The Silent Tears of Polygamy

by Robin Johnson

  I don’t know why Alec had been so blind to this particular underlying reason. It made me look at him in a not so good light, that he would tolerate being involved with two women who hate each other so much. You’d think that he would let one of us go, so that someone at least in the triangle could have some peace.

  He insisted it was my fault. He said I needed to reach out to her in a kind way. I thought about how crazy that was. Reach out to her in a kind way? Not all my calls to Carolyn had been to fight or to attack her. I had reached out to her sometimes with hope that finally, we could make things work between us.

  The way he had gotten involved with her and brought her into our lives was wrong. He should have let her know that if she wasn’t ready for me, Ana, who is his wife, then she is not ready for him. It’s what I think a man who wasn’t in polygamy just for lustful reasons would have done.

  What had I gotten in return from Carolyn? My efforts had been rewarded with the same old attitude of her ignoring me. Did she think it was making her life easier? How much chasing after, begging and kissing the woman’s backside does Alec expect of me?

  And why was it that he always expected that I should be the one to extend a hand of fellowship to Carolyn? She was an adult too, expecting her to take responsibility was not too much to ask.

  Alec said he had been looking forward to coming home and being with me the weekend but now didn’t know what to do. Here we go again. Did Carolyn tell him again not to come home to me?

  It seemed to me that anytime something didn’t go the way she wanted, she would try to find a way to keep Alec with her as some sort of punishment to me. And somehow Alec seemed to fall for it with him usually being confused about what exactly he should do at that moment. Man up already, okay. Grow some balls. Don’t think I hadn’t said it to him on occasion.

  “Why don’t you just divorce me?” said Alec. I could see how he could be fed up with all the occasional drama. He wasn’t the only one tired of it. The whole situation was tired.

  “If I want a divorce, I’ll do it when and how I want to.”

  If it was good for the goose, it was good for the gander. Because Alec asked me that question, I expected that he should be able to answer the same. I then said, “Why don’t you just divorce me?” He said, “I don’t want a divorce.” Well, then why ask me? Maybe as a way of reinforcing what he said, he repeated himself again. He said he didn’t want a divorce. The conversation ended there. There was nothing left to say.

  Two good heads were better than one. I then called my wali and asked what he thought about me trying to reach out to Carolyn again, as Alec had suggested. It wouldn’t hurt to get a different perspective on the matter. And to a reasonable extent, my wali was not a stranger to the issues that I was dealing with in my polygamous marriage.

  My wali said, “Calling Carolyn and trying to befriend her would be futile and a waste of time.” I hadn’t exactly gone agog about the idea in the first place and now, even my wali didn’t think it was such a fantastic idea.

  I proceeded to email Alec when I finished the conversation with my wali. In the email, I stated that under no condition or circumstance would I reach out to Carolyn to make amends. I said, I reached out to her numerous times over the years, whether it was good, bad or indifferent, and she reached out to me zero times. I said, she’s holding onto the bad that I had done to her as an excuse to never communicate with me when in fact, she never wanted to communicate with me from day one.

  While I wasn’t interested in keeping scores, if we get right down to it, Carolyn had done some very not so nice things to me, as well. She married my husband and told me, indirectly, that I could like it or get a divorce.

  The difference was I had been willing to look beyond her mistakes and move forward. Apparently, Carolyn wasn’t. She was holding on very securely to her memories of how she has been hurt. Most importantly she wanted a relationship with Alec only and not with me. She was no sister-in-faith. She was clearly Muslim in name only, if that.

  In the email, I further asked Alec to realize the real reason Carolyn dismisses me. It was his and her agreement before they married that she wouldn’t have to communicate with me. I said Carolyn doesn’t want to live a polygamous lifestyle based on Islam. She probably would have been content just to have an affair on the side, had he not insisted that they must be married.

  I ended the email by stating, I have no intention to reach out to Carolyn. If she doesn’t reach out to me, he could expect to continue to live with two women who are enemies to each other. And if that were the case, he should be prepared for and expect whatever comes with the territory.

  I said, “Your life will continue to be a living hell on earth for you.” It wasn’t a threat. It was simply reality. If Carolyn and I can’t find a way to tolerate each other, Alec could look forward to a life of tug-of-war. He would be the rope always being pulled in two directions. I asked how he expects to have peace, harmony and tranquility in what exists with him, Carolyn and me. That was it. I said my piece after careful deliberation.

  I’m feeling very badly about what I did with Alec’s cell phone and the pictures. There is no doubt about it that I was wrong. I know it was a terrible thing to do. I realize that I wronged my soul. Although I was acting out of anger and being shortsighted, the person whom I hurt the most was me. I hurt myself.

  I pray to God that He’ll accept my repentance, forgive me and have mercy upon me. I hope that He will guide me and make me a better Muslim. I get so frustrated with myself at times with the slow progress that I make in drawing nearer to Him. I’m determined, though. I’m not a quitter. I won’t throw in the towel.

  What I have been through hasn’t killed me, so I must be getting stronger. “What matters most is not the dog in the fight, but the fight in the dog.”

  A Peculiar Twist

  It’s now four years since Alec married Carolyn, and his and my marriage became polygamous. It seems that it was just yesterday that my life turned all topsy-turvy. Other times it’s as though a lifetime has passed. Whichever it might be, life has continued on.

  I’ve been doing so well and doing wonderful things for myself. I’ve been practicing yoga regularly at home the way I used to before my life changed drastically. I’m back to enjoying the yoga exercises so much. I routinely go for facials, manicures and pedicures, and I simply get lost in beautifying and pampering myself.

  I don’t mean to brag and boast, but I must say that I look my awesome self again. My complexion is healthy and glowing. I’ve lost a lot of pounds. I’m back to turning heads again, not that I try. My mom said, “People look at you again the way they used to.” She noticed it when we were out together. I can’t help it that I was created to be beautiful. I laugh and I have so much fun now. I have outings with my mom. We shop and we dine while Alec is away. I have so much joy in my life. I can’t complain.

  About Alec and Carolyn, since the last incident with Alec’s cell phone and the pornographic pics, which was well over a year ago, all has been going well. I haven’t contacted Carolyn since then other than to answer a message that she sent me. Yes, she still was up to her old tricks. That much hasn’t changed.

  I’ve been getting closer to God by focusing and remembering Him more, which I’m supposed to do. Undoubtedly, I’ve been the better for it. The stormy days and the upheaval of my life has dissipated.

  God has allowed me to finally let Carolyn alone, and I feel so good about it. Not bothering her any longer has helped me to conserve my energy, and I could turn my attention more to God.

  I’ve got some business ventures going on now that are fulfilling and keeping me busy. The enormous lifestyle changes of polygamy that I underwent forced me to mature and learn how to choose my battles more wisely. Some things are better left alone for God to deal with without human interference.

  I attribute my growth to God and having turned to Him to change my heart, as I wanted so very much to be a better Muslima. It was an arduous journey that was takin
g me to the Straight Path that at times I wasn’t sure I could finish. I became stronger because of it.

  Only with the permission and help of God was I able to get up that hill and over the hump to become happy, healthy and wholesome. It couldn’t have happened without my Lord having made it possible for me.

  I have come to accept my polygamous marriage, and I have joy in my life. I have moved on with my life, accepting what happened as that which God had written for me. There is peace in my heart, because I know that God has a reason for everything. He knows what is best for me.

  As to be expected, there were still roadblocks on the path that got in the way every now and again, that tried to throw me off course. There was a peculiar twist.

  I mentioned that I haven’t bothered Carolyn for over a year, which is a huge accomplishment for me. It doesn’t mean that she hasn’t bothered me though. It was another irony of life and the same as with most of them, maybe we’ll never fully understand them.

  When I was chasing Carolyn in an effort to get her to acknowledge me, apparently she was getting some type of thrill from it. I didn’t know it at the time, but it’s now makes perfectly good sense to me.

  Now that I was more accepting of the situation and had let her be, Carolyn seemed to have no intention to accept it. Isn’t it what she wanted all along? Didn’t she want me to be nonexistent to her and not bother her?

  Ironically, it was quite the opposite now. There is one thing that hadn’t changed. She still acted out whenever it was Alec and my time to vacation. It didn’t surprise me, as Carolyn was that way since the beginning. Some of the biggest issues that we’ve had stemmed from Alec and I going away on vacation.

  The difference now is that she directed her anger and frustration directly at me. And that surprised me because it was a deviation from her character. Whenever something didn’t go her way, she directed her frustration at Alec and it hit me too. I shared indirectly from it. If Alec was moody or sad, it reflected on my mood as well, and I ended up being the same way.

  Now, though, she didn’t go through Alec. She came directly to me. It appeared she didn’t have any need for the ‘middleman’ anymore. What happened is, she text messaged me.

  It was a night that Alec and I were preparing to leave for a vacation. This vacation was like déjà vu. Here she comes along trying to sabotage it, not indirectly as she had done in the past, but directly this time. In the text, she called me an “old, rotten, no good, *itch.”

  I didn’t see it coming, so it was a complete surprise, and I was shocked. I had done nothing to warrant this action from Carolyn, seeing that I had left her alone completely for way over a year. Out of nowhere, she sends me the text.

  I had expected that we had both moved on and had gotten to a place where we could finally let each other alone. Well, I most certainly was wrong. I had moved on, but Carolyn hadn’t.

  I thought of what possible course of action to take. I contemplated if I should tell Alec what she had done or not. I said, I better nip this in the bud once and for all and not let it get out of hand. I went and showed Alec the text. He read it and said,

  “She and I were arguing before I left.”

  It was no wonder then. The mystery had been solved. I was Carolyn’s punching bag when she and Alec disagreed on something that she didn’t like that involved me.

  For some strange reason, the woman hates me with a passion when Alec and I go on vacation. He said,

  “You know how she gets when you and I go on vacation.”

  That was it? Well, I suppose I should have known or, at least have had an inkling of the conspicuousness of the timing. Sigh.

  I still don’t for the life of me know why she gets so upset and angry when Alec and I go away on vacation. It’s not as though I get more vacations with him than she does. She and I get an equal amount of vacation days and time with Alec. I assume he give her the same amount of money that he gives me. Is it that she wants me to have nothing?

  So, I was okay with her sending me the funky text message. It wasn’t the first time that it had happened. The difference is that this time I was determined to let it go. I had turned over a new leaf for a good long while now. I had no need to react or to communicate with her. All was good.

  Alec and I went for our vacation. We had a fun, relaxing time as customary and then came back home.

  Fast forward six months later and Alec and I were on vacation again. Remember, we go twice a year. After we got back, Alec was to go to Carolyn the next day. On the day that he was to go to her, she sent me a text. I wasn’t with my phone, so I didn’t know that she had text me until after Alec had left my home to go to be with her.

  After he had left our home, I checked my cell phone and there was the text message from her. She said she was going to go away on an overnight and wanted to know if I wanted to take her night with Alec. Have her night? I didn’t think so.

  So, I text her back and said, “Thank you for the offer, but I will stick with the schedule as is.”

  I don’t want her to give me anything and then expect something from me in return. I’ve been down that road before with her, and I didn’t want a repeat performance. She said, “Thank you for getting back to me.” It was the end of our text messaging about it.

  Shortly thereafter, that day she text messaged me again and said that she was going to be away a few days the next month, and asked if I wanted those days.

  I couldn’t understand why she had offered me the days that she’d be away the next month when they aren’t hers to give. If she’s unable to use her days, I’d get them by default or he could stay in her home those days without her being there. It would be up to him entirely. I’m sure there are days that he wants to be at peace away from her and me.

  I wasn’t being cynical or pessimistic. Neither was I throwing it in her face what she had done before with giving me time and then wanting it back. I wasn’t buying whatever it was that she was selling. Beyond that, it was impossible for me to believe that Carolyn was doing any of it simply out of the goodness of her heart. After all, my vacations with Alec tend to bring out the ugly in her, and his and my vacation had only ended that day.

  There was a catch. I knew what she was up to. It wasn’t at all difficult to figure out, knowing Carolyn and her modus operandi. Alec had been with me on vacation for ten days, and now we were back, and he was scheduled to be with her. She was not unaware of this. Why would she leave for an overnight, knowing that Alec would be on his way to see her shortly? One would think that she’d be eager to see him; after all, he had been gone from her for so long.

  It was simple. She was playing games, and I was in no mood for it. She wanted to jerk Alec around and jerk me around too in the course of it. It was very likely that she wanted to punish Alec somehow, for the vacation time that he had spent with me.

  Even if I had accepted Carolyn’s offer and Alec had stayed the night with me, how could he have enjoyed himself? I’m sure he would have been wondering where his wife went and what she was doing. Against my will, I would have been sucked into that bubble.

  Better to just say no and save myself the trouble. I could have a refreshing, relaxing night at home by myself, watching a movie or reading a book, and it’s what I intended to have. After all that traveling and being on planes, I needed to get acclimated to my surroundings again. I refused to let her drag me into her web of deception.

  There are always two sides to a coin. I thought about what would have been the outcome had I said yes to her offer. If I had said yes, I want him to stay with me, and he said no, he was going to her, it would have made me feel terrible. I would have been sad that he wanted to get away from me and get to her.

  No matter how hard I tried not to think it, I would have surely thought that Alec had chosen Carolyn over me. That would have left a bitter aftertaste for me about Alec. It would have ruin the wonderful memories that he and I had just established on our vacation. It would have been a terrible ending.

  Eithe
r way I looked at it, there was no win in it for me, had I accepted. The only person who would derive any pleasure from it would be Carolyn. There was no good in it for Alec and definitely there wasn’t any in it for me. Nevertheless, her plot didn’t work.

  I thank God much that he allowed me to find the text message after Alec had left me to go to her and not before. The timing may have made a difference. If Alec had been there when I received Carolyn’s message, the offer might have seemed more tempting. This way, I wasn’t put-upon to make a decision.

  I spoke with Alec on the phone the next day. Offhandedly, I asked him if Carolyn was home with him last night. He said, “Yes.” I went on to ask him if she had let him know that she contacted me and offered me her night, yesterday. He said, “No. She didn’t.” He said the two of them were home together last night, and she had mentioned nothing of what I spoke of. Oh, well, I guess I called that one right.

  I then let Alec know that she had offered to give me the days that she would be away the next month. I could suddenly hear the anger in Alec’s voice. He raised his voice and spoke quickly.

  He said that she had no right to do that, as she didn’t discuss it with him. He said she is going to go away with her family, and she wants him to go too. He said that he can’t go because he has to work. He said to me that he was going to stay a few of those days at her house alone just to have some alone time, and then he’d come to me a few of those days. I thought, well, so much for him and her and their communication.

  That benign incident came and went, and I was pleased with the outcome.

  On another occasion, it was Thanksgiving Day. Alec was to arrive at my home and have dinner with me. My wali’s wife had prepared dinner and invited us. This was to be the first day of our three nights together. Carolyn was upset about it, and she wanted it to be my problem.