Roller Coaster

by Karin Kallmaker

  Justin asked, "Is there food?"

  "I can take the kids home while you go," Laura said.

  "Don't you dare. We all go or no one goes. Who's in? Yes, there will be food and no we won't stay for more than an hour."

  "Then I think it's a social imperative," Justin said.

  The vote ended up unanimous. She texted Cass the happy news, then tucked her phone away.

  "Cass will be there," she said to Laura. Though she watched for a reaction, Laura merely nodded.

  The lights went down and she breathed in the welcome dark. Laura was wearing a new cologne, she thought. If gold had a smell, that was it. She tipped her head slightly and the scent came to her again. She felt dizzy, but then the curtain went up and she lost herself once again in the play.

  The Tom Kat turned out to be an exclusive bar just off Broadway at Forty-Second Street, complete with an A-list and a bouncer enforcing entry. Helen said her name and in they went, leaving Laura deeply glad she'd invested in some new clothes. Her outfit was still off the rack, but the pieces were Michael Kors and Vera Wang and had come from the hushed private shopping designer boutique in the recesses of the fourth floor. At least she wouldn't embarrass Helen.

  To her relief they bypassed the main bar and went as directed up the stairs, where they were greeted by a hostess whom Helen apparently knew. She introduced Justin and Julie, then drew Laura forward to say, "And my friend, Laura Izmani, the chef."

  She only realized then that she was glad not to be introduced as the Baynor Household Manager. She didn't want it to define her life. So, her inner skeptic asked, what exactly are you going to do about it, then? Every month you go on doing the job, the more that's what you'll become.

  She ignored the little voice and was glad to escape some of the press by moving deeper into the room with Helen. Happily for Justin, it was closer to the catered food. She caught Julie's worried sigh and so joined her at the table.

  "I feel like some fresh fruit-pineapple and mango, yum." She quickly tasted a couple of the cheese offerings and pointed out the Parmigiano-Reggiano and wheel of Camembert. Both were never made with any kind of dye. The bread looked like it was real French but the server didn't know the source and the caterer wasn't there to ask. Julie made do with her limited choices, and was really pleased when Laura returned from the bar with an icy tall glass of 7-Up, the only kind of soft drink that had never bothered her. Justin meanwhile loaded up with canapés, stuffed jalapenos and several items he confessed he hadn't a clue about.

  He eyed Julie's plate and said, "I think it would be so easy to make food you could eat and that everyone would still like. I'm sorry there's not much for you to choose from. It'll be a real drag if we go to more parties."

  "Well, this is better for me, I guess. Sometimes all I can think about is frosted doughnuts. At least Laura is making the food for mom's party."

  "And I promise you'll eat, girl. Oh, there's Cass at that table-the one in the middle."

  With the kids being at a loose end because they knew almost no one and were so young, and Helen working the room like the pro she was, Laura shepherded them over to Cass and the tall, pale man she was talking to.

  Introductions and air kisses were made. Georg turned out to be a costume designer who was chatting Cass up fast and furious about showing his portfolio to Helen. Upon hearing that Helen was in the building, he made an abrupt departure.

  "I suppose I should have saved her," Cass said. "But she's a big-time producer now. She can have the fun of dealing with the Georgs."

  "He'll have to move fast. Helen wants to get out of here in another forty-five minutes, max."

  "I want to get something from the bar, but it's been a really long day and I didn't want to give up this cozy seat. Will you linger here until I get back? Can I get you anything?"

  "No, I'm good."

  Cass nodded, then froze as she rose from her chair. "Oh hell, I had no idea he would be here."

  Laura followed Cass's gaze.

  "Who's that?" Julie asked.

  "Mr. Big Banker who was being a little too persistent in wanting to date your mother."

  Helen looked a little bit like a deer in the headlights. Laura's hackles rose. The guy was standing about six inches too close.

  "I could pretend I'm eight and tell my mommy I need to talk to her." Julie lifted one eyebrow and, for just a moment, was the spitting image of her mother.

  "Your mother has been handling his type for years. Give her a chance to work it out. I'll be right back."

  Cass crossed the room, pausing briefly to touch Helen's arm, then pushed her way between Helen and the guy to continue to the small bar. Helen didn't look desperate to be rescued, but Laura wasn't about to stop watching.

  "Who knew that Manhattan was such a small place? We seem to run into each other constantly, in New York terms." Helen hoped her smile looked remotely pleased. No more, no less.

  "I really had no idea you'd be here, Helen, but what a pleasant surprise." Eugene smiled benevolently at her, but was really crowding her space with the intimidating body language that set her teeth on edge. She doubted he crowded men of his acquaintance. "After the recent news about your new production and partnership with Trevor Huntley I realized that of course you needed to spend more time with him on the cruise. What a good business decision on your part."

  So, he'd decided she'd not given him the time of day in favor of Trevor? Whatever, Helen thought. "We did get acquainted on the cruise, and then when this opportunity came along it was good to already have some sense of each other's production capabilities."

  "Time well spent." His tone was oily and she realized he'd had at least one drink too many. About that time a cute redhead, not more than twenty-five, twined her hands around his arm. He gave her a glance and said in a grown-ups-are-talking voice, "Go play for a few more minutes."

  She pouted and left.

  Helen cleared her throat and prepared to do the same, especially when Cass paused, then pushed her way between them, ostensibly going to the bar.

  "I'm so glad that I was truly mistaken-it was laughable, thinking you and that woman were perhaps an item. A very attractive item, but you're a real woman, all the way through."

  She didn't like the way the conversation was going. "Exactly what is a real woman?"

  He laughed. "Maybe it's like art-I know one when I see one."

  She was pretty sure he meant that his penis knew one when it saw one. She told herself to walk away, but part of her just couldn't. "So essentially you're saying I must not be a lesbian because you're attracted to me?"

  All those HRC galas and GLAAD events she'd attended as a straight ally had taught her all the signs, but she heard the words with different ears now and they made her a very different kind of angry. With the anger came fear, irrational, but still real. He could not destroy her world or take her children away. She had nothing to be afraid of, but thinking so and knowing so were two different things.

  He gave her a maddening and indulgent smile. "Besides. You're not part of a freak show." His gaze flicked to Helen's right.

  She glanced and only saw Cass chatting with the bartender. "I don't know what you mean."

  "The man trying to be a woman-trying so hard to look normal it's freakish. The super high heels, the overdone nails, the ridiculous eyelashes. That's not what's attractive about a woman."

  That he was trying to compliment her for her womanly attributes was completely lost in a haze of anger because he was talking about Cass. Her voice rose as she asked, "Are you assuming she isn't a woman because you don't want to do her? And that makes her the freak show?"

  He raised his voice as if Helen couldn't possibly have understood him because she still disagreed with him. "I'm saying that's not a real woman."

  She intensified her volume without raising her pitch and could hear the room slowly quieting as people eavesdropped. "Not only is what you just said distastefully homophobic and transphobic, it's very clear that you don't like women."


  "Is that why you've been so standoffish? You think I'm gay and I want you for cover?"

  "Oh my lord-is there no end to it?" Helen no longer cared if he saw her naked contempt. Maybe the alcohol had stripped away his civilized veneer, but whatever the reason, she fully saw the ugly, grasping truth of him. "Men are not gay because they don't like women. Women aren't lesbians because they don't like men. You, on the other hand, don't like women except to bed them, which means they're toys you use until you're tired of them."

  His eyes narrowed and he raised his voice. "You're saying I don't like women because I'm not attracted to that emaciated drag queen with fake equipment?"

  She glanced at Cass, who was white as a sheet with anger. The room was silent though the floor below her feet was pounding with the music from downstairs. She knew her kids had only ever seen her this upset on stage, acting, but the rage she felt had to escape.

  She drew herself up and stepped back slightly as if he smelled. "For your information, that woman is a cancer survivor. When her surgeons removed her uterus they were certain she was a woman, and she's still more woman than you will ever enjoy. If you're the alternative, all women would be lesbians."

  She shifted her weight and lowered her pitch so the words would carry. "And I know a number of gay men who are better men than you will ever be because they like women. They like people. They know how to love. The only love you'll ever have is what your money can buy."

  She took a breath, not sure what to say next, but Cass stalked over to them, her glass of wine trembling in one hand. With her other hand she yanked down the wide collar of her cocktail dress. "These are my one hundred percent original equipment breasts. And this is my drink in your face."

  Cass's aim was good and Eugene spluttered and swore into his face full of wine. There was a horrified silence but then several men began laughing and yelling, "Brava!"

  Cass covered herself up and took a bow. The poor representative for the charity was frozen in shock, but the young woman who'd been clinging to Eugene earlier rushed up, horrified.

  "I'm so sorry about the mess." Helen felt as if she were channeling a combination of Moxie and Mame. "But how fortunate your daughter is here to help clean up."

  To Cass she said, "I think we should be going."

  "Indeed, our work here is done."

  Helen paused only long enough to tell the speechless charity representative that a big check would be on the way before she swept down the stairs and out of the club.

  Once on the street, Justin said, "I thought these parties were really dull. I didn't know there were naked boobies."

  "There usually aren't naked boobies, though I'm usually hoping for it," Cass said. She didn't seem the least embarrassed. "Tonight was the right time for naked boobies."

  Laura slung her arm around Cass's shoulder. "That was magnificent. You too Helen," she said with a backward glance. "What an ass. You were like a one-two punch."

  "Would you believe that man is the CEO of First Union?"

  "You're kidding! That's awful-bad enough that he'd think such stupid and hateful things, but how bright can he be if he actually says them out loud?" Laura let go of Cass but not before Cass gave her a one-armed squeeze.

  "Alcohol was involved," Helen said. "Let that be a lesson to you, my young ones. Mood-altering substances often lead to stupidity."

  "And naked boobies."

  Cass swatted Justin.

  "I thought it was cool," Julie said. "Are you okay Mom?"

  "Yes," Helen muttered. "I'm having a hot flash. Maybe because I got so hot under the collar." She shucked her jacket and fanned the cold night air down her blouse.

  Laura stopped walking. "Hey, I know this place. They do desserts including vegan options which are almost always dye-free. They have a tofu silk brûlée I thought was scrumptious."

  "Does that mean Julie can eat?" Justin immediately turned to the door. "Anything to support my sister."

  "You mean support your stomach." Julie looked pleased, though.

  Helen mopped her forehead with napkins while they placed their orders at the counter. Justin proved resourceful at scrounging chairs to make up a table for five in the crowded café. Helen was aware that people were whispering her name, but so far everyone kept their distance, perhaps because she was clearly with her family. Laura had found a gem of an eatery. Most of the desserts were as expected, but they did indeed have several choices that were dye and preservative free, including a lush chocolate mousse that put a twinkle in Julie's eyes.

  She was glad that her outburst didn't seem to have scarred the children, but she was still feeling the adrenaline surge and that disconcerting twist of fear. After Cass's wine had splattered Eugene's suit, she had been momentarily afraid he would accuse them both of being lesbians.

  It would have been true and she wasn't going to lie about it. Ever. But it wasn't how she wanted the kids or Laura to find out. For anyone to find out.

  They shared yummy noises when their desserts were delivered.

  "Guys," she said, after a bite of sumptuous red velvet cake, "I have to tell you something about what just happened. That all started because he was interested in dating me. He turned up on the cruise and I kind of let him get the impression I was interested in someone else-the woman who organized the trip. It did get him to leave me alone. Mostly."

  Julie glanced at Cass, and Helen hadn't a clue what she was thinking. "Did she mind? The other woman? Being used as asshole repellent?"

  Cass snickered and Justin laughed outright.

  "No, not at all. The funny thing is that I discovered I wasn't lying. It wasn't a cover. The more time I spent with her the more right it seemed. You know I haven't dated in a long, long time, and mostly that was because I just didn't have time." She couldn't bring herself to look at Laura.

  Justin put his fork down. "What are you trying to say, Mom?"

  "I think I partly didn't date because I wasn't looking at the right kind of person."

  Laura spilled her water. "Oh, heck." She hurried to the counter for more napkins.

  Julie looked at Justin with one of those twin glances that had always disconcerted Helen. Then Julie said, "You get to be happy, Mom. It's only a little bit weird because, I mean… What about our father?"

  Laura returned to mop madly at the table. Cass helped her push sopping napkins into a pile.

  "I want to be really clear about it-I loved your father. I know that I did. I was very happy with him, and if he'd lived who knows, I might have never realized I was interested in women. He was a special man, maybe one of a kind, even. I've never been attracted to another man in my entire life."

  "So, Mom, without further damaging my youthful sensibilities with revelations about your sex life-"

  Helen stuck her tongue out at Justin.

  "Is this woman you met going to be coming to dinner or something?"

  "No, it didn't work out. It wasn't long-term."

  Julie snorted into her dessert and nudged her brother with her shoulder. "Our mom had a one-nighter."

  "I know. Gross."

  Helen looked at Cass. "I have been dreading this conversation for weeks and instead of trauma over their mother being a homo-sex-u-al, they're giving me a bad time about having a brief affair?"

  Her comment sent the twins into a fit of the giggles.

  "It's official," Laura said. "You've had too much sugar." She glanced at Helen, her eyes gleaming.

  Cass muttered under her breath, "And some woman on a cruise ship got a toaster oven."

  Laura choked and spluttered into her napkin.

  Julie recovered enough to ask, "What was she like, this woman?"

  "She was very smart and quite attractive. Cass met her."

  Cass nodded. "I'm glad you told them, Helen. I nearly said it tonight to that jerk-that his pestering you had made you gay. He'd have believed it because there's no way he could possibly be irrelevant to you."

  "So how attractive was she?" Julie persisted. "T
here's a lesbian teacher at my school and she's very pretty, but I don't know if she's mom's type."

  "Oh for crying out loud." Helen focused on her red velvet cake, which was delicious and satisfying and a real treat. Deep down there was a steady thrum of joy building, though, and she found herself smiling at her fork.

  "A very attractive woman," Cass said. "She was the kind of woman who could wear white, use chopsticks to eat sushi dipped in soy sauce and not get a drop on her."

  "She sounds elegant and poised." Laura's expression was uncharacteristically bland.

  "She was," Helen said. "And a very busy, successful woman. It was a mutual decision to stop seeing each other."

  "So I don't get a new mommy?"

  "Finish your dessert, young man. Who raises these kids to be so smart-mouthed?" Helen gave Laura a mock accusatory look.

  "Hey, don't look at me. They were that way when I got here."

  Cass said something that Helen missed, but it made Laura chortle again. Inside she felt ridiculously as if bluebirds were singing or magic sprites were dancing, and whatever it was it felt terrific. Maybe she was just a big chicken, and hadn't let herself feel anything for women until she knew it was safe. Heck, she could marry a woman in New York now, if she wanted. If she fell for the right woman.

  She glanced at Laura. She couldn't help it. Her stomach tightened and abruptly she had answers to questions she didn't think she'd asked. She was such a chump.

  Cass nudged her. "That's a funny look."

  "What?"

  "I don't know. Kind of a 'I could have had a V-8' look."

  "Just thinking about costumes," she lied.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  With Helen's party on the schedule for Sunday evening, which wasn't a "school night" for most of the guests since Broadway theaters were dark on Mondays, Laura geared up in her prep work by renting commercial kitchen space starting the Friday before and over the weekend. There was no way the condo's refrigerator would hold it all. She'd arranged for a server to work with her starting Sunday at two, and Justin and Julie had also said they'd help with transporting the food and the set-up. Helen and Cass were on point for flowers, service rentals and working with the string quartet when they arrived. The guest list held only thirty people, but they were a Who's Who of Broadway opinion makers and Helen was sparing no expense and not missing any details.