The Tome of Bill (Book 8): The Last Coven

by Rick Gualtieri

  “That’s what I gathered,” I replied. “Hard to understand Captain Caveman there, but reading between the lines, I think Grulg may have been sent to take command of the invasion Turd fucked up. It’s probably a good thing we showed up here when we did. I have a feeling an offensive with him in the lead might be slightly more effective.”

  “Is that such a bad thing?” she asked with a smirk. “I mean, Colin is in charge again.”

  “This is a good point.”

  Gan stepped forward and proceeded to ignore our pettiness. “It would be dangerous to approach Boston airspace the way we came up. The First Coven’s agents would most certainly notice and investigate. The offer by the Alma presents both an opportunity to circumnavigate this challenge as well as a means to do so more quickly.”

  I nodded. “Oh, by the way, Gan, thank you for showing such restraint during the negotiations. I ... very much appreciate it.”

  She waved it off as if it were nothing. “I would move mountains for you, my love, or let them crumble to dust at your say so. Regardless, this was all agreed upon in advance. If I thought for one moment that you had any intention of returning the Alma’s affection, I would ensure she was dealt with accordingly.”

  Affection didn’t quite describe the look on Muld’s face every time she looked my way. Still, her meaning was clear.

  “I don’t suppose you’d throw my loving husband in as a two-for-one deal,” Sally said.

  Gan glanced her way and a sour look came over her face. “I must ... apologize. I did not consider the Alma would refuse to acknowledge my status. You performed admirably in my stead.”

  “Was that a compliment?” Sally asked, one eyebrow raised.

  “It was. Know that I do not hand them out lightly.”

  Tom stepped forward and put a hand on both my and Sally’s shoulders. “Well, just to be safe, I’m buying you both a package of fur-lined condoms when we get ... Oof!”

  Sally elbowed him in the gut. I held my breath for just a moment, knowing what was inside him. I really needed to pull her aside and tell her not to do that.

  For now, though, it seemed a plan was working itself out, one where we’d find Grulg and hopefully get him to point out the hole he’d used to escape the Jahabich lair.

  “We still have one problem,” Kelly said.

  “What?” I asked. “Believe me, I’m okay that nobody got us any wedding presents.”

  Most of the group chuckled, even Kelly for a second, but then she pointed a finger at Sheila. “Our esteemed MC. This tree transport that these monkeys use. It’s still magic. How do we know it won’t fizzle out the same way?”

  Sheila glanced at her and gave a slight nod. “Yeah. Hate to agree, but so far I don’t seem to have much luck volunteering to go up on stage to be sawed in half.”

  “Probably a good thing, considering some of the players on the field,” I replied.

  “It still presents a problem. I’m stuck doing things the old-fashioned way. With me around, that slows you guys down considerably. Without me, you guys can do this much faster.”

  “We’re not leaving you behind.”

  “Hear me out, Bill. Time is of the essence. We know Calibra has Ed, that she needs him for some reason. But he’s not the only person she has. You have other friends in need. We can’t take the long way around, counting on the fact that she’s doing nothing but waiting for us.”

  Damn it! She had a point. Dave, James ... even Starlight. I didn’t know if there was any way to save her now that she was a Jahabich, but that didn’t mean she didn’t deserve us trying. James, in particular, was a member of the Draculas. Calibra knew that, having pretended to be his subordinate for God knows how long. He was a VIP, a very important prisoner. Sooner or later, she’d play that card to our detriment.

  Still... “It’s a bad idea. First rule of D&D is that when you split the party, you get fucked. Hell, you saw how things went south when we invaded Boston.”

  “We ... you still won,” she said, averting her eyes for a moment.

  “Yeah, well, we almost didn’t. We got lucky and it had nothing to do with our plan working. We need to stick together.”

  “I can catch up to you.”

  “That’s a lot of catching up to do.”

  “Those choppers we came up in are still there.”

  “No offense, but...” I glanced around. This wasn't really something I wanted to say in front of certain company. “But I really don’t feel comfortable with you flying alone with...”

  “With my men?” Gan asked. “Though they are loyal to me and will not strike without my authority on pain of death, I am forced to admit it is a valid concern.”

  “It is?” I asked, surprised she was agreeing with me on this point.

  “The Shining One strikes fear into the hearts of many. Fear can make even the most loyal soldier act foolishly.”

  I hadn’t expected Gan to side with me on ... oh, who was I kidding? The little nutcase was obsessed with me. If I told her the moon was purple and the oceans full of hamster piss, she’d agree. Now if only I could convince her there were other fish in the sea, ones that weren’t utterly skeeved out by her advances.

  Yeah, little chance of that happening.

  “There has to be a way,” Meg said. “That’s one of the fundamentals of magic. Energy can be manipulated, and faith magic is simply another form of it.”

  “Well aware,” Kelly replied with a lopsided grin for some reason.

  “It’s not that simple,” Christy said. “The energy we manipulate is intangible, fluid. An Icon is basically that energy in corporeal form.” She turned to Sheila. “Sorry, not trying to talk about you like you’re not here.”

  “I used to be an administrative assistant. I’m used to it.”

  I, for one, never ignored her, but it was probably not particularly helpful to bring that up. Ah, how I missed those simpler days.

  “Maybe Sasquatch magic works differently,” Sally offered. “I mean, we won’t know until we try. What’s the worst that can happen – we step around a tree and end up on the other side?”

  “She has a point,” I said.

  “The Forest Folk manipulate that energy differently than the Magi,” Christy explained. “They’re forest spirits, so they’re in tune with that power in a way that’s difficult for us to understand, much less match. But fundamentally, it’s still energy manipulation, no matter how you package it.”

  “Shit!” For a second, that frustration within me boiled to the surface before I was able to stamp it down again. “I hate to say this – I mean, I really hate to say this – but what about Decker?”

  Christy looked dubious at the prospect.

  “Yeah, I know. He’ll probably just say we should kill her. He’s a broken fucking record that way, but maybe we should at least ask.”

  Having said it out loud, I now saw what a terrible idea it was. Disembodied, he was potentially even more annoying than he’d been in life. At the same time, Christy had confided in me that he knew his shit when it came to magic. She was fucking badass, but she was also our age. Sometimes you had to defer to experience in these things, even if that experience was wrapped up in an asshole enchilada with dickhead sauce.

  Christy, for her part, narrowed her eyes at me for a moment. No matter what he’d done to us, deep down, a small part of her still looked at him like a father figure. Stuff like that was hard to shake.

  “Might be worth a try,” Veronica offered.

  “Worst case, I can show off my new body to him again,” Tom said. “Fucker was seriously jealous.”

  * * *

  Tom grabbed the bowls off the rough table in the middle of the hut to make room while Christy retrieved Decker’s skull from her backpack. She placed it in the center and then ran her index and middle fingers over the top of it, leaving behind a slight trail of yellowish energy.

  As she did, the skull began to glow with that purplish light that told me its annoying owner was awake again.
r />   Tom flicked a cashew in one of its eye sockets. “Two points!”

  Christy turned and glared icily at him, but before she could say something, Decker spoke up.

  What you see in this imbecile I will never know.

  “He’s an acquired taste,” I replied.

  Ah, I see I am surrounded by fools again, each stupider than the last. The light pulsing from the skull momentarily brightened. Where have you brought me? This is neither that putrid apartment building nor the illustrious Kala’s lair.

  “We decided to go camping,” Sally said. “Figured you’d make a good bug zapper.”

  Christy slammed a hand on the table. “That’s enough, everyone. I didn’t wake him up to trade abuse.”

  So this is what I have been reduced to? Decker asked with a sigh ... interesting to hear in my head since he didn’t have lungs. Am I but a mere magic eight ball, to be brought out when it is convenient for everyone’s amusement?

  That seemed to catch her off guard and her eyes softened for a moment. “I’m sorry. It’s not like that.”

  Gan, however, was having none of his shit. “Enough with the games, maapamba. You have been summoned for a purpose.”

  Murderer!

  He might as well have told Gan she had black hair for all the emotion she showed at his outburst. “We have need of your knowledge, wizard, regarding the Shining One.”

  My killer and the destroyer of our way of life in league with one another? How fitting.

  “I didn’t ask for any of this, Harry,” Sheila said.

  I know, my dear, but a dog doesn’t ask to be bitten by a rabid animal. Yet, when it happens, it must be put down before it can do further harm.

  “Enough of this,” Christy said, taking control again. Decker’s outburst had seemingly given her the steel to push aside her feelings. “We want to know how to make Sheila susceptible to teleportation magic.”

  She would be quite susceptible were she dead.

  “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

  If there were an easy way then we would have done so, he snapped. Sent her to the bottom of the ocean or perhaps into a live volcano before she realized her true potential.

  “She’s not going to kill us!” Kelly snapped. “Just knock it off with that shit already.”

  Ah, to be young and naïve again.

  “And with skin?” I added, unable to help myself.

  Christy held up a hand. “Can we please all concentrate?” The annoyance in her voice was easy to hear. “Darling, please go grab me that chair over there.”

  Tom did so without hesitation. Once she’d eased herself into it, she turned back to the skull. “You said if there was an easy way. That means there’s a hard way.”

  You were always an astute pupil.

  “I want to know what that is. We don’t have time to play games.” She glanced around. “You said it yourself. The Source could be used to help Tom. Maybe we can use it to help you, too.”

  Dangling a carrot? Very astute.

  She lowered her voice. “It’s the truth and you know it.”

  When the time came, I hoped we could put it to a vote, because bringing Decker back to the land of the living rated a huge fucking no in my book. However, there was probably a better time for that argument to be made, so I kept my mouth shut.

  Very well, Decker mind-blasted. Icons, foul creatures that they are, are living, breathing generators of faith.

  “Nothing we don’t know already,” Christy replied.

  Think of them like a live wire. Dangerous to touch, so long as the energy is flowing through them. But remove that energy...

  “You’re talking in riddles, Harry.”

  Decker’s skull made a derogatory sound, then continued. Or weaken it enough so that it isn’t as potent.

  “Weaken it how?”

  The same way you kill her kind.

  What?!

  “The Black Tngri,” Gan said in a low voice.

  “What is...?”

  She looked up at me. “He means the ritual of Baal.”

  BLADE OF CHAOS

  “Wait, you mean whatever the fuck they do to make those black blades?”

  As usual, Freewill, your stupidity astounds.

  “Fuck off, chrome dome.”

  I remembered what Gan had told me about it. It was a spell that invoked the god of heretics – apparently also the god of contradictions, as that made no fucking sense. Somehow, the weapons were steeped in some sort of evil blood, which in turn corrupted them enough to cut through Sheila’s otherwise invulnerable aura.

  “It needn’t be the entire ritual,” Gan clarified. “That would take time we do not have and be most inefficient with regard to the resources at our command.” The way she eyed Christy’s sisters made me think that whatever this ritual was, it involved a lot of hosing off afterwards.

  “I’m gonna assume it’s not particularly bystander friendly.”

  Such an insightful observation. Rare for one as dull-witted as you.

  Mother fucking cock! It was all I could do to not down Gan’s vial of pimped out blood and see how far I could throw his stupid fucking skull.

  This talk, combined with the bowling-ball-shaped asshole in the room, wasn't doing wonders for my temper. I could feel my fangs trying to descend almost as if they were fighting me. Not good.

  Still, from what Gan said, it sounded like this wasn’t a five-minute ritual either. “We don’t have time for this.”

  “Indeed, as I was saying, my love. However, if I am interpreting the revenant totem correctly, then the full ritual would not be necessary; just the end result.”

  The corrupting blood of the damned.

  “I think I saw that movie on Cinemax a few months back,” Tom commented.

  Christy fixed him with a stare, but otherwise ignored him. “The only place we’ve seen that blood is on those weapons the vampires used during our trial.”

  “And in Boston,” Meg added.

  “Exactly,” I replied. “Neither of which are places we’re currently at. So, since we don’t have one, this entire discussion is...”

  “That’s not true.”

  I turned toward Sally, who was leaning against one of the far corners of the hut. “Excuse me?”

  “I said, that’s not true.” She picked up the bag she’d packed for the trip and opened it. After fishing around for a few moments, she pulled out a short dagger, a dagger with a jet-black blade.

  What the hell?

  * * *

  “Is this what you need?” she asked as if a neighbor had knocked on her door to borrow the lawnmower.

  I took a step toward her. “Where the hell did you get that?”

  “I picked it up before we left Boston.”

  “More important, why do you have that?”

  “Souvenir,” she replied blithely. “What does it matter? We need it. I have it.” Calm and collected, she stepped past me and placed the blade on the table. Maybe that’s what bothered me the most – how nonchalantly she’d done so. “Will this work?”

  To plunge into the creature’s heart? Yes, assuming any of you have come to your senses.

  “That’s enough, Harry,” Christy warned, yellow lightning dancing on her fingertips.

  So be it, Decker replied with enough disgust that I was surprised spittle wasn’t dripping out of his skull. It will serve our purposes.

  Sheila had been quiet during all of this, her eyes on the knife and her expression unreadable. Finally, she took a deep breath. “What do we need to do?”

  “Are you fucking insane?” Kelly asked. “This shit is bad for you, as in you’d better be carrying your EpiPen while kicking a beehive bad.”

  “You think I don’t know that?” Sheila gave a humorless grin. “Again, what do we need to do?”

  “Harry?” Christy prompted.

  Scrape the blood off of the blade. Rehydrate and dilute it. Save enough to coat a syringe needle with and...

  “Where the fuck ar
e we going to find a syringe up here?” Tom asked. “Freebasing Chewbaccas would be a fucking awesome band name, though.”

  I could have hugged my roommate. He’d managed to put the brakes on this stupid idea once and for all.

  “I think I have that one covered.” Veronica retrieved a small handbag from her backpack, opened it, and pulled out two sealed syringes. I raised an eyebrow, to which she said, “I do a lot of heroin.” After listening to the shocked silence that ensued, she added, “It’s a joke. Lighten up a little. I’m type 2. As the credit card commercials say, don’t leave home without it.”

  Son of a bitch.

  “Okay, that’ll work,” Christy said, taking one. It was hard to tell what was going through her mind as she spoke. I’d be lying, though, if I didn’t suspect a small part of her wondered if Harry was right.

  Fuck it. I stepped back to the table next to Sheila. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “I know,” she said. “But it’s either this or the long way around.” She looked down at the dagger. “I already let you down once. I’m not going to do it again.”

  “You didn’t let anyone...” Kelly began.

  “What are you talking...?” I simultaneously blurted.

  She cut us both off. “I ask again, will it work?”

  The theory is sound, Decker replied. Maybe I was projecting, but I could have sworn he had a slight cadence of amusement in his voice. My pupil injects you with the diluted blood and it should dull your powers enough for spell casting to take hold.

  “How long will it last?”

  Who can say? This time, the glee was unmistakable. So far as I know from both my earthly studies and my time beyond the great veil, such a thing has never been attempted. Suffice it to say, whenever an enemy has gotten close enough to an Icon to use such a weapon, they have not done so with the intent of merely wounding.

  “That will be enough, Harry,” Christy said. “Thank you.”

  Wait, I...

  Christy ran her fingers over his skull before he could say anything further and he immediately fell silent again. At least I could be thankful the fucker came with an off switch.

  “I think the next several hours will be difficult enough without listening to Harry’s dogma,” she told us all.