Through the Mist

by Ferrell, Cece

  “Of course, you can ask me anything, Rosalind.” His smile both warmed me and made me shiver at the same time.

  “Do you ever think about going away, Archer? I mean, leaving for good?”

  From the look on his face, from the tender, caring gleam in his eyes, I wasn’t able to hide the sadness from my voice. I almost hated myself for asking the question and I didn’t want him to answer for fear of what it would be, but I couldn’t take the words back—they already sat between us, sinking like a dead weight in the ocean, threatening to bring us both down with them.

  He raised his hand slightly; the movement was almost imperceptible. I think anyone less connected to him wouldn’t have even noticed it, but I did. I could see the war in his eyes, the desire to reach out and touch me he was almost able to hide. Just as quickly as I saw his true intentions, his mask was back up, making him unreadable.

  “Rosalind,” he sighed finally.

  He fell silent again, contemplating how much of his truth he was going to reveal to me. It was so funny, even after only knowing each other for the short amount of time we had, we already knew each other so well. We read each other like our most worn, favorite books.

  I tried to push down the want to caress him the way I often did my most beloved books, sought to deny the desire to have him caress me in the same way. Heat began to rise from my chest, up my neck, and into my cheeks. He would notice my blush soon, and I only hoped he wouldn’t ask what caused it. I didn’t think I had the strength at the moment to not answer honestly. I clasped my hands together, looking at the delicate lines and veins in my hands instead.

  “Before you came along, yes, I considered finding a way to leave this place behind. I’d grown tired of being alone here, even when there were occupants. I grew to hate not being able to make contact with the people I shared this space with, or not wanting to make contact.”

  Archer closed his eyes and his features pinched, as though his confession was causing him physical pain. I wanted to say something, anything to comfort him, but I couldn’t find the words.

  “I put so much thought into what I needed to do to put my spirit at ease so I could leave. Then I saw you step through the doors of this house and for the first time in both my mortal life and my afterlife, there was genuine peace in my soul. I felt a pull to you, as though there was a rope binding us together. I—I couldn’t leave. I had to try to get to know you, to see if it was solely over a century of bone-deep loneliness that made me feel this way.”

  “And was it?”

  “I can honestly tell you now, it was not. It was the person you are, the person I am. I don’t know why we are so connected. I only know I cannot, do not want this connection severed.”

  We both sat there in stunned silence. Archer looked surprised and baffled by his words, seemingly unsure how he allowed such honesty to spill from his lips. I was shocked by how deeply his truth resonated within me.

  This connection should feel wrong. But it didn’t. It had brought peace and an inexplicable sense of comfort when I walked into this home, when we first met. I couldn’t deny those feelings had only grown since then. Until now, this thing between us was something we had mostly avoided and ignored, as though speaking of it would make us complicit in something wrong and dangerous.

  Neither of us knew what to say or where to go from here. So we both sat there, nearly touching, but not. His fingertips danced along the back of my hand, along my cheek. I hadn’t realized I had closed my eyes, but when I opened them and looked up, there was not even an inch separating his face from mine.

  My eyes fluttered closed.

  His lips brushed against mine for a second, the sensation over so quickly, I contemplated whether I had really felt it at all. It didn’t feel the way a typical kiss felt. It was light and airy, like whispered words breathed across my lips.

  I swallowed hard and willed myself to breathe calmly and deeply. When I opened my eyes, he was gone. I touched my lips with my fingers, again wondering if I had imagined the kiss, if I had secretly wanted it so badly I made it real in my mind. I opened my mouth to call out to Archer, to ask him if I had imagined it, but the words got stuck in my throat.

  As long as I didn’t acknowledge what might have happened, I could continue to deny it. The denial came so easily it scared me, but I didn’t know what scared me more: that I was able to so easily convince myself it had never happened, or that I found myself wishing it really had.

  Twenty-Three

  A week had passed since the maybe-kissing incident, but neither Archer nor I had brought it up. I continued to act as though it never happened while I dreamt about it almost every night. I instead chose to focus on work as a diversion.

  I had just begun a new session of my art program with a new group of students. I had also decided to add a second class to my schedule to continue working with the kids who had taken my first session. It was incredible and surreal that my waiting list far surpassed the amount of time I would be here.

  This felt like my baby, something dear to me I had created and nurtured. Something that continued to grow and surpass all my expectations and fulfilled me in a way nothing else ever had. I started making notes about how to build the program, including rotating teachers in different disciplines, adding more classes, and potentially adding more fundraisers to help support the growth. I knew I had something great on my hands.

  I also knew that my time here had an end date. I didn’t want to walk away from the program I’d created but knew I couldn’t stay forever. I realized that with my resources and connections back home, I could create a similar program in Santa Barbara.

  Anytime I started to consider making new plans in Santa Barbara, my thoughts also went to all I had left behind. I’d been avoiding contact with my friends back home, including Josie, and I was starting to feel guilty and shitty over it. I knew the girls had been planning to visit soon, which meant I needed to stop being a crap friend if we were going to solidify those plans. Instead of calling Jos right then, I decided to call her the next day.

  My mind was so scrambled with all the things going on between my art stuff, spending time with Archer, and the fact that Dan and I hadn’t even talked on the phone in the last week and a half. The last text he had responded to was almost a week ago. Our anniversary was the following week, and though it wasn’t something we typically got a chance to celebrate, I found the desire to do so this year growing with each day that passed without any contact from him.

  I pulled my phone out and tapped his name before I could overthink it and second-guess myself. It rang a few times before going to voicemail. I hung up, and pulled my knee up to my chest and rested my arm on it before laying my cheek against my arm. I stared off into space, trying hard not to get upset. A few minutes later I was startled by the buzzing of my phone in my hand, and even more shocked to see Dan had called me back so quickly.

  “Hey, babe!” I answered in a slightly high-pitched voice. I cringed. He would be able to hear something was off.

  “Hey, you called? Is everything okay?” he responded in a gruff, tired voice that held an edge of annoyance.

  “Yeah. Yeah, everything is fine. I just realized it’s been almost two weeks since we last talked, so I just wanted to see how you were doing, see how things were going.”

  “Has it really been so long?”

  “It has, but I know you’ve been busy. I’ve been swamped too.”

  “I’m sorry,” he replied before falling silent.

  He sounded so different, exhausted and maybe frustrated, but there was something else in his voice that sounded so different from the Dan I had spoken with last. It sent up a red flag and kicked my anxiety up a notch.

  “Shit, Ros, I was just looking at my phone and realized it’s been a week since I’ve even texted you. I’m so sorry, baby. We’re working all day and night. Sometimes it’s over twenty-four hours before we notice a whole day has passed. Are you sure you are okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine, I prom
ise. I wanted to ask you something, but now it seems so silly.”

  “You know there is little you ask that isn’t worth it. What is it?”

  “So our anniversary is next week, and I know we don’t usually do much of anything to celebrate, but I was kind of hoping maybe we can do something together. Do you think it would be possible?” I asked, hearing the uncertainty in my voice, but also noticing the absence of hope.

  The silence seemed to drag on. Then Dan groaned. In an instant, my heart fell. I knew his answer wasn’t going to be the one I wanted to hear.

  “Ros, I wish I could, you know I’d rather be with you than here working, but we are so far behind, and there is just too much to do. I don’t even know when I’m going to be able to come back and visit.”

  The silence now sat heavy and tense between us. I was sure Dan could feel my disappointment, even through the phone and the distance. Tears gathered in my eyes, my throat ached with the effort of trying to hold them back, willing them not to fall. I didn’t want to cry; I didn’t want him to feel shitty or upset for letting me down.

  Dan remained silent on the other end of the phone, and he knew me well enough to guess I was fighting tears. Before I fully exhaled my next breath, a light breeze wafted by me despite all the windows and doors in the place being closed, closely followed by the masculine, musky scent of sandalwood and ocean.

  I turned my head and saw Archer standing across the room from me. He gestured with his hands, a silent way of asking if I wanted him to leave and have privacy for the rest of the conversation. I shook my head slightly, without a second thought. I somehow knew he’d come to comfort me, something I didn’t realize I needed at this moment.

  “Dan—”

  “Ros—” We both spoke at the same time. Before either of us could try to continue, I heard a feminine voice in the background, but not close enough to hear what the woman was saying.

  “Ros, hold on a sec,” Dan said, not giving me a chance to reply.

  I heard the muffled sound of Dan pulling the phone away from his ear and covering it so the conversation couldn’t be overheard. I turned and looked at Archer and could tell by the look in his eye he suspected something was up.

  There was more muffled movement through the phone before a woman said, “C’mon, Dan, you promised. The movie is set up and ready to go and the popcorn is popped. We’ve been working for eighteen hours straight, let’s unwind a little before we go back at it, okay?”

  Just as before, her voice was husky and one hundred percent sexy. I recognized the voice from previous phone calls and knew this was Kelly, the lone woman on his team. I looked over at Archer and caught him staring at me with a look of worry and something that looked a lot like anger on his face. I knew then he was hearing everything being said, and I turned away from him quickly, again willing the tears not to fall.

  A rush of air moved past me, Archer’s scent lingering after. I turned to find him sitting right next to me. A tear escaped down my cheek, and before I could wipe it away, I felt his hand grasp mine, lacing our fingers together before he gently squeezed once, shocking me for a moment with the contact.

  “Ros, you still there?” Dan asked, resuming our conversation.

  “Yeah,” I was finally able to force out through my aching throat.

  “Look, I’ve gotta go. I’m sorry I can’t make things work for our anniversary. I’ll see what I can do on my end to try to get over there sooner than later though, okay?”

  I nodded my head, forgetting Dan couldn’t see me, and murmured a few words as the call came to a close.

  I hung up and looked down at the phone in my hands, not knowing what to say, not even knowing how I felt other than emotionally wrung out and confused. I leaned my head down on what should have been Archer’s shoulder and gasped when I made contact with something solid. I turned my head and found I was indeed resting on his shoulder.

  I looked into Archer’s eyes. He brushed back the hair that had fallen in my face and placed an airy kiss to my temple, resting his chin on my head and wrapping his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him. I snuggled into him, getting comfortable, not even beginning to understand how being physically comforted by him was even possible.

  “Rosalind, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but everything will work out. I promise. There is a good explanation for what’s going on, I’m sure,” he said before I even had a chance to say what was on my mind.

  It was crazy to me that he knew me so well already, he was able to anticipate what my reaction to the phone call would be. I sighed deeply and curled even further into his body. It somehow felt warmer than any embrace I had felt before. I knew it would only last a few more minutes, but those moments of comfort were exactly what I needed and more than I could have hoped for.

  I realized in those moments in his embrace that Archer had become more important to me than I could have ever imagined. How, in such a short amount of time, had a ghost become my best friend? I didn’t have an answer, but I knew things for me could never go back to the way they were before.

  * * *

  The next day I sucked it up and called Josie. I’d been avoiding her for too long and knew I needed her too. I sat on my balcony with a cup of coffee, tapping my fingers on the side table nervously.

  “Hello,” she answered.

  “Hey, Jos.”

  “Who is this? The voice sounds familiar, but I’m just not sure who this is,” she said. I was caught between wanting to laugh at her snark and feeling guilty.

  “I know, I know. I’m an absolute shit friend, I deserve to rot in hell, and I’m sorry. Are you happy now?”

  “Well, as far as apologies and groveling go, I’d give it about six or so, but it’ll do for now. I’m glad to see you’re alive. What’s going on? Why the disappearing act, bitch? I was about to call a search team!” God, I’d seriously missed her overly dramatic ways. How had I seemed to forget she could cheer me up like this?

  “Ughhh, I’m sorry, Jos. The program is taking up most of my time.”

  “How are things going with it?”

  “Amazing. So much better than I expected. I’m going to be seriously sad when I have to leave. I’m already making plans to keep it going once I go, plus I’m starting to research creating a similar program back home.”

  “So what is it you aren’t telling me? You know we don’t keep secrets. Spill.”

  And this was why I had avoided calling her. Even over the phone without her seeing my face, she could sense I was withholding information from her, that I was keeping secrets. It was easier to be open and get it all out there than to attempt to keep things from her.

  The problem was, I wasn’t ready to talk about Archer with her. I wasn’t sure I ever would be. She likely wouldn’t believe me and would think I was crazy, as anyone would.

  My friendship with Archer was something special I wanted to keep to myself. I didn’t want to share my thoughts or feelings or the experiences I had with him with anyone else, and I really didn’t want to even begin to analyze my reasons.

  “Things with Dan are just… rough right now. Jos, I have no clue what is going on with us.” Sharing my issues with Dan, while uncomfortable, was the best way to avoid talking about Archer.

  “Okay, tell me what the problem is. Do we need wine and FaceTime for this conversation?”

  “I don’t know, maybe. But it’s only like ten a.m., and while I usually would start making mimosas, I have to be at Marie’s in a couple of hours before heading to the studio.”

  “Then just FaceTime,” she said as my phone sounded, alerting me that she was trying to connect. I accepted and set my phone up on the outdoor coffee table and snuggled back on the couch, making sure I was in front of the lens.

  “So what the fuck is going on that has you so upset?”

  “I don’t know.” I groaned, knowing that wasn’t really true. “Dan and I barely talk. Last night was the first conversation we’ve had in almost two weeks and he hadn’t texte
d in a week. It didn’t go well at all, Jos.”

  I stopped talking and just cried, swiping furiously at my cheeks. This next part was going to be harder to say than I initially thought. The last thing I wanted to do was put any ideas in her head about Dan possibly being untrustworthy, but I also needed to bounce this off my oldest friend.

  “I asked him if he could come visit for our anniversary. We need some time together, even if it’s only a few hours. Of course, it’s not going to happen right now, though he did say he was going to try to carve out some time to visit soon. What really killed me was at the end of the call I overheard Kelly ask him if he was ready to watch a movie.”

  I stopped there, not knowing what else to say. I couldn’t give voice to my worries or suspicions, I just couldn’t. I knew Josie would connect the dots and get where I was going with this.

  “Who the fuck is Kelly?”

  “The only woman on his four-person team.”

  “Have you met this woman?”

  “No. I don’t even know what she looks like. I can’t bring myself to ask Dan what she looks like or if she’s attractive. I don’t want him to think I don’t trust him or I suspect something.”

  “But you do. Suspect something, right?”

  “Jos, I don’t know. I want to trust him, I do. On the one hand, it sounded pretty casual and for all I know, the other guys were there too. On the other hand, he’s working extremely long hours, day in and day out, surrounded by only three other people, one of them this woman. I don’t like what I heard, but I also don’t want to jump to conclusions.”

  Josie didn’t say anything at first. She was deep in thought, so I just waited her out.

  “Ros, I don’t think Dan is cheating on you. He’s honest to a fault, and I can’t imagine him carrying on with someone else and not confessing to you immediately. With that said, it doesn’t mean I think everything is okay with you guys. There are obviously some issues and you guys are barely communicating at all, even through text. That’s not okay. You know this. You don’t need me to tell you.”