The Tome of Bill (Book 8): The Last Coven

by Rick Gualtieri

  “I have already ascertained as much, my love,” Gan replied, continuing to study the magical desecration of this once mighty tourist trap.

  “Never hurts to get a second opinion.” When she didn’t reply, I asked, “See anything interesting?”

  “Quite. The nuances of magic were one of the more fascinating areas of study I undertook at my father’s insistence.”

  “Was always more of an early Renaissance poetry girl myself,” Sally commented.

  “I am impressed you know what that is,” Gan replied offhandedly. “The whores my father kept were barely literate. He saw little value in educating them beyond the services they provided.”

  Sally produced a handgun and pointed it at Gan’s back. “How about I show you all the things I learned in chemistry class about explosive reactions?”

  I put my hand over the barrel and gently lowered it. “Here’s an idea. Why don’t we wait until this is over to sign each other’s yearbooks?”

  Sally glared at me for a moment before putting the weapon away with a grudging nod.

  “Good. Now if we can stop sniping at each other for a moment, is there anything you can tell us, Gan?”

  Without answering, she walked over to the northern wall, extended the claws of her hand, and raked them through some of the symbols. “It is fortunate that we have the Shining One with us,” she said. “Otherwise, we would almost certainly be under observation. This is old magic, however. It is possible that even her presence might not be enough to block it for long. Beloved, kindly order the freshly risen to destroy the rest of these. This is work best suited for servants.”

  “The Templar are not servants to beasts such as yourself,” Vincent growled from the doorway. “We...”

  “We need to knock it the fuck off is what we need to do,” I snapped. “Don’t make me compel you guys to take a chill pill.”

  “As if you could, if you wanted...”

  “SHUT IT!!” Sally commanded. Vincent immediately stopped talking, to which she added, “So much for that theory.”

  Sheila and I both turned to stare at her.

  “What? He practically dared me.”

  * * *

  Being that her Highness considered herself too good to vandalize a national monument, Sally and I worked on defacing the magic on the walls. Once that was done, I stepped to the circle on the floor, intent on drawing a giant dick in the middle of it, when Gan grabbed hold of my wrist.

  “Leave that be, my love.”

  “Why? Is it going to explode?”

  “Hardly,” she replied. “I believe this circle is charged with displacement magic.”

  “So ... what?” I asked. “Half of me will end up somewhere else?”

  She smiled. “Truly your ignorance of such matters is endearing, but no. Did not the mentor say that your friend was taken to Ib?”

  “You heard that?”

  “Is it not obvious?” I somehow managed to keep from decking her as she continued. “If what we are led to believe about the Jahabich lair and the methods of entry are true, I suspect this may be helping to power a means to access that lair.”

  “Okay, that explains the big gaping hole in the floor. I mean, I kinda figured they didn’t dig it to bury pirate treasure, but why not open a portal directly there? Why the big effort to ensure we have to play tomb raider?”

  “I do not know,” she replied after a moment, an annoyed look on her face. Apparently, little Miss Perfect wasn’t too keen on being in the dark on something.

  “As much as I love hearing that,” Sally said, “any guesses?”

  “Perhaps it has something to do with what powers the Jahabich. Perhaps there is something about the surface that disrupts the process. The Templar were hasty in dispatching the mage. She could have enlightened us. For now, all we can do is guess.”

  “Which is probably pointless anyway,” I concluded. “The important thing is, we found a way in.”

  “The downside is that some of the Magi got away,” Sheila said. “What are the chances of them not telling anyone?”

  “Slim to none, which means we don’t have time for this shit. We need to get moving now before that tunnel fills up with a Jahabich welcome wagon.”

  “Fuck yeah!” Tom cried. “It’s about time we taught that Babylonian bitch she can’t mess with my woman.”

  “That settles it, then.” I turned to Vincent. “Gather your men. It’s time to end this.”

  He opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out.

  I glanced over at Sally. “Seriously?”

  “Sorry. Must’ve forgotten to release it in all the confusion.”

  Once she had, Vincent muttered a few unkind words under his breath as he turned to gather his men.

  Before he could go, however, Gan spoke up again. “I do not believe it will be that simple.”

  “Nobody ever said this would be simple,” I replied. “I mean, we are talking about the oldest vampire in the world who also happens to be a master mage.”

  “Not that, my love. I meant this circle.”

  “What about it? You said we shouldn’t break it. We didn’t. Everything is cool.”

  “Displacement magic works both ways,” she explained. “It is a doorway to the ether. We cannot destroy it without destroying the way. However, there is nothing to stop others from stepping through to here.”

  “You mean Ib could send reinforcements?”

  “I mean, any Magi made aware of this place and what we have done here could do so. If what I suspect is true, this is not a natural waypoint to the Jahabich’s lair. It may be entirely controlled by this circle, which means if it is tampered with after we leave...”

  “They could send us into the fucking sun if they wanted to,” I concluded.

  “Well, then we just hurry the fuck up,” Tom said.

  Sally shook her head. “Not that easy, meatwad. Last time Bill and I went down, we were walking for hours.”

  “You don’t know...”

  “No, we don’t. The actual crossing could be right at the bottom of this thing, or it could be miles beneath us. That’s the problem. We have no goddamned idea how this thing works. Hell, I doubt the mages who set it up do.”

  “I am forced to concur,” Gan replied. “This is advanced magic, possibly combined with knowledge unknown to any save Ib. The risk is great. We might be better served by returning to the Prefecture and ascertaining what knowledge the Alma has to share with us.”

  Grulg. Unfortunately, there was no way of knowing if he was even alive following the Magi attack.

  “What if some stayed behind to defend this location?” Vincent asked. “Gave the rest time to find this portal to the underworld?”

  “Too risky,” Sheila said to him. “If the Magi return, they’ll return in force.”

  “Then we’ll meet them with force. We have already done so, taking this place from them.”

  “Agreed with Sheila,” I said. “We caught them tired and with their pants down. If those dickheads who zapped out of here bring back friends, though, you can bet they’re going to be fresh.”

  “Perhaps,” Vincent replied. “But the sun is setting. Whatever it is that I and my brothers have become, that will play to our advantage. We are creatures of the shadows now and can make use of the night.”

  “It’s a suicide mission,” Sheila said.

  “And storming the gates of Hell isn’t?” Sally asked. “Seriously, let’s keep things in perspective here. Nowhere is safe. Anyone who’s looking for a calm retirement for their old age signed up for the wrong mission.”

  “I never thought I would agree with a harlot of darkness,” Vincent said, “But it’s true. This is a choice we’re making, a choice to buy the rest of you the time to end this.”

  “I can’t let you stay here alone,” Sheila said. “I can help...”

  “No.” Vincent held up a hand. “Your destiny lies below. I know it. You are destined to return the world to light. Once that happens, there will be
no place for the likes of what I and my brothers have become, but perhaps therein lies our salvation – giving you enough time to do what you must. The Lord is merciful, sometimes even to the damned.”

  “I...”

  I put a hand on Sheila’s shoulder. “He’s right. Well, maybe not about everything, but this is our best, maybe our only shot at rescuing our friends and fucking up Calibra’s plans ... whatever they are.”

  “I agree with the Templar,” Gan said, stepping to my side and putting an arm around my waist. “Our fate and our future lie before us on this path.”

  I really didn’t like the way she said “our future,” but before I could comment, it was Tom’s turn. “I have a kid on the way and I sure as hell don’t want Christy giving birth in a bathtub full of orange jizz. So let’s do this shit.”

  Ah, as eloquent as ever. I next turned Sally’s way.

  “What?” she asked. “I’m here and not three thousand miles away hiding in a fallout shelter, aren’t I? We’ve gone over this already.”

  “Sounds settled to me,” I said, smiling. “It would seem that perhaps we all have a date with destiny tonight, and I don’t think it’s going to take a raincheck this time.”

  BELOW

  There wasn’t much time to spare. Every moment we fucked around was another that an army of zealot mages could zap in and level this place. That might be awesome to watch, but a lot less fun to experience.

  We offered Vincent our assurances that we would do our best to rescue the others, then thanked him and his men for watching our backs.

  It was time to equip ourselves as best we could. The Templar gave us whatever supplies they could spare, enough to hopefully get us to our destination. We weren’t going to be the best equipped rescue party to ever go into hostile territory, but we’d make do with what we had and improvise the rest.

  About twenty minutes later, we were ready to depart when I realized Gan was missing.

  “Maybe she met a sixth grader and they decided to run off together,” Sally suggested from the edge of the sinkhole.

  “I can only hope,” I replied, “but I have a feeling I’m not gonna get that lucky.”

  Tom laughed. “I’m aware of your dating life, bro. You couldn’t get lucky if you...”

  Thankfully, before I could give his ass a shove, the door to the lodge opened and Gan stepped through holding something that caused a certain Icon’s eyes to light up.

  “My apologies, Shining One. In the excitement of post-battle discovery, I neglected to return this to you.” She drew the sword and expertly twirled it around a few times. The weapon didn’t glow in her hands, but it didn’t burn her either. “Not quite as balanced as I prefer, but a competent weapon nevertheless.” She laid the blade over her arm and presented the hilt.

  Sheila reached out for it. Once she touched the grip, the blade instantly began to glow. There came a sizzle of hot steel against flesh and a small wisp of smoke rose from Gan’s arm, which she didn’t appear particularly put out by.

  “Thank you, Gansetseg,” Sheila said, holding it aloft before taking the scabbard and buckling it on.

  Gan merely nodded before turning my way and throwing me a knowing grin.

  Her motives might’ve been self-serving, but if it would help us cut down a few more of the bad guys, I’d take it.

  That done, Tom, the least physically adept of our small group, climbed onto my back while the remaining four of us grabbed hold of the ropes and began to lower ourselves down to whatever awaited us in the dark confines of the underworld.

  * * *

  I was still kinda cruddy from my mud bath before storming Bunker Hill, so the general dirtiness of the cave didn’t bother me – at least until a foul-smelling water began dripping in from above, leading me to think the witches had stupidly excavated beneath sewage lines.

  Fortunately, I was right, and the cave at the bottom of the drop sloped downward at a walkable incline. Eventually, the packed dirt gave way to rock walls, the sides oddly smooth, almost glasslike. I’d seen this before when we’d been below Vegas. The witch we’d been with at the time had ventured to guess the passage had been carved by fire magic. I wasn’t inclined to disbelieve it then or now.

  Should I ever end up with a house in the suburbs, I’d definitely be calling Christy to help with the excavation of an in-ground pool.

  We needed to rescue her first, though. I stifled a sigh. The list seemed to be getting longer and longer. By that point, I wouldn’t have been surprised to get a letter from Ib stating she had my parents, too, just for good measure.

  Fortunately, they were safe in the relative mundanity that was Scotch Plains, NJ, one of those pockets of humanity the apocalypse appeared to have overlooked. I kind of envied them their spot, watching the end of the world unfold from the comfort of the overpriced leather sofas they bought last year.

  Assuming I survived this, I would need to pay them an overdue visit, show them how much I appreciated them. And, if Mom just so happened to do my laundry and feed me while I was there, who was I to say no?

  I shook the thought from my head, letting go of it reluctantly. The utter impossibility of it all hadn’t quite gotten to me yet, which was a good thing. Sure, we were descending through the earth toward a giant well of magic owned by the most powerful vamp-witch on the planet, but it wasn’t all bleak. I mean, I had some of the best friends in this world by my side, two of which weren’t exactly hard on the eyes. Sure, there was Gan, too, but her tactical genius made up for her creepiness, mostly.

  Yeah, things could have definitely been worse.

  “Hey, Bill?”

  I glanced up from my woolgathering and saw Sally facing my way. “Yeah?”

  “Any reason why you’re shuffling along with a stupid grin on your face?”

  “I just realized I had a little bit of hope that we might actually make it through this.”

  “Oh.” She turned to Sheila and held out a hand. “Pay up. I told you he’d gone off the deep end.”

  Ah yes. Hope indeed.

  * * *

  “How will we know when we’ve crossed over?” I stared at Sheila for a moment and she added, “Maybe a poor choice of words?”

  “Been there,” Tom said blithely. “It kinda sucks.”

  I turned toward Gan, which she sadly noticed, giving me her big puppy dog eyes. “Tell me if I’m wrong, but we’ll know by smell.”

  “Dr. Death is correct.” Gan smiled like I was a prized pet who’d just learned to roll over. She paused and took a deep breath. “The scent of the Magi is still overpowering.”

  “I don’t suppose you can tell us if Christy or her coven were taken this way?” I asked hopefully.

  “Her coven, no. I am not familiar enough with them. The witch, however, yes. I can scent her and her fetus.”

  “Wait,” Sally said. “You can smell her unborn baby?”

  “Of course.”

  “Jesus Christ. I’ve gutted men for looking at me the wrong way and I still find that disturbing.”

  “I’m sure you’ve also gutted them for stuffing small bills in your G-string,” I added.

  “That wasn’t nice,” Sheila chided.

  Sally grinned. “Yeah, Bill. That wasn’t nice. Apologize or I might cry.”

  “Fine. I’m sorry.” I lowered my voice to a pitch that was just barely audible and added, “Bitch.”

  Sally shot me a snotty look, then turned to Sheila. “Anyway, Wonder Woman, what I think the munchkin is getting at is that so long as we only smell mages, we’re still on this side. It’s when we notice other things that we’ll need to start paying a lot more attention.”

  “Other things,” Sheila repeated.

  It wasn’t a question, but it hung in the air between us all nevertheless.

  * * *

  “We should discuss our plans for dealing with the First Coven once Ib and the Shining One are disposed of,” Gan said idly after several minutes of tense silence in which I did little more than breathe thr
ough my nose, dreading any change in the residual smells we picked up.

  “Wait, did you say ‘Shining One’?” Sheila asked from her spot near the rear of our lineup.

  “Of course,” Gan replied. “I believe I am not the only one who feels the time of the prophecy draws near. First, you will eradicate the Magi, and then you will lose to my beloved in single combat.”

  “Oh, this ought to be good,” Sally muttered.

  “First of all, I’m not killing the Magi, even if I wanted to, which I don’t, trust me.” Sheila looked pointedly at Tom, who flashed her a thumbs up. “Besides, it’s not like every witch in the world is going to be there waiting for us.”

  “We do not know what will be waiting for us. However, I, for one, am certain some mechanism of fate will present itself.”

  “Even if it did,” Sheila argued, “you’re still assuming Bill and I are going to fight. Hate to break it to you, but I don’t have any reason to do that.”

  “Spend some more time with him,” Sally said. “He’s bound to open his mouth eventually.”

  Tom laughed and held up his hand for a high five which, of course, she ignored.

  “It is fate – nothing more, nothing less,” Gan replied calmly. “It cannot be denied. There will come a reason for you to face each other. Once that has come to pass, the world will be ours. Dr. Death and I shall ascend to the throne that is my family’s birthright. There, we will rule as husband and wife.”

  I glanced her way. “Just for argument’s sake, what if I don’t want to?”

  “And what makes you think I’ll lose, even if this does happen?” Sheila asked Gan.

  “Simple,” Gan replied. “I have faith that my beloved shall overcome you. Take no offense from this, Shining One, but I have seen the doubt in your eyes. I have none. Mine is a belief that is unwavering. This...”

  I stopped dead in my tracks. “Holy shit.”

  “Oh, relax, Bill,” Sally said. “It’s not like this is the first time she’s driven off the road and ended up in Crazy Town.”

  “Not that,” I said. “Doubt.”

  “What about it?”

  I turned to Sheila. “The only way to get to Ib is by passing through some unseen magic portal. Except you can’t do that.”