Always Something There to Remind Me

by Beth Harbison

  She wanted Nate.

  This felt too strange.

  Nate was quiet, dependable, the steady tortoise, while Todd was a good example of the flashy hare, and it was growing more painfully obvious by the second that this was getting old quickly. It was a lot more boring than what she was realizing was a pretty appealing predictability.

  “You should go,” she said, and as she said it she realized she really, really wanted him gone. Like, now. Like, an hour ago. In fact, she fervently wished he’d never come. It had been a long night.

  It should have been Nate with her.

  He looked at her, surprised, but didn’t argue. “You’re right.”

  “Are you okay to drive?”

  He nodded. “Fine. It’s been hours since I had anything.”

  “Okay.” She stood up and he followed. Together they crept down the stairs, where she opened the front door with extreme care. She turned to him. “So … ’bye. Good luck with the whole internship thing.”

  “Thanks.” He leaned in to kiss her, and she turned her face so his lips brushed her cheek.

  She met his eyes. “You’re a jerk.”

  “I know. What can I say?” He smiled and stepped out the door. She watched him walk toward his car for a moment, then, satisfied that he was completely steady on his feet, closed the door.

  * * *

  The next morning she woke with a guilt hangover. She had been so so stupid to let Todd come over. Especially after she’d flirted with him all night when they were all out together. She’d led him on, probably; she’d certainly been disrespectful to Nate … the whole thing was a mess, one selfish mistake on top of another. It was all she could think about.

  So when Theresa called and asked if she wanted to go to Rockville with her to run some errands, she was glad for the distraction.

  Theresa picked her up and they sang along to her new Rick Springfield tape in the car. Erin wanted to tell her what had happened the night before, but her allowing Todd to come over had been so patently stupid that she just couldn’t bear to admit it to another human being.

  Better to just let time pass so that she and Todd would forget it ever happened and Todd would move on to some other way to try and one-up Nate, just like he always did. Last night she’d just been a pawn in that endless game of theirs and she’d be glad when he moved on to something else.

  “Hello?” Theresa was saying.

  “Sorry.” Erin returned her attention to Theresa. “What did you say?”

  “I said isn’t that Todd?”

  “What about Todd?” Erin asked sharply.

  Theresa gave her a funny look and pulled the car over to the side of the road. “Isn’t that Todd?” She pointed, then waved and put Erin’s window down, letting a gust of freezing-cold air in.

  Erin turned to see Todd Griffith walking over to them on the sidewalk. “Hey, ladies,” he said with a devilish grin. The very one he’d probably hoped would have charmed her last night.

  “Hey, Todd!” Theresa sounded delighted to see him, and all at once Erin realized Theresa was in flirting mode.

  Erin’s reflexive irritation with that turned quickly. This might be a good thing!

  If she could hook Todd and Theresa up, maybe that would kind of erase what had happened last night!

  “How are you, Erin?” he asked pointedly.

  “Fine,” she said, not quite meeting his eyes.

  “What are you doing out here in the freezing cold?” Theresa asked.

  “Walking home. Car died.”

  Theresa gave a snort. “Well, you’re not walking home now, for God’s sake. Get in!”

  A tremor of apprehension ran through Erin, though she would have been hard-pressed to explain it.

  “You sure?” Todd asked.

  Theresa waved an airy hand. “Of course I’m sure. Get in!”

  Aware that if she continued to be mute it would raise suspicions she didn’t want to answer, Erin said, “Just get in, Todd, it’s cold out there.”

  He shrugged and opened the door. Erin pushed her seat forward so he could get in the backseat behind her.

  It was only a few minutes’ drive to Todd’s house, but Theresa managed to fill the time with plenty of innuendo. Erin had to give her a nod, she was masterful at luring guys in. Even Todd, who’d known her sort of tangentially for two years, seemed to be drawn into her charm.

  “So you’re leaving town soon, right?” Theresa asked him.

  “Tomorrow.”

  “Oh.” Her expression dropped.

  Erin’s too—that did put a crimp in the fixing-them-up plan. “But you’ll be back in the summer, right?” she asked, turning to look at him.

  He nodded. “Mid-June.”

  His eyes met hers and she felt a clamminess creep over her. She turned back around and looked out the windshield.

  Theresa turned onto his street and said, “Which house is it? I think I’ve been there once, but I can’t remember.”

  “Second on the left, here.”

  She turned into the driveway.

  Erin opened the door and released the seat to let him out.

  “Do you guys want to come in for a drink or something?” he asked.

  “No, I’ve got to get back and—” Erin began.

  But she was interrupted by Theresa’s chipper, “Sure!” She flipped the ignition off and opened her door before Erin could object.

  And, really, why should Erin object? Nothing had really happened last night, what she’d done wasn’t that big a sin, and Todd was just being Todd. He was kind of a jerk and everyone knew it. If Theresa decided to take a chance on him, even knowing that, then fine. Erin’s guilt was getting the better of her and she was making way too big a deal out of this.

  She got out of the car and the three of them hurried to the front door. As soon as he opened it, a blast of warm air rushed out to usher them in.

  “What do you want to drink?” Todd asked.

  “We’re not going to be that long,” Erin began, but once again Theresa’s hormones got the jump on her.

  “Coke.” Theresa smiled and gave a small shrug toward Erin.

  The ideal situation would have been for Erin to clear out and come pick Theresa up later, but Erin didn’t have her car. So she was stuck in the middle of this flirt fest and there was no telling how long it would last, given the fact that both Theresa and Todd seemed like they were in high gear.

  “You sure you don’t want anything?” Todd asked Erin.

  “No, thanks.” She knew she sounded cold, but apparently he didn’t notice it.

  He went to the kitchen and she hissed at Theresa, “I don’t want to be here!”

  “Why not? This is fun!”

  “It’s wrong without Nate here. It just feels … I don’t know. I don’t feel right.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You’re crazy.”

  “Maybe so, but can you run me home and come back?”

  Theresa pulled a face. “How would I manage that? I’d sound obsessive. Erin wants to go, but can I come back please please please?” She shook her head. “Please.”

  Erin shrugged, and Todd came back with a Coke for Theresa and led them down to his bedroom in the basement.

  “Very Greg Brady,” Theresa commented, looking around approvingly at the paneled wall and posters of Aerosmith and the Rolling Stones.

  “He had the attic,” Erin pointed out.

  “What?”

  “Greg Brady. He had the attic.”

  “Oh.”

  This was exactly the kind of thing Erin could talk on and on about, especially right now. “Remember? He had the beads and stuff and there was that one time they all pretended it was haunted. That was the creepiest— What?”

  Theresa was looking behind her with an odd expression on her face.

  Erin turned to see what she was looking at and it was clear immediately.

  Nate was standing there, looking at her in a way she’d never seen before. His face was steely, his eyes looked
black.

  “Nate—” She moved toward him, but he shook his head.

  “Fuck you!” It was like his soul had dropped out; his face was a mask of him, but his eyes had gone dark and dead. He wasn’t in there. She knew what he thought he was seeing, even though there was no reason for him to think it, and she knew that this combined with last night made her less than innocent.

  He was already up the stairs.

  She followed him through the foyer and out the front door. “Nate, wait!” She caught up to him, grabbed his shirt, but he whirled around and knocked her hand away.

  “Stay the fuck away from me! Last night, and now this…” He didn’t finish. He didn’t need to. He must have driven by last night and seen Todd’s car out front.

  It looked bad. It didn’t even matter what had really happened, or not happened, he would never believe it. This was a betrayal to him. Just flirting with Todd had been a betrayal, but following it up by going to his house … that sealed it.

  “Please, Nate.” Her pleading rattled through her. She’d never felt anything so sincerely in her life. “Just listen to me a minute—”

  The one word he said was both quiet and definitive and left no room for response. “No.”

  She’d never seen him like this. Never.

  “But this isn’t what you think!” It wasn’t! It wasn’t! If he could get in her head, or in her heart, and see what she had really been thinking and feeling, he wouldn’t be so mad!

  Damn it, she was only there because Todd and Theresa were trying to hook up. Not her!

  Nate didn’t even look back at her. He got in his car and gunned it out of there so recklessly she completely expected to hear the impact with another car as soon as he was out of sight.

  For a long time, Erin stood there, numb.

  They’d fought before. Argued. Broken up and gotten back together. She’d never taken it seriously before, because she knew they were going to get married and whatever happened now was just them growing up.

  But this? This was different.

  The wind had shifted.

  If only she and Theresa had taken a little longer at any of their stops today, they wouldn’t have run into Todd at all and none of this would be happening.

  If only she had ignored the phone when it rang last night.

  A million things rushed through her mind, things that she should have done instead of what she did: No, Todd, DO NOT COME OVER, or maybe, Todd, I love Nate and I’m not going to betray him. Of course, no one really talked that way, the need for it was only apparent in hindsight.

  What about just ignoring his flirtations at the movie entirely so he didn’t even get so far as to ask for her number and have her—ugh—write it down there where anyone could have observed what was going on? Why didn’t that possibility occur to her before it was too late?

  She was a jerk, that’s why. She’d traded a few minutes of flattery for Nate’s heart. She’d flirted with his friend in front of everyone, tried to make him jealous so he’d pay more attention to her because … what? Why did she need more from him? He’d given her his heart. It was unbelievably selfish, she knew that already, but now it looked so much worse. She’d heaped on the disrespect over and over. On some level she must have known she was taking that chance, so on some level she must have decided that chance was worth it.

  That was the thought that shamed her more than any other.

  Why wouldn’t he be pissed? She’d gambled his heart, his pride, everything, on a little ego from a pretty-eyed drunk.

  She slowly turned back toward the house and saw Theresa and Todd had come out and were looking at her.

  “Wow, I guess he’s really upset about the divorce,” Todd commented.

  Erin looked at him like he was nuts. “What?”

  “You know, his parents getting divorced. They told him yesterday.” He let out a breath and shook his head. “I didn’t know he was so bummed.”

  Erin felt like she’d been punched in the stomach.

  Nate’s parents were getting divorced? On top of all of this, he’d just found out his parents were getting a divorce? No wonder he’d been so quiet last night! He’d just found out!

  And instead of being there for him, Erin had, as usual, been there for herself, worried about him catering to her, trying to make him think he might lose her.… Her timing on that couldn’t have been worse.

  Now he thought … Oh, God.

  She felt like she was going to throw up.

  “He needs to know I didn’t cheat on him,” she said, half to herself. But he did need to know that nothing had really happened physically between her and Todd. He needed to know she hadn’t slept with his best friend.

  “Why would he think that?” Theresa asked, looking completely confused.

  “Because … Todd…”

  “But I’m here. Why would he think you’re cheating on him with someone else here watching? That makes no sense!”

  “It’s not this, it was last night. I…” Erin sighed. She just couldn’t explain right now. “Nothing happened.”

  “Do you want me to talk to him?” Todd asked her. He didn’t look nearly concerned enough.

  “Of course!” she snapped. “You need to tell him the truth.”

  “I will.” He nodded and glanced down the street where Nate had driven and she wondered what he’d really say.

  That couldn’t be a conversation that would go comfortably.

  “Take me home, Theresa,” she said, suddenly nauseous. What was she going to do? She had to call him. She had to get through to him. She could do that. He’d understand. “Please.”

  Theresa didn’t argue. They got in the car and drove the longest ten-minute drive of Erin’s life. She gave Theresa the overview, and Theresa almost had her convinced that Nate would see how small and silly this was by tonight and everything would be back to normal. Todd was drunk and stupid, he’d put Erin on the spot, she didn’t want to send him out on the road drunk, she’d let him sober up and had kicked him right out of there. It wasn’t a great situation, but it was no great sin either.

  But something about that wasn’t ringing true to Erin. When Theresa dropped her off at her house, it was beginning to snow, fat icy flakes slamming against the windshield and sliding down in wet rivulets. The cold outside now felt like it went straight to her bones, and she went inside to what she didn’t fully realize at the time was a whole new life.

  Chapter 14

  Present

  “You’re m—?” I couldn’t finish the word. I was still looking at his reflection in the mirror, my eyes fixed on the belt loops of the jeans he’d put back on. He looked ridiculously hot, but I couldn’t turn and face him.

  He kept his eyes on me. “Yes.”

  I guess I’d hoped there was some other explanation. When he confirmed there wasn’t, the vulnerable heartache that had started in me froze into anger immediately. I slammed the ring down on the counter and turned to him, no longer conscious of my nakedness. “Fuck you,” I said, well aware that I had done just that only fifteen minutes earlier. I shoulder-bumped him as I passed, glad for the dull pain in my body instead of just in my stomach.

  The rest was a blur. I went to his room and shoved my clothes on.

  He was married.

  Nate was married.

  He was someone’s husband. Someone was his wife. They’d met, flirted, gotten to know each other, had first I love you’s, and had progressed through a relationship far enough to promise each other they’d be together forever.

  So presumably he’d fallen in love with someone much, much more than he’d loved me.

  It’s not like the idea had never occurred to me, and I was certainly aware that he must have dated after we’d broken up—it had been a long time; it’s just that I’d scarcely allowed myself to think about it. It had been bad enough to torture myself with thoughts of him making love to another girl back when I was still crying over him every night; and I’d imagined it all, his tongue in her mouth (or
worse), his hands on her body, his thoughts on her instead of on me.

  But he’d actually fallen in love with someone else and married her. Made vows. Wore her ring … at least sometimes.

  Good God, did he have kids too?

  “Erin—” he began.

  I turned to him, ready to kill. “You have a wife.”

  And he had every right to have a wife. Despite whatever feelings of propriety I had about having been there first, despite all the childish feelings that he should always have wanted me first, no matter what time or distance separated us.

  That part broke my heart.

  But he should have told me he had a wife before he had sex with me.

  That part made me angry.

  He met my gaze. “Yes, but—”

  “But what?” I challenged, perhaps hoping on some level that he’d … what? Tell me he was a widower? Divorced, even separated, but using the ring as a sink decoration? What could he possibly say that could make this better?

  “It’s complicated because—”

  “Oh, fuck that,” I snapped, well aware that I was careening toward shrill. “I realize this … what happened between us today … wasn’t planned, but you certainly could have mentioned a wife before things went too far.”

  One side of his mouth cocked into an ironic smile. “If I had, you would have left.”

  Would I have? I’d like to think so, but I wasn’t sure. But it didn’t matter because he never even gave me a chance to make that choice. He’d lied by omission—to me, of all people!—and that hurt.

  “I’m leaving now.” I turned on my heel and hurried down the stairs. “Have a good life.” This was humiliating. I was so stupid. Why did I just assume everything was just like we’d left it? There was no such thing as time travel, yet here I’d been, making out with my old boyfriend as if the passing years hadn’t meant a thing.

  Now, like a fool, I felt like I’d lost him again. How much could one person take?

  I was a living, breathing cautionary tale.

  He came down behind me, seeming to be right on my back even though he seemed to move with the ease of a lazy cat.

  I threw the door open, my mind still racing with questions I’d never get the answers to now.