We were still holding hands. He’d only let go of my hand to put his money in with Ben’s at the diner. He’d paid for me, and Ben had paid for Sasha. I was also getting a lot better at not getting weird about the looks people sometimes gave us when we kissed in public. Like the people two rows up from us. I heard them making gagging sounds while Robbie was kissing me. They made it harder for me to enjoy his kiss, but I was able to ignore them after a while. There weren’t a lot of people like that in Thornwood, thankfully. I just hoped Robbie didn’t notice what they were doing, or that if he did, he didn’t let it bother him.

  “They’re idiots; screw them,” Robbie said quietly against my lips. And I smiled because I’d been thinking that too.

  “Do you want to sit on my lap?” I asked him.

  He shrugged and got up to make himself comfortable across my thighs. We sat like this sometimes when we were watching TV on the couch back at Caleb’s place, so it wasn’t strange to us. But we normally weren’t like this in public. I wasn’t sure why we weren’t since we saw people like this all the time in front of the diner. But they were boys with girls on their laps. It shouldn’t have seemed different, but it was.

  “I like this,” I said as Robbie laid his head against my neck.

  “Me too.” Someone shushed us, and he rolled his eyes. “Did you know that people like us can now get married everywhere in the US?”

  “Yeah.” I’d seen the news same as him. I didn’t know what that had to do with the zombie movie we were watching, though.

  He started playing with my shirt. “When we’re older, do you want to get married?”

  I didn’t even have to think about his question. “Yep.”

  He didn’t say anything for a few minutes. “So… are we engaged now?”

  I grinned and hugged him tighter against me. “I guess we are.” He tilted his head back and I kissed him. His spiky hair was soft under my hand as I held his head and he parted his lips for me. “Are we going to tell anyone?” I asked when we were back to him lying against my chest with his fingers idly playing with my shirt.

  “Would you rather not?”

  I shook my head. I wanted everyone to know. I wanted my mom to bake us a cake, and I wanted to slow dance with him in the living room like we had when we’d first started dating. “I love you. I don’t ever want to hide that. Not from anybody or to make anybody more comfortable.”

  Robbie quietly laughed. “Me neither.” He took my hand and laced my fingers through his. “So. You’re my fiancé now.”

  “And then when we’re ready—”

  “Then you’ll be my husband,” he finished for me.

  I nodded. I was excited, but I wasn’t scared at all. We’d talked about being together forever. Spending my life with Robbie wasn’t a bad thing. It was excellent. It was just what we both wanted. What we needed.

  “They’re going to say that we’re too young and we’ve only been going out a year,” he whispered.

  “Who will?”

  Robbie shrugged. “People. Somewhere. Out in the world. Once they know.”

  “Do you care what they say?”

  He shook his head.

  “Then what does it matter?”

  He smirked. “As long as you know that it won’t be easy.”

  “I didn’t think it would be. But you’re the bravest person I know. I thin
k we’ve got this.”

  “I don’t think I’m brave at all. You’re the brave one, getting on Magic’s back without a saddle all the time. You could slide off any second,” he said with a sigh.

  Being on Magic didn’t scare me, and I hadn’t been talking about riding. But I was pretty sure he knew that. There were still times when he couldn’t talk about the abuse he’d gone through, and I tried not to push him. He was brave for standing up for himself and Ben. He was also brave for fighting back against Daniel. I had no idea how to be that brave. I didn’t know him before his mom died, but I was pretty sure the Robbie I had in my arms right then was the Robbie who had been around before Dan had started beating on him. Just like Ben was getting back to who he used to be, according to Robbie. I held him tightly for the rest of the movie, and he kept holding my hand and breathing softly against my throat.

  I WANTED to tell everyone our news as soon as we got back to the house. We found them all in the kitchen making dinner and drinking beer. Well, except for my mom, who was sipping sweet tea and smiling up at my dad like she’d just been laughing at something funny he’d said. I was going to tell them, but then Robbie pulled me back by my hand to get me to be quiet as everyone swarmed around Ben and asked him about his first date.

  “We’ll tell them later,” he promised me. “Just let him have his moment right now. He hasn’t gotten to have all that many so far. He was always overshadowed by Daniel and me when we were showing and only really got attention when he screwed up. It’ll be okay to wait a few minutes.”

  He was making sense, and I could be patient. “You’re a good brother.”

  Robbie blushed and turned away from me to look at Ben. “I’m trying to be. Daniel wasn’t good to me, and I never want Ben to feel betrayed and forgotten by me like I felt by Daniel.”

  “You would never do anything like that to him. You don’t have it in you to ever hurt him.” I was sure about that.

  Robbie turned to me and hugged me tightly. I felt him shaking a little and I hugged him back just as hard. “Thank you for saying that. Sometimes I worry about being mean to him or freaking out on him.”