Jax (A Bastard Novel)

by J. L. Perry

  After getting Maddie settled on the sofa under a blanket, I walk Candice to the door. It’s too hard having her around, so there’s no way I’m inviting her to stay and watch the movie with us.

  ‘Everything you’ll need is in Maddie’s suitcase. She doesn’t wear a nappy to bed anymore, just make sure she goes to the toilet before bed and she’ll be fine.’

  ‘Thanks.’ At least I won’t have to suffer through one of those shitty nappies. I’m still scarred by that incident.

  ‘If you have any problems, just call.’

  ‘I will, but I’m sure we’ll manage. I’ll drop her off Sunday night.’ She looks at the floor. ‘I guess I should get going then. Enjoy your movie.’

  ‘Thanks, we will.’

  ‘You can stay for dinner if you like … you know, on Sunday, when you drop Maddie off.’ She’s stalling. I can tell she doesn’t want to leave, but I can’t have her around me for long periods of time. I just can’t. How awkward we’ve become hurts.

  ‘Sure. Sounds good.’ I went over there for dinner one night last week—I was missing Maddie, and Candice has said I can come over anytime I want to see her. The nights I was busy getting her room together, I talked to her on the phone instead. Only having her on Tuesdays and every second weekend is going to take some adjustment. I want her with me all the time.

  ‘Oh, I almost forgot. Here,’ Candice says as she riffles around in her bag, before pulling out a set of keys. ‘The keys for your shop. I guess I won’t be needing them anymore.’

  She brought up her old job when we had our big talk and I made sure to tell her that I’d already replaced her. You can’t walk away from your job and expect it to still be waiting for you when you return, six months later. I can’t have her working there anymore. The less I have to see her, the easier it will be.

  I hold out my hand and she places them in my palm. ‘Fuck,’ I say, immediately dropping them to the floor and rubbing my hands down the front of my sweats. ‘Seriously, you have a damn cock on your keyring.’

  ‘Oh.’ She laughs, like it’s funny. It’s not. ‘Maybe I should’ve taken that off first.’

  ‘You think?’ I bet she left it on purposely. ‘You need fucking help. Have you ever considered attending Cocks Anonymous?’

  ‘What? I don’t need therapy. I doubt there even is such a group.’

  ‘You sure about that? Because I’m starting to see a disturbing pattern emerging here.’ I see her trying hard to suppress her smile as she bends down to pick up the keys. ‘Can you remove that—that thing?’

  ‘Fine.’ I hear her mumble ‘Pussy’ under her breath as she removes the plastic cock from the keyring.

  I’m no fucking pussy.

  ••••

  I bolt upright when something wakes me.

  ‘Daddy!’ There it is again.

  Shit—Maddie.

  Leaping out of bed, I frantically slip into my sweats. I can’t go to her wearing only my boxer briefs.

  ‘Daddy!’ she calls out again. Christ, she sounds distressed.

  My heart thumps in my chest as I run down the hall to her bedroom. ‘Peanut,’ I say flicking on the light. ‘Are you okay?’

  I see tears in her eyes. ‘I scared.’

  ‘Oh baby,’ I say, sitting down on the side of the mattress. ‘There’s nothing to be scared of.’ I suppose this is all new to her. She’s in a strange house, a strange room. It’s the first time she’s slept over. I’d lie down with her, but there’s no way I’d fit in that tiny pink bed. ‘Do you want me to sit with you until you fall back to sleep?’

  She shakes her head. When her bottom lip starts to quiver, my heart is torn in two. This whole parent thing is going to be harder than I thought. I want her to be happy here—to feel safe. I’m not prepared for this. I thought I was. I have no idea what to do.

  ‘Do you wanna come sleep in my bed, with me?’

  She nods.

  ‘Come on then.’ I slide my hands under her arms.

  ‘Puppy come. He scared too.’

  ‘Okay, Puppy can come.’ I scoop him up off her pillow and pass him to her before heading back to my room.

  Once I have her settled, I climb in beside her. Pulling her closer to me, I tuck the blankets up around her chin. ‘Is this better?’

  ‘I not scared now,’ she answers with a yawn.

  I kiss her forehead. ‘That’s good.’

  ‘I wuv you, Daddy,’ she whispers as her eyes drift closed. Hearing her say that makes my heart sing. I’m pretty sure it will never get old.

  I’m smiling as I close my eyes as well. ‘I love you too, Peanut.’

  CANDICE

  I PLASTER A SMILE ON MY FACE WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE front door. Sophia is worried about me. I’ve put her through hell the past six months and she probably thinks I’m going to fall back into the hole I was in when Maddie was born. At the time, I was still struggling with the loss of Jax, so stepping aside to let Sophia raise Maddie sent me spiralling out of control. She was a piece of us. All I had left. Yes, I got to live with her and see her every day, but it wasn’t the same.

  When she was born, I breastfed her for the first two weeks, but then Sophia suggested that we wean her onto a bottle. She said it would keep me from getting too attached. She was probably right, but I was already attached. I was the one who experienced every kick, every movement as she grew inside me. She was part of me. How could I not be attached to a life I created? I knew Sophia was doing what she thought was best for me, but there was a part of me that resented her for it.

  I wish Jax could understand how hard this has been for me, how much I suffered from the decisions I made. How his treatment of me led me into years of heartache and regret.

  In time I’ll get through this, I know I will. This is a walk in the park compared to what I’ve already been through. I have my little girl back, and I now get to be the mother I always craved to be. I wish things were the way they used to be between me and Jax, but I have to accept that they’re not, and probably never will be. Seeing him is going to be a struggle, as well as a continual reminder of what I’ve lost. But being able to witness the relationship he’s trying to have with his daughter is beautiful. As much as it hurts me to see him, I don’t want to miss that. He’s already proven he’s going to be a wonderful father, and I’m happy that Maddie is going to have that, as it’s something I wished for all my life: a father to love me.

  I freeze when I enter the kitchen and see my mum wrapped in the arms of a man—something I’ve never seen before. This must be the guy she told me about. God, what’s his name again? Bruce? Brock? Bryce?

  I stand there bewildered, unable to look away. He’s humming some song in her ear as their bodies sway. A smile tugs at my lips when he twirls her in his arms before dipping her. It’s a beautiful sight. Sophia deserves happiness. She’s sacrificed her whole adult life to care for me, then Maddie. It’s time she got that back.

  ‘Candice,’ I hear Sophia say as I spin around to leave the room. ‘I didn’t realise you were back.’

  ‘I just got back now.’

  ‘Come,’ she says. ‘I want you to meet Brendan.’

  Ah, Brendan, I was close. He looks to be in his early fifties, and very handsome. His thick, dark hair is greying at the sides, and he has the most beautiful green eyes. They kinda twinkle. The way Sophia looks up at him and smiles when she says that warms my heart. I hope he feels the same way about her—I don’t want to see her get hurt. As far as I know, there’s been nobody since my father. He really did a number on her. I’ve never seen her with anyone.

  Although my sperm donor has provided for us financially all these years, he’s wanted nothing to do with me. I hate him for that, but especially for the way he’s treated my mother. She didn’t deserve to be treated so poorly. She didn’t ask for me, but I’ll be forever grateful she stepped up and took responsibility for the life she helped create. God knows where I would’ve ended up if she hadn’t.

  ‘Hi,’ I say. ‘I’
m Candice.’

  He shakes my hand. ‘It’s lovely to finally meet you, Candice. I see you inherited your mother’s exquisite beauty. You two could pass as sisters.’

  He’s a charmer, I’ll give him that. He’s right though, we could. Although she’s in her early forties now, thanks to Botox and her plastic surgeon, Sophia doesn’t look a day over thirty.

  Sophia filled me in on Brendan’s entire life story when I first came home. He’s some hotshot criminal lawyer. He was married for twenty-six years. He and his wife were both very career minded and didn’t have any children of their own. Their divorce was amicable—apparently they drifted apart over the years. Now he lives in a penthouse apartment in the city. He’s a sensational kisser. A total romantic. A die-hard footy fan. He’s close with his family. He has two brothers and one sister, or was it two sisters and one brother; I’d kinda tuned out by then.

  ‘Thank you. It’s nice to meet you too,’ I reply. ‘I’ll leave you two alone, I’m going to my room.’

  ‘Wait,’ Sophia says, grabbing my arm. ‘How did things go at Jax’s?’

  ‘Okay.’ I shrug. ‘Maddie’s new room looks amazing. He did such a good job.’

  ‘How was he with you?’

  ‘Fine. You know …’ I don’t really feel comfortable talking about this in front of Brendan. ‘They were settling in for a movie night when I left.’

  ‘He didn’t ask if you wanted to join them?’

  ‘No. I think he was looking forward to spending time with his daughter.’

  ‘Oh, sweetie.’ Sophia rubs her hand affectionately down my arm. ‘Give him time. It’s a big adjustment for him.’

  ‘I know.’ I plaster on a smile again. ‘Where are you off to tonight?’

  ‘Dinner and dancing,’ Sophia says, smiling up at Brendan all goofy-eyed again.

  ‘You’re more than welcome to join us,’ Brendan says. He slides his arm around her waist, and pulls her into his side before placing a kiss on the top of her head. It’s very sweet. I envy them.

  ‘Thanks for the offer, but I don’t want to be the third wheel.’

  ‘You won’t be. Come with us,’ Sophia says. ‘I hate the thought of you being here all alone.’

  ‘Honestly, I’m fine. I have some things I want to do anyway.’ I kiss her on the cheek. ‘Have a great time.’ I glance at Brendan. ‘Look after my mum, she’s pretty special.’

  ‘She is. And I will,’ he says, his eyes never once leaving her. The way he looks at her has me feeling somewhat relieved. It’s pretty obvious he’s just as smitten as she is.

  ••••

  ‘Maddie!’ I cry as she lets go of Jax’s hand and leaps into my arms. I’m impressed that she’s already bathed and dressed in her pyjamas. He’s a good dad. ‘I missed you, baby girl.’

  It’s only been two days, but it felt like an eternity. I know Jax needs his time with his daughter, but I struggled without her this weekend. That six months we spent alone together really bonded us. It strengthened what we already had and finally gave me the chance to do what I’d craved since her birth: to be her mother in every sense of the word. Yes, I helped raise her, but our time away was different.

  ‘Mummy,’ she says, squeezing me tightly around the neck. Hearing her call me that makes me smile. She occasionally slips up and calls me ‘Sissy’, but mostly it’s ‘Mummy’ now.

  ‘Did you have fun at Daddy’s house?’ It feels weird yet liberating to say that.

  ‘Daddy fun. We had cake.’

  ‘Wow, cake. You’re a lucky girl.’ Jax smiles as he shoves his free hand into his pocket, showing me that vulnerable side I’ve always loved. But his smile seems forced, and I hate that he now sees me in a different light. I’m still the same person I always was. I made a mistake. Hopefully in time we’ll at least get back to a fraction of what we were. I miss him so much I ache inside.

  ‘Chocwit cake.’ Maddie gets her sweet tooth from him.

  ‘Mmm, my favourite.’ After burying my lips into her soft cheek, I put her on the ground. ‘Sophia is in the kitchen, why don’t you go and say hello?’

  ‘’Kay. I home, Phia,’ Maddie screams as she runs down the hall.

  ‘So, how did you go with her?’ I ask, taking the suitcase from him.

  ‘Good. We had a great time.’

  ‘I’m glad.’

  ‘Her dirty clothes are in a plastic bag inside. I’d planned on washing them for you, but I didn’t get time. She can be a little full-on.’

  I laugh. ‘They say terrible twos, but I swear three-year-olds are worse. She’s like the Energizer Bunny, she just keeps on keeping on.’

  ‘Exactly.’ He chuckles. ‘But she’s good value.’

  ‘She is.’

  ‘I loved having her, she’s—’

  ‘Amazing,’ I say.

  ‘Yes.’

  It’s good to see that we still have that uncanny knack of knowing what the other is going to say. I put Maddie’s suitcase at the bottom of the stairs before following Jax into the kitchen. When he comes to an abrupt stop just inside the doorway, I hastily step to the side to avoid crashing into his back. That’s when I see Sophia singing and dancing around the kitchen with Maddie in her arms. It reminds me of what I saw last night between Sophia and Brendan. She’s been floating ever since she returned from their date. He sent flowers this morning, and this afternoon they talked on the phone for over two hours.

  Jax turns his head slightly, making eye contact with me. ‘Has she been drinking?’ he whispers.

  ‘No. She’s on a Brendan high,’ I reply, rolling my eyes. ‘I think she’s in love.’

  ‘Oh.’ I see his smile widen as he turns his attention back to them. ‘Being in love suits her.’

  Being in love suited me too, until I messed everything up and lost the other half of my soul.

  Jax focuses most of his attention on Maddie during dinner. I’m flooded with guilt for the inkling of jealousy I feel. I was the one he used to shower his attention on. It hurts to suddenly be on the outside. To know he’s only here for Maddie. I should be grateful he wants to keep things amicable for our daughter’s sake. I suppose things could be worse.

  I wipe Maddie’s hands and face when she’s done. ‘It’s time for you to go to bed.’

  ‘Daddy read Caterpiwa.’

  ‘Sure. If he wants to,’ I say, looking at Jax. ‘Do you want to read to her before bed?’

  ‘Of course.’

  I stand in the doorway of Maddie’s bedroom and watch the two of them together. Jax is lying beside her on the bed, reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar. I know the words off by heart. I’m sure Maddie does too. Is it wrong that I use the time to pretend that this is my life? That this is our house, and Jax is my husband? That we’re a happy family? Because that is exactly what I’m doing. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wished for this. I wished that he’d find out about the pregnancy, and we would be together. Happy and in love, raising our child together. In a way, I got my wish. We are raising her together now, but it’s nothing like I’d dreamt it would be.

  After he tucks her in and we both kiss her goodnight, I follow him down the stairs. ‘I have something for you,’ I say, when we reach the landing. ‘I’ll just grab it.’

  When I return I pass him a large gift box. ‘I spent the weekend putting this together for you.’

  ‘Really,’ he says as he begins to remove the lid.

  ‘Don’t open it now.’ I put my hand on the box to stop him. ‘Wait until you get home.’

  JAX

  My eyes keep drifting to the box sitting on the passenger seat of my car. I have no idea what’s inside, but it makes me feel uneasy for some reason. I can see that Candice is remorseful about what’s happened, and she’s trying hard to make things right. I need to remember that. Can you ever right a wrong, though? That’s the million-dollar question. I have my doubts.

  When I arrive home, the first thing that hits me is how quiet it is. I miss my little girl already. Placing the
box on the coffee table, I stare down at it as my fingers run through my hair. I’m pretty certain there’s nothing bad inside, but the betrayal is still raw. Maybe I should have a beer first.

  I twist the top off a beer bottle, tossing it into the trash as I leave the kitchen. Entering the lounge room, my eyes immediately land on the box again. It’s just a damn box, why does it have me on edge?

  I sit on the sofa and take another pull of my beer before putting it on the table. I exhale loudly as I pull the box closer, and remove the lid. The first things I see are a few ziplock bags. I pick up the one that contains a pair of tiny pink shoes. Maddison’s first shoes is written on the front. Opening the bag, I take the shoes out and lay them in the palm of my hand. I’m grinning as I look down at them. They’re so small. I feel a pang in my heart. My gaze moves back to the box. It’s full of things from Maddie’s short life. Am I ready for this? I’m hurting already.

  Placing the shoes back into the bag, I pick up the next bag. Inside are a few blonde curls and the bag is labelled Maddison’s first haircut. When I pull out the hospital band from her birth, I slide it over my finger. It amazes me to think her wrist was not much thicker than that.

  I find a small frame that has a plaster cast of her tiny hands and feet mounted inside. A lump rises in my throat as my fingers skim over the surface. This must’ve been done shortly after her birth.

  In the bottom of the box I find two more things: an album and a DVD, which has Maddison written on the cover. I pop the disc inside the player in my entertainment unit. I grab the remote from beside the television and pick up my beer, settling back into the sofa.

  I’m smiling the moment Maddie’s sweet face comes into the frame. She’s so small. Her hair is a lot shorter, and when she smiles I see she only has a few teeth in her mouth. ‘Sis-sis,’ she says, holding her hands out in front of her and wiggling her small fingers.

  ‘Oh my God!’ Sophia squeals. ‘Did you hear that? Her first word. She said “sis-sis”. Yes, Candice is your sissy, Maddie … Good girl.’