Bad Bridesmaid

by Siri Agrell

  “But in a polite way, like a courtesy offer,” Courtney said. “Our friends are looking at us, like, ‘Let her take the bill.’” Instead of graciously insisting that she would pick up the tab, the MOB turned to her daughter and commented on how the two young women were trying to show her up. She snatched up the billfold and pulled out her husband’s credit card.

  “Then she opens up the bill and says, ‘Oh my gosh, how many mimosas did you guys drink?’” Courtney said.

  As if that weren’t embarrassing enough for the bridesmaid hosts, the women had another run-in with the meanie MOB in the parking lot, as they were loading her daughter’s gifts into her car. Both of the bridesmaids had driven to the country club in their own vehicles, one an Audi and the other a Cadillac.

  “She walks out and says, Are these your cars?’” Courtney remembered.

  The girls said yes, and waited for her to say, “How nice, and thank you for all of your efforts today.” Instead, the woman gave them a withering stare and climbed into her own car, taking one last parting shot as she turned to leave.

  “Maybe I should have let you pay,” she sneered.

  Dressed Down

  The modern bridal shower requires women to shell out for almost anything their betrothed friend desires, but it is regarded as unseemly (according to popular wedding etiquette) for the bride’s family to make those demands directly. Bridesmaids, then, are really nothing more than a human buffer between the bride and her unreasonably high demands—and heaven forbid they refuse to act accordingly.

  Bailey S. was in a wedding where the bride reacted with unadulterated contempt at the shower that had been thrown in her honor. “She freaked out, because in her head it wasn’t right,’ the four-time bridesmaid remembered.

  The shower was a surprise party, and the bride burst into tears when she showed up, but not because she was overcome with happiness. She did not have on the “perfect pink dress” she had always imagined wearing to her wedding shower, and was horrified that she had been tricked into arriving unprepared. To make matters worse, the shower was held in the home of The Bride’s mother. None of the bridesmaids lived in her hometown, so they were faced with the choice of having the party at her family’s home, renting a hall, or inviting fifty guests back to their hotel room. It just seemed to make sense to have it at the MOB’s house, where the guests would have room to relax and the caterers could do their thing without operating out of a bathroom or broom closet.

  To make life easy on Mom, the attendants had taken care of every detail, from the caterer to the flowers and decorations, and The Bride’s family never had to lift a finger or even open the door to guests. The Bride, however, saw her family’s involvement in her shower as a faux pas of the highest degree.

  “She thought it looked terrible that her mom would be hosting her own bridal shower,” Bailey said. “She said we had humiliated her.”

  The Bride said her mother was not to blame, even though she presumably knew the event was taking place in her own living room. The bridesmaids, though, were chastised for taking liberties with the way the shower was planned, from its inappropriate venue to the fact that they had sprung it on her unawares.

  “Her buzzword was etiquette, etiquette, etiquette,” Bailey said. “It became code for ‘You screwed up.’”

  Shower Burn

  Going to showers really shouldn’t be as painful as being forced into basic training or fat camp. What could be so bad about getting together with the girls on a sunny Saturday and cracking open a bottle of champagne at noon? The problem is that, unlike other forms of organized torture, shower season lasts as long as you have friends who are getting married, which for most of us means at least from the ages of twenty-one to thirty-five.

  It is easy to develop a case of Shower Burn, the gradual fraying of nerves that develops from losing every weekend of your twenties to the black hole of Wedding Season.

  Helpful bridesmaids are meant to spend the shower taking dictation on who bought which gift for the bride, refilling snack trays, and cleaning up discarded wrapping paper. They should carefully thread the ribbon from each gift through a ring of cardboard to construct a fake bouquet—or, alternatively, wrap the decorations around their own necks until they fall into blissful unconsciousness.

  There is no good excuse to skip out on a bridal shower—whether it’s work, distance, or stringent bail conditions, your absence will be regarded as a personal affront to the bride, her family, and the future of her marital union.

  Talia B., a first-time bridesmaid, had already organized one expensive shower for her friend in the months leading up to the wedding. The betrothed was a dance instructor, and when a handful of her adult students approached the bridesmaids about throwing their own event. Talia and her cohorts believed they would be given a much needed respite.

  “We thought, great, go ahead,” she said. The women assumed that they would not have to go to the second shower or be responsible for any aspect of its success. It was to be held at a restaurant, where guests would enjoy drinks, appetizers, and a main course as the bride opened her gifts. The bridesmaids were invited after all, and they relished a day where they would not have to clean up or be in charge. When the bill came, though, the other hosts freaked out. “These ladies decided they didn’t want to pay for it,” Talia said, “so we had to foot the bill at the last moment.”

  Even if you don’t have to throw down your American Express at every event, attending multiple showers can leave bridesmaids spent. Sarah G. was forced to attend three bridal blowouts held for the woman she had met on vacation and who unexpectedly asked her to be a bridesmaid. She came to each party knowing no one but The Bride, and had to explain to each guest who she was and why she was there. “Usually when you go to a shower, there are your old friends or your close friends, so it might not be great fun but you can go and chat and whatever,” she said. “Imagine having to put a huge amount of effort into it, and meet people and introduce yourself.”

  When the other bridesmaids and guests would ask where she came from, Sarah had to patiently explain that she had met The Bride just recently in Mexico. Then she would turn around and whisper under her breath, “And where am I never going again? Mexico.”

  Let’s Make a Raw Deal

  The main responsibility of bridesmaids once the shower is actually in full swing is to give the appearance that the event is not just another cash-grab but a grand occasion for everyone involved. It may be tempting to just let people show up, dump their presents on the table, knock back a couple shots of vodka, and head for the door, but wedding showers are supposed to be micromanaged festivals of fun.

  And there can be no fun without games.

  Of all the attendants’ duties, making up shower activities has the potential to be one of the more entertaining bridesmaid tasks. Imagine a rousing session of Pin the Pre-nup on the Groom, or an engagement obstacle course where women must jump over career hurdles, change into revealing outfits, and drain a martini while saying something charming before dashing to a finish line decorated to look like an altar.

  Alas, the games bridesmaids referee are usually simple tests of knowledge for the bride-to-be to ace. They are also meant to celebrate the magic of marriage or to establish whether the bride is equipped to perform her womanly duties. One etiquette Web site suggests sticking to topics such as “food and travel.” Right, because most women spend their lives creating original recipes and jet-setting around the world.

  At my friend’s shower, we had constructed a sort of Dating Game questionnaire—a pretty standard bridal shower pastime, according to various Web sites and bridal guides. The groom had been e-mailed a series of questions, and I had written his responses on blue cue cards. At the shower, we asked The Bride the same set of questions and scored her ability to match his answers. Mensa-worthy it was not.

  I had not yet been branded All Bad, so the other bridesmaids felt comfortable assigning me the task of e-mailing the groom. After a mind-numbing brainsto
rming session, I sent him a list of seemingly innocuous questions ranging from the enlightening What’s your favorite meal?” to the brain-tickling “Who designed the bride’s dress?”

  Feeling like the questions were a little tame, I added, “How many carats is the ring?” It seemed harmless enough. I had heard the answer on at least four different occasions as The Bride showed off her new bauble (referred to as “my precious”) to me and anyone else who happened to find themselves in its glare. When the groom wrote back, he declined to answer the question and typed, “That’s inappropriate,” instead.

  When I shared this story at the shower I was met with stares of disbelief. It was as if I had admitted asking him his annual salary or penis size.

  “Oh my God!” the other bridesmaids squealed as The Bride rolled her eyes.

  I see now that asking the groom about the ring is tacky, while asking a friend to gift-wrap a G-string and present it in front of the groom’s mother is normal and civilized behavior.

  But at least at my friend’s shower, both the bride and groom knew the answers to my questions. Barbara D. attended a party where The Bride failed the quiz she was given, surely a bad omen for any marriage.

  “We had asked the groom a bunch of questions, and on the day of the shower we asked her the same ones. You know, to imply how well they knew each other,” said Barbara, a five-timer. “She didn’t get a single one of them right. Not one. Every single one was so far off, it was painful.”

  The bridesmaids tried to call the game off, but the bride was oblivious to the awkward situation she was creating at her own shower.

  “It was so embarrassing. His mother was like, ‘Urn, what’s going on?’” said Barbara. “They just got divorced.”

  It can be somewhat funny when brides fail miserably at the games they are given, but pity the bridesmaid who gets a question wrong. Julia D. went to a shower with her fellow wedding attendants and was greeted at the door by $UUber Bridesmaid, a woman who “just makes you want to throw up, she’s so excited.”

  The ecstatic organizer handed Julia and two other women ribbons that they were instructed to tie around their wrists. The guests were supposed to collect as many of the ribbons as possible during the course of the shower, and would receive one every time they pointed out a woman crossing her legs. Let us pause for a moment to reflect on how silly this game really is. Is staring into another woman’s lap really the best way to test a person’s skills of observation? Or would it have been just too easy to collect ribbons every time someone checked their watch to see if it was almost time to leave?

  “It was supposed to be a bonding thing.” $UUber Bridesmaid explained that the woman who won would receive a prize, and Julia imagined a free facial or perhaps a loot bag stuffed with makeup. The prize was a mug.

  That exercise was only the beginning of Julia’s trauma. It seems $UUber Bridesmaid was well versed in the history of wedding shower games, and had planned, so to speak, to kick it old school.

  Until the 1970s, bridal showers were as much indoctrination sessions as they were celebrations. The parties were meant to underscore the importance of getting married, especially for the single gals in attendance. To this end, many games were designed to “give hope” to those who were not yet hooked up, and to encourage them into the marriage fold.

  At the shower Julia attended, the bridesmaids and other guests were placed in a circle and asked to take turns giving The Bride advice on how to have a long and happy marriage.

  Get a group of women together under normal circumstances and ask them how to have a successful relationship, and inevitably someone will make a blow-job joke, someone else will praise the virtues of separate bank accounts, and another woman will suggest the ingestion of prescription narcotics.

  Humor has no place at most bridal showers.

  “Nothing about sex ever came up,” Julia said. “Everyone was like, Be supportive, be honest, talk things out, respect one another.’ All of that trite bullshit.”

  When it came time for Julia and her two friends to participate, all three of them passed. They were not married, they explained, so couldn’t possibly offer any helpful advice. Julia and one of her friends were graciously allowed to skip their turn, but by the time the third conscientious objector had declined to participate, $UUber Bridesmaid was, to put it mildly, $UUber Pissed. In an effort to defend herself, Julia’s friend informed the group that she had just broken up with a boyfriend and wasn’t dating, so she wasn’t in the best frame of mind to offer relationship advice.

  “So this bridesmaid says, ‘Okay, why don’t you give her advice on how not to drive a man away,” Julia remembered. Many of the guests started howling with laughter, but the newly dumped bridesmaid and her friends were stunned.

  To make matters worse, $UUber Bridesmaid thought the game was so successful she would go around the circle a second time. “We were all like, don’t you even look at me,” Julia said.

  Straight Up with a Twist

  Watching a grown woman tear open gifts and play boring games is considerably—although not completely—less painful when you have a drink in your hand. Sadly, however, the combination of women, booze, and bridal talk does not always fly.

  I spent the majority of the night after my friend’s shower lying on my kitchen floor praying for death and calling my boyfriend on my cell phone to come downstairs and pour water on my face. If bridal showers take that kind of toll on me, imagine what they do to the older women in attendance.

  Christie B. attended a bridal shower at the house of a betrothed friend who lived with her parents, sister, and grandmother, known as Nana. “It’s also a family that doesn’t drink very much,” Christie explained.

  The bridesmaid who was in charge of refreshments was not familiar with her hosts’ teetotaling ways, and when the elderly Nana asked for a dash of sherry, she was given a generous drink.

  “The bridesmaid poured Nana a huge wineglass full, and because no one there really drinks, no one realizes you’re not supposed to pour that much sherry,” said Christie. “And Nana’s, like, one foot in the retirement home.”

  An hour later, another bridesmaid noticed that Nana’s glass was empty and poured her another drink.

  “So we’re in the middle of the shower and The Bride’s unwrapping her presents, and Nana just slumps over in her chair,” Christie said. “She’s passed out, totally dead drunk.”

  It was quickly determined that Grandma was not actually dead, and The Bride’s father was called in to carry the unconscious old woman upstairs to bed. The bridesmaids consulted one another and realized that the ninety-year-old woman, who weighed approximately ninety-five pounds, had probably consumed the equivalent of about five stiff drinks.

  “At the end of the shower she comes back down and says, ‘Are you going to open your presents now, dear?’” Christie remembered. “She thought she had just gone down for a little nap.”

  Guest Listless

  If I were a ninety-year-old woman, I might have chugged that sherry just to get out of watching any more gifts being opened. Sometimes even the Best Bridesmaids require a strong cocktail, usually after the shower’s reigning queen tells them they failed to live up to her expectations.

  Chelsea K. had planned to host a couple’s shower at her house in the country. The wedding party had agreed to a date in July and a guest list of about six couples. “The party was going to be a casual day of swimming and BBQ-ing with close friends,” Chelsea remembered. “The Bride said she was thrilled to have a relaxed weekend before the hectic wedding schedule began.”

  Two months before the planned shower, Chelsea asked for a list of the names and e-mail addresses of the people The Bride wanted to invite. “When I didn’t receive the list, I asked again, and again and again,” she said. “Finally, The Bride left me a hard-copy document—nine pages in length—with the name of every wedding guest on it. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘I’ve highlighted the ones to contact for the party.’”

  The hi
ghlighted list included thirty-six couples, ranging from current and former work colleagues to out-of-town relatives. Chelsea freaked out at the prospect of having seventy-two people at her country house, and threatened to cancel the whole thing. The Bride was not about to accept any responsibility for the matter. “She blamed me for pressuring her to produce the list on such ‘short notice,’” the bridesmaid recalled. “She said she had wanted to talk to me about the guest list a month earlier, but that it would have been bad etiquette to give it to me without a formal request.”

  It was the bridesmaid who was being bad, apparently, even though The Bride had invited half of her graduating class to a shower meant for twelve.

  Bridesmaids rarely escape a shower unscathed by such insults or indignation. I left ours hopelessly drunk from sipping champagne cocktails since noon, all the better to forget the fact that I had spent half of my rent in a single day. But while a regular hangover wears off, the residual pain of Shower Burn can be hard to shake. Even my bride-to-be mentioned, in the days after her own party, that she was dreading attending another woman’s shower in the weeks to come.

  “I don’t want to go. I hate wedding showers,” she said, sighing. “Except for mine. Mine was fun.”

  The Bachelorette Complex

  Get a sober driver or bus and you are on your way to either one or multiple bar stops. Have the bride get a little tipsy and take lots of pictures!

  bachelorettepartyideas.net

  Hiring a stripper was never an option for my former friend’s bachelorette party. There had been, you see, a couple of “incidents’ when we were in university, and our group was unanimously scarred by the thought of paying for another glimpse of greased-up male nudity. The first damaging experience occurred at a birthday party that I didn’t attend, where a male snipper had reportedly given a somewhat lackluster performance. We’d gone to school in a small town, which meant occasional public sightings of the decidedly unsexy stripper when we went for coffee or drinks downtown. Once he was spotted, members of his former audience would grip my arm and avert their eyes, trying hard not to picture him naked, as I imagined this sleazy-looking man in tear-away pants actually tearing away his pants.