The truth was the night with Justin had serious, long-lasting ramifications. The heartache over losing Cole was the hardest, but my feelings about sex had altered after that night. I had been projecting. All the dirty and disgusting feelings I should have had toward Justin, I put on myself. I didn’t want sex because I had felt undesirable.
But Cole had awoken my needs again. I had been stuck inside a room of dull, discolored wallpaper and he had torn it down—replacing the walls with bright splashes of color. His mouth and his hands were attuned to my body. When he touched me, he made me feel like we were both melting, fusing into one single person who had the same exact desires. And I was ready to have all of him once again.
Chapter Sixteen
My knock was timid once I reached Cole’s room. Cole could read me too well and I didn’t want him to sense my confusion. My biggest fear was he would mistake my feelings for misgivings over our relationship.
I inwardly groaned as the wrong twin answered the door with a shit-eating grin on his face. Evan leaned back and allowed his eyes to leisurely take me in from top to bottom. “A little early for a booty call?”
“Don’t you have a circus freak to screw?”
Evan guffawed. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you sound jealous.” He chewed his lower lip as he considered me. “Do you want to audition? Saura can fold her legs behind her neck for a sick amount of time. Want to give it a try?”
“You’re revolting,” I said with a shake of my head. “You probably made this girl up and have been somewhere beating one out the whole time.”
He waved his hand in front of my face. “I’d tell you to smell my fingers, but I have more class than that.”
I gave him a weary sigh. “Where’s your brother?”
“Does it hurt, Casey?”
“Huh?”
“Does the stick up your ass hurt?”
Cole came up from behind his brother and shoved him aside. “Are you really letting her inside?” Evan asked Cole in disbelief. “Because if it was up to me, Casey, I’d tell you to not let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya.”
“Good thing it’s not up to you,” Cole said with quiet menace in his voice.
Evan shrugged and walked away. Cole gave me a warm smile and I felt all the darkness that I had been fighting against flee immediately.
Cole was wet and shirtless, obviously freshly showered. He smelled incredible, like he had recently taken a dip in a fresh mountain spring. Water droplets ran down the chiseled planes of his chest and I was riveted by the trails they made down his body. If his brother wasn’t in the room, I’d be on top of Cole in five seconds flat.
“Hey, I tried calling last night,” he said, leaning against the frame.
“I know. I took a walk around the ship. It was an intense night,” I said.
He leaned forward and lowered his voice. “Are we good? Because things are moving crazy fast, although we talked about taking it slow.”
I frowned at him and tried not to let my emotions get the better of me. There was a taint that would follow us around always. There wasn’t an infallible trust between us. With Cole carrying around the belief I cheated, he would endlessly question our bond.
“We’re more than good, I promise,” I said with a shy smile.
“Will you both either shut up or fuck already? Listening to you two is like being stuck inside a Lifetime movie,” Evan called out from the room.
Cole stepped forward and shut the door to block out his brother. My body moved forward on its own and I found myself resting my head against his chest. He put his arms around my waist, hugging me to him like I was the most precious possession in his world. His heart sounded strong and steady and I knew he had the power to chase all my demons away.
“I missed you,” I said in a soft whisper against his chest.
“I missed you too. I wished you could have stayed over last night,” he said and brushed a soft kiss on top of my head.
“I mean I’ve missed you since the winter. We should’ve talked. I should’ve tried to see you and explain everything,” I said.
His body stiffened and I damned myself for killing the mood. “We can’t change the past. I missed you too, but maybe I needed the space. If I hadn’t missed you so damn much, then I would have never realized that I don’t want to be without you. What happened in Atlantic City wasn’t easy for me to accept and I know we have to work through it, but we have time for that. But for the time being, why don’t we forget about all the shit from before and concentrate on the here and now?”
I pulled back and placed my fingertips on the rough stubble on his cheeks. “Sounds good to me.” His lips found mine and I loved the sweetness of his kiss. He explored my mouth slowly and sensually. It was as if we were the only two people in the world who existed.
His hand got tangled in my blonde curls and the kiss became more passionate. I was drowning in him and didn’t want to come up for air. He tasted delicious and I was hungry for more of him. Playfully I nipped at his lower lip and he let out a low, pleasurable groan. I smoothed my palms over his shoulders, enjoying the tense feel of his muscles.
Suddenly, we broke apart as the door to his cabin flung open. Cole stumbled backwards as I shifted to the side of the hallway. I smoothed down my hair and shot Evan a pissed-off look. I wasn’t embarrassed he caught me kissing his brother, I was only irritated he had interrupted.
“You two,” Evan said in a mocking tone. “Ever play Fuck, Marry or Kill, Casey? Because let me tell you, each day it changes between you and my brother. Before the cruise, I would’ve thought he’d pick kill for sure. Then, once we left Puerto Rico, I would have guessed a revenge fuck. But by the looks of things, marry would have been the best pick.”
My face flushed as I realized the implications of his words. Evan knew I had cheated on his twin. I couldn’t be angry with Cole for telling his brother, but I did feel humiliated. I had thought his antagonism had been unwarranted. I thought Evan was just being his same old wiseass self. I never guessed his jokes had bite to them. He hadn’t outright called me a cheating whore for messing around on his brother and I momentarily wondered why. But the reason was obvious. Cole had told him to keep the cheating under wraps. Cole had a soft spot for me, even after I told him I slept with another man. He may have been furious at me, but he still went out of his way to protect my reputation. No wonder I felt completely empty without him in my life.
“Casey, are you okay?” Cole’s deep timbre interrupted my thoughts.
I blinked hard at him and looked over his shoulder sheepishly at Evan. I could usually shrug off Evan as an arrogant dick, but I felt off-kilter. Since talking to Lexi and Autumn, I felt like someone else was inside my body and brain. This new Casey was shy, awkward and struggled how to put into words how she felt.
My brain needed to turn off. If I could just shut out all my thoughts, I could fix everything. I could drag off Cole to somewhere private and we could screw my brain on right.
But what if I couldn’t go through with it? What if Cole and I were alone and the moment I felt him inside of me, the dam broke and all the bad memories about Justin were released? And I wanted those memories to stay sealed. Because I didn’t think I could stand to remember.
Did I ask Justin for it? Did I beg him to bed me? Or did I say no? Did I plead with him to leave me alone? Either scenario made me want to curl into myself and never come out again.
“Casey, I was just kidding. You know my bro and I practically share the same thoughts and we would both pick marry for the game,” Evan said with an awkward laugh once he seemed to notice I wasn’t responding with my typical combativeness.
“I’m fine,” I said finally and waved him off to emphasize my point. “I had food poisoning yesterday and I must still be feeling off.”
I hated lying, but the timing for honesty was terrible. Cole and I needed to get back home to figure out our issues. Exorcising our demons on a cruise with all of our closest friends and famil
y was next to impossible.
“Gross,” Evan said, scrunching his nose together in distaste. He addressed his brother, “Dude, she is looking a little green. Help the girl out and take her in the room and give her the Shocker.” Evan smirked at me. “Believe me, you’ll be thanking me later.”
Once again, Cole shoved his brother back into the room and grunted at him. “Too far. Would it kill you to show a little respect once in a while?”
“Not my style,” Evan said. “Anyway, I’m only trying to help. Saura lost her shit when I broke out the Shocker. It may end up being my signature move.” I read enough Cosmopolitan articles to know what he was referring to. I had been bullshitting about feeling sick, but the visual of Evan fingering some poor girl and then shoving a finger up her ass was enough to make me truly feel nauseous. He may have been Cole’s twin, but there was zero physical attraction to him on my part.
Cole knocked him back powerfully until he was fully back inside their room. Before his brother could protest, Cole slammed the door shut. He turned back to me. “Sorry about that. I think he acts out when Levi and I are dating someone. Cole referred to Delia as Yoko Ono for a good three months when she first got together with Levi.”
I rubbed his cheek affectionately. “Evan doesn’t faze me. He doesn’t want to lose his wingman, so he tries to scare me away with his crude humor.”
He put his hand on the doorframe and stared down at me. “I’ve been a shitty wingman anyway.”
“Oh yeah?”
I didn’t want to ask, but I had been burning with curiosity about our time apart. Did Cole lose himself in scores of women to forget about me? I wasn’t naïve about his past as a self-proclaimed baller who hadn’t kept a woman around long enough to have breakfast together the next morning.
“You’ve had me for a long time, Casey. Probably before you even noticed me, I’ve wanted only you. And when we broke up, nothing changed. You still owned me. And although it was torture to only want you, I couldn’t fight it,” he admitted quietly.
My heart bled for him. To make himself so vulnerable after what I put him through only made me realize how much Cole was willing to risk in order to give me a second chance. “I love you,” I said in a steady and strong tone.
I needed to be the first one to say the words. I had to take the leap without the assuredness that Cole would say the words back. Because if I wanted to fix what had broken between us, I had to put myself out there.
I kissed him before he could speak. He didn’t need to say he loved me back. I could earn his love and trust over time. But he had to know how I felt. He had to understand that I wasn’t using him or playing a sick game with his heart. I didn’t want to pretend that we were only satisfying mutual lust. I had real, very intense feelings. Feelings that made me realize that I never wanted to let Cole go. I may have to fight against my own issues to have a happy ending with him, but he was worth any battle.
I kept my lips pressed into his and didn’t let go. I bonded my love for him, using my kiss to tell him that we were an unstoppable force. The world could throw what they wanted at us, but we would still be standing together.
Finally, we broke apart. He breathed, “This is so hard. My self-control keeps slipping and I keep imagining different spots around the boat I can sneak away with you.”
“I feel the same way. But my best friend needs me. We have to leave soon for the cave tour.”
We needed reality. We needed friends and obligations to remind us that being a couple would be more than a handful of secret trysts on vacation. In the real world, we both had jobs and we both had our own lives. There would be late nights on the road for him playing with Trojan Jedi. And late nights for me closing the restaurant. We needed those trials—the tests to see if we could really trust one another.
He gave me a kiss on my cheek and stayed close. “We will have our time together soon,” he said, his voice low and just for me. He continued, “And I don’t need any special tricks to make you finish for me. I have the exact spots memorized that will have you coming hard.”
On unsteady legs, I toddled away from him, but I could hear his sexy chuckle from far down the hall. He was wrong. I was the one who was owned.
Chapter Seventeen
“Did you know that although the cave was discovered in the 1700s, most of it remained unexplored until the 1970s?” Autumn whispered.
Blake patted her knee affectionately although from the glazed look in his eyes, I could tell he was likely bored. He wouldn’t voice his disinterest though, especially since Autumn was finally upbeat again after a disastrous couple of days.
Our group was shoved together in a small tram and traveling down into the depths of Harrison’s Cave. I could tell some of the men were disinterested in the tour, but I was amazed along with Autumn. There were a handful of beautiful caves back in Pennsylvania, but they paled in comparison to the natural formations and waterfalls inside Harrison’s Cave.
The seating in the tram had turned out to be fairly random with me winding up next to Blake, Autumn and Delia. Lexi, Cole, Evan and Levi were in the row behind us. As difficult as it was, I had only turned around a handful of times to catch Cole’s eye. I felt like we had developed our own language and I could tell exactly where his mind was headed as he shot a sexy smile my way. It would be a challenge to keep my knees firmly together during the two days we had left on the vacation.
Blake leaned my way as the tour guide droned on about facts regarding the cave. Autumn was enraptured and leaned forward, seemingly hanging on every word. Blake whispered, “Should I be concerned? I’ve heard that there are modern cave people. They live in the side of mountains, cook over fires and dig holes in the ground for their bathrooms.”
I held back a snort. “You’ve tasted Autumn’s cooking, right? I don’t think the girl would survive without a microwave.”
He let out a small laugh. His expression turned serious as he kept his tone low. “Autumn warned me about Justin. Anything I should know about?”
My eyes widened as Blake’s question caught me by surprise. “How did you know she was talking about me?” I whispered back.
Blake’s green eyes flashed with regret as he admitted, “Process of elimination. If he hit on my sister or Autumn, he would know I’d break both his arms. And since Lexi has been with Finn forever…”
“This is awkward for me,” I said, staring down at his shoes.
Blake patted my arm. “Don’t feel awkward on my behalf. He’s not someone I would even call a friend. He’s buddies with a few of the other guys on the team, but I think he’s a snake. But there’s politics in football. As the quarterback, I have to act like everyone on the team is all part of one big happy family. Otherwise, there is no trust on the field.”
I gave him a rueful look. “What were you saving that line for an ESPN sound bite?”
He smothered his laugh. After a second, he continued in a serious voice, “Look, you’re Autumn’s best friend and I can’t tell you how often she’s told me the many ways you had her back. If you need me to take care of Justin, I’m on it.”
I could have hugged him at the moment. Autumn had chosen a good one and I had no worries about her future as Mrs. Blake Preston. “As long as I don’t have to see the slime ball ever again, I’m happy.”
“Consider it done,” Blake said, relaxing back further in his seat. He still kept his voice down enough to ensure our conversation remained private. “I think he shit himself when I uninvited him. I hung up on him after he told me he was sending me the bill for his plane ticket and hotel room.”
Without waiting for a reply, he turned back to listen to the tour guide. Blake’s words uncoiled another bit of the tension that had been living inside me for months. I made the right decision by opening up to Lexi and Autumn. I had confidence Blake would keep his promise and guarantee I never would have the constant fear of running into Justin again. If Justin didn’t exist in my world, he was harmless.
Being deep inside a cavern
in a beautiful tropical country filled me with renewed faith. I’d been stuck in suspended animation since January. Not able to look forward, trapped by my regrets in the past. I didn’t have to be defined by one night. I could move on and find my way to love once again.
The tram stopped in front of a cluster of stalagmites growing out of the cavern floor, clustered in tight rows. I peered around Blake, reached over him and got a hold of Autumn’s hand. I gave it a quick squeeze. “This is incredible.”
“I know! I feel like we’ve found a hidden world. It’s so romantic. I could picture having our wedding down here,” she said with a dreamy sigh.
Evan guffawed from behind us. “Romantic? All I see is rows and rows of dildos.”
Autumn spun around, affronted. Before she could say anything, Levi's and Cole’s raucous laughter silenced her. I turned to Cole and narrowed my eyes. He gave a shrug. “What? He can be occasionally funny.”
“They should rewrite the brochure,” Levi added helpfully. “Come See the Stalagmites of Harrison’s Cave: Nature’s Dildos.”
“I hate you all,” Autumn announced with an exaggerated pout.
“Hey, I thought I was invited to a bachelor party. Pussy talk and seeing titties is a given,” Evan said and ran a hand through his faux-hawk. He added slyly, “Blake didn’t provide any strippers, but Lexi did flash us all when that wave hit her in Saint Lucia.”
“Just what I lived for. To find my way into your spank bank,” Lexi said drily.
The tour guide gave our group an evil glare as we all doubled over in laughter. At the moment, I had the greatest sense of belonging. I was with my family. We were silly, imperfect and I loved each and every one of them forever.
The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn #3) Page 15
