My Winter

by Nikki Young

  My Winter

  By Nikki Young

  Copyright © 2014 by Nikki Young

  All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission from the author. Please do not participate in or encourage the piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. All characters and storylines are the property of the author and your support and respect is appreciated. The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarities to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Cover Design by Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations

  www.okaycreations.com

  Table of Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Acknowledgments

  Chapter One

  When I hit send on the most recent text message I know it’s too much. Overkill. It’s the sixth one I’ve sent in an hour. All it said was, “I’m sorry”. I can feel myself growing obsessed, the anxiety pooling, which only adds to my need. And his lack of response only makes me need to contact him even more.

  My dependency on him sucks, but I can’t break the habit. I need him; I need his approval, his acknowledgement. He doesn’t respond because this is our game. He baits me and I do the same. The more I chase, the more he distances himself, but it doesn’t matter. This is how it works. Our relationship is built off a series of unfortunate events mostly caused by me and then followed up with a mess of apologies.

  Ten minutes pass without a response and I’m growing weary of his bullshit and this game. I grab a beer from the fridge and resign myself not to contact him again. Distracting myself, I begin to bake. Cupcakes, cookies, pie, whatever I have the ingredients for, I will make. My mind will wander, but eventually I’ll cave.

  It only takes seconds before my flour covered hand reaches for my phone, pressing the center button. The screen lights up, but I receive no reassurance that things are okay. My concentration is nonexistent as I pour what I hope is the correct amount of flour into the mixer. I re-read the recipe for a third time, but still fail to remember. Tossing the measuring cup into the sink, I grab for my phone again and in a moment of weakness I call him.

  Straight to voicemail. When his smooth voice plays, my heartbeat quickens and my hands begin to sweat. I hate who I’ve become.

  My voice is shaky as I attempt to leave a coherent message. “Hi Ellis. It’s um, Leah. But yeah, um, guess you know that.” I giggle slightly and suppress it quickly when I realize how stupid I sound. He hates when I giggle. He told me once that it made me sound uneducated. “I’m sorry. I really am. Can you please just call me back?”

  By his avoidance you’d have sworn I did something unspeakable, but in all actuality, it was so minor, so small that it barely registered on my radar. It wasn’t until this evening when he failed to return home that I realized it was an issue. He was cold this morning, short with me, but I didn’t notice. And it was all because of the night before. I had snuck out of work early to join my work girls for a few drinks at a bar near our office. Generally Ellis wouldn’t care; it was more about the state I was in when I came home last night, not to mention that Cari had tagged along.

  Ellis hates Cari and the fact that we were giggling when I stumbled through the door only added to his distaste.

  “Leah! Where have you been?” Ellis shouted and I jumped as another giggle slipped through my lips. I covered my mouth with my hand. Ellis opened his mouth to speak just as Cari’s palm slapped my butt.

  “Leah, you’re in trouble,” she said trying to sound menacing, but failed when she couldn’t stop laughing.

  Straightening myself as I attempted to sober up in seconds, I answered with, “Ellis, I sent you a text. I told you I was going to happy hour.”

  Before he responded, Cari jumped in only worsening the situation. “And we’re definitely happy!” she said laughing and linking arms with me. I turned and widened my eyes at her, but she missed the point and continued, “Ellis, you should really pull that stick outta your ass. You’re such a poop.”

  Hearing Cari call Ellis a poop made me laugh hysterically and the look on his face made both Cari and I laugh to the point of tears.

  Ellis is definitely “a poop”. He packs cashmere sweaters when we go camping, he loves wine, he wears a suit to work every day and he finds nothing, and I mean NOTHING funny.

  In that drunken moment of giddiness, I was finding it hard to remember why I was even engaged to him. I know that’s something Cari questions me about daily.

  “You sent me that text at a quarter past four, it’s now after midnight and this is how you show up?” He flipped a hand at me and rolled his eyes. I don’t think Ellis has ever been drunk in his life. To lose control like that is so beneath him and the fact that I do it regularly only makes him strive to be better than me even more. But I would pay big bucks to see it. He huffed at me and my eyes met his. “Have you no self respect?” he questioned and suddenly I was sober.

  “Oh, Ellis, give me a fucking break,” I said tossing my hands in the air. His eyes widened and I knew I had crossed the line.

  “I’m not going to fight with you right now. One, because you’re drunk and you probably won’t remember it and two, because Cari’s here and she’s a twit. Anything I say now will only make things worse.” He paused for second and ran his hand through his hair. “Get your ass in bed and sleep off whatever this act of rebellion is.” Again Cari laughed, but this time it was almost sinister. Something about Ellis’ comment had set her off.

  I’ve known Cari for ten years. We interned together after college at the ad agency we both currently work for. At one point we were roommates and we now share a cubicle at work, making every day one giant laugh fest. We create jingles and slogans for commercials and print ads and without her I’d have lost my mind. Cari knew me before I met Ellis. She knew me when I was with the Cheater, she knew me when I was with the Drinker, and she knew me when I was alone. She likes me better alone. Things changed when Ellis came along. He fucked up our dynamic and Cari, in my opinion, was jealous. Not so much anymore. She’s grown used to him after two and a half years. I too, have grown used to my new life, my new personality; but sometimes, old habits die hard. I often remind myself that he treats me better than any man I’ve ever been with. Maybe I was too wild before Ellis. He reeled me in and calmed me. At least that’s what I used to think.

  Cari squared her shoulders and I knew he was in for it. “Ellis, call me whatever you want, but this isn’t rebellion, this is Leah. The old Leah, when she used to be fun and she wasn’t trying to please you and your uptight personality and morals.” Cari sucked in a deep breath and hit him with a classic Cari line, “And just so you know, you kinda suck.” She exhaled hard, leaned over, kissed my cheek and stormed out the door.

  I looked at Ellis, shrugged my shoulders and headed for the bedroom. When my head hit the pillow, the only thought that crossed my mind was, “I’m going to regret this in the morning.”

  The only regre
t I had this morning was that fifth blueberry mojito I drank last night. Who drinks five blueberry mojitos? At least that’s what I thought my head was screaming at me, but it was hard to tell through the throbbing headache. I showered quickly, got dressed and blew Ellis a kiss. I hopped on the el and made my way to my office. It didn’t hit me that Ellis was still pissed until lunchtime. He’d been ignoring me. Texts, emails, a phone call to his office all unanswered. By the time I arrived home this evening, I was in a slight panic. That’s when the obsessive texting began and the desperate message was left.

  I don’t know why I seek his approval or why I’m constantly not meeting his standards. He really isn’t all that difficult to please, but for some reason I always push things just a little too far. Last night I told Cari I needed to leave. I told her Ellis would wonder where I was, but I stayed another hour, which turned into four hours, eventually leading to me stumbling home drunk and once again, disappointing Ellis. He’s good to me, but everything about our relationship is basic. I’m okay with that—at least some days I am. Maybe not so much right now. I don’t like groveling, but I do it to keep the peace. I’ve never been comfortable enough in my relationships to argue and it isn’t much different with Ellis. I tend to apologize just to keep things moving along. I’m thirty-two years old; if I don’t marry Ellis, what other option do I have?

  Standing in front of the oven as I peek at the slowly rising cupcakes, the warm air wafting into my face, I waver back and forth between calling Ellis to apologize again or just telling him to fuck off. Just as I’m leaning toward the “fuck off” my phone rings and in an almost panic, I grab for it only to see Cari’s name.

  “Hey Cari,” I answer sounding a little too defeated.

  “What up, bitch? Jimmy’s in town. You gotta meet us for drinks right now.” She giggles and I hear Jimmy yell something in the background.

  “I didn’t know Jimmy was in town.”

  “Yeah, got in an hour ago. I need you to stop sulking and meet us at that new sushi place. You know the one with that weird sign that has a tuna holding a butcher knife.”

  I sigh, knowing this is the last thing I should be doing, but I want to go. I love Jimmy and the last time he was in town Cari monopolized him. Jimmy is Cari’s boyfriend, although she refuses to call him that. He lives in Denver and works for the same ad agency we do, just out of their Denver offices. He visits at least twice a month, where he spends his time collaborating on projects with Cari and me, drinking with the two of us, and rolling around in Cari’s king size bed with her. The smile on her face grows bigger every time he shows up, but she won’t acknowledge they’re a couple. He sends her flowers regularly, she talks to him almost every day and when he leaves, although she will not say it out loud, she’s sad. Once when the three of us were drunk, Cari asked him to move in with her. Jimmy said yes, knowing all it would take was a quick word with our boss and he would be transferred to Chicago. But the next day, Cari claimed to be kidding. I saw Jimmy’s face fall and when I questioned him about it later, he said he wanted her to want him. He didn’t want a drunken question to lead to something she wasn’t comfortable with. He’s too nice to her and she’s too stupid to admit she needs him.

  I concede almost instantly. “Fine, I’m coming. Let me change my clothes.” I sigh again and give one last shot at finding a way out, because God knows I won’t be the one to say no. I know I’m walking a thin line with Ellis, but I’m tired of behaving as if he owns me. “You sure you don’t just want to hang out in bed with Jimmy? We could do this tomorrow.”

  “Jimmy and I have already been in bed and in the kitchen and in the shower.” Each time she speaks she exaggerates the and, making me cringe. “So just get your shit together and meet us. NOW!”

  “Okay bossy, I got it. Changing now. Be there in twenty.” I hang up with Cari and throw on a pair of jeans and a white tank. I grab a cardigan just in case it’s cold and I’m out the door. I check my phone as I wait for the bus, but still nothing from Ellis. Even though I want to make him worry, I text him a quick message to let him know I’ll be meeting Cari and Jimmy for drinks. Somehow this warrants an immediate response from him. Forget my apologies, my whiny message and multiple emails; this shit is what elicits a reply.

  Ellis: Are you serious?

  Me: Um, yeah. Jimmy’s in town. One drink, I promise. I’ll be home early and btw…where are you?

  Ellis: I’m at work. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

  Me: Fine.

  When my phone vibrates in my hand, I can’t bear to look at it. The thought of dealing with Ellis is currently pissing me off. Rarely do I find myself angry with him, but right now, I’m about to get spiteful. I turn my phone off and stuff it into the bottom of my purse.

  Cari and Jimmy are already seated when I arrive, so I quietly join them and order the first of many drinks. If I’m going to get my ass chewed out again tonight I might as well enjoy myself beforehand. Yet, for some reason, the urge to check my phone is terribly overwhelming. I want to ignore him, but something in me constantly compels me to make sure everything is all right.

  “Where’s Ellis?” Jimmy asks.

  “He’s at work. He wouldn’t have come anyway. He’s mad at me.” I wink at Cari and she laughs. “It’s Cari’s fault. She led me astray.”

  “My girl?” Jimmy questions, kissing the back of Cari’s hand. “Never. She’s far too sweet to cause trouble.”

  “Oh, Jimmy, you poor boy. It’s been years and she’s still pulling the wool over your eyes. When will you learn? She’s a little vixen.”

  “Trust me. I know what she’s like and I love it.” He smiles at her and Cari’s face lights up. When will she realize this boy loves her? Watching the two of them together makes my chest tighten. I’m jealous. I can’t remember a time when Ellis looked at me like that. Maybe he did and I just don’t recall. It hasn’t been that long, but he never went out of his way to make me feel wanted.

  After some great conversation, a good meal and a few laughs, Cari suggests taking our little party to the bar across the street. I attempt to bow out, but neither Cari nor Jimmy will allow it. Jimmy uses his out of town status to convince me, and I can’t bring myself to disappoint him. I pull my phone from the bottom of my purse; switch it back on, only to find nothing more from Ellis. I can’t decide if this infuriates me or relieves me. There have been many times in our relationship when he just gives up. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t question; he just acts as if I don’t exist. And even when he does seem like he cares, it comes across as more of a reprimand than an actual outpouring of genuine concern and love.

  I text Ellis letting him know I’ll be home in an hour as I slide into the worn vinyl booth across from Cari and Jimmy. I shouldn’t be here. Sushi was my limit, but here I sit staring at both of them wondering just how I’m going to explain my absence to Ellis, since I know he will question. I push the thought to the back of my mind as the waitress drops off our drinks. Jimmy excuses himself to the bathroom as I eye Cari suspiciously. I want to bait her into admitting she will at least tinker with the thought of calling Jimmy her boyfriend. She eyes me back and slowly raises her middle finger making me giggle. Not a word spoken and we’re both laughing like someone has told the best joke ever.

  As we regain control, a guy approaches our table. He’s wearing a tight dress shirt that manages to showcase his muscular arms extremely well, in addition to a tie loosened at the collar and a pair of fitted flat front suit pants. He’s quite yummy, but he’s here for Cari. This is an every day occurrence and now that Jimmy is in the bathroom, they will come in droves. See, Cari is every guy’s fantasy. Big boobs, tiny waist, cute little butt, but she can talk sports and drink with the best of them. And I’m certain the only reason this guy has made his way over here is the fact that Cari’s boobs look amazing and she was arguing stat scores on Albert Pujols when we walked in.

  He runs his hand through his dark blonde hair as he gazes down at Cari. She smiles sweetly, but her fac
e falls a bit when he bends down to whisper something in her ear. Slowly her hand glides across the table covering mine. My eyebrows knit together when we make eye contact. She’s never done this before and then she winks at me.

  “He’s here for you,” she says matter-of-factly.

  My eyes widen and I almost laugh. It’s not that I don’t get hit on; it’s just that my engagement ring is a huge deterrent. Given its size, it’s kind of hard to miss the three and a half karats. Then it hits me—Cari’s hand. I give my hand a slight tug and she tightens her grip. I pull again and this time she digs in with her nails. “Don’t be rude, Leah,” she says, her tone, slightly snotty. “Introduce yourself to this fine boy. He had the balls to walk over here.” She smiles at him and then lands a swift kick to my shin with her wedge sandal.

  “I’m Leah,” I say extending my only free hand. He takes it gently and I feel my entire body clench. I’m not sure why, but suddenly I’m extremely turned on by this encounter.

  “You Jewish?” he asks and I narrow my eyes.

  “No. Why are you?”

  “Yeah, I am. Your name, Leah, it’s a Jewish name.”

  “Well, I’m not Jewish. I was named after Princess Leia from Star Wars. They pronounced it Leah, but later changed the pronunciation.” Cari laughs at my ramblings, but still I continue. “Did you know that about the movies?” I ask. I sound like a damn fool.

  “No, I’m not a big fan of sci-fi, but I just might go home and watch it now because I’m certainly a big fan of you.” I giggle. It’s been a long time since someone has so blatantly hit on me. I find it refreshing. “You’ve got a great laugh,” he says and my heart flutters.

  “Thanks. I’m sorry, but I didn’t get your name,” I respond with a small smile on my face.

  “It’s Adam. Adam Shiller. So, Leah, who’s definitely not Jewish, can I get your number?” His pale blue, almost gray eyes twinkle with curiosity as he awaits my answer.