The Rock Bible

by Henry Owings

  88 Whine, moan, and direct all blame outward when you don’t succeed. Even when “they” don’t get it, in your own mind you’re awesome.

  89 Any member of a metal band who states that their music defies category is still in a metal band.

  90 Don’t confuse the public.

  91 It’s okay to have a gimmick as long as it’s not about how much you love Satan or Jesus.

  92 Try to enjoy playing your own original music instead of routinely reacting to trends.

  93 The more your band exemplifies contemporary trends, the more likely you’ll be forgotten in five years.

  94 If your band has a meeting and you all decided whether or not to “get a chick singer,” get out now.

  95 If your band has regular band meetings, all members should be forced to attend wearing a suit and tie.

  96 Use as few words as possible to describe your band.

  97 The more hyphens used to describe the genre of music you play, the more schizophrenic and retarded your band is.

  98 If you use hyphens to describe the kind of music you play, you are a grammar predicament, not a band.

  99 Never be afraid to call it quits. More often than not—the sooner, the better.

  100 When asked to cite musical influences, do not cite actual influences; cite your influences’ influences.

  101 Never get too clever with the influences on “band member wanted” ads. You don’t want someone with exactly the same geeky (and untrue) music tastes as you. You hate yourself, that’s why you’re forming a band, dummy.

  102 Never compare your music to classical music. Trained musicians who can actually read music think you’re a talentless hack.

  103 Never list your influences as other bands you eventually want to tour with.

  104 Using the word “jazz” when describing your musical growth is not a sign of maturity.

  105 Never play themes from vintage video games. This is not clever.

  106 Never describe your music as being “bare bones” or “raw as hell.” It translates as either you don’t have a bass, you have a girl in the band, or you can’t play very well.

  107 Never have influences within a decade of the year your band started. If you do, it’s to be understood that not enough attention was paid to you when you were a teenager.

  108 Never play in a cover band to support your “original” band that sounds like your cover band.

  109 Never play in a rock band and tell journalists your main interest is jazz.

  110 Cover songs must be at least fifteen years old.

  111 Never be white and claim to be playing jazz or blues. You will never do either.

  112 If you’re going to insist on how much you are influenced by an important record, you must be able to name three songs on that record.

  113 Your influences’ obscurity is directly proportional to how few people enjoy your band.

  114 Never describe your sound as something involving people having nothing to do with music.

  115 The awesomeness of a band is inversely proportional to the amount of effects and pedals used to achieve the noises they make.

  116 Ironic cover versions are for karaoke singers, and even that’s all about ironic hipster smugness.

  117 If the bands in your bandmates’ record collections are younger than your band, your band is destined to be forgotten sooner than you think.

  118 Don’t start a new guitar and drum combo unless you’re willing to add a bass player.

  119 Don’t pretend you are better than the Beatles.

  120 Don’t add something to your band’s sound just because everyone else is doing it.

  121 Don’t let your friends join your band because they think it would be fun if you taught them the guitar.

  122 Whatever you call what you’re playing, it’s neither jazz nor core.

  123 Calling a genre anti-something (e.g., anti-folk) really means it is merely a mediocre version of the genre of which it’s supposed to be the antithesis.

  124 No matter how crazy, wild, or interesting your band is, there is always a band in Japan doing the same thing that makes you guys look like you’re standing still.

  125 When you do a cover song, don’t change it up to show how clever you are.

  126 The only place the word “fusion” belongs in music is on that neglected, battery-powered razor in your shaving kit.

  127 If your music is ever described as “old school,” it is more a reflection of one of your band member’s ages than it is a detonation of any true etymology of music.

  128 Never claim that you “rock out.”

  129 Playing the spoons as a legitimate instrument in rock is never allowed, especially if the song’s lyrics actually mention playing the spoons.

  130 You can’t play an instrument that is more than ten years older than you.

  131 A Macintosh is not a musical instrument. It’s a computer or, quite possibly, an apple.

  132 Turntables are not, nor have they ever been, a musical instrument.

  133 Don’t ever touch another man’s pedal board.

  134 Saxophones and rock never mix well. That’s why they call that particular genre “fusion,” which is one of the worst permutations of rock ever created.

  135 Never be in one of those “collective” bands that have a dedicated xylophone player.

  136 Although a leather jacket might make you look cool, leather pants and a leather vest (not to mention a leather hat) guarantee that you’d look better at a gay bar than a rock club.

  137 No snakeskin anything, ever, unless you were once bitten by a rattlesnake.

  138 Never spend more time on your hair than you would eating a modest-sized meal.

  139 The amount of animal prints worn by a girl in the band is directly proportional to how insane she is.

  140 Women should dress like color-blind prostitutes. Men should look like hot women.

  141 Don’t wear sandals. Look at the floor of an average club to understand why.

  142 Unless you’re Native American, Mohawks are never a good idea.

  143 Never wear matching outfits, unless it’s socks worn somewhere besides your feet.

  144 If you’re a man, wearing makeup increases proportionately to your inability to play a musical instrument.

  145 Unless you’re a janitor, no key rings with more than twenty keys.

  146 No adult onesies. You should’ve learned this lesson from high-school wrestling uniforms.

  147 Unless you’re confused or retarded, you can’t wear a scarf or tie with a T-shirt.

  148 Never wear makeup and a beard at the same time.

  149 The basic T-shirt and jeans look can work for anybody. Venture beyond that at your own risk.

  150 If you can afford pants that fit, buy them.

  151 Don’t be unacceptably indecisive with the issue of going bald. If you have the hairy horseshoe, shave that mess off.

  152 Please keep your beards coiffed and trimmed. You are performing for people, and it is important to let them know at least visibly that you care to give them your very best. The first place this thoughtfulness is shown is in your appearance.

  153 If your facial hair ends in sculpted points, you most certainly care more about how you look than how you sound. And in case it wasn’t apparent, you look like a slack-jawed idiot.

  154 If your hair gets more attention than your music, you should wear a hairnet.

  155 If you have a tattoo that reads “mayhem,” “chaos,” etc., across your torso, any girl could kick your skinny ass.

  156 A Stax Records T-shirt can be worn only if you can name five artists that didn’t have huge hits.

  157 No more Revolutionary War stage get-ups unless you plan to reenact a major battle during your set.

  158 No calculator watches.

  159 No dreadlocks unless you’re black.

  160 No Beatle boots unless you were actually in the Beatles.

  161 If you braid your chin beard, get back to begging for change.
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  162 Bald heads and makeup don’t work well together, but beards and dresses do.

  163 No dudes with multiple ear piercings unless you’re in a pirate-themed band. However, please, no pirate-themed bands. Pirate culture was never amusing.

  164 If there are flames on your jacket, shirt, guitar, drums, amp, or merchandise, you are most certainly in a lousy rockabilly band. However, if the flames are real, and on your head, you must be in a band with a dire need of a gimmick, like claiming to be from outer space.

  165 Don’t try to look “tough” in your press photos. If you are tough, you’ll look tough anyway, and if you’re not, you’ll look ridiculous.

  166 Never wear a T-shirt of your favorite band to your photo shoot.

  167 Never have a band promotional photo taken for which the concept is “urban decay.”

  168 Never take your publicity shot next to railroad tracks, in an abandoned building, or in a playground. These shots should be taken only in front of burning houses.

  169 For promo photos, always look unaffected, staring down and to the right of the camera lens. Crossing arms and leaning against something are also fine, but not at the same time.

  170 If you decide that there’s no point in living, don’t commit suicide unless you’re going to saw your head off with a chainsaw.

  171 A “pill habit” is too confusing for most people. Try heroin.

  172 Keep smoking. It helps the economy.

  173 Recognize the guys who pioneered the music you listen to. Also recognize the drugs they used. Lastly, recognize the once-important style that you’re pilfering.

  174 If you write a song about how drugs are bad, you should do more drugs.

  175 Only good musicians kill themselves, and if sycophantic rock critics are to be believed, apparently their music gets a lot better after they do.

  176 If you want to die while in a famous rock band, there are four options. 1. Suicide. 2. Car or plane crash. 3. Drug overdose. 4. Murdered by a crazy relative. Just pick one and stick with it, and please remember: Deadly diseases are for wimps.

  177 Tinnitus is not real. If your ears are ringing, play louder.

  178 Dying at twenty-seven is not a rule. It’s more like a friendly suggestion.

  179 Heroin is acceptable for guitar players and singers, but not for bass players or drummers. They can only be alcoholics or pill-poppers.

  180 When you quit drinking and drugs, quit music. It will never be the same.

  181 Choose to become drug addicted after you make it big, and not before.

  182 Before you speak of “rock” as being an attitude, a lifestyle, a force of nature, or anything other than a type of music, you must have earned a living making rock music for at least ten years.

  183 No death by overdose unless you want to be remembered as a pansy.

  184 Never pretend you have a chance of making it after having kids if you haven’t already made it first. Rocking is one thing that you sacrificed when you decided to have kids. You can’t have that life anymore.

  185 If you’re going to die while choking on vomit, at least make sure it’s someone else’s.

  186 Try to avoid inviting ex-girlfriends and potential girlfriends to your shows; you’ll inevitably spend more time splitting time than “making up for lost time.” By the time your set is done, you’ll realize that they are with some other guy.

  187 Never date a supermodel/ actress with a bigger drug problem than yours. It just takes away from your bad press. Plus, she will steal your stash and eventually end up sleeping with the rest of the band.

  188 Your coalescing of porn with your rock band is not edgy, cool, or pushing the envelope. You’re simply sullying perfectly good pornography with your lousy music.

  189 Unfortunately, most women are fickle enough to fall for any ass-wipe that picks up a guitar at a party.

  190 By the same token, most women also make a romantic career of dating guitar players in active bands. By this, they are displaying their enjoyment in being abused and self-loathed.

  191 Everyone knows that women in bands are completely insane, so take it down a notch.

  192 Gay or lesbian bands that advertise their sexuality don’t rock. Instead, they’re a pathetic political movement.

  193 Only girls should wear eye makeup.

  194 No matter what, every girl you sleep with will have a worse record collection than you.

  195 Being in a band won’t necessarily get you a date with the female clerk at your local record store.

  196 Never sleep with the girl who runs your fan club and can easily destroy your fan-club database.

  197 If you form a band with your girlfriend, she’ll eventually sleep with everyone in the band except you.

  198 The best time to start a band is right after you’ve been dumped. Creativity and anger often go hand in hand.

  199 Don’t be a pig and sleep with your bandmates unless you are in a genuine relationship with one of them. The divide-and-conquer method will only get you fired or break up the band.

  200 Limit your vulgar references to genitalia or having sex so that you don’t sound like a complete pig. We know you’re a pig, but you don’t have to make it so obvious.

  201 Women in bands will date only guys who are in bands.

  202 No Christian bands who use that ambiguous style of backdoor Christianity through vague lyrics and could-be-secular posturing.

  203 “Christian punk” is an oxymoron. If you describe you band with this term, you are just a moron.

  204 If you are a “Christian” band, you are at least 70–85 percent something other than a “rock” band.

  205 If you think God created the world in seven days, you’ve either spent too much time playing rock music and not enough time in Sunday school, or you’ve spent too much time in Sunday school and not enough time playing rock music.

  206 Save the God nonsense for church. Rock ’n’ roll is the Devil’s music.

  207 Never charge people for your band’s stickers. If you do, you are also the sort of person who would ask for a quarter when a friend asks for a smoke.

  208 “Investing” money is for bankers, not musicians. If you’re in need of reminding yourself what rock is all about, knock over a bank, start a chain fight with a teamster, and eat an entire steak soaked in whiskey and cigarette butts. After you’ve done all that, understand that those acts are a lot cooler than the awful music you make.

  209 Your publicist doesn’t care about you. The headliner doesn’t care about you. The alt-weekly writer doesn’t care about you.

  210 If you spend more time dealing with record companies than playing in your band, perhaps you should work at a record company instead of playing in a band.

  211 If you spend more time manging your band instead of playing in it, perhaps you should be a manager.

  212 Never work with an entertainment lawyer who “smoothly” slips you a business card at the same time he is shaking your hand. Actually, never work with lawyers unless it’s an absolute must. They are the exact combination of a shark and a turd.

  213 If a publicist or record company executive tells you to do something for the exposure, remember that people often die from exposure.

  214 Contracts are almost always used against you. Don’t sign anything you don’t have to.

  215 Getting a “buzz” in any city that is not New York or London usually means the end of the band’s career is near.

  216 No matter how many revolutionary changes are made in the media, the most powerful marketing tool will always be word of mouth.

  217 Most labels are looking for originality, marketability, and quality. Not quantity. In other words, they already have that sound. Try again.

  218 If you have a famous mother or father and you get a record deal, it’s not because you’re talented.

  219 A famous rock musician who paints or “does art” can only donate his “work” to charity and cannot profit from the sale of his own ego-doodlings.

  220 Don’
t have a “manager” (aka your friend/brother/other relative) before you book your first show. He or she is just there to mooch free drinks.

  221 If you frequently mention that your manager has great plans for you, your band will be broken up within three years.

  222 Learn the rules about money before you complain about being broke.

  223 Don’t sign anything you don’t understand.

  224 Anyone who says he’s not in it for the money is in it exclusively for the money.

  225 A “sellout” is someone making more money than you.

  226 If you are a working musician and not a weekend hobbyist, never complain about how much your monthly take-home paycheck is. No matter how low it is, it’s certainly more than you deserve.

  227 If someone who doesn’t play an instrument is listed as a member of the band (e.g., dancers, stylists, image consultants, and DJs), he/she should be paid as a full member of the band.

  228 If you hand out business cards that emphasize your musical ability, you should focus more on the business-card industry than music.

  229 If your band puts out press releases, it’s not a band. It’s a product.

  230 Letting your girl/boyfriend be your biggest fan/promoter shows that nobody outside your bed really likes your work.

  231 Never write about your own band in any capacity. Just play your music. Self-manifested publicity is for fools.

  232 If your band finds itself recording a jingle for a local television station or business, cancel all your upcoming shows and break up in corporate disgrace.

  233 The worst way to reinvent your band is to get the newest, freshest producer on the block to work with you.

  234 If you think it would be acceptable to license your music to use in a potato chip commercial but not a car ad, then you’re both a moron and a corporate shill.

  1 Never wear your own band’s T-shirt. It’s never acceptable. Ever. Onstage. Offstage. In your house, smoking grass alone, on laundry day, to the store to buy bread, to the hospital to visit a dying loved one, or even after a tragic fire in which everything was lost except for the band’s merchandise in the 4-by-8-foot trailer with barely connected sheet-metal sides. Only heavy metal musicians who released albums between 1975 and 1989 are exempt.