by Andrew Elgin
Javin had turned to look at where Hanlar had pointed and sat for a moment, gazing. "I did spend a little time with Bellis, back where I landed --"
"It's called Landing. That place is called Landing," Hanlar said.
Javin nodded. "Well, at Landing, Bellis told me to find my spot there. I had to find a spot which felt right for me. And also a place which didn't feel right. It took a long time. But I don't think I felt anything like you said. One bit felt good and the other didn't. And the rest of it, I didn't feel anything at all. I could have just fooled myself into thinking they were different."
"Well, maybe it will take its own time, but I'm sure Harmony will get to you as well."
"Yes. But what if it doesn't? I'd be like someone who's blind while everyone else can see. A blind man, with no memories. Or deaf to whatever it is that everyone else hears."
Hanlar had no answer to that.
"I can't go home. I know that because I'm pretty sure if there was a spaceship available someone would have mentioned it. I'm cut off in more ways than one." Javin began plucking at the leaves on the minnit plant. "I'm stranded here. I can't seem to remember very much. I don't understand what I'm doing here, the things I do here with you. And I am also, apparently, unable to hear or connect or whatever it is that everyone else here can do. Plus I have no talent" He threw the leaves away. "What would you do if you were me?"
"I don't know. I'm sure it's hard for you. Maybe the only true connection you can have is with yourself, your memories. Perhaps we need to forget about everything else and help you that way. There are healers. They can do many things. Perhaps one of the things they can do is heal your mind."
Javin chewed on his lip as he thought. "How would I find one?"
Hanlar sighed. "It's not going to be easy. We could send word out to Torrint maybe? He might know of someone and be willing to take you. There's not a lot of traveling done. People stay where they are. They don't go very far, generally."
"There's no healer here, then?"
"Mostly we look after ourselves. Herbs and such. Some of us have a little talent for easing pain and helping healing. But nobody here has a real healing talent."
Javin stood up. "So what you're saying is that there might be healer somewhere who could bring back my memories, but we have no idea where he or she is or even how long it might take to get there, assuming Torrint wants to take me, and we can get in touch with him... or her." He took a deep breath. "And then, of course, there's the assumption that I'm going to be happy getting those memories back again. Doesn't sound that hopeful, does it?" And he walked off.
Hanlar sat and watched him, unable to offer any comfort.
For the next few days, nothing more was said, in Javin's hearing anyway, about talents or hearing Harmony or his memories. Javin had the distinct impression that Paysa and Hanlar had had another talk about him in their silent fashion. His mood had become more one of quiet depression, of unwilling resignation. The talk with Hanlar had made him realize just how cut off he was here. This way of life was not going to change. He was going to be doing this, living like this, for the foreseeable future. All he knew was that this was not what he would have chosen for himself. But, and here was the problem, he had no idea what alternatives there were. He felt trapped, and not just through his lack of knowledge. There was no easy transportation, nor an easy way to send a message or talk to anyone, not even the neighbors, who were a long walk away; a day there and back, according to Hanlar. The sense of his isolation was becoming stronger. And he did not know of anything he could do to alter that.
One morning, as he and Hanlar were about to head off to the fields, Paysa called out. "This has gone on long enough, Hanlar. I think we need to do something." She glared at her partner and brushed at her head as if she were brushing away a strand of hair. "And you can stop that right now. You know I'm right."
Paysa hauled on Javin's arm and told him to sit down.
"I think we need to sort some things out. And I think we should do that now."
"We should be going out to that far field --," Hanlar began.
"You can get on with that by yourself." Paysa seemed all bristle and sharp-edges. "You were capable before Javin arrived. You can do it again now. I am going to have a word with Javin here." And she waved Hanlar off as if she were shooing a child.
She looked down at Javin who had sat himself down on the edge of the porch and was looking confused. Had he done anything wrong? He had kept his promise, as far as he was able to. He couldn't think of anything which might have caused her reaction.
Paysa sat down next to Javin. A determined look on her face as she took in the land around them. She finally faced Javin and reassured him. "There's nothing wrong. Well... not in the way you might be thinking. You've done nothing wrong. Apart from being like a small thundercloud around the place." She forestalled anything Javin might have said by resting her hand lightly on his arm. "And you have a perfect right to be like that. I have absolutely no idea what I would be feeling if I was in your position. And that's what I want to talk about with you.
"I know what you promised Hanlar, and what you both have been talking about." She let a small smile slide across her face. "No secrets remember? But I think it's time, it's way past time, in fact, to face up to what is going on here. And what is going on with you. And, more importantly, what can be done about it.
"You can't spend the rest of your life hating what you do. Nobody should. And I don't believe that you do not have a talent." She shook her head vigorously to underscore her words. "It's just not possible. Everybody has some talent. And as for not hearing Harmony, being apart from Her, that's not possible either. And I don't care what you think about that, I know that it's not possible. What it means is that we; Hanlar, me, Tarla, we have to find out what it is that can be done to make this happen. If we can't get your memories back, then we can help you find your connection, your talent."
She patted Javin's hand. "There's no reason why you should remain feeling so lost. Now, I can't stop you hating this life, although I can't understand it. I love it. It's perfect. It's where I know, really know, I belong." She threw her hands out wide as if trying to encompass everything around her. "But you got thrown into it. I understand that. But...," she shrugged her reluctant acceptance of Javin's obvious idiocy.
"Hanlar thought he was doing right by letting you get on and maybe find your own way to liking this life. But, even after this short time, I know that's not going to happen, is it?"
Javin, who had been wondering where this was all going, shook his head slowly. "I just can't see this as being what I do. Not forever. I'm sorry."
"Sorry isn't necessary. You are who you are." Paysa was all business now that she was approaching the real reason for talking to Javin. "I have been doing some thinking. And I, that is Hanlar and I, even if he hasn't thought of it yet, we think that what you really need is less work and more time to get to know Harmony. You can do it working away with plants and animals. But maybe it's time to try something new. Instead of working on Harmony, you should try resting on Her, let Her get to know you in a different way. Let each of you find each other. I think that you need to stop working so hard and that it would be better to just let yourself find out about Harmony yourself."
"Just wander around? Is that what you're saying? Doing nothing?" Tempting though that might have been in the first few days, Javin realized how much the discipline and routine of work was helping him get through the days.
"Sort of. I'm far too busy at this time of year. Helping harvest seeds, spin, preserve food... ," she dismissed all these tasks with a wave of her hand. "So that leaves Tarla for most of it. I'll help where I can, and so will Hanlar." She turned to peer closely at Javin. "I am trusting you, Javin. You've made one promise to Hanlar. Now you make one to me."
Javin sensed her seriousness and, nodding, said, "What is the promise?"
"That you do nothing to hurt Tarla. Nothing. She is young. You are a stranger, new here. Do not hurt
her."
Javin tapped himself on the chest with his hand. "I will make that promise, Paysa. I will do nothing to hurt Tarla in any way. Promise."
Paysa continued looking at him for a moment longer before finally nodding, as if she had found something she was looking for. "Then it is done." She patted him on the back. "Also, we will send a message to Torrint to come and get you." She noticed Javin's eagerness. "It will take time, I've no doubt. Perhaps he will know where a healer is who will help you. Even if he doesn't, you will meet others who might know. All we do know is that there is no one here to help you. So, between now and then, you will have plenty of time to be with Harmony and to find your talent. Now, run after Hanlar and tell him that tomorrow, he's working alone. And don't forget your promise."
Javin got up. "I won't. And that's a promise, too. Thanks, Paysa. Thanks for trying to help. I do appreciate it. Really. I just hope it works out."
"So do I, Javin. So do I. Oh, and there's no need to tell Hanlar." She tapped her head and smiled. "I just let him know."
Javin smiled back and set off. He had made a promise to Paysa and he was sure he could easily keep it. He would do nothing to hurt Tarla, but could he stop Tarla from being hurt anyway? He had doubts about that.
The next day was the beginning of the new regime. Javin sat on the porch, in the same place as the day before, not knowing what else to do. Breakfast was never a family affair. Normally, he had eaten with Hanlar before they left together. Usually, they were on their own. Sometimes Paysa was there. Often Tarla would drift in and eat with them. Today had been different. He had taken some fruit and some water with Hanlar as usual, but had not rushed. When Hanlar had stuffed some dried meat and a small round of something which Javin thought might be cheese into a small leather bag, he had felt a small pang of guilt, knowing how hard Hanlar already worked. Hanlar, however, stopped and smiled at Javin.
"Don't you go feeling bad about this, Javin." He wagged his finger at him for emphasis. "What I do is the same as always. With you or without you, it is always there. And Harmony will always help. You need to find your place here with Her. And Paysa is right. You won't find it with me. But I hope you will find it soon. For your sake." And he was on his way.
Javin had moved to the porch, chewing on the fruit, an oblong, tart-tasting item, wondering what to do and how to make sure he kept his promise to Paysa. Tarla was just in that transition between girl and woman. A long, golden braid and an open, smiling face and with a talent which, apparently, meant she could hear how he felt. A mix of innocence and expertise which was a little unsettling.
He tried to recall anyone like Tarla from before his arrival on Harmony and only ran into the same blankness as always. As he tried, yet again, to find some details of his past, Tarla sat down beside him.
"Hello," she said shyly.
"Good morning, and thank you for being willing to help me with all this." And he spread his hands to encompass the view in front of them.
Tarla bobbed her head. There was an awkward silence for a moment.
"Perhaps you can tell me one thing I've been wondering about?" asked Javin. "How exactly will Torrint get a message asking him to come here? I don't understand that at all. How does anyone get messages here?"
A look of relief flashed across Tarla's face. "Actually, there's no sure way of doing it." She tilted her head. "Over there are our neighbors, Sallnat and Fellisin. We will try to find Sallnat and tell him. He has a cart which can take him to the road. And there he can put up a notice for Torrint. If Torrint sees it, and it suits him, he will come. If someone else sees it and knows where Torrint is and is likely to meet up with him, then he will take it to him. If not... ," she shrugged.
"So it could take a very long time, then? I hadn't realized." Then, "Why does the neighbor go and not one of you, of us?"
"We don't have a cart. We did have one, but we traded the dog, Kellar, we traded Kellar, for some other animals. We traded with Sallnat, actually. It's a long way to the road. It would take far too long to walk. I haven't been there myself."
"A dog cart?"
"They're big. The dogs are big." Tarla held her hand at about head height, as she was sitting on the ground. "They're very strong."
"I never knew. Is Torrint the only trader, the only one who could take me?"
"Mmmhmm."
There was another silence. Then Tarla, visibly plucking up courage, said, "Perhaps we should start and see what we can do to help you?"
Javin inclined his head in appreciation. "That would be wonderful. Thank you very much." Out of the corner of his eye he was very aware of Paysa's presence just inside the doorway. "So... how do we do that?"
Tarla's face took on a serious look. She rested her hands on her knees and looked at her feet. "Harmony is sort of always in my head. In our heads. It's like a sound, or not a sound, but like just knowing there's something else inside, but not scary. She is always there, but in the background. You can choose to hear Her more loudly. Often, in the day, what I'm doing drowns Her out. But I know, always I know, that She is there and I can stop and She comes back again." She frowned a little as she concentrated on getting the words right. "If you stop thinking, just relax, you can hear Her." She smiled briefly. "At least, that's the way it works for me. Maybe for you it would be a feeling more than a sound. Or maybe it might be something else." Still not looking at him, Tarla asked, "Have you felt anything like that since you've been here? Something new, some new feeling in your head?"
"Just that time at Landing when I felt one patch of ground felt different to the rest."
"You're not going to learn anything staying here and talking. You should go somewhere new and try to learn what Tarla's telling you." Paysa had been watching them and had decided it was time to intervene if anything was to get done. "Start off near some water. By the pond or by the stream. See what happens." Tarla and Javin got up. "And don't be late for lunch. I want you back here to help me with it, Tarla." Paysa caught Javin's eye and glared meaningfully at him.
On the gentle slope at the back of the small house, there was an equally small pond fed by a narrow, lively stream. The water spilled from the pond into a channel and ran down into the house, filling the large bowl there and flowing away through another channel towards the stables. Javin had never been here before, always working in the other direction with Hanlar. It was peaceful. The sun, smaller than he was used to, was warm and it was a pleasant spot to be.
Tarla motioned him to sit where the stream entered the pond. "Perhaps listening and watching the sky will stop you thinking. Perhaps Harmony will come to you when you are still."
It was the first of many attempts to 'hear' Harmony. It was very pleasant, and Tarla was good company, but, after a while, both of them knew it was not happening.
After a last attempt, which consisted of lying under a large bush and watching the sunlight flickering through the fronds, Tarla judged the height of the sun. "It's time we were going back now."
"I'm sorry I'm such a poor student. I feel I've wasted your time today."
Tarla shrugged. "It's nice to have a break from chores. I don't mind." And she blushed.
She paused, just enough to allow Javin to walk beside her. She had been quiet all through the attempts, allowing him the best opportunity possible, although he could see that she really wanted to talk. He had looked up several times to find her staring at him with an expression he felt sure he knew but didn't want to admit to himself. Briefly he wondered if that was his talent; being able to understand what she wanted. But he dismissed it with a wry grin. It was too easy to see what Tarla was really interested in.
After eating a simple lunch, where the rich-tasting bread complemented the tart berries and there was the inevitable cup of simesh, Paysa cleared the table and sat back down again.
"No luck, then?" she asked.
Javin shook his head. "I don't seem to be able to get what's going on with Harmony. It's not for the want of trying or lack of help." Here he smiled at
Tarla who flashed a beaming, bright-eyed smile back at him.
"Maybe it's all locked up with the memory problem. Maybe, if you get them back, everything else will follow."
Javin shrugged. "Maybe."
"What about talents? What shall we try, do you think?" Paysa turned to her daughter. "Any ideas? I have some time now."
Tarla looked unsure.
"Well, what do we know about talents?" Paysa used her fingers as she spoke. "There's empaths, like you, Tarla. Then there's eyes. And healers. And touchers, movers and finders, speakers and... who have I missed out?"
"What are all those you just said? Touchers? Finders?"
"They're the words I use for them. Others might call them different names. A toucher can touch something and know what happened to it, where it's been, who's handled it and so on. My father was one. Not great, but good enough. Came in handy when trading. And finders are the ones who can find things. Like springs of water. That stream you were sitting by today? A finder found that one. A speaker can be one of several types--"
"Stop, stop! This is too much at once."
Paysa grinned a little sheepishly. "You're right. We should talk less and do more." She looked around and then pointed. "Tarla can you get that for me, please?"
'That' was a carved piece of wood. Javin wasn't sure what it was meant to be, but it looked old and smoothed by much handling. Paysa turned it over in her hands, her eyes softening before she placed it in Javin's.
"There. Just get the feel of it and see if you can get anything from holding it." In answer to the query in Javin's eyes she added. "Could be anything. A picture. A sound or even a smell. Maybe just a feeling."
Javin tried his best to have some sort of impression. But nothing happened. After what he hoped was a decent period of time, he carefully put it down with a sigh. "Sorry. I seem to be saying that a lot."
Paysa stroked the wood gently with one finger. "This was my mother's. My father made it for her. His first gift. She always cherished it." She looked up, her eyes bright with memories. "Ah well. Never mind." She glanced around for another idea. "Perhaps we can try something else."
