A Large Measure of Snow

by Denzil Meyrick

  ‘Sandy, you’re a hell o’ a man,’ said Hamish, looking somewhat forlornly at the journalist.

  ‘I’ll get you the fiver, and that will be the end o’ the matter,’ said Hoynes.

  ‘You think?’ Jo rummaged through her bag again and produced a manila file. She removed a sheet of paper and waved it in the air. ‘This is a signed copy – my copy. And before you think of prising it from my hands in an attempt to consume it, you should note that a third was sent in the post this very morning to the Glasgow Times. You’re contracted, Mr Hoynes, and that’s that!’

  ‘Ha! But you’re forgetting that there’s no chance the post will be heading up the road today. We’re snowbound.’ It was Hoynes’ turn to smile. ‘The postmaster owes me a favour or two. I’ll soon get him to find it for me. End of story.’

  ‘You’re going to interfere with Her Majesty’s Royal Mail? I believe that carries a hefty prison sentence. This story just gets better and better.’ Jo scribbled some more.

  ‘Now, jeest hold your horses. I’ve a duty of care to those aboard my vessel. I’m the captain, after all. In my opinion, the risk of having a wee slip of a lassie aboard on such a perilous journey would be reckless in the extreme.’

  ‘You never read the back of the contract,’ said Jo.

  ‘Well, I canna read it now as I’ve swallowed it.’

  ‘It’s a disclaimer – legal and above board. I signed it. You’re not responsible for my safety, Mr Hoynes.’

  ‘In that case, I’m jeest no’ going to sail, and that’s an end to it.’

  ‘Och, Sandy, consider the money. We’re to get fifty pounds for our trouble, never mind the fine publicity for us and the toon. We shouldna cut off our noses tae spite oor faces. That’s plain daft!’ said Hamish.

  ‘Can I have a wee word with you in private, Hamish?’ said Hoynes.

  The pair made their way back onto the snowy deck; Hoynes, with no little effort, struggling to extract his bulky frame from the tight space.

  ‘Now, listen,’ said Hoynes. ‘I know fine you were doing what you thought was for the best for me, and for the boat. But I’ll no’ bring the warth o’ bad luck down upon us for taking to sea with a woman. Man, it’s bad enough she’s aboard while we’re tied up at the quay, but we might get away with that on the grounds of a technicality.’

  ‘How so?’ said Hamish.

  ‘I brought her aboard in good faith, no’ knowing for one instant she was a member of the fairer sex. No, no’ even a notion.’

  ‘We’ll just have tae sit in port. She’s determined, Sandy. She’ll likely hold us to oor word for weeks. We’ll never fish again.’

  ‘You should keep a lid o’er that glad eye o’ yours. She’s bonnie enough, or she would be if she had a decent haircut. Maybe a perm like my Maggie.’

  ‘I quite like it. It’s all the rage up in Glasgow.’

  ‘That’s it, is it? Fair besotted already.’ Hoynes rubbed his chin, deep in thought. ‘We’ll have tae take oor chances. I’m no’ green enough behind the ears to know that a contract canna be broken. You take her back to her digs. We’ll wait until the agreement is settled later. We should have a manifest of what we’ve tae pick up in Girvan by this evening. Then we’ll dodge off in the middle o’ the night. Sit oot at anchor in the sound, if necessary. We’ll say that the weather conditions were such that we had to make a bolt for it.’

  ‘Aye, if you’re sure we won’t end up in the court.’

  ‘We? You signed the damned thing. If anyone’s going to court, it’ll be you, Hamish.’

  Jo popped her head up through the hatch. She looked around and clicked her tongue. ‘The weather’s worse! Hamish, will you do me a favour, please? I’m not too keen on trudging up the quay and back to the hotel again. Would you mind picking up my stuff? The bill is on account with the paper, so no need to worry about paying. I’m quite cosy here until we sail.’ With that, she disappeared back below.

  Hoynes looked at his first mate and shook his head. ‘We’re in a right predicament now, and no mistake. Make yourself useful and away to the weigh hoose. There’s a case of whisky from auld Hall sitting in there. And I need a dram!’

  ‘Is it no’ a bit early, Sandy?’

  ‘Not a bit of it. It’s never too early for a dram when a woman’s taken up residence on your own vessel. I’ll tell you this: we’ll be fair shunned by the rest o’ the fleet, and that’s a fact. Mind you, it’ll no’ matter, for something terrible is bound to happen that will make the whole thing academic.’

  Hoynes watched as Hamish tramped off up the pier in the scurrying snow.

  7

  After much thought, Sandy Hoynes decided he couldn’t, in all conscience, leave his vessel unattended when there was a stray and unwanted female aboard. First, he considered spending the night in his bunk to ensure that this Jo Baird could get up to as little mischief as possible. But the likelihood that this would become a staple of gossip for the people of Kinloch soon dawned on him.

  His wife Marjorie was an amiable enough woman. But he feared that she wouldn’t take kindly when rumours of his night spent with an attractive young lady were given free flight round the town.

  There was only one solution: Hamish must be a nautical chaperone.

  ‘It widna be proper,’ said his first mate desperately. ‘It would add insult to injury, a single man like me, and a woman – girl – alone all night. In any case, what will my mother say?’

  ‘First of all, it was you who took the notion to sign this damned contract. Not once, mark you, but in triplicate. Secondly, you’re too old to be worrying what your mother thinks, fine woman though she is. Heavens, a man has to stand on his own two feet at some point in his life. Have you no’ been reading the papers or listening to the wireless? It’s the permissive society we’re in noo, and no mistake. You could take up with some lassie and take it into your mind tae jump the brush.’

  ‘Get married? There was nothing aboot that in the contract.’

  ‘Now you’re being right obdurate. When it comes to nature, there’s no’ a mair natural thing in the world than a red-blooded man like yourself spending the night wae a well-formed young woman, despite what auld McNee the minister would have you believe. And in any case, it’ll be too cold for any carnal urges to take a hold of you.’

  ‘I canna believe I’m hearing this,’ said Hamish, sucking hard on his pipe for comfort. ‘If your Marjorie could hear you now, she’d be fair dumbstruck, and no error.’

  ‘Well, she’ll no’ be hearing aboot it.’ Hoynes looked up into the dark grey sky. ‘I’m going tae drop in at the town hall for terms and the manifest. Then I’m going home for the night. A man of my years canna take any risks in weather like this. And who knows what terror we’ll face tomorrow because of your recklessness.’

  ‘And what about Jo?’

  ‘I’ll think on that tonight.’ Hoynes narrowed his eyes. ‘I didna take her for a lassie before she’d her clothes off doon below.’

  ‘No’ the most fortunate o’ expressions, Sandy, if you don’t mind me saying.’

  ‘Och, wheesht, man, I’m thinking. Tell me, does anyone know aboot this bargain you struck?’

  Hamish thought for a moment. ‘Not that I know of – unless folk in the café were taking notes.’

  ‘You, in your suit, wae a young woman in the café? Don’t be daft. The whole toon will be on aboot it.’

  ‘My mother included?’

  ‘Och, she’ll be fair raging right at this very moment, I shouldna wonder. But she’ll have tae get over it. Man, you’re damn near thirty. She canna expect you to remain white as the driven snow for ever.’

  ‘Again, the unfortunate wording, Sandy! And, in any case, how do you know what I’ve been up tae in my youth?’

  ‘Because you hop from one foot to another like a man wae ants in his breeches every time a lassie so much as hoves intae view.’

  Hamish puffed his pipe indignantly.

  ‘No. If I didna recognise her when she was
all dubbed up against the snow, you can bet nobody else will. None of the fleet have as keen an eye as me.’

  Hamish looked doubtful. ‘Aye, maybe you’re right. But what aboot all this bad luck you keep banging on aboot?’

  ‘I’ve been thinking aboot that, as well. When it comes tae matters like this, we have to take intae account the weel of the community. These are extenuating circumstances. Man, the way things are going with this snowfall, the road won’t be clear until after Christmas. We have tae balance the good we’ll do against the spirits of malevolence. But they’re a tricky bunch, they spirits. I’ll never forget the Sunday Tommy Meenan cut his toenails.’ Hoynes shook his head ruefully.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘The very next day the lifeboat was oot and hauling the crew aboard before his boat was smashed to pieces on the Barrel Rocks. I was a wean at the time, but I mind my faither put strict rules in place all about the hoose regarding toenail cutting and the like. If you so much as looked at a pair of scissors on a Sunday, you’d have the end o’ his belt.’

  ‘Och, you’ve got me in a right panic, skipper. What on earth am I going to be at with her all night?’

  ‘I’m sure there’s a chessboard stowed in the galley. Aye, and Scrabble tae. But you’d be well advised no’ to play that with a journalist. She’d likely wipe the floor wae you in a couple o’ hands, and you’d be mair miserable than you are right this moment.’

  Hamish’s face was etched with concern. ‘I’ll try my best to keep her entertained.’

  ‘And don’t let her touch anything!’

  ‘My, Sandy, it’s fair personal you are. I’ve no’ thought of such shenanigans!’

  ‘I mean on the boat. You know what they journalists are like, intae everything. You don’t want her firing up the engine by mistake, messing wae the compass or something of that nature.’

  ‘I never thought of such a thing.’ Hamish looked earnestly at Hoynes. ‘Sandy, will you do me one favour?’

  ‘Aye, as long as it doesna involve the lending o’ money. You know my opinion o’ that caper.’

  ‘No, nothing of the sort! Would you mind giving my mother a call? Jeest to set her mind at ease, you understand.’

  ‘Aye, for who knows what she’ll have heard.’

  ‘I know you’re the man to put her right, Sandy.’

  ‘I am that.’ He pulled on his oilskins. ‘Right, I’m off tae see what’s going on up at the town hall, then I’m for the fireside and my own bed. Marjorie likely has a right good blaze on the go. Just the ticket. Get some stores in. We canna be too sure how long this voyage intae the unknown will take.’

  ‘Aye, lucky you, toasting your toes in front o’ the fire while I’m stuck here wae madam,’ said Hamish under his breath. He watched Hoynes struggling through the drifts on the pier until he became a fading yellow ball in the blizzard.

  8

  By his fireside, feet up, Sandy Hoynes worked his way through the manifest of goods to be picked up at Girvan. Though he never trusted the town council, even he had to admit they’d done a good job. Fine deals had been made with traders in Girvan and their counterparts in Kinloch. The fishing boats putting to sea in dangerous weather were to be aptly rewarded. If they all made it back, everyone was a winner. Hoynes lit his pipe in satisfaction.

  ‘You’re looking pleased with yourself,’ said Marjorie, observing the look on her husband’s face.

  ‘Aye, for we’ll make a tidy sum, as well as delivering the toon fae the perils o’ starvation – and worse, the absence of drink.’

  Marjorie raised her eyes. ‘As long as you know what you’re doing in this weather.’

  ‘It’s a straight line tae Girvan! What kind o’ mariner would I be if I couldna navigate my way from A to B by just sailing forward?’

  ‘Strange things happen at sea, Sandy. And well you know it.’

  Hoynes lifted a crystal glass from the table beside his favourite chair and took a sip of the whisky it held. The phone also occupied this table, and he regarded it with trepidation.

  ‘Why are you staring at the phone?’ asked his wife, who missed very little.

  ‘I’ve a bit o’ a dilemma, to tell the truth, Marjorie.’

  ‘Which is?’

  ‘Well, tae cut a long story short, Hamish is babysitting a journalist on board the boat. She’s going to cover oor trip tomorrow, for the Glasgow Times, no less.’

  Marjorie opened her mouth, then closed it again, repeating this action three times before words would come. ‘A woman, on the Girl Maggie?’

  Hoynes waved his hand dismissively. ‘Ach, tell me aboot it! She has Hamish under her spell. He signed a contract – in triplicate, mark you. We’re done up like a turkey at Christmas. I’ve no choice other than to honour it.’

  Marjorie went back to her knitting, brow furrowed. ‘Your own wife and daughter have never set foot on the damned thing, but some lassie fae a newspaper can jump aboard with impunity.’

  ‘I’d no choice. Hamish fair left me in it.’

  ‘Aye, but you’re remarkably calm. I’m thinking there’s a sum o’ money involved.’

  Hoynes opted not to reply, as he knew well that his wife would expect a windfall from his payment from the newspaper. He’d give her something, of course, but a sum predicated on a much smaller figure than was the reality.

  He reached for the phone and dialled Hamish’s phone number.

  ‘Hello, Kinloch 3550, can I help you?’

  ‘Ethel, and how are you keeping?’ said Hoynes, as evenly as he could muster. Even he could hear the smile in his voice.

  In return there came a scream.

  ‘What on earth’s the matter?’ Hoynes shot his wife a mystified glance.

  ‘I knew this day would come,’ Ethel wailed. ‘A deid husband, and a son tae join him!’

  ‘What are you prattling on aboot, woman? Hamish is hale and hearty – well, unless something happened tae him in the short time it took me tae walk from the quay, stop in at the County for a dram, then dive intae the toon hall for some papers.’ He thought for a moment. ‘Mark you, it did take me a while tae wade through the drifts tae get home. But it’s good tae see they’ve got the miners fae Machrie helping the council boys digging trenches through the snow. Walkways. It reminds me o’ my time in the first war.’

  He could hear Ethel sigh.

  ‘If I’m not mistaken, you were still at the fishing during the war. A reserved position, I recall.’

  Hoynes took a sip of his whisky. ‘Aye, you have the right o’ it there, Ethel. But I fair kept up wae all that was going on via the newspaper, an’ that. You didna have to be at the Front tae experience the fear. And, in any event, I was busy risking my life on the waves tae feed the likes o’ you.’

  ‘Aye, out on the sound when it was like a millpond. It was hardly Jason and the Argonauts, Sandy.’

  ‘But yous all tucked into the fish we hauled in! And, anyhow, they Germans were up tae all sorts, what wae the fifth columnists, U-boats and the like. Let me tell you, every day on the sea was like an eternity.’ Hoynes heard a muffled snort from Hamish’s mother. ‘I do have something to report, mind you.’

  ‘I knew it! What have you done to my Hamish? If he’s got the jail for the drink, you’ll have me tae reckon with! He never touched a drop until he stepped aboard your boat.’

  Hoynes frowned at the phone. ‘Nothing of the kind! In fact, he’s dealing with a damsel in distress.’ The wily skipper had considered this problem, and reasoned that making Hamish sound heroic was the most effective way to deal with his mother.

  ‘Well, there’s a thing. I would expect nothing less from my son. A right gentleman, so he is. Jeest as I brought him up.’

  ‘Ha! You had him as a raving dipsomaniac a second ago.’

  ‘Sandy Hoynes, you know fine I fear he’ll take the same path as his father. I was grateful to you for giving him a berth when – well, when things went wrong. But you must admit yourself, you’re no stranger tae a dram, and that’s a
fact.’

  ‘Hamish can hold his whisky. Aye, and he’s not a man of excess neithers.’ The memory of Hamish taking a well-lubricated header off the pier at Brodick passed before his mind’s eye. But this wasn’t the time for such revelations. And, in any case, the tide had been in, and with the help of some sturdy Arran fishermen he’d been hauled out, right as rain.

  ‘Well, I’m glad to hear it. You’ve no idea how whisky frightens me, Sandy.’

  ‘I’ve a notion, right enough, Ethel,’ said Hoynes, taking another surreptitious sip from his glass. ‘But this poor lassie, fair marooned she is, and no’ a penny to her name.’ Hoynes shook his head sorrowfully, while his wife rolled her eyes. ‘No Christian man could turn her away in this weather. I gave her a berth on the boat and promised her passage to Ayrshire tomorrow when we’re off to get supplies.’

  ‘I have to say I admire you, Sandy. For it’s long before time this nonsense aboot women and boats was put tae rest. We’re travelling the world in cruise liners and the like these days. They tell me there was even a female member o’ crew on the Hindenburg.’

  ‘That’s maybe no’ the best example, Ethel. But the air and the sea are two very different elements.’

  ‘Well, that’s true. But I’m fair glad you had the decency to let me know. I’m no superstitious biddy. It’s a fine and noble thing yous are doing. And if any criticism of you or my Hamish reaches my ears, you can rest assured that the appropriate answer will be forthcoming.’

  ‘Aye, and that’s right decent o’ you, Ethel.’ Hoynes hesitated. ‘But mark you, there’s a wee codicil to this tale.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘Well, I couldna leave this poor lassie aboard by herself. A fishing boat is fraught wae danger, as you know. Even tied up at the quay.’

  ‘What are you trying tae say, Sandy?’

  ‘Well, jeest that this poor lassie – skin and bones she is, too – I had to gie her a bed for the night, wae a chaperone, you understand.’