Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  ‘Like I said, none of your business.’

  When Gus and his client enter reception, Jax moves behind the counter and grabs hold of my hand, forcefully guiding me down the hall, towards his studio.

  ‘Let me go, Jax.’

  ‘No … I’m not having this conversation with an audience.’

  As far as I’m concerned there’s no conversation to be had. He went home with two women last night, so if he thinks he’s going to put a stop to my date, he’s mistaken.

  ‘What conversation?’

  He doesn’t reply until we enter his room. ‘Do you even know this person?’

  ‘Obviously, he called me, didn’t he? Do you really think I’d go out with a guy who got my number off the back of a toilet door? Give me some credit.’

  ‘Don’t be a smartarse,’ he snaps. He’s clearly angry, but so am I. He has no right to carry on like this.

  ‘Well, stop meddling in my life.’

  ‘Is that what you think I’m doing?’

  He runs his fingers through his hair when I say yes.

  ‘There’s a difference between meddling and caring. How well do you know this person?’

  ‘Well enough.’

  ‘How well, Candice?’

  ‘It’s Carter.’

  ‘What? The kid from the other day?’

  ‘Yes. And I wouldn’t exactly call him a kid. I’m going, Jax, and nothing you can say will stop me.’ Actually, there’s a lot he could say to stop me, but I already know he won’t say the words I’m so desperate to hear. He’ll never say them. I need to accept that he just doesn’t want me the way I want him.

  Turning away, he exhales forcefully. ‘Fine. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’ The venom in his voice doesn’t go unnoticed.

  ‘Thanks. That pretty much frees me up to do anything I like then, arsehole.’

  My heart’s beating rapidly as I walk back into reception and grab my bag from under the counter. I don’t officially knock off for another hour, but I’m giving myself an early mark. Fuck him. If Jax doesn’t like it, he can fire me. I can’t be around him right now.

  Hypocritical jerk.

  ••••

  After picking at my dinner, I help Sophia get Maddie ready for bed. My stomach is in knots, but I’m forcing myself to go ahead with tonight. It’s time to get back on the horse. It’s been years and I’m in the prime of my life. It’s just what I need, or so I keep telling myself.

  ‘You look lovely, sweetheart,’ Sophia says when I walk into the kitchen after showering and changing.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Are you going out tonight?’

  ‘Yeah. I’m going out with someone I met at work.’ It’s not a lie, I did meet Carter at work. I know she wouldn’t care if I told her that someone was a male, but I’m not in the mood to go into details with her. She’s being bugging me to start dating again for months now.

  ‘I wish you’d put on a top with longer sleeves.’

  ‘I love my tatts. I’m not covering them up.’ Both arms are complete now, done by Jax of course.

  ‘Fine,’ she says, rolling her eyes. ‘As you’ve pointed out numerous times, it’s your body.’

  ‘That’s right.’ Looking at my watch I see it’s just after seven. I didn’t realise Carter lived so far away until he’d texted me his address, so I have to get going. He’s expecting me at eight. I kiss Sophia goodbye.

  ‘Have fun, baby.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Hey,’ she says as I turn to leave. I glance at her over my shoulder. ‘It’s good to see you getting out again. You’re young, you should enjoy your youth while you still have it.’

  My sentiments exactly. My mum has given up so much to raise me, then Maddie. She still models occasionally, but only takes local jobs so she’s around for us. She doesn’t do it for the money, we have more than enough of that thanks to my father, but she loves what she does. The rest of her time is spent caring for us. She never dates, or goes out with her friends. I can’t help but feel guilty for everything she’s sacrificed for us. The least I can do is start living again.

  ‘I will. I love you,’

  ‘I love you too.’

  After entering Carter’s address into my GPS, I drive the forty minutes to his house. The closer I get, the sicker I feel. What was I thinking? This isn’t even a date, it’s more like a booty call. Talk about jumping in head first, or should I say vagina first.

  When I turn into his street, I pull over to the kerb and take a few deep breaths. Carter asked me to call him when I was close. God only knows why. I hope it’s not so he can sharpen the knives he’s going to use to hack me into little pieces. Jesus, why did I let my mind go there?

  I grab my phone and dial his number.

  ‘Hey,’ he says when he answers.

  ‘Hey. I’ve just pulled into your street. I’ll be there in a few minutes.’

  ‘Okay. Don’t knock on the front door, just come down the side of the house.’

  That instantly makes me wary. ‘Why can’t I knock on the front door?’

  ‘Because I live with my mum and her fuckwit of a husband. My bedroom is towards the back of the house. The one with the light on. I’ll wait for you by the window.’

  Great, he still lives with his parents. I can’t really hold it against him I suppose—I still live with my mum. In a way it’s a plus. If he tries to kill me, I can always scream out for help. I’m pretty sure he’s not that type of person, but you never know. I consider texting Carter’s address to Jax, just in case I don’t turn up at work tomorrow, but I can’t do that.

  When my phone dings, I jump. I’m surprised to see it’s a message from Jax. Did he read my mind? This connection we sometimes have is freaky.

  Jax: I’m not going to tell you to have fun tonight because I just can’t bring myself to say that. But be careful, and if you need me just call. I mean it Candice.

  Tears fill my eyes when I read his message. Considering what happened this afternoon, I’m touched he cared enough about me to text.

  Me: Thank you. Hope you have a good night. Enjoy your day off tomorrow. x

  Butterflies churn in my stomach as I walk down the side of Carter’s house. I’m not even sure if I can go through with this, but I’m going to give it my best shot. I jump and clutch my chest when I hear a loud bark from a dog, coming from next door. I relax a little when I see Carter’s handsome face leaning out a window and smiling down at me. He’s gorgeous. His hair and eyes are brown, just like Jax’s. But sadly there’s one major difference—he’s not Jax.

  Without speaking, Carter hauls me into his bedroom. Once he places me on the floor, I adjust my top.

  ‘Fuck. You didn’t tell me you still lived at home with your parents. How old are you anyway?’

  ‘I’ll be turning eighteen soon.’

  ‘Shit. You’re still a kid.’ That would make him four years younger than me—a baby. Great, I’m a damn cradle snatcher. I should’ve asked him how old he was before coming here. I just presumed he was older. He certainly doesn’t look seventeen. I was around his age the first time Jax and I got together. I’ll die if he’s a virgin. I’ve only been with one man, and that was Jax, so I’m not what you’d consider an expert in the sex department. This could get awkward.

  ‘I’m not a fucking kid,’ he snaps.

  Well, technically, he’s not an adult either. My common sense tells me to turn around and go back to the car, but I came here for a reason; to move on.

  ‘You look older.’

  ‘Are we going to do this or not?’

  Wow. Talk about getting straight to the point. I know that’s why he invited me over, and I wasn’t expecting a candlelit dinner or anything, but he could at least offer me a drink or something.

  I take a deep breath as I try to psych myself up. I need to jump in before I talk myself out of it, it’s the only way. Stepping forward, I wrap my arms around his waist.

  ‘Calm down,’ I say, pressing my body against
his. ‘I didn’t say there was a problem with it. I’m just surprised, that’s all.’ Closing my eyes, I kiss his neck. God, he smells good. Not as good as Jax does, though; his scent is my drug. Trailing kisses across Carter’s strong jawline, my mouth eventually meets his. Carter wraps his arms around my waist, drawing me closer. He can kiss, I’ll give him that, but surprisingly I feel nothing. Not a damn thing.

  Letting go of Jax is going to be harder than I thought.

  Pulling back suddenly, Carter’s troubled eyes look down at me. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this,’ he mutters.

  ‘What? Why? What’s the problem?’

  He gazes out the window, looking at the house next door. Releasing his hold on me, he takes a step backwards before moving across the room to sit on the edge of his bed. He buries his face in his hands.

  ‘It’s not you.’

  Isn’t that what they all say: It’s not you, it’s me? Great. I’m still reeling from the sting of Jax’s rejection, now I have this to contend with. What is wrong with these people? What is wrong with me?

  ‘Then what?’ I ask, sitting beside him. I need to know. I’ve never had the guts to ask Jax why he doesn’t want me. This time, I’m not leaving here until I get answers.

  He remains silent as he stares down at the floor.

  ‘Carter. I need to know.’

  He lets out a deflated breath before he makes eye contact with me. ‘I think I’m in love with the girl next door,’ he says.

  A smile tugs at my lips. I’m relieved his rejection is not because of me, but I also think his confession is kind of sweet. ‘When I was kissing you, I looked over there and she was watching us—I’m sorry. Calling you and asking you to come here was a mistake. I only did it to spite her.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ I say, placing my hand on his leg. It’s kind of ironic—I only came here to spite Jax.

  He scrubs his hands over his face. ‘She really fucks with my head.’

  Jax fucks with my head too. ‘Does she know how you feel?’

  He shrugs. ‘I don’t think so. I’ve been trying to fight it. We have a kind of love–hate relationship. I try to push her away, but she continues to worm her way under my skin. She deserves better than me.’

  ‘That’s pretty harsh. You seem like a nice enough guy.’

  He chuckles at my comment. ‘That’s because you don’t know me … I’m a bastard.’

  It’s obvious that Carter doesn’t have a high opinion of himself, but from the little I know, he’s definitely not a bastard.

  We spend the next hour talking about Indiana, the girl next door. It’s funny, his situation reminds me a lot of my own. I admire him for not going through with tonight. Not many guys would’ve knocked back no-strings-attached sex. Probably not even Jax. That speaks volumes about Carter’s character. Especially considering Indiana isn’t even his girlfriend.

  When I finally leave, I feel a huge sense of relief. Tonight I made a connection with Carter, and not the type I thought I was going to make. Coming here may not have helped me move on from Jax, but at the very least, I feel like I’ve made a new friend.

  JAX

  ROLLING ONTO MY SIDE, I LOOK AT THE CLOCK NEXT TO THE bed. It’s six am on my only day off and I can’t sleep—I’ve been tossing and turning all night. Candice is on my mind and this date with Carter is eating me up inside. I was tempted to drown myself in another bottle of Jack last night, so I wouldn’t have to think about it, but I’m glad I didn’t. I can’t keep pissing away these feelings I have. It never helps. Dealing with them head on is the only way I’m going to get through this.

  Every single fibre in me wanted to stop her from going, but that would’ve been selfish. It’s not like I haven’t been with other people.

  I sit up and bury my head in my hands. Pull your shit together, Albright. She’s not yours … she’ll never be yours. Well, not in the way I crave her. I need to let this infatuation go. Throwing on a pair of sweats, I head straight for the spare room. I need to take my frustrations out on something and my punching bag is a good place to start. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pounded it over the years. One day I didn’t stop until my knuckles bled. It was Christmas day, and my frustrations were aimed directly at my family—or lack of. I sat alone in my house feeling incredibly sorry for myself. There was nowhere to go and nobody to spend the holiday with. Of course I heard nothing from my parents that day, but in all honesty I hadn’t expected to. They would’ve been too busy throwing their showy Christmas dinner, where they invite their equally fake friends and neighbours. As much as I always hated those gatherings, imagining them all sitting around celebrating and not giving me a second thought, hurt like you wouldn’t believe. Those are the days I struggle the most. Why do I mean so little to them?

  Now that I have Candice, Sophia and Maddie, I’m hoping this year will be different. Maybe Candice will invite Carter over for Christmas dinner too. That will fucking suck. I hammer into my punching bag even harder.

  I spend forty-five minutes on the bag before getting stuck into the weights. My knuckles are red raw, and my arms feel like jelly when I leave my makeshift gym and head for the bathroom. There’s nothing like a good workout to clear the head. I’m already feeling somewhat lighter.

  After showering, I dress in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Apart from a few errands, I have no plans for today. Entering the kitchen, I place a coffee pod and some water in the coffee machine and flick the switch. As I reach for a mug from the top cupboard, I hear a knock at the door. The clock on the microwave says it’s eight-forty-five. Who’d be knocking on my door at this time of the morning?

  ‘Candice,’ I say with surprise when I see her standing on the doorstep with a sleepy kid in her arms. She looks frazzled. ‘Is everything okay?’ I hope her early-morning visit doesn’t have anything to do with last night. I’m glad I could help Carter out, but there’s a part of me that wishes I’d just left him sitting in that damn park. If I did, last night never would’ve happened.

  ‘Not exactly,’ she mutters as I move aside so she can enter. ‘Sophia has one of her migraines. You know how she gets … there’s no way she can look after Maddie when she’s like that.’

  ‘Okay. You didn’t have to come all the way here to tell me that, you could’ve just called. I had things to do today, but they can wait. I’ll stand in for you.’

  ‘No, you won’t, it’s your day off. Plus, I have some stock arriving.’

  ‘Someone’s gotta work in your place.’

  ‘Yes, me,’ she says.

  ‘What about Peanut? Who’s going to look after her?’

  ‘You.’

  ‘Me?’ Hell fucking no. Has she lost her damn mind?

  ‘Please.’

  ‘No way. I don’t know the first thing about looking after a kid.’

  ‘She’s no trouble, Jax. You know that. Come on, there’s no one else … she likes you.’

  I roll my eyes when she gives me her pouty face. She knows I can’t resist that damn face.

  ‘It’s my day off,’ I say, grasping at straws.

  ‘Well, fine, then I quit.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You heard. If you can’t look after her for me, then I have no choice but to resign.’

  ‘Fuck,’ I mumble under my breath, when she raises an eyebrow, challenging me. I know how stubborn she can be: she’d quit just to prove a point. I offered to work in her place. Doesn’t she realise how much I need her? She makes my days brighter. She’s my happy place. My trusty sidekick. ‘Why can’t you take her into work with you?’

  ‘I’m going to be flat-out sorting through the deliveries, putting stock away and keeping those other two in line. You know how Gus can get.’

  I’m going to regret this, but she’s backed me into a corner. ‘Fine. Give her to me.’ I adore this kid, but I’m not sure if I’m cut out for babysitting duties. Actually, I’m positive I’m not.

  Candice gives me a beautiful smile as she passes Maddie to me. ‘Everythin
g you need is in the bag. By the way, she did a shit on the way over here, so you’ll need to change her nappy.’

  ‘Sissy said sit,’ Maddie mumbles around her dummy, making me chuckle.

  ‘Like hell I’m changing her nappy.’ I’ve never changed a nappy in my life.

  ‘It appears you don’t have a choice. I don’t have time,’ she says, looking at her watch. ‘She’s nearly toilet trained, so she doesn’t wear nappies during the day, only at night. You’ve only got to change her this once. It’s easy, you’ve got this, big guy.’

  She pats my shoulder for good measure. Easy for her maybe, she’s probably done it a million times.

  ‘You’ll need this,’ she adds, shoving a nappy bag into my arms. ‘I’ve gotta get going. She’s had breakfast. There’s clothes and snacks in the bag … oh and Puppy.’ Of course Snoopy would be in there, the kid doesn’t go anywhere without it. ‘Call me if you have any questions.’

  She kisses Maddie on the cheek. I want a kiss too.

  ‘Be a good girl for Uncle Jax.’

  I smile when she says that. Candice has always made me feel like I’m part of her family.

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ she says, squeezing my arm. ‘And thank you.’

  ‘You’re not welcome.’

  She laughs as she walks down the hall to the front door. When she glances over her shoulder, I quickly divert my eyes away from her incredible arse. That swing in her hips is hypnotic.

  ‘I’ll see you tonight,’ she says with a wink.

  She fucking played me big time.

  Looking down at Maddie, I find her smiling up at me through her dummy. ‘Come on,’ I say, kissing the top of her head. ‘Let Uncle Jax clean you up.’

  There better be some damn instructions in this bag.

  Lying her down on the sofa, she watches me intently as I undo the buttons on her pink onesie. I awkwardly free her arms and legs from her pyjamas, leaving her dressed in just a pink singlet and nappy. Why did I let Candice talk me into this? My stomach turns when I get a whiff of what’s to come. I take a deep breath and hold it in as my fingers pull on the tabs on either side of the nappy.