My Winter

by Nikki Young

  When I continue again, I feel anxious and my hands shake. “The funeral was a giant haze of crying and blue uniforms, bagpipes and speeches. It was pretty surreal, and then everything went back to normal. I was sent to school the next day, like nothing happened. Nothing was normal, though. My mom wore a fake smile, but drank and took pills just to be able to sleep. Joe quit playing basketball and Tommy suddenly aged ten years and became our missing father. Both my brothers joined the police force as soon as they could. Joe, because he had more guilt from my father’s death than he knew what to do with. I think he thought it was a way to honor him. Tommy on the other hand, did it because he vowed to find who killed our father.”

  “Did you ever find out what happened?” Adam asks, respectfully.

  “Not really,” I answer. “We know that he was gunned down by someone who had probably been arrested by my father. Someone who felt they needed to seek revenge.”

  “It must be hard to live with the fact that you don’t actually know what happened,” Adam says as he runs his hand over my hair.

  “My family died that day too. I think that’s what makes it so hard to deal with. I lost my mom and my brothers.” I feel the tears well up in my eyes again because I’ve never admitted this out loud. I wouldn’t say it to my mom or my brothers. The hurt for all of us is still so real; I know my admission would only cause more pain. “My mom became a shell of a person. She’d go through the motions, but never really living. She tried her best to act as if she was okay, but it showed. My brothers struggled too. Joe became an alcoholic at sixteen—his coping mechanism. And Tommy, a vigilante. He wanted the person who killed our father dead and hopes to one day find him. It consumes him. It always has.”

  Every winter I relive the day of my father’s death. The entire season is rooted with pain and hurt. With winter comes the never-ending frozen images of that day. Snow and cold synonymous with anything and everything that can be taken from me.

  “Leah, I’m so sorry you had to go through this,” Adam says as he hugs me tightly.

  “I used to have panic attacks,” I tell him. “Really bad ones, but then they just stopped. I realized that when you shut yourself off from the world, you have nothing to lose. Someone can’t take what’s not there. I only let myself dwell on it when winter comes.”

  Adams laughs a little and I pull away looking up at him. “Sorry,” he says. “I’m not laughing at you. It’s funny because I felt that way for a long time too. After my ex cheated on me, I decided that the world was full of untrustworthy assholes and so I said fuck ‘em all.” Adam pulls me onto his lap and I wrap my legs around his waist, my arms resting on his shoulders. “But every once in a while, someone comes along and changes your view.” He winks and plants a kiss on my lips. “Someone who makes you see the good in people. Someone who makes you believe in falling in love again.”

  I can’t respond even though I know I should. I lay my head on his shoulder and listen to his slow steady breathing. It’s a soothing sound. He’s here with me now and I need to live for moments like this.

  “All I ask of you, Leah, is that you’re honest with me,” he says before he lays me down on the bed sliding next to me; he pulls me against him. His eyes close and I want to confess everything about Ellis, but I can’t. Not now, not when it’s been this long.

  “I want you to meet my family,” I whisper in the quiet stillness of the room. “Will you come to Sunday dinner?” The thought of Adam meeting my family scares me, yet somehow calms me too. I know I’m walking a fine line here and there’s a possibility that he may find out about Ellis, but I need Adam to know he’s important to me.

  “Of course,” he whispers back. “I’d love to.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Two weeks later, Adam and I are driving to my mom’s house for Sunday dinner and I’m nervous as hell. Every time he looks over at me he laughs.

  “Will you calm down? This isn’t a big deal.” He reaches over and takes my hand. Bringing it to his lips, he kisses the back of it.

  What I want to tell him is that it’s a really big deal. A huge fucking deal, actually. I’ve been lying to him and it just might blow up tonight.

  The week before, I prepped my mom and my brothers. I had to come clean to someone, and although they all disagreed with my method of deceit, they did agree that it was my secret to tell. At least I felt like I was in the clear that no one would oust me purposely; accidentally could be another story. Just to drive my point home a little more, I sent them each a text this morning reminding them not to mention Ellis or my engagement.

  The last time I brought someone home to meet my family it was Ellis, and in all honesty, it was just plain awful. So my nervousness isn’t just due to my truth hiding, but also due to the fact that I’m terrified my family isn’t going to like Adam. The sad part is, when I brought Ellis to meet them, I already knew they weren’t going to like him, nor would he like them. This time, I want my family to like Adam. I want them to accept him and realize how much a part of my life he has already become.

  As we turn onto my mom’s street I’m overcome with memories of Ellis. That first time I brought him home was such a dreadful experience, not that the other handful of times were any better. He was so standoffish with my brothers, uninterested in anything my mother had to say and was horribly judgmental about where I grew up.

  Stepping onto the porch of her house, I remember my hands shaking. I stopped and turned to Ellis hoping for some support, some glimmer of hope that he was excited about this, but he gave nothing in return. I put my hand on the doorknob and paused for a second as he began to speak.

  “This is really where you grew up?” he asked, sounding disgusted.

  My hand fell from the knob. I didn’t know how to respond. I was hurt, but I was also embarrassed. All I ever wanted from him was to be accepted. He was about to see exactly who I was and I knew then, it wouldn’t matter how much I changed this would always be where I came from. I would never be enough for Ellis. The realization hurt, but not enough to walk away. If anything it kept my emotions in check.

  I find myself in the same spot that I stood with Ellis. My hands are shaking again, but this time Adam takes my hand in his. He squeezes it gently and smiles at me. When I look up at him his smile drops away.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks with genuine concern.

  I shake my head, but he doesn’t buy it. Adam’s hand releases mine and his fingers grip my chin forcing me to look directly at him. I smile weakly and he runs his thumb along my bottom lip.

  “You’re pouty. Why?” Adam asks.

  “I’m nervous,” I admit. “I want you to like my family.” As the words leave my mouth, I look away from him. I’m never this open or honest and saying it out loud makes me feel foolish.

  Adam leans in close and presses his lips to my forehead and a small amount of relief washes over me. He places his arm around my waist, his hand settling on the small of my back as he pulls me against him. His lips brush my ear and goose bumps break out up and down the length of my body.

  “Don’t be nervous, Leah,” he whispers along my neck. “I’m here because of you. I’m here for you. You’re important to me and I know this is important too.”

  He makes me want to cry. Instead I throw my arms around his neck and smother him with a kiss. Adam’s tongue slips between my lips, entwining with mine and I feel my stomach slowly flip and then flutter. His hand slides up my back and grabs ahold of my hair, gripping tightly and making me moan. I’m lost in the moment and any nervousness I had has completely disappeared. Neither of us hears the front door open and we both startle when my brother yells out, “Hey, Ma, Leah’s making out with some guy on the porch.”

  I yank myself away from Adam’s wonderfully calming mouth and bury my face in his chest. This is not how I wanted this to go down. And my nervousness has returned.

  Adam laughs as I mutter, “Fuck me,” into his chest. He kisses the top of my head and whispers back for only me to hear. “Al
ways.”

  I pull the screen door open and shove my hand into Tommy’s chest. “What the fuck?” I yell at him.

  “Ma, Leah just said ‘fuck’. Twice.”

  “Tommy, leave your sister alone and Leah doesn’t use language like that,” my mom yells from the kitchen. My brother’s eyes widen and his mouth drops open. I laugh hard at the look on his face as I grin shamelessly at him. He pulls me into him with a one-arm hug and plants a kiss on my temple.

  Tommy turns to Adam and extends a hand. “Hey, man, I’m Tommy. You must be Adam.”

  “Hey,” Adam says shaking Tommy’s hand. “Nice to meet you.” Without even a hint of nervousness in his voice or a pause in the conversation Adam says, “You guys got the game on?”

  “Yeah,” Tommy says. “You want a beer?”

  “Sure,” Adam responds casually.

  I catch Tommy’s eyes and he smiles at me, mouthing, “Much better,” a few seconds later. I giggle and shake my head at him.

  “What are you laughing at?” Adam asks winding his arm around my waist as we make our way toward the kitchen. Stopping in the doorway, he places a quick kiss on the top of my head causing everyone in the kitchen to stop and take notice.

  Standing there with the eyes of everyone on Adam and me, I know exactly what they are thinking.

  Ellis never touched me in front of them, let alone acknowledged we were even a couple. He generally stood rigid and far enough away from me that I couldn’t accidently brush against him, yet close enough to me for him to demand that we leave when he got bored. That was generally as soon as dinner was finished, sometimes sooner.

  Whatever conversation they were having stops immediately and the pause between me introducing Adam is unusually long. I feel like they’ve been staring at me for hours before I speak. Adam gives my side a small squeeze and I finally regain my voice.

  “Adam,” I stutter out, my voice cracking slightly. “This is my mom, Elizabeth.” I gesture toward her and luckily for me Adam takes over shaking her hand and handing her some flowers he picked up earlier today. The look on her face makes me want to weep and smile all at the same time. She already loves him and fuck me if I don’t too.

  I finish introducing Adam to everyone else and he’s polite and courteous, shaking hands and making conversation. A few minutes later Tommy hands Adam a beer.

  “You coming to watch the game?” Tommy asks.

  “Yeah, in a few,” Adam responds as he takes a drink from his beer and runs his free hand down my back.

  Joe and Tommy head into the living room leaving their wives and my mother with Adam and me in the kitchen.

  “Go,” I tell him.

  “You sure?” he questions with sincerity in his eyes.

  “Yes,” I say forcefully. “If you’re gonna get anywhere in this family, you better get on their good side.” I motion toward the living room. “The three in this room are easy.” Adam looks at my sister in laws and my mom and they are all smiling at him. He chuckles and kisses my head as he leaves the room.

  My mom swings a dishtowel, smacking me on the butt with it. “Leah Marie!” she practically shouts. “You failed to mention that he’s in love with you.”

  “What?” I whisper-shout back at her severely appalled. “No he’s not.”

  “Leah,” she says and it comes out with her accentuating the last syllable like she’s trying to make a point. “That boy is in love.” She says it like it’s a known fact and judging by the nods that are coming from Meagan and Sarah, they agree.

  “Ma, I’m not talking about this with you,” I respond feeling mildly embarrassed by her revelation. The thought has always been there in the back of my mind, but hearing someone say it out loud makes it far more real.

  “Fine,” she says putting her hands up in an I-give-up position. “I’m right though, mark my words,” she says firmly while pulling dinner from the oven.

  I roll my eyes and flop down in the chair next to Sarah, who begins to berate me about how good-looking Adam is.

  “If we’re commenting on things you forgot to mention,” Sarah says looking over at Meagan. “You forgot to mention that he looks like a damn model.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t think it was important,” I respond back.

  “Not important?” Sarah and Meagan both respond in unison. “It’s always important,” Sarah says. “I’m like fifty months pregnant. I haven’t had sex in God knows how long. A hot guy is always important.”

  “Don’t talk about sex in front of my mother, and even worse, you’re married to my brother.” I make a mildly disgusted face at her and she laughs.

  The conversation turns to Sarah’s pregnancy and how she swears she’s been pregnant forever. She’s miserable and Tommy has been working nights so she hasn’t slept well in weeks. I feel bad for her, but lose interest in the conversation when I hear Adam talking to my brothers in the other room. They are actually talking and when I hear them laugh, my heart feels like it might explode. This is what normal feels like.

  “Leah, go tell your brothers and Adam it’s time to eat,” my mom says interrupting my dream of the perfect life.

  I stop in the doorway to the living room and find my brothers and Adam glued to the TV. They don’t see me and I stay silent for a few moments just taking them in. They interact so naturally with each other. Nothing forced or uncomfortable. They’re talking about the game, their eyes not leaving the TV. I lean against the doorway and feel an intense amount of pleasure at what I’m witnessing. Their acceptance of Adam means more than they will ever understand or know.

  “You coming next Sunday?” Joe asks, clearly directing his question at Adam.

  “I don’t know. That’s up to Leah,” Adam answers.

  “You should,” Joe says back. “Beats spending Sundays with this shithead.” Joe motions to Tommy who completely misses the comment, which makes Joe and Adam laugh. I giggle and that’s when Adam notices me in the doorway. I give him a small wave and he smiles.

  “Dinner’s ready,” I tell them.

  Tommy’s the first to head into the kitchen followed by Adam and as I get ready to follow, Joe reaches for my arm causing me to stop. Pulling me back toward the living room, he hugs me tightly.

  “This is what you look like when you’re happy and it’s beautiful,” he says squeezing me a little tighter. To hear my brother say I look happy makes me wonder if it was obvious to everyone but me that I wasn’t happy with Ellis. His words make me smile because I know it puts him at ease knowing that my life seems to be falling into place. He releases me and we meet the rest of the group in the kitchen.

  We all find our usual spots at the table and that’s when I realize, I have been alone at these dinners for so long that there isn’t a spot next to me. The last chair left is between my brother Joe and my mom. Adam never misses a beat. He sits down and smiles at me from across the table.

  “Oh, Adam,” my mom says resting a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sure you want to sit next to Leah.”

  “Oh, no it’s okay, Elizabeth. I’m fine right here.”

  The dinner is full of conversation and Adam fits right in. It’s all basic conversation, mostly about Tommy and Joe’s jobs, which always seem to take precedence over everything else.

  Meagan interjects when there’s a lull in the conversation. “So Adam, how did you and Leah meet?” she asks.

  Adam grins at me and says, “We met in a bar.” And there’s the collective groan from my mom and brothers that I knew was coming. Adam looks at me wide-eyed and I shrug my shoulders. “What was that about?” Adam asks the table.

  Joe laughs and begins to fill Adam in. “Our mom has this firm belief that Leah is the perfect child. She had us and then she got Leah to make up for all the awful stuff we did. But it turns out, Leah is far worse than us.”

  “Watch it, Joseph,” my mom says from the sink where she’s washing dishes. She glares at him and shakes her head.

  “Oh, this should be good,” Adam says, laughing. “Let’s
hear it.”

  “Don’t you dare!” I shout at Joe. But he begins anyway.

  “Where to begin?” Joe says eyeing me with a mischievous grin on his face. I cover my face with my hands as Tommy tells Joe to fill Adam in on my first boyfriend.

  It all goes downhill from here and the entire table is laughing, including me.

  “Remember when Leah stole your car?” Tommy says to Joe through belly laughs that he can’t seem to control.

  “Fuck yeah, and she ran out of gas and left it on the side of the road. The best part of that was she convinced Mom that someone must have stolen it from the driveway,” Joe says. “It couldn’t have been her because she didn’t even have a drivers license. And Mom believed her.”

  “You guys have no room to talk,” I say shaking my head. “Remember when you intentionally pulled over that guy I was dating and scared the shit out of him? Talk about abuse of power.”

  “That guy was a prick,” Tommy says.

  “He was, Leah,” Joe says nodding in agreement. “Someone even spray painted it on the side of his car while it was in the police impound lot.”

  “I wonder who that was?” I ask sarcastically.

  “Must have been the same guy who stole Joe’s car,” my mom chimes in winking at me.

  I look over at Adam, who is staring at me with a wide grin on his face. Tommy sets another beer in front of Adam and the three guys leave to finish watching whatever football game is on now.

  The night is winding down; Meagan takes Sarah home so Tommy can stay and watch the game. Kissing both of them good-bye, I’m left alone with my mom.