Roller Coaster

by Karin Kallmaker

"Two."

  Leaning forward just slightly, she didn't wait for three.

  Karolina's lips were as soft as she had imagined and yet nothing like her fantasies. Warm, firm and strong. Her imagination had allowed her to isolate the experience of a kiss from the whisper of Karolina's breath over her cheek or the scent of her heady perfume. Reality was all of that, all at once. Overwhelming and yet subtle, it was even more arousing, and she had not thought her body could be any more in need than it already was.

  She might have tried to say something when the kiss ended, but Karolina kissed her again, this time pulling their bodies together. The sensation of a woman's sensuous body against her own was unlike anything she had ever felt before. It felt as if every cell inside of her was a shooting star. No experience in her life had felt more right.

  Kissing Karolina's neck, then her throat, she knew she was losing her grasp on something, but it seemed the only way to catch hold of the passion that was spiraling between them.

  "This is okay? This is what you want?"

  Karolina's words sounded languid in her ears. She pulled away slightly and was shocked at the half-lidded arousal that was plain on Karolina's face. Did she look the same? Was this happening?

  Karolina was unbuttoning her blouse-it was happening. She had never had a clue that skin could handle so much sensation. Her own palms, smoothing down Karolina's now bare arms, over her naked hips, had never felt this alive. Warm hands on her ribs, on her back, more kisses, a struggle for air to find an answer.

  "Yes," she finally said. "This is what I want."

  "The reception starts in a half hour," Helen murmured. With her arm wrapped over Karolina's body as they lay coiled on the bed, she was pretty sure Karolina was awake. She was also aware that she could find out by moving her hand up to Karolina's breast. Her response to the slightest touch was marked. She'd never felt this powerful before.

  "I have to be there," Karolina groaned. "I really don't want to move. That was..."

  She rolled over to face Helen, her hair a sexy mess and her mouth looking extremely kissable. "Tell the truth. You've never been with a woman before?"

  From powerful to shy in a heartbeat, she shook her head. "It's okay if you don't believe me. I'll take it as flattering."

  "I'm not saying there are things that don't get better with practice, but you were...very aware. Sensitive. Responsive."

  She felt Karolina's hand slip between her thighs to tease her again. Her nipples hardened and she shivered, unable to mask a moan. "We'll be late."

  "I'm no fool." Karolina kissed her softly as her touch became more direct. "Besides, this might only take a minute, if the past predicts the future."

  "I've never been like this before." The rocking of the ship was adding to her slight dizziness.

  "I'm glad."

  "Please." She moaned again. She was such a stupid woman, thinking these parts of her had turned to cement. They were alive and liquid. She pushed against Karolina's hand and felt her slip inside again, pressing against the places where Helen needed her. Against the same places she had found inside Karolina in a moment of breathless wonder. She knew the world was full of beauty and then there was this. Something else entirely.

  Minutes later she laughed against Karolina's shoulder. "Truly, this has been a revelation."

  "And now we really must get up."

  "I don't want to."

  Karolina kissed her. "If we get up that means later we can go back to bed."

  "Is it a cliché if I ask why this didn't happen earlier? We're in port in Miami at seven a.m. And supposed to be off the ship by eleven."

  Karolina kissed her again. "Get up. And we'll talk about that later."

  Helen separated herself from Karolina, feeling oddly deflated. Maybe it was just a crash after an incredible high. She slipped into her robe and went to turn on the shower. When she went back to the main room Karolina was already back in her slacks and pulling on her shirt.

  "I'll see you in thirty minutes or less," she said.

  "I'm looking forward to it."

  Karolina gave her an odd look. "We'll talk later. We are two very busy women." She stepped close enough to touch Helen's face. "I want to see you again. But tomorrow you go back to New York. I'm heading home to Chicago."

  "Can you divert to New York?" Helen knew it was a mad suggestion the moment it came out of her mouth.

  But Karolina didn't immediately say no. "I'll think about. It might be doable. For a night at least. I have to be in Chicago Sunday at the latest."

  "That's when I'll be back in California."

  It felt good to be wrapped in Karolina's arms, even if it was only for a moment. "We'll see what we can work out."

  She got in the shower feeling dazed. She didn't want to wash the scent of Karolina off her face and hands, not yet. She didn't want to go out in public and look like nothing had happened. On the inside she felt scarlet-brazen and bold and vibrant. But the mirror showed her the same face as always. Everything in her life had just changed. Hadn't it?

  Part Five:

  Brake Run

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  It wasn't until she was seated in the back of a cab next to Karolina, speeding toward the Miami airport, that she remembered to turn her phone on. The phone chirped and vibrated while it caught up on messages.

  Karolina was likewise thumbing through messages. "Let me sort these out, then I'll see about booking a different flight-preferably the one you're on."

  "I can't change mine or I won't get into Manhattan in time for makeup." Helen clicked through to her text screen. "A couple from my agent. She tagged them high priority, but then making sure we're going to meet for coffee is a high priority to her..." She gave her head a slight shake and read Cass's message again. Then the next one.

  "Is something wrong?"

  "Yes." She put her hand on Karolina's arm. "I'm really sorry-I'm not going to New York. I'm going home. There's been a situation with the house manager. Oh my God, Cass had her arrested."

  "What?"

  "I don't know. I have to call." Helen fumbled in her purse for her headset, then plugged it in and hit talk. One ring, two rings. "Cass, what in the hell is going on?"

  Cass sounded wan but buzzed, as if a double-shot espresso had only been partially successful. "Calm down. I just dropped the kids at school. They're fine. We're all fine. Everything has been handled. Laura is a godsend, and your accountants have covered all the financial bases."

  "What happened? You had her arrested?"

  "She's a thief, Helen." Cass's voice went tinny. "She had your gold silverware, some jewelry, and we've confirmed she was shaking down the landscapers, the cleaners and the contractor doing the electrical work, taking a cut from all of them. She's a real piece of work. And as a parole violator hopefully back in New Jersey by now."

  Her heart twisted in panic, even though she knew Cass wouldn't lie to her about the kids being okay. "How on earth did you find out? Why are you there?"

  "Who else could step in for you? Laura called me to say she'd stumbled on something that didn't smell right-look, I can give you the details when you get here. I already changed your flight because I was certain you would want to come home early. I called your producer two days ago and told her you would have to take the weekend. She wasn't happy but shit happens and this is shit."

  "Yes, I do want to come home." For the first time ever, Helen felt a twinge of...resentment. First time ever she wanted to spend the night with someone in New York and now she couldn't.

  "Are you sure? You don't sound sure? What's wrong?"

  "Nothing, I'm just in a bit of shock is all. Tell me about the flight."

  When she hung up, Karolina said quietly, "I take it I should stick with my flight to Chicago?"

  "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." She blinked to hide a sudden start of tears.

  "It's okay, it was just a chance as it was." She stared at her phone and Helen didn't know what she was thinking.

  "I'd like you t
o come for a visit, when you can."

  "I was just looking-what about two weeks from yesterday?"

  The ache in her heart cleared. "Yes. Yes, I'd like that." She thumbed up her calendar on her phone as well and they compared notes.

  "So it went about as well as you might expect," Cass said to Laura. "She was fairly hysterical, but not as much as I thought she'd be. I'm glad you can come to the airport with us-and thanks for driving."

  Laura accelerated into the fast lane, hoping the traffic would ease a little bit. The drive to SFO wasn't that far, but the 101 was notoriously sluggish almost all hours of the day. "Minivans and I have been frequent companions, plus driving on both sides of the road. You really don't have a car in New York?"

  "Nope. Neither does Helen, for that matter. I'm okay driving in the quiet little 'burb where Helen lives, but out here on a California freeway with the big boys-I'd rather not."

  Laura glanced in the rearview mirror at Julie. "I love the sign."

  Julie grinned. "It was fun to get out the crayons and glue sticks."

  "We've been fine," Justin said from the backseat, his voice sounding like he had a mouth full of cookie, which Laura suspected he did. "I don't know why she'd worry. We're sixteen and everything."

  "It's the 'and everything' I think," Cass said. She twisted around to look at Justin. "Don't eat all the cookies before we get there."

  "I can make more, Cass. There's dough left."

  "They're to make Mom feel better. Give me the plate to hold."

  "You're holding the sign."

  "I can do both." Julie infused her voice with scorn.

  "I'm holding the cookies."

  "Pax," Laura said. "I'm driving. My rules."

  Cass took a long swallow from her coffee. "Could you be less perfect? Or else I'll have to hate you."

  "Trust me," Laura said. She thought of Suzy. "I can find witnesses to my less-than-perfectness."

  "She swears when she cuts herself." Justin cleared his cookie-choked throat. "Is there any water?"

  "Serves you right," Laura said. "And yes, I say bad words when I cut myself. I know better than to have my fingers near a blade." She grimaced at the Scooby Doo Band-Aid wrapped around her thumb. The incident had made her realize there was no simple first aid kit in the kitchen-she'd rectified that.

  At the airport she parked in the short-term lot and they traipsed through the underground walkway to the terminal. Helen's flight was landing and Laura expected she would be among the first people off the plane. They took up positions at the security exit, Justin with his plate of cookies and Julie with her big "Welcome Back Mom!" sign that featured outlines of her and Justin's hands and several snowflakes made from construction paper.

  Only a few minutes later Helen was visible in the terminal promenade, then she was hurrying toward them with a big grin. Laura was grateful that Helen seemed to only have eyes for her children because she was sure the look on her face was far from professionally distant.

  The glow of the Caribbean was all around Helen. Her dark hair had highlights from the sun and her nose was touched with just a hint of red. She'd thrown a coat over the casual slacks and thin shirt that had probably been perfect for Miami, but nothing diminished how beautiful she looked. She wasn't Helen the actress, or even Helen from the roller coaster, Laura thought. Helen the woman, the mother, the person so obviously glad to be home, was taking Laura's breath away.

  She expected Helen to hug them all, and she did, but she went back for a second time with the kids and to Laura's surprise, she burst into tears.

  "Mom," Justin said, awkwardly patting her arm, "we're okay. Have a cookie."

  "I know." She snuffled and patted her pockets, then took the tissue Laura offered with a grateful, watery look. "It's just-I'm feeling a little overwhelmed."

  Laura shot a glance at Cass, who seemed surprised at Helen's display of emotion.

  "Honest, suh-wee-tee, I wouldn't let anything happen to the kids. You're way too lucrative."

  "I know." Helen dabbed at her nose. "I'm blowing things out of proportion. Give me a cookie and let's go get my suitcase."

  Justin happily threw himself into the backseat of the van with the remaining cookies and Helen immediately turned almost completely around in the passenger seat to talk to Cass.

  "I want to know every detail."

  Laura kept her attention on the road. It was drizzling, though hard to tell if it was very low fog or light rain. When Cass told her that Laura had called on Monday with great concern about how much damage Grace could do, Helen reached over to touch Laura's thigh.

  "Thank you."

  "I wish I hadn't had to, but I'm glad it's worked out. That she didn't steal your mother-in-law's heirlooms, especially."

  Cass resumed her story and Laura wished she didn't still feel the exact spot where Helen had touched her. She couldn't clear her head of the image of Helen glowing with happiness as she had walked toward them.

  She was over that crush. Wasn't she?

  For a moment, Helen felt like a stranger in her own home. She would have liked to think the feeling was about Grace and knowing that she'd hired a thief to work in their midst. She had hoped that the disastrous Mary as a chef was the worst mistake she'd make, but Grace had easily eclipsed that.

  She suspected, though, that the feeling of being a visitor had to do with what was going on inside her. She didn't regret sleeping with Karolina, but she was suddenly confronted with the reality of trying to make a relationship work when she'd spent the last decade and more knowing it was impossible. She couldn't fly to Chicago to see Karolina on a whim. If Karolina had the time to travel to California-which was doubtful-she would have to tell the kids. Not that she wasn't going to tell them, but she wasn't ready. Not by a long shot. So that meant seeing Karolina when she could come to New York. Which meant leading a...secret life. Not acting parts in different places, but maintaining separate but real lives as if she lived in two universes without anything but her own wits to aid the transition between the two.

  She had no practice at this kind of thing and she couldn't believe that some people lived every day never mentioning half of their life to the other half, like a gay man in the military or a teacher living in an area that would fire her if she spoke of a girlfriend. She didn't like the feeling of disconnection at all-how could anyone endure it for a lifetime?

  "What is that absolutely divine smell?" The kitchen was thick with layers of fruity and salty and pungent aromas.

  The kids chorused, "Coq au vin!"

  She spun around to face Laura. For someone she'd known such a short time, the woman had become a rock in her life. "You remembered?"

  "I practiced on the kids. They liked it so I thought you would too. It smells like it's close to done-the oven has already shut off."

  "That's great, because I am starving. I ate so much on the trip I thought I should try to avoid airport or airplane food. I seriously need to go on a diet."

  There was a small silence, then Justin, who had carried in her suitcase, said, "Bad weekend for a diet, Mom. Seriously bad."

  "Why?"

  Cass tossed her purse onto the kitchen island. "Birth. Day. It's someone's birthday."

  Helen let out a chagrined laugh. "I forgot."

  Laura had removed a heavy-looking casserole from the oven and now lifted the lid. The delicious aroma intensified. "Everybody wash up."

  Her feeling of foreignness faded to a low jangle, way down deep in the pit of her stomach. As she inhaled the comforting blend of herbs and wine she might have almost believed that nothing had changed.

  To her embarrassment, tears threatened again once they were all seated and passing around the gently warmed French bread.

  "Mom, what is with you?" Julie used her bread to mop up sauce with an alacrity and appetite that made Helen want to cry all the more.

  "I'm just...happy. Relieved. Glad that in the larger scheme of things all we had was a thief to deal with. I had a wonderful trip. The peopl
e who run cruises and excursions are very careful to separate their passengers from living conditions in the countries they visit, but anyone with two eyes can see outside a shuttle bus. So I'm looking around our home and even as weird as the whole thing with Grace is, she only threatened our stuff. Our things. And we have a lot to be grateful for and very little to complain about." She picked up her fork, trying to lighten the mood, or at least get a grip on her own. "I'd have hated to lose your grandmother's gold tableware, but I'm sure I saw families that didn't have a fork between them. We have not one but several complete sets. We even have special forks for cake."

  She patted Julie's arm because she was closest and gave Cass a fond look. "We're all healthy. I'm really proud of you and glad to be home. We have this bounty of wonderful food, and thank you, Laura."

  She caught Cass giving her the strangest look. "What?"

  "You had a very interesting trip."

  "I did." She fought down a blush. "It was luxurious. I went snorkeling and I have tons of underwater pictures."

  The chatter turned more general, but she was aware of Cass's scrutiny. Did lesbians have the ability to see the "slept with a woman" tattoo she was certain was on her forehead now? That meant Laura could see it too. Paranoia-she was just tired. The last twenty-four hours had been draining and stressful.

  The coq au vin was divine. The chicken fell into mouthwatering chunks and the deep succulent red wine sauce had turned the vegetables into savory candy. Her stomach was beyond happy. Half-sleepy, Helen said to Laura, "You should go on one of those cooking competition shows. You'd paste them."

  "The kind of show where they give you anchovies, canned haggis, beets and carrot pulp and you're supposed to make a dessert? Not really my style."

  "I think those are so cool."

  Julie gave her brother a scathing look. "You watch cooking shows?"

  "Sometimes. Men. Knives. Fire. Boo-yah!"

  Helen laughed and something inside her relaxed. This was home. The kids were great. Cass looked tired, and no doubt would have more to say in private, but perhaps the several days of Laura's cooking was why the haunted postchemo look had seriously faded. And Laura was a blessing-she hoped the blonde she'd seen Laura kissing knew that.