My sex drive had withered away after Justin. And maybe it was more than just from missing Cole. Maybe I didn’t want to have sex again because I had felt sickened by the thought of what could have happened during the time I couldn’t remember. What was inside that black hole—the void where those lost hours existed?
I had heard of friends in college who had suffered blackouts and I never realized how unsettling it must have been. I had no idea what I had done in Justin’s hotel room or what was done to me. He had free rein over my body and he was never a man I would ever have trusted with that privilege.
I was starting to see how Lexi and Autumn would assume I was taken advantage of. And maybe if Justin wasn’t such a huge egotistical ass, he would have taken the moral high ground and delivered me back to my friends. But I wasn’t raped. To say I was raped felt like an insult to all women who had gone through actual rape. There had been no signs of trauma on my body the next morning. He hadn’t scratched or bruised me in any way. And I believed that in spite my drunkenness, I would have remembered being raped. That kind of violence wouldn’t vanish from my memory banks. If Justin attacked me, I would have sobered up while I fought him off. I would fight back—use every self-defense move I'd learned in college to get the hell away from him.
Banging my forehead hard against my knees, I cursed my life. Where had the emotional high of earlier fled? Mere hours had passed since my date with Cole. I could still close my eyes and envision what his tongue felt like as he teased me to my explosive climax. For a short-lived time, I’d found my way back to where I belonged. And although it had been six months since I’d last seen Justin, he was ruining my happiness just like before. My secret was out and I knew it was only a matter of time before Cole would find out the truth. And I couldn’t predict Cole’s reaction. Obviously, I didn’t have good instincts since I’d been way off base with how Autumn and Lexi would handle the news.
The emotional exhaustion of the day must have set in because I eventually dozed off in the chair. I was shocked I’d been able to sleep at all with my mind constantly replaying my best friends’ words. He raped you. You may have told him no. Haunting words that I didn’t want to wrap my brain around.
The boat was seemingly deserted as I opened my eyes. I hadn’t worn a watch, but a glance out of the port windows told me it was likely the dead of night. My back and neck felt stiff from sleeping in the chair. After a brief mental pep talk, I decided to return to my room.
The bathroom light was left on as I entered the eerily quiet and still cabin. Squinting, I could see Lexi was alone lying in her bed, with Delia and Autumn nowhere to be found. Instead of climbing into my bed, I chucked off my shoes and climbed into bed next to Lexi. I leaned my head on her shoulder as she passed me a portion of her blanket.
“Where are Autumn and Delia?” I whispered.
“Autumn and Blake finally talked and everything is fine between them. Blake is furious about the interview, but you know how much a calming effect Autumn has on him. She’s back in his room. Delia needed Levi after everything that happened tonight with her dad, so she’s sleeping in his room,” she said quietly.
“Did I wake you up?”
“No. I couldn’t sleep. Autumn and I wanted to look for you, but I thought you might get angry if we refused to give you space,” she admitted. After I didn’t answer, she added, “Cole called the room for you.”
“What did you tell him?”
“I said you weren’t here, but I’d let you know that he called,” she said. I heard the mattress creak as she adjusted her weight. She rested on her elbow to face me. “I thought maybe you’d gone to see him.”
“No, I needed to be alone to try and sort it all out for myself,” I said. “I want to tell him everything. I do. But I’m so confused.”
“I understand,” Lexi said softly. “And I’d never pressure you to come forward about what happened between you and Justin. That’s your decision. But you’re one of my best friends, Casey, and I hate to think you’ve been blaming yourself over what happened with Justin. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I wish that were true,” I said sadly.
“It is true. You need to tell Cole,” she said, before settling a comforting hand on my shoulder. “You’ve been worried he won’t get over your infidelity, but you haven’t given him the whole story. I hate to suggest what-if scenarios, but I think you would have never broken up if you explained the whole night to him.”
“I’ll think about it,” I hedged. “I get that we should talk, but I only want to sleep. Is that okay?”
“Of course,” she said, her voice tinged with despondency. Her tone was hurt, but we’d been friends long enough to read each other. She knew I was close to shutting down and she wouldn’t get anywhere with me if she continued to press the issue.
“Thank you, Lexi,” I said, hoping she heard in my voice what I couldn’t quite say just yet. I appreciated the way she protected me and wanted to always make things right. I’d been angry with her and Autumn before, but I’d been caught off guard. It had been easier to pretend that my friends had an agenda instead of trying to see the situation from their point of view. I had always tried to give insightful advice. But I guessed that insight didn’t transcend into my own life.
“Goodnight, Casey. Everything is going to be fine. I promise.”
I wished her words were divined. But when I woke up the next morning, my problems would still be waiting for me. Sleep wasn’t going to chase them away. I would have to make decisions—painful ones—that would likely change the course of the lives of others and myself forever.
***
I woke up as the boat pulled into Barbados with a hard jerk. After blinking for several seconds and trying to get my bearings, I noticed Lexi was no longer asleep at my side. I hoisted up onto my elbows and saw Lexi and Autumn on the room’s couch sharing a pot of coffee. Autumn smiled and held up an empty cup. “I brought coffee.”
“You’re a life saver,” I said and managed a smile. “Just let me get out of these clothes first and freshen up.”
With the all the drama of the night, I hadn’t changed out of my date-night dress. I couldn’t wait to get into fresh clothes and wash away the soiled feeling I had since talking about Justin. My joints still felt rigid from not having a decent night’s sleep.
Although I could have taken a shower that lasted hours, I hurried since I knew Lexi and Autumn were waiting for me. I changed into a pair of white shorts and a blue blouse. Exiting the bathroom, I took the filled coffee cup from Autumn and gave her a grateful smile. The coffee tasted heavenly and I couldn’t wait for the caffeine to take effect.
I sat down in the desk chair. “How did things go with Blake?”
“We’re good,” Autumn breathed out. “I’ve accepted a long time ago that I can never change where Blake came from. But we are fated to be with each other, no matter who had a hand in raising him. Thomas can only make us miserable if we give him the power to do it. But I won’t. I will walk down the aisle without a single reservation because I know I am marrying the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And we’ll build our own perfect family together.”
“I’m glad for you, Autumn. Blake is a great guy and Thomas had nothing to do with shaping him into the person you’re going to marry,” I said.
“I was so damn worried about what people would think when they watched his interview. But then Blake and I checked our messages last night. And the people in our lives who matter the most reached out and gave us their support. The people we care about aren’t going to believe Thomas’s lies and they are the only opinions I should be concerned with. Even Blake’s mom sent him a voicemail with an apology,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief.
Blake’s mom had stood by her husband for a long time and had asserted to the press Autumn was a liar and a whore when the charges were first brought up against Thomas. Recently, Cassie had been trying to make amends in order to be part of her son’s life again, incl
uding permanently severing ties with her husband. Blake wasn’t quite ready to forgive and forget, but Autumn had told him she was fine with having his mother attend their wedding.
“Speaking of apologies, I owe you one too,” Autumn said while setting down her coffee cup on the table between us. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did last night after you told me about Justin. Instead of being angry and upset, I should have given you support.”
“You don’t need to apologize,” I said quickly.
“I don’t want you to feel like I was judging you. I was only trying to tell you from an outsider perspective what I believe happened. Most importantly, I want you to understand I’m here to talk whenever you need me,” she said.
“Me too,” Lexi added. “We love you Casey.”
“I love you too,” I said, suddenly feeling choked up. I tilted my head back to stare at the ceiling. “I’ve never felt this confused before in my life. Up until yesterday, I though the night in Atlantic City was black and white. I drank too much and slept with another man behind Cole’s back. I was the bad girl who deserved to lose the guy she was falling in love with.”
“I think Justin may have purposely tried to put those ideas in your mind,” Lexi said.
“I’ve never claimed to be a saint. I slept around in college and got the rep as the party girl. And maybe that label did a number on my psyche. Like I thought it was okay the way Justin treated me because of how I was perceived.” I looked down into the coffee cup and grimaced. “I don’t think I can see him again. I’m really sorry, Autumn because I feel like I’ve been a total flake for most of the trip.”
“Casey, there’s no way in hell I was letting Justin anywhere near you. I didn’t tell Blake what had happened, but I told him Justin was an asshole to one of my friends and I didn’t want him at the party. He’s not a good friend of Blake’s, so Blake didn’t mind at all making the call to him,” Autumn said.
I breathed out a sigh of relief. “Thank you. Did Blake press you for an explanation?”
“I told him it wasn’t my story to tell and left it at that. Justin is notorious for being a douche to women. Blake has mentioned he tends to have a lot of one night stands in cities they travel to, but I don’t think my fiancé realizes how rotten Justin is,” Autumn said while bouncing her leg up and down nervously.
“Well, as long as I don’t have to see him, I’m happy,” I said, feeling a bit lighter than I had earlier. I wasn’t on a time crunch on having to deal with the Justin situation. I could wait to talk to Cole—get back to Fairfort and explain what had taken place in Atlantic City. How would he react? Would he hate me all over again after the truth came out? Or would he see things as Lexi and Autumn did? After so many months of blaming myself for having sex with Justin, I couldn’t quite shirk off my responsibility just yet.
Lexi gave me a hesitant smile and I could see she was trying to talk to me as delicately as possible. I had never found myself in the role of the fragile flower who could break at the smallest provocation. “I think you should talk to someone when we get back home,” she said carefully.
“What? Like a head doctor? My mom goes to a therapist and it’s bullshit. The only reason she goes is he prescribes her these pills for ‘anxiety.’ She doesn’t have anxiety, she just likes the pills because they zap her appetite and allow her to stay thin.” I scoffed at both of them, although they kept up their mirrored stoic expressions.
“Not all therapy is shit. After my assault, talking to someone who didn’t know any of the people involved was cathartic. I could say whatever I felt and didn’t have to worry about being judged.” Autumn said.
“What would a therapist tell me that I don’t already know?” I asked. I added in a deeper, scholarly tone, “Stay away from alcohol, Casey. It’s bad for your legs. It causes them to spread.”
“I think a therapist can help you learn things not only about yourself, but about how women perceive themselves. I’ve read up on rape culture and there’s this idea in our society that women allow themselves to be raped,” Lexi said and then added in a wry voice, “Maybe if she didn’t dress so slutty. Maybe if she hadn’t gotten so drunk. Maybe she shouldn’t have gone back to his room alone. How about forcing the man to take responsibility and saying he shouldn’t have committed rape?”
“Calm down, Lexi,” Autumn said, eyeing her warily. I could see why Autumn was worried. Minutes ago, she had apologized for getting angry and now Lexi was getting fired up all over again.
“I know I should be supportive and offer you a shoulder to cry on. But I absolutely hate Justin for what he did. And I get all twisted up inside over the thought that he gets to continue with his golden boy existence,” Lexi said.
“What do you want me to do, Lexi? Report what happened as a rape six months later?” I asked with disbelief. “I’m not going to the press with any of this. It could ruin his career.”
“Who gives a shit about his career?” Lexi screeched.
“Lexi, stop—” Autumn started.
“No,” Lexi said firmly. “I won’t stop.” She set down her coffee cup and gave me an intense glare. “Where is my strong and fearless friend? You were the one who has had all of our backs since freshman year. Why can’t you stick up for yourself? Why can’t you admit Justin did something awful to you? Because if anyone told me that Casey Silvers would be the one to say she ‘deserved’ to be raped, I would have told them they had lost their goddamn mind.”
“I won’t do this with you, Lexi. I realize you’re trying to stick up for me, but you weren’t there," I said fiercely. "And since I don’t remember, I can’t say for sure that I didn’t initiate sex. I could have been all over him. You said before that I might have said no. But the fact is I also could have said yes.”
Lexi looked skeptical and to be honest, my words did ring false, even to my ears. From what the bellman told me and Justin’s hasty explanation, I had doubts of my ability to know my own mind. I had been falling in love with Cole. I would have never thrown away what I had with him for one night with a cocky football player who I had never particularly liked from the beginning.
“I’m going to see Cole,” I said suddenly.
“What are you going to tell him?”
“I don’t know. I thought I’d have to tell him everything before I saw Justin again. But I feel like I should wait until we’re back in Fairfort. I need to figure out some stuff for myself first before talking to him,” I said decidedly. Wanting to change the subject, I asked, “Where’s Delia been? I haven’t seen her since last night.”
“She’s been spending time with Levi. The interview probably hit her the hardest,” Autumn said, furrowing her brow. “I have so much hate inside me about Thomas. It’s almost easy for me to take solace in the fact that although there’s a man who I hate with every fiber of my being, he will never find a way to hurt me again. For Delia, it’s complicated. She hates what her father has done, but I don’t think she could ever hate him entirely. For her, he was a good dad and it’s hard for her to reconcile what she knows of him with what he did to me.”
“You and Blake are good to her,” I said softly. “I know it took her a while to come around and believe that her father assaulted you. But Delia is solid and as much as the truth hurts, she has accepted her father isn’t the person she thought he was.”
I looked back and forth between Lexi and Autumn and something shifted inside of me as I noted their matching sullen expressions. We were supposed to be on vacation—goddamn it. Autumn’s bachelorette was supposed to be a blast. Not overflowing with more drama than when I starred in my high school’s production of The Crucible.
“We need a reset right this minute,” I said, pumping my arm for emphasis.
Autumn eyed me up cagily. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that we’re in probably one of the most beautiful places in the world and we’re acting like we’re at a funeral. I refuse to let Justin ruin another moment of this trip for me and I want you to do the sam
e with Thomas,” I said with a defiant tilt of my chin.
“She’s right, Autumn. You’re only going to have one chance to have a bachelorette party. You don’t want to regret letting Thomas spoil it,” Lexi said and caught my eye.
I nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. Because that’s exactly what Thomas wants. He knows your wedding is coming up and the interview was such a pathetic attempt to try to piss on your happiness. Thomas doesn’t realize that you and Blake are unbreakable.”
“Thanks, girls,” Autumn said. “But we’re not simply dealing with Thomas. We still have to talk about Justin—”
I cut her off quickly. “Justin is a non-issue. He’s a pig now and will still be a pig when we get back home. We have two days left and dealing with Justin is not on the agenda. Having fun is.”
Autumn crossed her arms over her chest, but didn’t argue with me. “Fine. What do we have planned for today?” Autumn asked.
“Cave tour with the men and then a beach day afterwards for the ladies,” Lexi said.
“Okay. That sounds fun. Seeing Harrison’s Cave was actually something I was really looking forward to,” Autumn said and I could see her starting to perk up.
“Good. The tour leaves in a couple of hours. Gives us plenty of time to shower and pack our stuff for the day,” Lexi said.
“While you ladies are showering, I’ll stop by Cole’s room. I don’t want him to think I’m blowing him off after we had such a great time together last night,” I said.
As I finished getting ready, I tried to stop my gut from flip-flopping from nerves. I wanted to see Cole so badly that the yearning was almost too much to physically take. But in fewer than twelve hours, my world had changed. I didn’t know how to act around Cole—how to pretend to be normal. A large part of me wanted to accept Cole’s forgiveness and move on.
Would it somehow be easier if I told Cole that he had nothing to hold against me any longer? The idea was enticing, but then that would mean embracing the idea I was raped. And I couldn’t. I mentally couldn’t label myself as a rape victim. Maybe consent had been dubious, but I wasn’t sure if there could even be legal ramifications for what had happened to me. Ever since I talked to Autumn and Lexi, a twisted artist had taken up residence inside my brain—drawing pictures of what could have possibly happened while I was unconscious. Pictures I never ever wanted to see.
The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn #3) Page 14
