The Rock Bible

by Henry Owings

  412 Your tour should never require as much hairspray and/or makeup (in total weight) as musical instruments.

  413 You’re not allowed to have stage-only clothes.

  414 Bands that dress up onstage in pop-culture-friendly costumes should be required to run children’s daycare centers.

  415 If you can’t make the ground you land on after your well-practiced precision jump splatter water in slow motion, then please do not include this effect in your band’s video.

  416 The space between songs is intended for grabbing a quick drink, talking to the crowd, or silently tuning up. It’s not intended for you to sit there and practice that great lick you just thought of or to “telegraph” the sweet lead part of the next song you are about to play. All that does is tell the crowd what song is coming up next, and that’s entirely unprofessional.

  417 Air keyboard is never acceptable on stage, even as a joke. In fact, no “air” anything. Ever.

  418 Dramatically drinking a beer from the stage is neither witty nor intense. Keep in mind that every audience member also has a beer that they’re most likely drinking.

  419 Never be known as a band that has band drama unfold on stage.

  420 Hand signs are only for the mute.

  421 A band should never smash its equipment at the closing of every show on any given tour, regardless of attendance.

  422 Unless you’re in a band with all girls, you should never average more than one piece of clothing to be taken off per song.

  423 No electric fans on stage. They may cool you off, but they make you look like a fruitcake.

  424 Head-banging is for metal bands and no one else.

  425 Don’t throw feces at your fans. They’ll love it, but you’ll go to jail.

  426 Only the truly gullible are fooled when you smash your instruments at the end of your set after you’ve stood on stage staring at the floor the entire time.

  427 Being wasted onstage works for only about 5 percent of bands, and yours isn’t one of them.

  428 You are never allowed to eat solid foods onstage unless you’re morbidly obese.

  429 Never count off songs doing “one-two-three-four” in other languages, other number orders, or other witty substitutions.

  430 Bringing crowd members on stage should be followed only with you leaving the stage for the night.

  431 Pointing at other band members while they solo or posture is strictly forbidden.

  432 Never tune audibly onstage. If you don’t have the common courtesy to buy a tuning pedal, then we would just as soon not pay five bucks to hear you noodle on the pentatonic scale.

  433 It is permissible for someone in the audience to shoot guitarists onstage asking one another things like “Lemme hear your A string, man.”

  434 All authentic stage props must be inflatable.

  435 No taking photos of the crowd from on stage. It’s cheesy and is a cheap excuse to remember your post-show conquests from stage perspective.

  436 No switching instruments just to show you can. One lineup will always be stronger.

  437 No doubling up on a mic. It looks like you’re sharing an ice cream cone and is completely amateurish and unflattering. Spring for the extra microphone, you cheap so-and-so.

  438 Don’t throw hissy fits on stage. Nothing is ever as important as you think it is.

  439 If you actually have some hit songs, never open your concert drunk off your ass doing covers of Elvis and Lynyrd Skynyrd and not doing the songs people know.

  440 If you don’t want to play any songs from your first three records, then start a new band and call it something else. You don’t get to sell tickets on the old hits and not play them.

  441 Never make a set list that has an “encore” written on it.

  442 Never begin an encore with a new song. It’s like punting on third down.

  443 If you make a little mistake, never stop and restart your song. Keep going. The crowd doesn’t care.

  444 Never make excuses for screwing up onstage.

  445 Never apologize for a poor performance during your set unless you’re willing to refund people’s money from the stage.

  446 During a set, you can’t say “We got one more for ya,” because everyone knows that means “We got four more for ya.”

  447 Never converse with fellow band members on the microphones between songs.

  448 Never ironically tip your hat to hip-hop on stage because it will show that you are doing one of three things: apologizing for being white, secretly wanting to be black, or feeling that you need to divert your complete lack of soul. People always see through this ruse.

  449 Rock ’n’ roll and dedicating a song to any friend or family member are mutually exclusive.

  450 Don’t mention more than once that you have “merch” for sale. Better still, don’t mention it at all.

  451 All of Cincinnati isn’t here, so please don’t say hello to them. Also, this is one of the worst jokes ever.

  452 Saying “Don’t forget to tip the bartenders” always gets you more free beer than was originally agreed upon.

  453 It’s never appropriate to say “This is a little song we call tuning.”

  454 If you spend significant time onstage having a Q&A session, you’re not a band; you’re a comedy act.

  455 Asking the audience to participate in your song will show that the majority of them have no musical ability whatsoever.

  456 Don’t beg for audience members to buy you drinks while you’re on stage unless it’s your birthday.

  457 Scolding your audience for talking during your performance will only help alienate your fans and encourage fewer people to come to your next show.

  458 Never ridicule the staff of any performance venue unless said staff has threatened intentional spreading of herpes.

  459 Don’t lip-sync along with your own samples between songs. We all know that you’re just a robot incapable of original thought.

  460 Never do anything to encourage the crowd to pull out lighters unless you’re playing a ballad for more than six thousand people, or you just instructed the audience to set a heckler on fire.

  461 Remember that whenever you name-check a band, there are dozens of people in the room who think that band isn’t that great.

  462 Never ask for drugs between songs unless you plan on doing them while everybody watches.

  463 If the crowd looks bored, then they probably are. Change up your pitch.

  464 Never attempt to retell jokes from the movie This Is Spinal Tap while on stage.

  465 Refrain from asking the audience how everything sounds after the first song.

  466 If you are a band full of guys and your singer introduces a song as being about rape, it better be about someone in your band and his experience in a maximum-security prison.

  467 The less popular your band is, the number of times you are allowed to say a city’s name drops exponentially.

  468 If you ever ask the crowd what song they want to hear next, be fully prepared to hear “Your last!” shouted back at you.

  469 Never invite people in the crowd onstage to dance while your band plays.

  470 A band should never reference its various members’ nonmusical credentials while onstage.

  471 If your live show sounds just like the record, then you have just wasted the audience’s money and time. You’re not that good-looking.

  472 Never ask somebody standing on the side of the stage who’s been drinking your rider for the entire show how you looked or sounded. If you do, you’d probably have as much common sense to call your therapist when your kitchen sink is clogged.

  473 Before asking the sound man for more of something in your monitor, take the time to check whether there are actually any monitors present.

  474 Nine out of ten clubs have horrible sound systems, so it’s more than likely nobody is making heads or tails of your lyrics anyway. Just make sure you’re in rhythm and the guitarist’s monitor is turned down so your screams don’t pierce
his already shredded eardrums.

  475 If you have to ask the sound man for more vocals in the monitors more than once, accept that you’re not going to get it. Stop asking. Stop making the “turn it up” gesture. Just suck it up and play.

  476 After the first song, always ask for more of something in the monitors. Doing so ensures that the sound man is actually working and not drinking at the bar.

  477 When you’re in the midst of a bad show, don’t start complaining about the monitor mix. An eight-year-old can see through that trick.

  478 If the sound guy is being assertive about having you play only one more song, proceed to play an improvised opus that lasts an hour. If the power is cut off, it’s time for a drum solo.

  479 Never allow the sound guy to control samples or any sounds from the booth.

  480 During the set, make yourself appear to be an expert by pointing at the monitor, then at the bass player, then point up. Girls find that both hot and also somewhat perplexing.

  481 If you can’t hear yourself in the monitor, that should be a big hint.

  482 Never let a house sound guy “dial” something in.

  483 Be nice to house sound engineers. They will still be working in the music industry when you have to go back to waiting tables.

  484 If your live show is so weak that you need to show low-rent art-house videos projected behind you, do not perform live.

  485 It doesn’t bode well when a band allows the lead singer to control the rest of the band’s lighting via footswitch.

  486 If you have to be loud to sound good, you’re grossly overcompensating for your lack of talent.

  487 If your band doesn’t like performing live, reconsider doing it. If you enjoy taking people’s money and just going through the motions, you’re not a musician. You’re a prostitute.

  488 The bigger the light show, the worse the band.

  489 Always ask the crowd if they can handle more explosions. In the event that they are unable to, you’ll probably want to scale back on the flare cannons.

  490 If your live show requires a set change, you’re not a musician. You’re doing musical theater.

  491 If your live show requires a costume change and your act isn’t low-budget theater, you’re not a musician. You’re a fashion model.

  492 Drink iced tea from whiskey bottles. It allows the crowd to think that you can play flawlessly while drunk.

  493 No sports drinks or soda on stage, ever. Beer. Water. Whiskey. Only.

  494 No wine can ever be drunk from wineglasses.

  495 Getting really drunk and adding what you consider “great ideas” during your live performance is the pinnacle of self-indulgence and will alienate your fans.

  496 If you’re in a band that’s known for drinking excessively during your performances, your audience is doing you a disservice by not administering an intervention.

  497 For every bottle of water the audience sees you drink onstage, they must also witness you drinking three bottles of beer or they will think you are either in Alcoholics Anonymous, pussies, or Christian rockers in disguise.

  498 Never open with a cover.

  499 If your band covers a song that no one in the audience recognizes, it does not mean you are cool, it means you covered a bad song. Obscure never equals good.

  500 Performing a non-reggae version of a reggae song just reaffirms that you’re a white kid who grew up in the suburbs. Additionally, you should never do a reggae version of anything.

  501 When playing a cover, please refrain from spouting off about how much the covered band means to you. No one needs to know to what extent you are a hapless little fanboy.

  502 If, after getting off stage, you ask a friend what they thought of your show and they say, “You guys were loud!” or “You guys were tight!” they are politely trying to say that you stink.

  503 Loading off is not a performance. Get off stage like there’s another band waiting to go on, because there is.

  504 If you get back to the hotel or place you’re crashing after the show and find you still have unused drink tickets in your pocket, you have failed.

  505 If you’re crashing on some kind soul’s floor, make sure their male cat is kind as well. That is, unless you don’t mind your sleeping bag smelling like cat urine for the rest of the tour.

  506 If you can, always splurge for a slightly better motel. The beds are more comfortable, the staff will allow you to sleep in, there are more channels on the television, and the water pressure is always stronger.

  507 When staying at someone’s house, be courteous in the shower line. Hot water goes quickly, especially if it’s some kid’s rental dump.

  508 When staying at squats in Europe, keep your hooded sweatshirt cinched up tight, try to sleep with your hands in your pockets, and, whatever you do, hide your wallet.

  509 Get the hotel room right by the elevator so you just have to remember a floor, not a number. It’s also acceptable to take a red marker and copy your room number onto the side of the ice machine.

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, secretive, overlicking the envelope, Kosher salty, Palance-faced, dead balloon, a tad sausage-casing-like, like a Thrift Store crutch, the Jesus nail hole (as a compliment), alpha-loaf, dumpster rent, too Jewy, Ryan or Rian or Ryen, chemically induced boner, horseradish, taint zit, reverse cow skrunk, 3-up-3 down, urgently unnecessary, Chinese labored, viscous, adult diaper, gravy spittoon, Rock-free, Curbside appliance.

  510 The word in the term “statutory rape” that judges focus on is not “statutory.”

  511 Since your girlfriend is not in the band, she is not entitled to the same hospitality (i.e., free drinks, all access) as you. However, if she’s hot, make her the cowbell player and she’s in.

  512 Your girlfriend never cares about the band, she only cares about who is at the show. If she cares about the band, she wants to dump you and date the lead singer.

  513 Trying to sleep with a fan’s girlfriend is bad karma.

  514 Panties larger than a size 8 that are tossed onstage should be set on fire.

  515 Concerning your cell-phone plan, be sure all your friends and family have the same provider so you can get one of those free-on-the-same-network plans. Your girl/ boyfriend and parents may drive you crazy, but at least it will be free.

  516 Making long-distance phone calls to home from a pay phone where the only words you partially understand are “phone calls cheap” will rapidly deplete your savings.

  517 Border patrols really will strip-search you. So be nice.

  518 If you get pulled over on tour by the cops, pretend you’re a Christian rock band on its way to play a revival. Chances are the cop is a brain-dead Christian who will let you off the hook to spread the good word. As soon as he’s gone, bust out and blaze.