I said, “When did she ever make an effort?” He was blinded to the reality of what was happening. He brought a woman into our lives for all the wrong reasons. Maybe if she’d acknowledge me, then she and I could move forward. So much for polygamy. Sigh.
A Rocky Road Ahead
Time just keeps moving forward at a rapid pace, and I’m still finding it hard to keep up. Alec and Carolyn have been married now for almost a year and a half. It’s May 2003, the month of Alec’s and my wedding anniversary. It’s our 7th one.
It’s time for Alec and my annual vacation, as well. Remember we take two of them a year. We always go away, usually to some place tropical, relaxing and exotic.
Alec arrived home from being with Carolyn. It was the start of what I was hoping to be a wonderful vacation for him and me. It seemed to be getting off to a great start.
The day before we were supposed to take our flight, he and I went to the movies. I’m always excited and full of joy before we leave for vacation. The movie was thrilling, and we had a lot of fun. I overindulged in eating my favorites: hot buttered popcorn, peanut M&Ms, and Cherry Pepsi soda, which I usually only drink when at the movies. We then came home to finish packing.
It would have been a perfect evening except for one thing; Alec wasn’t his usual self this evening. He seemed anxious and stressed. I was concerned because this wasn’t the ordinary stress that comes with preparing to leave for vacation. It wasn’t about the packing or the last minute checking to make sure that we hadn’t forgotten the Passports or anything.
This particular stress had a darker undertone. Alec appeared angry and had a mean, annoyed look on his face. I sensed that his anger wasn’t directed at me. Nonetheless, it disturbed me. I wondered what was on his mind. I said, “Alec, is anything wrong?” He said, “No, why are you asking?” I said, “You seem distracted.” He didn’t reply.
Alec had shortened the duration of our vacation this time with no explanation. If you remember, Carolyn has previously complained that he and I had gone too long on the last vacation that he and I took. She had been rushed to the hospital while he and I were away. Thus, I wasn’t surprised that he shortened our vacation this time, seeing that she had a near nervous breakdown the last time. It made sense that he would want to prevent a reoccurrence.
It appeared that Alec was thinking about Carolyn while he was packing. I wondered if she was distraught again and had acted out towards him before he left her. Had they argued before he left her that morning? I again asked him if anything was wrong and, of course he said, “No.” He said, “Nothing is wrong. Everything is okay.” Words mean little when actions directly negate them.
No matter what Alec said, his face told an entirely different story. I didn’t like the particular story that his face was telling, and I blamed Carolyn for having tried to ruin his and my vacation.
I recalled reading Islamic material in which it was stated that in a polygamous marriage when one wife is happy the other one is sad. I think there is some truth to it. At this time, I was happy to be with Alec, ready to vacation. I’m sure Carolyn wasn’t happy having to be without him at home, and probably she had to work at the Walgreens, as well.
Husbands want their wives to be happy, but I don’t know how they fare in getting them there at the same time. I don’t think it’s an easy task for any man, unless he and his wives are all in tune with one another. I can see how it wouldn’t be an easy feat.
Nonetheless, Alec and I had a plan, and we were following through on it. Alec and I left early the next morning for our vacation. We arrived at our destination, and it was gorgeous. It was heavenly. In the midst of all the beauty and lovely ambiance, Alec still wasn’t quite himself that evening, and I was getting tired of it.
His mood kind of distracted me from our purpose here, which was to relax and celebrate our marriage and lives together. Instead, I was thinking about our polygamous situation and not about our new found earthly paradise. I could only think that I’m now here with someone who was probably concerned about what was happening back at home with his other woman.
Was she breaking down? What did she say to him before he left her? Those weren’t the type of thoughts that I wanted to have while on a holiday with my husband. It was not the time or the place for it. I was getting antsy, wondering what was going through his head and just how long his current state of mind would last.
So, I go out onto the balcony to relish the breathtaking view. I was breathing in the gentle fresh, cool, night, breeze that seemed to blow right through me, until suddenly the whole moment was spoiled by something that came over me. It was something that was unexplainable. I walked back into the room and right there is Alec on his cell phone. Was he talking to Carolyn?
If you remember, once before when I was with Alec on one of his business trips, Carolyn had sent me a text message in which she said that she was going to make Alec think of her the whole time that he is with me. The woman never seems to put on the brakes or see a red sign that says stop.
Was it her intent to ruin my time with Alec? I questioned what was real and what was not. Was this a product of my active imagination? What was going on here exactly?
Alec went back to bed. He was now sleeping. He tends to go to sleep when he is depressed. And if he is depressed, something is at the root of it. The more I thought of his preoccupation with Carolyn or whatever was distracting him, the more infuriated I was with him and her.
It came to mind that I should give her a taste of her own medicine. If she was giving Alec and me something to think about, I’d give her something to think about, as well. If that’s how she wants to play, two could play that game. Once I had reached that conclusion, I sent her a text, and another text, and then another, and another again. I will tell you only some of what I said.
I repeated a lot of what I had said to her by text when she and Alec first got married. I think the most disturbing thing that I said to her this time was that I own part of her house. I slammed dunked her with that one.
I let her know that if anything were to happen to Alec, as in his untimely demise, I was coming after my equity in her house. After all, my husband’s monies are helping her to pay for the house that she calls hers. I minced no words in telling her that what I have in her house is known as “marital interest” and that as far as the laws of the state in which we live are concerned, I didn’t forego my ‘Marital Rights.’ Polygamy is not lawful in the good old US of A.
I suppose he and Carolyn didn’t consider such details as that when they were planning their marital bliss. I bet her butt puckered up when she read those words. Let her chew on that until Alec gets back. Let her put that in her pipe and smoke it.
That might have stunned her, but I wasn’t done. I went ahead to say that the insurance policy that Alec had for her wasn’t going to get paid, if anything were to happen to him. He had taken an insurance policy out on himself for her when the two of them first got married.
“Do you think an insurance company is going to pay it once they find out he took it out for his illegal wife in polygamy?” I said. I was irritated with Alec and angry at her. This vacation was for me and Alec’s anniversary, for goodness sake, and look how it was shaping up to be.
Amazingly, from that moment on, my mood shifted and my spirit was uplifted. I came alive again. At that point, my vacation was in full swing. I could unburden my mind and just relax. I had given her something to think about, and it wasn’t temporary. It would keep her mind occupied until Alec gets back. This was something she would think about now, tomorrow, and on every day that follows.
Being in a polygamous marriage wasn’t all negatives anymore. There were signs of progress. At this stage of the marriage, I was able to say Carolyn’s name when I spoke to Alec, without just saying, ‘that woman.’ It seems like such a little thing to say her name as opposed to the tag, ‘that woman,’ but it was a big breakthrough for me. I was a big girl now.
I had assumed that while Alec and I were on vaca
tion, away from her and the hustle and the bustle of the everyday, we’d be able to discuss her. I wanted to find a way to have a polygamous marriage that had some semblance of Islam associated with it. Nothing about what we were involved in bear a resemblance to Islam.
I assumed wrongly that Alec and I could come up with a solution. It wasn’t about to happen. Each time that I tried to discuss him and her, he shut me down. He said he wasn’t going to discuss me with her, neither did he intend to discuss her with me. I suppose he had enough of getting caught in the middle of her and my dysfunctional stuff.
He kept telling me to call her, if I want to know something. I guess he thought that whatever I wanted to know would be best to come from her, unless he was just calling my bluff, thinking that I wouldn’t call her. I tend to think it was the later, and he was just toying with me in telling me to call her.
Alec is not one to give up when he has got an idea in his head. After he had said it to me several times, I thought; why not call her. Although in the earlier part of our vacation I had text her some not so nice messages, I thought I’d take a shot at it anyhow.
I called her. I wasn’t expecting it, but I actually reached her and not her voice mail. I said, “As Salaamu Alaikum.” It seemed to be a day for surprises because she said, “Wa Alaikum as Salaam.” On another thought, I think her response was based on the fact that she may not have known it was me. Maybe she thought I was Naima. I learned that Naima was the person who supposedly got her ready for the marriage.
“I thought we could talk.” I was probably stating the obvious because, well, I did put the call through to her. Still, it was a polite way to start a conversation in hope that we could lay all the cards on the table.
In an angry tone, she said, “We’ll talk later!” She then promptly ended the call. Maybe she was not in a particularly receptive mood that day, especially after I had left those awful voice mail messages for her a few nights before. How did she expect that she and I would ever be able to live in this polygamous marriage setup peacefully, if she and I don’t talk to each other or make an effort to make it work somehow? To pretend that I don’t exist wasn’t working. It’s not facing reality.
I didn’t tell Alec that I had called her. Anyhow, this vacation was exceptional. It was fantastic. He learned how to scuba dive, and we had a number of spa treatments including one that was a “couple massage.” Alec and I celebrated our wedding anniversary too while we were away.
In the suite, Alec surprised me with a wedding anniversary cake; chocolate covered strawberries, red rose petals on the bed and a spa tub full of bubbles that the butler had run for us while we were out for dinner. The arrangement was breathtakingly beautiful. Alec put a lot of thought and imagination into making our wedding anniversary one of the most memorable times of my life. We had an amazing evening.
It was lovely and very sweet of him to have done that. The same as with every couple, Alec and I have our hit and miss moments. Some of those moments can be particularly frustrating and at the peak of some of them, a lot of questions can start warring in our minds. Even with all the misses that we encounter, things like this that Alec does let me know that he’s a keeper.
Being married to Alec reminds me of the movie, “50 First Dates.” It’s one of Alec’s favorites. He must have watched it a dozen times on TV. I’d shake my head each time that I’d walk into the room and catch him watching that same ole movie again. I don’t know how he did it. On second thought, it was probably the same way that I watched, ‘Gone with the Wind’ repeatedly.
Even an imaginary paradise on earth has its time, and we have to get back to real life. Alec and I returned home without incident. The actual date of his and my seventh wedding anniversary would be the upcoming weekend.
Alec, Carolyn, and my marriage schedule had been prepared since January (2003), which means we had been living the schedule already. Alec was scheduled to be with me for six days for his and my anniversary in May. This was a deviation from the usual routine that we had of alternating every three days. I didn’t think there would be a problem celebrating our anniversary on our vacation, as well as on the actual days when we returned home.
When he had mentioned it to me back in January that we’d have six days together for our anniversary, I wasn’t excited about it, nor had I asked for it. He had emphasized his desire to spend anniversaries and birthdays with Carolyn and me each respectively.
Anyhow, Alec was excited that he and I would be celebrating our anniversary during the weekend, as an extension of our vacation. He had talked about it a lot while we were away on the vacation that we had just returned from. And when we got home he spoke of it as well. I couldn’t be sure, but it appeared that he had a surprise planned for us.
A couple of days before he was to come home to me to celebrate our anniversary, he telephoned me at home. He said he was coming home that evening. Imagine my surprise, knowing it wasn’t my night to be with him. I asked him why he was coming home, and he said he would talk with me about it when he arrives. I said, “Oh, okay.”
I then asked if he and Carolyn had been arguing. He said, “Yes. What do you think?” Well, it is why I was asking, to find out. I was only assuming, but I needed to know for sure. I needed to know what was going on, if he was changing the schedule. And what better way to do that than to ask.
“Will you be home with me for our anniversary, Alec?” “No, I won’t.” Well, my ears hadn’t deceived me. It would be a cold day in hell before he comes home to me just because she told him to and will return to her on my anniversary days. Does he take me for a fool?
“You better not come here then,” I said it to him, straight. It was too bad if Carolyn and Alec had been arguing, but I would not stand for Alec somehow drawing me into that web.
“I’m coming anyhow.”
I said, “If you come here, I’ll call the cops.” And I meant it. He, in turn, said he couldn’t go to Carolyn’s house, because she would call the cops, as well. Alec said, “It’s legal for me to come to your house, but not to go to hers.” He had a point. I was his legal wife. She was an acting wife.
Is she married to him, or is she playing house? If she’s married to him, then she can’t throw him out. She only confirmed her mistress status by acting the way that she did.
Alec and I argued on the phone for the next few hours. I presumed he had no place else to go, if neither she or I wanted him with us. He said Carolyn was upset about the text messages that I had sent her while we were on vacation.
You mean the text messages that I sent her when you were all moody, and I wanted to give her something to think about? Besides that, he had instructed me to call her if I wanted to know something about her.
He said that she and he had argued for the last three days. Amongst other things, he said that she wanted the schedule to go back to the three days each that we had started with. He said she had changed her mind about letting him stay with me for six days for his and my anniversary.
Again, the schedule was made in January and it’s now May. Who does she think she is that she could demand a change in the schedule at the last minute?
I said, “Are you crazy to think that you would spend our wedding anniversary with her?”
I don’t think it was an out of place question to have asked. This was an anniversary to celebrate our lives together.
We had been looking forward to it and now because Carolyn couldn’t handle it, our plans were going to change? He had already shortened our vacation because she couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t handle he and I being gone so long. It all has gotten out of hand.
Alec said it was the way she wanted it, and I should not have sent those text messages to her. So, now it was my fault that she was reneging on an arrangement she had already agreed to. He said her job had given her the weekend off, and she wants the schedule changed. She was going to be free for the weekend, and she wanted him there with her on those days. It was what it was all about, not my text messages.
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br /> I said, “If she doesn’t want you there with her now, she forfeits her days.” It was no business of mine, if Carolyn decided that she didn’t want Alec with her on the days that were hers. But it became my business, if she thought that she was going to swap and be with Alec during his and my wedding anniversary without my consent.
Alec said no, she wouldn’t forfeit her days. I then said, “Go to your mother’s house or some place else, but you’re not coming here.” He was an adult and could go wherever he wanted, but he shouldn’t come to my place. I guesstimate that he had no one to turn to, so he called Asiya because shortly after I hung up from speaking to Alec, she called me.
She knew right away that I was fuming and asked me what was going on. I explained to her what was happening and that I wasn’t allowing Alec to come home. She said that if Alec had no place to go, he could come stay at her house. She said that she would call him.
Alec called me back. Talk about blood pressure rising, mine must have been off the chart. I thought I’d stroke out or something. I said, “Alec, that woman can rule your life, but she’s not going to rule mine.”
I said, “I’m going to call my wali about it.” Alec freaked out when I said that. He asked me how I could disrespect him by calling another man about our affairs. I said, “It’s what a wali is for.” “If I’m having problems with you that we can’t resolve, I can call him to mediate,” I said.
If Alec couldn’t stand up to that woman and make a manly decision, why wouldn’t I call my wali for help? Her actions were impacting me negatively, so it’s important that he act the authoritative figure that he is supposed to be. He has allowed that woman to disrespect me since the time that he so called married her. It appears more and more that what he’s involved in is an affair. This is not polygamy.
The Silent Tears of Polygamy Page 17
