The Silent Tears of Polygamy

by Robin Johnson

  I knew that I had to do something, so I wouldn’t lose my mind. I had to find other people who were in polygamous marriages, so I wouldn’t feel that I was so all alone. I was about to go mad not being able to connect with anyone who lived this lifestyle. I couldn’t be the only one. I didn’t want to be the only one.

  Feeling totally lost, as my only resort, I turned to the Internet. There must be someone, somewhere out there who is living the same as me. I was determined to find out. I sought out the topic of polygamy on the World Wide Web, and I came across a blog that a woman named “Laila” managed that was about polygamy. Hot diggity dog! I was in my glory.

  I read her blog and found out that she was a Muslim woman who was in a polygamous marriage that she hated. I decided to write on her blog. I explained my situation and shared with the people there about how I was feeling about my marriage. I wrote that I was feeling all alone and was happy to have found them. Everyone there was very nice to me.

  The blog was helpful to a degree. Finding people who lived the way I did made a world of difference to me. I found that a good number of non-Muslims wrote there, as well. Some of their comments were inquisitive, and others were negative. There was more inquisitive and negative than positive. So, much for a good wholesome conversation. I’m being sarcastic.

  I found that a number of the people there asked Laila why she stays in a polygamous marriage that she hates so much. When I spoke about my marriage, they asked me the same question as well. “Ana, why do you stay, if you’re are so unhappy and miserable in your marriage?” “Why don’t you just divorce him.”

  It was a good question and I had the answer for it. I said, “I stay because my husband is allowed to be polygamous.” I said, “God allows polygamy for men, and I can’t go against what He allows.” “I have no reason to divorce my husband. I love him and he loves me,” I said. “I’d only divorce him because

  I don’t like polygamy. Not liking polygamy is not a good enough reason to divorce him.” The reasons that I gave them were very clear in my mind and valid to me.

  It annoys me that many people readily suggest divorce to others whenever they have substantial problems. No one believes in trials and tribulations associated with marriage and trying to work things out. In my Islamic studies, I learned that we will be tested and tried, if we truly believe.

  Even for non-Muslims, they take a vow during marriage that says, “Till death do us part.” Are those mere words that they say routinely that are meaningless? Because a lot of them are parting before death.

  Why anyone stays in a polygamous marriage is a question that many asked a lot on that blog. It aggravates me when anyone asks me, why I stay? Why do they stay in the relationships or marriages that they are in? If they aren’t in one, then why aren’t they? What’s their problem?

  It’s amazing how someone who is not married and never has been married tells another that she should get a divorce. What does that person know about marriage, without having firsthand knowledge and experience with it? Maybe the person who suggests the divorce is divorced herself. Maybe she wants company. For instance, if I’m divorced you should join me.

  I know they have just as many problems in their lives, marriages or relationships as I do. They have their reasons for staying in what they are in the same as I have mine. Why do they stay in jobs that they don’t like? It’s easy to tell someone to leave something. It’s not always that easy to actually do it.

  I talked quite a bit to my buddy, my wali, about it. I let him know what the talk was about on that blog. He said, “Ana, be honest with yourself.” “You are correct that you shouldn’t leave your marriage because you don’t like polygamy.” He said, “You know you have a legitimate reason to seek a divorce, but you don’t want one and it’s for other reasons that you don’t talk about.” “Be truthful with yourself about it,” he said.

  My wali didn’t hesitate to let me know that Alec was in the wrong to marry a non-Muslim who had just taken the Shahada, having to go live with her and her non-Muslim family. He said Alec was wrong to leave a Muslim family to go live with a non-Muslim one.

  Carolyn didn’t just live alone. Her not so young children lived with her. From what I gathered from Alec, people were in and out of her house, visiting a lot and those people weren’t Muslims. She had an open door policy in which she allowed just about anyone in, from what I gathered from her and him.

  My wali and I had always discussed how we aren’t supposed to take those who are outside of our ranks into our intimacy. It’s what God says in the Holy Quran. My wali said, “Alec left the home of a believing Muslim woman to go live with non-believers.” He said, “It speaks volume about Alec.”

  My wali didn’t bite his tongue when it came to him speaking about how he thought that I shouldn’t have married Alec in the first place. He said Alec knew nothing about Islam when I married him. He said that what he knows of Alec shows him that Alec doesn’t want to live the way that Muslims are supposed to. He likes the life of a non-Muslims more. I didn’t like hearing what my wali said; although, I knew it was the truth.

  For instance, Alec had come home one day after having married Carolyn and while we were having dinner he said, “You know, Ana, I really missed family life.” It was a bit shocking for me that he considered non-Muslims to be his family.

  In a sense I could relate to what he was talking about. It had just been Alec and me for so long. When he and Asiya were married, they had a family consisting of her children. I suppose he would miss a life with more than just him and me.

  Although Asiya and some of her children said they were Muslims, you wouldn’t have known it by how they lived. For instance, they celebrated Christmas with Alec’s family when she and he were married. Asiya didn’t wear a headscarf and didn’t cover the way Muslimas do. They didn’t eat Halal food, either. I suppose Alec thought that I was that type of a Muslim too, when he married me. He got a rude awakening though. I am not that type of Muslim.

  Nonetheless, I couldn’t understand how Alec could call Carolyn’s family his family. It went against everything that I had learned about Islam, our way of life. It’s contrary to what God says in the Holy Quran. God tells us who a believer’s family is. He speaks of it in the story of Prophet Noah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) when God addressed Noah about his son.

  There was no way that Alec would get encouragement at Carolyn’s home to wake up for Fajr (morning prayer) or to offer any prayer for that matter. No one was praying there the way that Muslims do. There was nothing there to remind him of Islam. Not even Carolyn could remind him of Islam in any way. She knew nothing about Islam. God says that non-Muslims would lead a Muslim astray. Alec being with her and her family was no exception.

  He couldn’t control what type of food the people brought into her house. He couldn’t tell the males to sit down on a toilet and not urinate standing up. He couldn’t tell them to start performing istinja (hygiene for a Muslim when the Muslim uses the toilet) or any of the many things that are associated with Muslims and how we live.

  One day Alec confessed to me that he had gone to live at Carolyn’s house to have peace. It then dawned on me that my wali was correct. Alec fled from Islam. He didn’t flee from me. Polygamy served a huge purpose for him. He could escape from Islam. He could live the way he really wanted to with no pressure from me

  I had been riding him about living Islam, and apparently he couldn’t perpetrate any longer. It must have been killing him to be forced to live a way that was not in him. I could imagine how freeing it was for him to not have to live with me every day. He could miss prayer, eat whatever he wanted to, do whatever he wanted to, and it was okay. He had no one to watch over him.

  I was wrong too. I was wrong to have pressured him about Islam the way that I did. No one should be forced to live Islam. God says there is no compulsion in the Religion-Islam.

  Alec said that he left me to have peace. How does that work? Islam is the religion of peace. God says He giv
es peace to those who serve and worship Him. How did Alec find peace in a non-Muslim household in which no one serves and worships God?

  In giving it more thought, I’ve come to conclude that Alec is one of them. He’s more of them than of me. He and I are married, but our worlds are different in many ways.

  Something was seriously wrong with Alec’s faith to love someone who doesn’t love God and doesn’t obey Him, and he call those people his family. He lives with them day in and day out, apparently not acknowledging a difference. I suppose for him there wasn’t one. So, my wali knew I had a legitimate reason to divorce Alec.

  My wali was very wise and knowledgeable. He said, “You’ll only be able to leave him, if it’s God’s decision.” My wali said that I would have to make my intention to leave Alec, but he knew I wasn’t ready to do it. He said that I couldn’t do it anyhow unless God wills it. My wali was good in not letting me forget that God decides all things, and that I have no power but to do as God wills.

  The people on that blog and my wali had gotten me to think about why I stay. It became a regular discussion between my wali and me, off and on. It was an incredibly difficult question to answer honestly. I gave the question more thought, and I came up with some candid reasons.

  The number one reason that I don’t want to leave Alec, beside the fact that I love him deeply, is that I am scared. Fear is debilitating. It is crippling. I am so scared for so many reasons. I know what is out there for the picking in a new husband. There weren’t many men to choose from that had good qualities of someone whom I’d want to live with daily and, God willing, for the rest of my life.

  Before I married Alec, I had a half dozen proposal for marriage, some from non-Muslim men and some from Muslims, whom I turned down. I just couldn’t imagine living my life with them indefinitely. Finding the right mate is not always easy. Furthermore, God selects our mates.

  I’m not going to go out into the world in search of a husband. I know I’d be able to find one without a problem, but would he be someone who has all the qualifications that are important to me? There are men good enough to date and have fun with, but when it comes to marriage, do I really wants to spend my life with one of them? Furthermore, I don’t live that lifestyle any longer since becoming Muslim and being married.

  Everyone comes with some baggage. There is not a perfect person to be found on this planet. Everybody has issues and vices. There are skeletons in everyone’s closet. I live in the real world now, after being forced into polygamy. Expect the best, but prepare for the worse, if it’s possible to do such a thing.

  I didn’t lose sight of the fact that there are many Muslim men on this planet who want to control their wives. They want to tell them if and when they can leave the house, where to go, what time to come home, to get home before dark, as well as what to wear etc.

  I’ve seen it happen. I had a Muslim female friend who it happened to, and it wasn’t pretty. Her husband was ultra-controlling.

  One day I drove to picked her up, so that she and I could go to Jummah (Friday prayer) together. She had asked me to take her. Her husband was outside when she opened the door to enter my car. She was getting into the car when he called her to come back to him. She went to him. They spoke briefly, and then she came back to the car. He called her again, and the same thing happened. He did it a third time, as well. He then left her alone so that we could leave.

  He was clearly exercising control over her. I could tell that she was agitated and didn’t want to go to him each time. She breathed heavily and sighed each time that he had called her. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that he was calling his dog when he summoned her.

  One day she took her child and came to stay with me to get away from her husband. She had called me and asked if she could come to stay with me at my house. She said her husband was going to beat her when he comes home from work. Of course, I allowed her to come to my home with her baby. She only stayed with me overnight and then went back to him. She eventually divorced him. Sadly, it wasn’t all that she left; she left Islam as well.

  A woman is to obey a believing husband. There are some husbands who take the obeying part too far. Some husbands aren’t fit to be obeyed. God tells us not to obey anyone who neglects the remembrance of Him.

  I can’t live that way. I’m not one to ask permission before I leave the house. I let Alec know when I’m going to leave the house if he’s at home. Out of respect and common courtesy, I let him know where I’m going and when I’ll be back, if I leave the house when he’s in it. When he’s not at home and I think that he should know where I am, I tell him. Overall, I need to be able to come and go as I please within reason. I, however, never disrespect Alec about it.

  I’m too independent to have that type of stifling man in my life. I know that there are a lot of Muslim men out there who are tyrants and oppressors of women. I don’t ever want to hook up with one of them to have as my husband.

  I’m much too Americanized for it. I can’t deal with having so many constraints on my life. There are some men who won’t allow their families to watch television, or they make their wives wear burqa or won’t allow them to wear makeup etc.

  That type of man is not for me. The last thing I’d want is one of those type of men for a husband. I wouldn’t know how he’d be until I was in the marriage and emotionally invested.

  Then there is the question of children. I know for a fact, without a doubt, unequivocally that I don’t ever want to have any. It’s a deal breaker for me. I was blessed to have met and married a man who doesn’t want any children either. Neither of us want any. Most men want to have a least one child of their own. Alec and I are exceptions to the rule when it comes to wanting to have our own children.

  What would I do about cooking? I’m assuming that the average man, whether Muslim or not, expects his wife to cook. I just can’t see myself cooking on a regular at this stage of the game. At least when Alec isn’t home to cook, I could go get take out, or dine out, or pick up a plate of food from my wali’s wife. To have a husband home daily expecting a hot home cooked meal nightly would be too much of a responsibility for me.

  I don’t need someone telling me that I can’t continue to be friends with my wali and his family either. It’s extremely important that I’m able to remain friends with them. After all, we have been friends for over a good twenty years now. He taught me all that I know about Islam. He helps to keep me grounded in my beliefs. He reminds me of God. What or who would I have to do that without him as a part of my life?

  I doubt that a Muslim husband other than Alec would understand and accept my friendship with my wali who is my brother-in-faith. Alec doesn’t totally accept it either, but he tolerates it. My wali said,

  “Ana, you are right. If you marry someone else, the person may not accept our friendship.”

  I didn’t need anyone to tell me that. I was quite aware of it from jump street.

  On top of all those reasons, I’m scared that I’d catch some type of STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) from a new husband. The last thing I want to do is marry someone and contract some STD such as HIV/AIDS. That would devastate me. I’d think that God was punishing me.

  I know. You say I could get him to get tested before we marry and have him show me the results. I think there is a certain amount of humiliation associated with asking someone to take such a test. Heck, I wouldn’t want anyone to ask me to take it. It’s not that I’d be fearful of the results. I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking a man to go take an AIDS test, but I would have to. It’s better to be safe than to be sorry. For that matter, it’s easier to keep the husband whom I have.

  What if the man is impotent? I’d have no way of knowing until after we’re married. I know that impotency is a reaon for a divorce, but I would have just come from a divorce. Would I really want another one so soon? And then I’d have to go on the hunt again.

  What if he has some type of fetish or he is some type of freak? There was lot of freaky stuff g
oing on in the series, ‘Sex and the City’ that I used to watch on TV on a regular. I realize that ‘Sex and the City’ is a production but although fiction, it’s based on real life experiences. There are some societies that exist for people who have hidden sexual agendas. I wouldn’t want to get caught with someone who was into that either.

  There are all types of men with weird desires. Some are masochistic or sadistic or into whips and chains or want to be walked on a leash like a dog. If someone can imagine it, it happens. I wouldn’t want to hookup with one of those.

  Then I may end up with a husband who is on the ‘Down Low’ meaning, he is Gay but has a wife as a cover up. It’s bad enough for a woman to find out that her husband is Gay and on top of it, she may contract AIDS from him. Muslim women have been known to learn that their husbands are Gay or on the ’down low (DL).’

  What happens if I were to marry another man and he ends up being polygamous. I’d then be right back to square one, having to deal with it all over again. There is no guarantee that a man will not become polygamous, if he is Muslim. I may as well stay with the man whom I have. What’s the saying, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.”

  The reasons for staying are endless. There is a chance that I could marry a man who is an alcoholic or a drug abuser/user or a wife beater or he is abusive psychologically or emotionally or in other ways.

  Alec very rarely ever raises his voice to me. He never calls me offensive names. He’s a good husband. He’s affectionate, loving, caring, and very sweet. Why would I give him up and take a chance of getting someone that doesn’t make the grade?

  Beside the problems that some men have that I’ve already mentioned, there are others problems that I’m sure I’ve missed. It doesn’t leave many top quality guys out there for the picking. I didn’t mention the ones who are criminals or unemployed or uneducated, as well. There are a lot of variable to consider when a wife thinks about divorcing her husband.